new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Grandy I'm so sorry for the loss of your son's friend last Tuesday. These times are so difficult for us to go through. 

So many complex emotions are felt all at once. It's difficult to process our confusion and grief in the face of such tragedies. 

In hindsight I can now see that when I've been able to grieve with others that feel the loss deeply also, it doesn't lessen the impact, but somehow it's a comfort. 
Just to be able to talk about that person and how we feel / felt about them. What they MEANT to us. How important they were to us. 

It means a lot, 
Hugs. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, I'm sure you're fortunate not to have lost someone you loved through death up till now. 

It was the same for BF. He was around 45yo when his wife passed. He went into shock even though her illness was terminal and he'd had around 2y of knowledge around it. 

He pretty much lost it altogether. I don't blame anyone for how they react. It's not for me to judge. 

His family don't "do grief" it seems. That's the message I got immediately upon meeting his dad for the first time, 3 days after his wife of 70y passed away. 
Stoic. 

We all have our own way of grieving. 
That lady from work, well I learnt yesterday that she's arrogance personified. Have always been nice to her and complimentary (as arrogant ppl demand lol) but after yesterday and what she said in response to me offering sympathies to the passing of her own mother this year (I only found out yesterday), she said "Oh don't worry, she was 92". 
Gobsmacked. 
I didn't bother responding. 

Yes it was nice having all the family here today. I now have to find my less able chickens and introduce them to their new shack. Probably have to find a sturdy water bowl etc still. Not sure how far they got with the set up, 
I was too busy getting the food ready. 

It's almost dark, so I'd better get down there. 

Thanks Blue, your words are of great comfort to me, as always
Love EMxxxx

[mmMekitty]

Hi EM, found you again! I noted the wonderful discussions you have had with Clues_Of_Blue & Grandy. I'm not sure if anything I might add would be at all useful. I think you've expressed yourselves here very well.

I think any space opened up to have the 'serious' conversations is of enormous value, not only today, but tomorrow, as well.

All I am sure of, is that, no matter how we respond to loss & express grief, or even if we don't have a grief reaction to a loss, & feel nothing, & everything in between is okay. 

Big hugzies, to everyone, (only as you would like),❤️ 

mmMekitty

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Fortunate in some ways, not so fortunate in others - primary reason I haven't lost anyone close to me before now is a distinct lack of people of any significant closeness.

I can well imagine how BF felt, losing his wife. I didn't realise his situation with her paralleled mine with LM. Of course he went into shock. I don't think any amount of foreknowledge could stop that. In some ways it would be worse. With LM's decline in health, he needs me more and more. My world has shrunk - I don't work any more, I don't do a lot of anything that doesn't involve him. He is central to my every moment of life in a very different way to how it would be if he were well. I'm sorry BF went through what I am going through. Sending a hug for him too (if he would like one).

I agree everyone grieves in their own way. I'd have to say we really don't know until we're there ourselves how it will hit us. I understand stoicism as much as I understand tears. I'd be inclined to steer clear of that person from work, though. There's stoic, then there's outright callous. Not the same thing. Then there's my "dad" who took it a step further, days after his wife's passing, lightly remarking "I guess it wouldn't look good if I start dating again". I'm thankful to be able to value people close to me more than that, and to know people like yourself who do also.

I'm glad you had your family around you, and they were able to help you set things up for your beautiful chickens to be safe and secure. I know you were concerned about not being able to do that on your own. Do they have a good water bowl and such, now?

Always here to listen,

Blue.

PS Grandy, kind thoughts to you and your grandson, he must be really hurting from losing his best friend.

PPS MmMekitty, thanks for the hugs. I don't doubt EM values your visit and contribution to the conversation, as I do.

[ecomama]

Hey Kitty, sorry I forgot to mention on your thread about the name of my thread. I found your thread for the sole reason for doing that and forgot! I got caught up in reading back some posts and replied about what was going on. 
Thanks ADHD yet again! 

Happy you found US in my spot over here. YES HUGS THANK YOU lol. 
Hugs back! 

I love that you offer hugs to everyone, keep being you Kitty lol. 

I know what you mean about being glad for our space where we can open up about more serious things related to how we're doing, what we're thinking and how life's going in general for us. 
It is important. 

I was going to mention this recently, as I have done much much earlier in my thread, I do need to post things of great significance that ex nasty I call demon may have had a hand in, in an out of kilter timing. Some other stuff too. Just to throw any of that clutch of demons off the scent lol. 

IRL I don't have a deceptive cell in my body in normal times. 
In challenging times, I learnt deception from the most evil of creatures, I became expert at it in fact! 

I joined FB for the pure purpose of DECEPTION. Throughout all the courts era I posted HAPPY pics of us all together that had been take a year or more beforehand RIGHT when I was actually doing the opposite. 
It worked. 

Not sure why I took that tangent right now Kitty lol but it has been on my mind. 

It's so nice seeing your cheery supportive posts to everyone on the forums. You really brighten up the forums and I'm glad you're here, 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, indeed there are many similarities between what BF went through and the issues you're going through atm too. Of course BF went through this time whilst living in America so there was zero financial support for anything so that's all very different EG zero unemployment benefits as he'd worked in "the family business" for 30y - their structures over there have the "Matthew Effects" meaning the rich get richer and the poor, well who cares. 
It took BF around 10-15y to pay his sister back for all the medical costs, ambulances and hospital stays. 
He went through a lot caring for her for years before.
He seldom cries about her anymore to me, he cried an ocean talking about it all over the first few years. 

The biggest differences are the expectations of each of you. It's like women are allowed to cry, be emotional etc and men, from his vintage and especially his family, aren't, at all. 
We both realise that BF not being able to talk about that time with anyone and grieve really at all for almost 10y cost him a lot of mental health. 

I remember you saying you've never been close to people you've lost enough to grieve for them. 
I think with partners we love, it's next level for most. 

Grief is the strangest thing. It's like it's SO personal yet we desperately NEED people to acknowledge our grief. 
Dismissing us at other times could give us the poos. Dismissing our grief is deeply cutting. 

And then there's the grief of losing something more conceptual, like "family". 

Tbh I find peoples' words to me over what I SHOULD be grieving over so revolting. Why should on people. Isn't life hard enough? 
Yes is the answer lol. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, sorry I forgot to respond to your enquiries about the CHOOK pen. Omg so tired today and not even typing well ugh... 

That creative space is up to Engineering standards lol. The wire covered steel reinforcement sheets I was going to use for another project were used for the 2 walls. The other wall is the Chook Palace wall. The last is a "door". 

Yes I found an old ceramic crock from a crock pot lol... it was used for water for the roaming wildlife. 
I cleaned it up and used that for water. 

Lo and behold when I went down there first thing to feed BOTH sets of chickens... I saw 3 healthy chickens in the new coop and the less able ones in the Palace.... what? 
Houdinis they all are lol. 

They'd expanded a HOLE a fox made that I'd put bricks against. They'd toppled the bricks and pushed through the hole. 

I had to take each chook under my arm and return them to their own houses lol. 
The least able chook was quite upset the other chooks were in HER space, she magically flew UP to the top of her new House and went crook at them lol. 

She didn't like it last night but this morning she wanted it all to herself hahaha. 
It's actually a 2 storey Guinea Pig or rabbit hutch. There's a nuisance hole in the back of where she wanted to sleep, a crawl space hole for the animals it was designed for, not chooks! 
Have to trouble shoot that one on the weekend too. 

I brought up the specially designed waterer and hanging seed thingy which didn't work with tons of chickens. 
Hoping to scrub them clean on the weekend and set them up in the new pen. 

A few other projects planned for the girls for Spring and Summer time lol. 

Love EMxxxx

[mmMekitty]

Hugzies anytime.

I am curious about the FB thing, too - wondering who was the deception for? I mean, who were you trying to decieve? For what reason? No need to answer here It's just me thinking you went to some trouble to make the account, select & post the photos, which, as you note, were from years prior - quite a lot of time & effor, so I wonder, what was behind that?

*

Anyway, just trying to recall the set-up my father had for our chooks when I was a kid. I think what you are trying to create for them is pure luxury by comparison. Seems my memory is vague, only remembering generally 'slum' conditions, bare ground, too.  We did give them lots of food scraps, as well as commercial food pellets.

Time short, now... 

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

*** Trigger Warning - domestic & family violence ***

Hey Kitty, exH is the demon (& it's minions) I was deceiving on FB. It's a fetid, putrid story. One littered thru the first 200 pages of my thread. 

I won't explain HOW he did what he did, don't want to give potential abusers any more ideas. 

I was in many Courts / Legal action for around 5 - 7y. 
It was a living hell. 

I had to constantly protect the children from demon still AFTER we got him out of my home. 

I had prepared for Family Law Courts for around 2 -3y reading up to 700 pages per night of Family Law, BEFORE we were in FLC. 
Thankfully I'd studied WHO demon actually was through online Psych websites for the 3y previous to that. 
I knew he was a Narcissistic Psychopath, the Police confirmed this with a test they do for Victims. 

It was earth shattering. Demon turning up at all hours terrorising us (which it had done for the years of "marriage" incl very sneaky ways). 
The children disclosed years of SA during the Court process which was the most shattering knowledge of all. 

No, the Police weren't any help. Once you know how often this goes on, with cunning abusers, that people can't escape because there's really no protection, I went thru it so I know it's true. 

We had gone on "safe house road trips" where family & friends put us up along the way. Took TONS of "happy snaps", it was these + other silly clips eg laying down in the garden with my rescue chickens having a ball... which created the deception. I posted these throughout the Courts time. 

I KNEW demon was stalking me online, regardless of all the "blocking" because it constantly mentioned these trips to the Courts. My Lawyers, Barristers, Police (JIRT & Detectives), Child Protection & all the Agencies involved knew what I'd done. 

That's a Very brief outline. 

love EM 

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I can only imagine the hell it would have been for BF, I know America is a nightmare for financial support, vulnerable people really are just left to suffer. Of course he had an ocean to cry to you in those first years, the sheer lack of support and compassion around him must have been suffocating. I feel for him.

There are definitely different expectations of men & women, and from one generation to another. I am from a very much "stiff upper lip" family, it doesn't matter that I'm female or young, ain't no-one at ease with tears among my lot. It's a big part of why I found such maladaptive coping mechanisms for all the revolting stuff I went through prior to meeting LM. I have better, more supportive people in my life now. Let's just say it was different pain, but I can relate to having decades of messy mental health for similar reasons to BF.

Until now I have been very detached from the concept of loss. People in my family have passed and I didn't feel much. I witnessed a death in my childhood, and I didn't feel anything, really. It's only now, with the loss of our baby bird, and my husband terminally ill that any sense of loss is actually touching me. Perhaps I am unusual.

Definitely a strange thing, I agree. Dismissed grief is cutting indeed. I agree that the concept of family is another wholly valid thing to grieve. No-one gets to tell us what we "should" be grieving, that is not anyone else's purview.

Oh my, what a kerfuffle with your dear chickens. Hope you've got everyone in their right places now and settled happily. I can imagine you snuggling a chicken under each arm and returning them to where they are meant to be, haha. I'm sure you will get it all sorted out.

No words for all the horrors you dealt with on account of demon. I've known of much less insidious cases to still be inadequately protected against by the law, so I understand how great a struggle that must have been for you. More hugs, and always here to listen.

Love,

Blue.