new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear sweet ecomama, 🤗 and everyone….🤗.

I am so sorry to hear that you were triggered into PTSD…That would have been very frightening for you….I wish so much I could give you a r/l hug 🤗 until your shaking stops…It’s really hard to get out of a PTSD downer..

Please try hard to tell yourself, that your safe now, your mother isn’t near you, she can’t hurt you anymore….I know we can say that…but sometimes our minds just can’t or won’t accept that….because seeing/hearing something that puts us into PTSD makes everything come back to the surface…It’s something that unfortunately we will have for the rest of our lives, so finding a way to bring you back into the here and now, very quickly once triggered is what you have to try and find….hard though isn’t it?….I can suggest all these things to you, but when it comes to the crunch….PTSD has a mind of its own and it’s so hard to over ride it….

I do so much hope that over the weekend, you can spend time doing things that you love to do….watching chicken playing around in your garden, while you sit outside and enjoy a hot beverage….then maybe a stroll through your beautiful garden, a garden that you created with your own 2 hands and hard work….

EM…you are one amazing woman….I am in awe of how much time, love and energy that you give your children…I never had the chance to do those things for my children…I missed out on so much…and have many regrets….Your children are very lucky to have a strong, dependable, courageous, loving mother in their lives….and visa versa….You have a beautiful family…Please ecomama draw strength from your gorgeous children this weekend, enjoy their company and keep making precious memories that you can look back on…

Thinking of you with kindness and care….awe here you go….some hugs🤗 in a 🫙 jar…everlasting for this weekend 😁..when you need one…open the lid, you will feel a gentle warmth envelope your beautiful soul…that’s all the love and care, that your beautiful caring friends here on BB have for you…

Grandy.

[ecomama]

Dearest Blue, I wrote about the treatment I had for vertigo on your other thread. I'm telling you now, I was so sick when I was in the NT trying to get on a plane but they shoved me off to a mini hospital... I was really too sick to argue with anyone. But still thought you're doing THIS to me and think it'll work?? 
Nothing the Drs gave me worked. They phoned a major hospital in WA!! and were making arrangements to fly me there for God's sake...when a Dr from WA got on the phone and told them he was sending a link to the manoeuvre and I can't believe it worked.
They'd never done it before so had to do it 3 times, but it worked. 

My eyes were literally spinning in their sockets, they didn't have time to diagnose me, but knew it was something that the meds weren't helping. 

You know US and meds Blue. Ughhh. Maybe we're both from another world lol. 

IF it ever happens again, I'll book straight in to my Chiro as he is an EXPERT at it! Once and I'm well, yay!

Yvette had a Telehealth appt while I was out (more on that next post), so I had to pick up antibiotics for her, plus anti histamines and lots of cough lollies. I also figure she's depleted her Vitamin C as we all do each day. SO bought a heap of juices (as she can't swallow very well). Now her ears are aching. 
Alexa and one child getting "strep throat" this week didn't instill any comfort that this wasn't the same thing. 
Ofcourse the GP couldn't look down her throat over the phone! Still she was lucky to get an appt so quickly, it's usually days or weeks till we can see a DR now our population has exploded in our local area. 

Yes I've had a horrible time recently. 
I can see Grandy has also mentioned the PTSD episode, so I'll respond to her including the next tunnel of grief to come out of. Feeling sooooo SAD. 

Praying this will lighten over time. 
Love EM

[ecomama]

Dearest Grandy, thank YOU for that jar of warm hugs for my soul. 
My soul is hurting so much, I'm crying again. 

I remember asking here on my thread when P.son up & left home in a week & I was desperately afraid for him (for all the reasons I sadly turned out to be right on)... 
How many times can a heart be broken?

Countless times. 

I knew today was coming, but with the 2 weeks I've just had, I had little time to mentally prepare myself. 

Today I had to attend a Wake, a Memorial they called it. The man was magnificent. He'd been a steadfast person I saw & spoke to almost every day I went to work. We had a close bond, he like a father figure to me. When I found out he passed I burst into tears at work. 
After work I saw his wife, hugged her & we both cried and cried and cried. 

Today was my father's birthday. I don't refer to him as dad. I call him by his first name he was that distant. 
He left us when I was very young after a horrible set of family tragedies; death of my brother, house burning down, mother in a Psychiatric hospital (no bloody wonder). 
Left for his mistress, just like that. 

We had nowhere else to live but a shed with no electricity. No toilet. One tap from a tank. All we owned was burned. 
What a pos father. 

Grandy you NEVER abandoned your children. 
I know the story of your precious second son but you had NO choice. 
You were THERE. 

I am the sister of a precious adopted brother, I want to THANK you and the mother of my brother for doing the hardest thing on earth. 
I can't imagine my life without my brother. 

I'm just full of grief right now. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: postponed grief and anger. 

I had to postpone grieving and sorting through my thoughts and emotions over the death of my father, with no warning, 30y ago. I COULD have had warning but no, I wasn't important enough. His only child. 
It's his birthday today and I know he's rotting in hell. 
I am SO angry with that thing. 

At the time he died, I had just lost the most important adult in my life, who'd been like a mother to me. 
My protector as much as she could. My Nana. 
My marriage with the ACs as babies and children had imploded. 
We were homeless. All in a month. 

I had no job. 
I was bereft. Despairing. Heartbreak and anguish were constants. 
Only MY two hands to care for these beautiful babies now! 
Being a single parent was the last thing I ever wanted for my children to have. 

I was living my nightmares. Not knowing my worst nightmares were a few years off. 

Today as I honoured a brilliant, AWESOME man at his Memorial, certainly not my father but a man who had done far more than my father ever did. He was THERE. I didn't lean on him much, but he was steadfast for me. Now he's gone and I'm heartbroken. 

Every time I hug his wife we just cry. 
Omg they were together for 72 YEARS. 

A homeless man stopped me on the way to the Memorial. He said sorry to me 5 TIMES when asking for money. I began to cry! I said you don't have to say sorry to me, I'm sorry you're in this situation. 
I gave him a $50 note, walked quickly away saying "I'll Pray for you". 

SERENITY PRAYER, 
Love to all, EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Looks like we were typing at the same time, I just answered your post on my thread. I'm not surprised the doctors were skeptical about the Epley manoeuvre, they take some real convincing when any treatment isn't "throw drugs at the problem and hope it goes away". I'm just glad it helped you. As for us and meds... I can't speak for you, but they've been a mixed bag for me. I had a bad run with the ADHD meds, but my ADs were actually way more effective for me than for most, they kicked in within hours not weeks like they tell you to expect. Not complaining.

I'm glad Yvette got a doctor's appointment so quickly, here's hoping she gets well quickly with all the bits and pieces you got for her.

I'm sorry to hear of the painful loss you have experienced, EM. I understand all the complex feelings you are having re your father, too. Of course you are feeling great grief for a man who was steadfast and present in a way your father never was. I am grateful that you had someone in your life who was there for you as a father figure, and whose life is worth grieving. I know you will be feeling that gratitude too, but that the feeling of grief and loss is at the fore right now. Let yourself feel it, friend. You're not alone, I will listen and hold space for you, as I'm sure others here will also. I've no shortage of understanding for your grief at a time like this.

Big hugs,

Blue.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

No words... just the most gentle hug possible

Paws

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much Blue and Paws.
I'm so tired of grieving. Feels like a life full of grieving. I can only stop crying for moments since the Memorial. 

Went to Coles TWICE... saw youth from the Community I work in, working there. I asked one do my eyes look like I'm ya know... she said "OH they look ok, what's going on?" then she realised and started to cry. 
2nd trip the other girl had found out from the first. So we all 3 just talked at the checkout and kept wiping tears away. 

He was THAT great.
He touched everyone in that Community. Everyone knew him. What a massive hole he's left for us all and I can't even imagine what his wife is going through. 

So that's me. Crying, crying. Headache because I'm crying. Run out of tissues, so I'm using loo paper lol, still crying. 

"He wouldn't want you to cry" a woman from work said. 
"He'd understand that I am" I replied. 

Good ole dismissive comments and at a WAKE! lots of swear words... if we can't cry at a wake then when can we cry. 

BF is usually the only person I cry to when I cry. Lucky him. 
He's so gorgeous when I say sorry for crying or thankyou for listening, he says "Baby! It's my privilege to be there for you! I just wish I could do more, like be there WITH you.." 

The kids must've told the ACs that "mum's falling apart" or something. They contacted me and offered to help do some work at my house and in my garden tomorrow. Never mentioning anything about anything. Just out of the blue. 

Now I feel guilty that I have what I have. I'm so grateful, yet the depths of my love is equal to the depths of my fear of loss. 

Not sure what Brene would say about this! I guess she had her own breakdown so I'd be in good company. 

A billion hugs back, 
Love EMxxxx

[Ggrand]

Dearest ecomama,

I am feeling so deeply sorry for your loss of a great caring and loving man….my heart goes out to so much….loosing someone we love is the most difficult thing to get through….My grandson lost his best friend of 9 years in a tragedy on Tuesday…Grandson’s family is finding it so hard to comprehend and accept that he is gone…..as he was very loved by the entire family……I think I know how deep your hurt goes….It doesn’t matter how much you cry beautiful friend….let those tears fall….your soul and heart are hurting and tears are the only way, that can help them heal….🤗♥️…RIP, beautiful man….

I am so sorry, that you were once homeless…I do know how that feels….You have risen from that challenge and have gained so much strength within you, you are a survivor ecomama a strong and beautiful loving mother and woman….

You have beautiful caring children, how sweet and caring was that, that your children reached out your AC and expressed their concern for you…I think it’s lovely that they will come today and help you around the house and yard….Today spending time with your younger and adult children is something that you will treasure and look back on….lean on them sweet ecomama if you need to….They are there for you as much as you are their for them….Family really is the best soul medicine that anyone can ever get….I do hope that even though you’re still deeply grieving your dear friend….that you can find a little bit of happiness and peace in your soul….

My kind thoughts with care, love and hugs..🦋🌹♥️🤗…

Grandy….

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (with a wave to everyone else),

I understand how you would be feeling tired of grieving. I'm fairly new to it myself, at least in terms of loss of life, but even one such loss weighs heavily on the soul. Of course you feel like crying. It's good that there are people who share in what you're feeling and can cry with you. You are supported in your grief, and I am thankful that you are.

I can relate to the headache from crying, I know what that's like. As for that callous woman from work and her comment... I'm just shaking my head. Put her out of your mind, you know you have a bunch of colleagues who aren't very good people, all you can do is keep them at arm's length.

I'm glad BF is so kind and supportive when you need to cry. I'm glad too that your ACs are coming to help you get some stuff done at home. It's beautiful that your family is pulling together when you need them.

No doubt Brene has plenty to say about grief, I dunno, I haven't followed her like you do, but she seems to have quite a body of work and something to say about pretty much everything. Maybe she has some words of comfort.

More hugs,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Grandy, thankyou for your kind and caring words, as always. 

I cried my tears out yesterday, none today. I know it'll all come back when I see his wife this week, as I happen to, so often there. He was a great man, tbh even knowing a "great man" has been so fleeting in my life. It's the women in my life that have been strong. Not the men. 

My brother is lovely to me 99% of the time. Don't see him much but that's ok. We're all busy. 
Mysteriously he actually dropped in this morning too... possibly the ACs contacted him... IDK. 
It was nice to catch up. He works SO hard 6 days a week in demanding building work. Currently he's staying in Motels during the week so lessen the commute. I'm happy he's staying off the freeways more. 

I'm banking on my own sons showing me how great men are. They've actually looked to their friends' dads as role models of "how to be a good man", I'm glad they have some role models. 

Otherwise my own elders are pretty much full of "Amazon Women" I call them. 

All my children and grandchildren were able to come together at home today, which is rare. One son had to leave in a hurry and pick up his new GF early from work as she was unwell. She wanted to come here instead of going to her home (which I found quite telling). It was nice having her join in and the others to get to know her a lot better. The ACs have judged her harshly after their first meeting. 

My kids are a bunch of intellects. Completing a new chook pen together was problematic, I left them to it when they were in disagreement lol. 

Came inside to finish cooking the huge Sunday Roast. 

It was lovely. They're all exhausted. I thanked them many times. I couldn't have done that job on my own, nowhere near as well as it was done! 

Thankyou Grandy, your words always warm my soul, 
Love EMxxxx