new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey DNG!

YOU are MOST WELCOME to join in the discussion here! Anybody brave enough to join in can lol!

I think the "climate" of this thread is robust sharing, more or less.....
a beautiful, respectful level of disagreement that seems to end in a synergy of kinds, we all seem to learn something from.
We can disagree without offense bec no offense was intended.

On rereading my words you quoted I must apologise to anyone reading for my use of technical language eeek!
I'm so sorry to anyone who feels excluded from this conversation because of the terms I use at times 😞

By "trajectories" I meant a specific set of outcomes that professionals USE to predict HOW an adult will most likely be if say A, B, C and F happened in their childhood.

I had alphabet spaghetti in my childhood / youth lol... therefore MY specific "trajectories" ARE that I have no Tertiary Education (I think it said would not graduate High School), unstable employment, varied substance abuse issues, be homeless, have a Police record, abuse my children, the list goes on.
ZERO of those are the cases for me.

Exactly & precisely the OPPOSITE.
3 degrees.
Worked for same Employer for near 40y.
Own most of my own home.
Great r.ships with my kids. Etc.
Oh yeah no trouble with the Police lol... thought I'd better say that too.

I'd probably be considered in the high wage earning bracket now.
Because of how I've used the money I've earnt (and ex Husbands cost me a LOT of money, I made minus from having married them!)... I would probably be considered "wealthy".

So, it's with great respect that I disagree with the article you read about why some ppl are rich & others aren't.

If the article WAS correct then why do some ppl who have the "luck" to win Lotto, with millions as the prize, oftentimes have ZERO $$ left to show for it shortly afterwards? ... I think within 2 years was one article I read.

It's because they don't know how to manage money.

Nothing of what I have was come by with "luck". I literally had to fight to stay in school, my mother kept signing me out! And the fight continued right up till recently.

When ppl have said how "lucky" I am... I'm alot more polite now than before when I'd reply "the harder I worked, the luckier I got" and that's the truth.

Even after 5y of very expensive legal battles, I STILL paid 11 cents MORE off my mortgage per fortnight, just to feel like I could still make a difference to my financial sitch afterwards.

"Barefoot" has great info.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy!

P.son is doing GREAT! He's putting on weight, realising his difficulties with eating food with texture / eating meals the size he USED to eat. I can hear the kids inside laughing with delight at playing games together - again. It's absolutely perfect having him home.

One thing I can thank lock down for!

Plus Yvette being SO content too. Her marks have improved outta sight at "school" ie online learning. She came 2nd in her year for an English task! She's even singing & playing her guitar more which I love to hear.

What's NOT fun is my insane work load.
I'll have to SPEAK OUT about it next week, if it keeps increasing at this alarming rate.

Some staff are "bored" & NOT being called in onsite.
I know why too omg... it's because my bosses say I calm ppl when they're upset whilst some others ummm don't.

Sleepy, we MUST do all we can to stay sane throughout this LD. Yours too for another intense round. Altho I Pray really hard that Victoria is released asap when safe.

DO whatever it takes to BE in an okay space.
It's OKAY to be okay too, even when others around us aren't.

It's mentally healthy to watch comedies & whatever else it takes. Reach out whenever you need to.

My kids have been really good, law abiding kids throughout this LD & I'm SO PROUD they are.
Tonight one son said he said No to a gathering and would you guess.... yep EVERY one of the kids was fined $1000 when Police turned up.

P.son described his (new) bedroom as "lonely" the other night 😞
My sweet boy has so much to work through esp during his Gap Year which I have not agreed with for any of my other children lol, up to them ofcourse.
But with p.son YES HE NEEDS IT.

He's so thin.
He was 15 grams difference at birth and the same weight as all of them right through until when he left!

Now they look robust and healthy and he doesn't quite yet.
Happier & getting there but a real worry for me.

He has a beautiful outlook though!
Saying "I've learnt SO MANY skills by moving out" lol, don't we all!
I say the most important skills include spotting red flags in ppl!! lol.

I'm so glad there's a synergy with your psych, how sweet!
My Cs brains will be picked raw on Schemas tomorrow lol.
I'll report back!

Omg Schitt's Creek hahaha. Really great show.
Yep let's be the "salmon" going against the rapids!

Onwards and UPwards! lol.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

"If the article WAS correct then why do some ppl who have the "luck" to win Lotto, with millions as the prize, oftentimes have ZERO $$ left to show for it shortly afterwards? ... I think within 2 years was one article I read.
It's because they don't know how to manage money." ecomama quotes.

Hi again EM. I'd like to respond to that because, well, it supports the hypothesis of wealth creation has some degree of luck to it. We agree it is lucky to win the lotto. I knew a couple briefly who won the lotto, first prize and they told me that it was highly beneficial no doubt, but quite strange. The lotto company would either provide them a single lump sum that was only a % of the advertised div 1 prize immediately, OR they could receive a yearly amount for a number of years that would supply the entire 100% advertised div prize pool appropriately divided amongst the winners.

So they took the lump sum and put it all to their house mortgage, and nothing else changed in their lives at all. The dad said the only change was that when they died, there would be a little more for their children, and that they'd likely holiday a bit more because they had no mortgage to pay.

So that's interesting anecdote hey.

Let us say that a person who buys a lotto ticket is aware that the chances of winning are very low, that person is in fact making a poor decision about wealth creation, mathematically speaking, either pure finance or probability thinking. So I don't think that bit of luck in winning lotto, represents any indication that they know how to "manage money" at all, like ever, so yep, my conclusion is that the winners will likely go right on in their "poor" management of money, regardless of how much they win/have!

So yeh, totally agree, managing money is certainly at least part of the factors that lead to wealth creation... but dismissing luck as a factor, nope not for your posited reason so far, doesn't work for me.

I note that the person who made the statement about luck being a factor, also states his belief that the wealthy disagree with that factor having any relevance at all, is congruent with your stated position. Like the guy predicted your own opinion on this very topic, from 10 thousand km away and quite a few years ago, ie 2012.

I hold his predication as pretty on the money, in this regard - without intending to imply any offence.

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

yeah it sounds like you need to find a way to work less. It takes it out of the best of us! No need for others to be slacking while you do all the work. They could be training etc if they’re not up for it.

Im good Em, I probably come on the forums when I’m a bit wobbly, rather than the other way around. It’s been tough this week, MH wise, but it also feels real and gritty. Work has been good about it too, just hoping there’s no long term repercussions. Altho atm I can’t be bothered- if I lose work/ jobs, that’s ok for a bit.
I've been hating the feeling of being on call, waiting for txt messages telling me where to go, what to do. So when I expressed the pressure I felt under, they cut me back to just what was on my roster. Much easier to deal with. For now. Hopefully I’ll get back to being able to cope with the nature of this job, and things get more normal. Or else I’ll quit.....

I’m missing being creative!

more accurately, I’m enjoying the chance to be creative in my free time lately.

take care Em,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey dng!

I skimmed your last post mostly because I don't gamble! hahaha.

It's all in the eyes of the beholder really.

A perspective chosen can be one strongly held on to regardless of the facts contrary to this view being the life experiences of others expressing them.

I would expect a person who's specific life choices made certain outcomes probably predictable, probably even resentful of others more wealthy.
Many "wealthy" people have had to scratch and claw and climb their way out of many a deep financial hole as I've had to since childhood.
Luck had zero to do with it.

As I eluded to earlier "The Barefoot Investor" is a great read!
Plus I began a wealth creation journey a long while back by reading "Rich dad, Poor dad".
That's not an exhaustive list.

Conclusion: I agree to disagree.

Many best wishes
EM

[ecomama]

Hey J*!

Wow it seems like things have been tough for you lately.

I relate that to feeling like the ball in a pinball machine, being pinged here and there all over the place.
Mmmmm. Not fun unless you're up for the challenge!

Well I really took the bull yesterday after extension of the Lock Down was announced here on Wed.

I emailed my bosses with major issues to deal with, which are pretty threatening work wise... long story.
But Covey would be proud of me lol.... I ALSO emailed every issue with an accompanying POTENTIAL SOLUTION.

So far everyone's just been whingeing about all sorts and tbh I got sick to the hilt of it!
That motivated me to think deeper / higher on each issue and so far every single solution I relayed has been approved.

MORE TRAINING oh yeah!
I've been saying specific things intermittently for a decade now... each time dismissed with a "Oh we know how to do that..." Kind of attitude.

Well if they all DID then I would not be snowed under.

So I'm passing some of the programs BACK to staff after I've completed a "proto type" of sorts, well it will be for the second week with another hellish weekend coming up for me...

My boss didn't even know what she was approving I'm sure!
She just said YES BRILLIANT EM lol.

Because of the incredible positive feedback my programs received (oh great) now the tsunami of demand has increased.
It will keep increasing as long as LD goes.

I told my boss this was NOT "sustainable" for me to be working 40h from Friday afternoon till Monday morning only to go on site then work all week and wash rinse repeat.

The staff members I've been able to work closely with IN THIS VERY AREA, with an open and honest energy between us, got their adjustments checked by me early in the peace and moved forward.
Nothing more.

Yes! FAR more training needed but it's always been offered.
Too much arrogance for ppl to admit they needed to learn it all!

Now it's like we're trying to patch a huge hole in a ship while it's out to sea.
It could've been repaired on "dry land".

Anyhoo that's my life for now.
Barely a moment for any thing else whatsoever.
Work has consumed my life almost entirely.

Still no word from p.son's school about HSC Trial exams or NOT.

He doesn't need to go down South to work this w/end thank God lol.
No Covid tests required for our family this week! Thank God lol.

Take care!
EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

Barefoot investor is indeed a good read, mum gave it to me some time ago.

I think a miscommunication has occurred, because it seems you dismiss "luck" entirely.

Good luck is just a benefit that happens to us, that we didn't control. Bad luck is just a harm that happens to us, that we didn't control. Good management well, that's all about the stuff we can control - that's where hard work comes into it, and rightly so.

I was lucky to be born in Australia.

Mum was lucky her father survived WW2, otherwise Mum wouldn't have been born.

That kind of stuff. do u follow?

love dng.

[ecomama]

*** Trigger warning*** childhood abuse & trauma

Update:

I haven't had time to articulate an event that occurred this week.
I can't explain the event - word limit!

Suffice to say my REACTION to this event was deep. My soul reverberated. My body was numb.
I was unable to understand it, even days afterwards.

Psych friend and I are too busy to talk atm.

My Counsellor was able to hold space with me, ask the right questions & begin me on another healing journey which was SO DEEP. I can't believe how intertwined this was within me. She mentioned "the body keeps score".

So a violent act occurred in my childhood, well countless did, but this ONE event was specifically connected to my reaction this week. Another to a lesser degree.

I cried to my Counsellor so much. I still start to cry when I think about the thoughts I'd created back then, how desperately I was always seeking the love, acceptance, acknowledgement of my mother.
I did EVERY THING she told me to do.
Always.

I disobeyed her at 15yo. I "belligerently" stayed at school. Called all sorts of names that didn't describe me at all. She always called me names, before I even knew what those names meant.

I knew at times her demands could be unsafe for me, but I was too afraid of her anger to do otherwise.
Many times I was injured.

I was also told not to cry etc. So I learnt how NOT to cry. Stay cold stony faced.

The hurt I felt this week by a simple response from one of my children, caused in me, the same reaction.
I didn't know it at the time.

I couldn't co-regulate myself bec I didn't know what was happening.
I just had a cup of tea in shock & went to bed.

I did not react in any way to my child, just walked away.

My C said that my child knows they are loved unconditionally, that's WHY they could say that to me.
My self talk was "____ must hate me" and "why doesn't ____ CARE about me?" and "what have I done wrong for them to do that?"

And was answered by my C with THAT'S how you felt when your mother inflicted X Y Z on you.
The event this week was around an injury I had & needed help with nursing it.

Alexa was able to make a "compassionate visit" to deal with it tonight.
Now after she's left, the GUILT I recognise... the sadness.

My C is aware of me always punishing myself & taking responsibility for other's actions as being my fault, I caused it.
Abuse survivor mentality.

Another hidden treasure to work through.

EM

[Jstar49]

Oh Em.
Bundling you up in all sorts of cuddly, containing safe energy, so that you can find safety in working thru this. Sooo hard when something triggers that deep stuff.
Are you ok?

Yes absolutely, our children CAN say stuff to us becos they KNOW that they are safe, no matter what. Not like you were as a child with your mum.
Im so sorry that you had those hurtful experiences growing up. You did NOT deserve that, and you deserve all the love and healing energy now, to fully recover from those traumatic events, and to be well. Not just papering over the cracks.
Speaking of cracks, it reminds me of that bit about how god uses our brokenness, the cracks in our ‘vessel’ to let his light shine thru.
My heart is with you today. Get some rest, and draw me a picture, beautiful Em. (On sleepys thread we’ve been discussing the awesomeness of crayons for emotional release work...)

Not sure how you’re managing with all the work demands- def unsustainable! You know your priorities.

Big hugs,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

D&G, as a general rule I would not discourage someone from joining a discussion I am part of. I will say, however, that the lengthy argument about wealth creation and luck would be just fine as a standalone topic, but as a response to a conversation about surviving neglect and/or abuse and the consequences thereof, it was inappropriately flippant and I feel it belittled our collective experience with such things. Bear in mind that most if not all of us here have lived our childhoods or entire lives with our experiences and feelings being treated as irrelevant, and doing so here and now strongly echoes the very trauma we are discussing. I urge you in future to take extreme care in replying to topics of such gravity and to be aware of the significant potential for harm. I doubt you intended harm, but for my part, I find myself now feeling markedly less comfortable and safe discussing my situation in this thread.

Blue.