new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

You do have a lot going on. And your thread has sure gotten busy!

Nothing like a lockdown to complicate your son's house move. I see he's managed to get his stuff moved since we last spoke, though, & that he's had some time home with you. That's good. It's great what you've done for him with Uber, he must be feeling somewhat safer, now. That's some good parenting.

Unbelievable that your grandson was left in that condition without even being seen. Sounds like criminal negligence to me. How is he now, and how is Alexa?

I'm glad you're making good food and sleep your priority, though I can imagine that being a challenge in itself (heck, I find it a challenge and I don't have half as much going on as you).

How are you coping, being on leave? No doubt it's valuable having time, but I know how much financial stress you're under. I guess there's a little wiggle room if you could get a leaf blower, glad you could get something to make things a bit easier. Sorry to hear you're expecting a new neighbour to want you to cough up for a new fence. It's vaguely possible that won't come to pass. I'm in a low socio-economic area, it's not unusual to see a fence erected just inside a property boundary to block the view of some other pauper's crappy one, here. Anyway, can't blame you for thinking on simplifying your plans for the cabin, your dollars seem to be in demand.

Interesting news re prodigal son's ex. Though it begs the question of why he even answered the phone after all the BS she's put him though. I wouldn't have. Try and remember she made her choices and her problems now aren't his and they aren't yours - you both have more than enough of your own.

On an unrelated note, I thought of you recently whilst reading an article on creativity. There was a quote from Brene Brown, I know how you love her. Slightly paraphrased: "Unused creativity is not benign... when people sit on that creativity or deny it, it festers, it metastasises into resentment, grief and heartbreak." The article went on to comment on how that is especially true for people with ADHD. It really hit home to me, how mundane necessities have pushed creativity out of my life, & how I was so active before that happened but was never burnt out like I am now. Hmm.

Blue.

PS Hey Sleepy (whom I hope will have a furry or feathery companion soon), J* and all. Kind thoughts to you, Emo, that's a hell of a lot to be dealing with. You've definitely come to the right thread for understanding and support.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue!

Long time lol, hope you're getting meds working for you.
What an incredible thought from Brene huh?
I completely agree with that.

Alexa is really creative and talented and now KNOWS if she doesn't give time to her creative pursuits then she really physically suffers. She believes this health issue, which she's going full alternative therapy on, is probably ALL due to stress and doing her art RELIEVES the stress.

My own outlet for creativity is with finances mostly HAHAHA... it is!
Omg I have to get SO creative there in these times. I had a thought on that which I might share as an Update... hmm. It's helped.
But I am being creative in my garden and I LOVE it. I even love the hard work, altho I'd be happy for a tad less of that lol. I'd have to clone myself 10x to do ALL the creative things I love. All good, one person, one set of 24h at a time lol.
My kids are blown away with the garden so that's happy.

SIX weeks of grandson being ill, getting a bit brighter - being forced to attend school, Dr after Dr then Alexa took him to her new flash Dr and she was horrified at how ill he was. Delirium, in and out of consciousness. Yes it was disgusting what that hospital staff did, I expect no better from them, I drive an hour to another one instead when needed now.
Antibiotics, rest time and he's great now.

P.son got his 2 boxes of stuff moved across to the new place almost 2 weeks ago but needs SO MUCH more stuff. He slept in a sleeping bag for his one work shift he's had down there. The live in landlord (B) seems like a very nurturing soul to all the students. He buys milk for them all to use and always has some oranges and other staples for all the kids. What a sweetie. He EVEN let one girl bring her DOG from home to live there, bec she was home sick and missed her dog! WOW! B has a dog too, so now he has 2 lol.

Yeah exGF texted in panic fashion, so p.son answered her call. He sat there and said "Yeah I know how it feels" as she described her shock and betrayal. Yup he knows ALL about that. He said he still has to go to school with her, so he was just being nice but felt very vindicated by the call.

He's been here mostly since then. We're travelling down tomorrow just for 1 night to set him up.

Going back to work next week but due to lock down being extended, it will be 50% working from home.

I'm telling you now, following my instincts has paid off in exponential ways recently.
Praying it continues lol.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: re-categorising the past.

My Counselling journey is focussing on managing the present and sorting out the past abuses.

Lately I've been fortunate enough to spend more time in my garden, which is really my thing.
I often talk with BF over the phone when I'm down there working.

Last week, I realised just HOW OFTEN, as I'm doing a task, I think "Demon wouldn't like me doing it this way" or such...always about what demon would say to me.
The thoughts are not as relentless as they were. It's not the extreme tumblings of IRL reliving events, just these thoughts.

So I sat in my Mother Earth Grand garden chair and meditated upon this (bec quite frankly it's annoying and intrusive). I sat with those thoughts. On and off for hours. I brought myself back to my chair and sat with them each time they happened over the duration of a day.

Then a shift occurred.
A feeling of pure freedom.
Clarity of my OPTIONS of thoughts.

I saw ALL the learning on a thousand levels I had all throughout those decades.
That knowledge, those skills, everything was learnt by me bec of a sheer determination motivated by LOVE.

I KNOW with 100% certainty that I would NEVER have learnt all I did without that time.

So now I can replace those thoughts of demon with "What have I learnt?..."
So when I'm moving bricks for eg lol... instead of a "demon thought", I relax and expand in the skills I learnt to build that wall / the use of all my resources / use of my strength / that I'm building this to protect my chickens, all motivated by LOVE.

It's super fun!
I can feel and experience so much healing in this.

Hope everyone is wonderful today,
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: back from p.son's.

Feels like a month since we went to move son into his new place.

B, the man who has the house, seems to be a nice mother / father type personality lol.
We met the other housemates and the dogs.
Everyone keeps to their own room. Seldom any mixing for anyone to talk or such.

It's a really old house but with good insulation!
Stacks of antiques everywhere, B is a bit of a hoarder.

We totally rearranged the attic room.
Made son's bed and set up all his stuff in drawers etc.

We got lots of stuff for son like school snacks and dry food.

It's pretty lonely. He has a solitary existence down there.

Son remembered something important he'd left at the old place. We picked it up on our way back. Dear me, the entire yard is full of rubbish and overgrown.

Thankfully son could walk away for the last time and know he doesn't have to mow those steep lawns any more.

I have to alter son's Winter school pants. He gets to stay at home alot more, esp if we're doing "Learning from home" - which suits our family.
He just needs to go down for work shifts.

I'm relieved to know p.son will be taking a "gap year", he really needs it to get his life and MH back together. 5 months to go till he's home to stay. We all can't wait.

The triggers on the trip were so wide and varied.
I'm still recovering from them, will need to sort through those before I head back down within the month, I'm guessing.

I hope everyone is staying safe and warm,
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Em

sorting out past traumas is very hard - but very rewarding, i think. Re ur counselling work - sounds amazng!

I feel for p.son to get through these 5 months. I hear u about the value of his time to recover and taking a gap year. Less pressure!

Here have been doing my own recovery, had a few difficult things recently but the shakiness is gong.
It's very dark and depressing weather here, it's a lot. The winter is hitting after a tough year. Little treats and self-care so valued. I need to buy some leggings to do a two layer thing! I love the flare pants around now too, so looking for a cosy pair as well 🙂 Back to the 90s emotionally and sartorially.

I fully understand re triggers coming up diving back into moving etc...it's a different life with these triggers and can be very intense.

sending love and hugs

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy

I'm glad to hear your shakiness has subsided alot. Mine has too (almost gone) after doing some heavy weeding in the garden this morning lol. I think the grounding helped?
My green bin's going to be full, that was my aim lol.

Yes definitely p.son desperately needs a long time off the incredible pressures he's been under, one thing that's gone now is the direct abuse which very I'm grateful for, of course.
Now he still has the weird struggles of finding his way round a new part of town, with no license or transport.
The next 5 months will be a super challenging time for all of us, especially p.son.

I have 3 weeks to "deal" with the awful triggers I had but I got to speak with BF today and worked through some.
The amazing thing we both realised was that when I've been with BF in FAR worse weather ie snowing and near blizzards, I felt completely fine, safe and ok.
It's the feeling SAFE thing I need to grow inside me.

Since the Courts thing I've had anxiety around driving at night... I can do it around HERE now. So I thought all that had passed.
Then it came back full throttle driving down there at night, bad weather, storms, fog, high winds - horrible. PLUS night time.
I was fine driving home at night, just rain, not the rest thank God. lol.

I have some work to do lol.
I have Counselling this week, I need to bring it up.

I'm making a wonderful Winter soup today. That's grounding too.
Yes it's been the coldest of Winters in my memory. Also the records show too also.

It was much warmer down at p.son's lol. Strangely.

How are you doing today?

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

yes the weather is super horrible at the moment, it's so so cold and dark so often. i guess there are nice parts about winter and used to always love the rugged up fashion, winter boots and all that, but without much money or energy that hasn't really been much lately. I do have my one pair of beat-up boots that make me happy.

How are u doing? So nice to read u had a good garden and also that soup sounds so healing. Making something from beginning to end is a beautiful act of love. I loved reading about your buttery mushrooms, something I cook a lot too 🙂

Today was a bit gross, a lot of painful stuff here but i'm trying. I'm a little worried financially with everything and have some paralysis emotionally with what to do about it. Tossing up sometimes how much to be in contact with my other family members, but have decided with one member to remain strictly nc.

It can be hard.

Hope u guys enjoyed the lovely soup and had a beautiful day

[Guest9337]

G'day ecomama, Croix, Mara and everyone else.

Thank you all so much for posting in this thread. I wanted to respond immediately after ecomama's original post, but pushed that aside and read on. At page three upon reading about the high speed chase and police finding perps in a garden...

Well that's where I had to stop and breathe, because I went beyond fascinated, I went from feeling like I was watching people fall in love right in front of me, to the panicky shakes and thought yep I better stop reading right now and come back to reading this thread another time. Trigger noticed, response initiated.

So sincerely thank you all.

Now about these organised protests mentioned. I'm up for that.

ok I feel a bit better now, but still not going back to page 3 tonight.

Like idk. I'm stunned. Have I found potential allies? Like 59 pages of bb allies!

People who are already making a difference about what I value. Like, boom. Connection about connecting.

Modelling beautiful purposeful relationship building, yeh something like that is one phrase that describes what I read in those 3 pages... and more eloquent than that description too!

I don't want to fawn too much, so I'll just say night night, sleep well cu tomorrow.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I have some different meds now, haven't started them yet. Recovering a bit from the last adventure, that rather took it out of me.

Yeah, as much as I'm not huge on quotes, in context with the article, I definitely agree with Brene. I can say that the scrambling to manage work and household stuff has really made a mess for me health-wise, creative time just went out the window for the last decade or more. It's a tangled web, as that's come about in response to PTSD with the ex and my tendency to freak out at mess since things got so bad with him that it took about a year to sort out the mouse problem in the house after he left. I'm working on the balance and trying to let some jobs go for the sake of my health (and the web tangles, because organising and prioritising are all screwy with ADHD to play with). Oh boy! Let's just say I can identify with Alexa's struggles. Though you mentioned water quality in her area being linked with her illness, what's the situation with that?

I can see the uses for creativity with money! Gardening, too. I'm glad those things count for you. For me, not so much, I need more.

Wait, grandson forced to go to school suffering from delirium and bouts of unconsciousness... What? Has anyone in your area heard of duty of care, or criminal negligence? You have so much legal recourse here.

I guess two boxes of stuff are quick to move. Glad the landlord is a decent sort and tries to be supportive of his tenants.

Yeah, I can imagine him feeling very vindicated. How she dared even try speaking to him after everything is beyond me. You'll have been over to get him set up in the new place by now, how did that go? Glad to hear he's now planning a gap year before uni. Much needed!

Glad you're having some success challenging the "Demon wouldn't like X" thoughts, I've had my own journey with that sort of thing. It's improved somewhat. I like the redirection of thought to new skills you have gained.

Sorry to see you've been hit with a bunch of triggers recently. I don't know the details, but here to listen or just sit with you through that.

Back to work for you today, I think, hope it's not too stressful. Or maybe it's giving you a break from home stresses?

Kind thoughts to you and obligatory song from Puffballs.

Blue.

PS Hi Sleepy, J*, Emo, Croix, Tayla and anyone I missed. Welcome David'n'Goliath.

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy, thankyou for your sharing xxxx.

We are almost HALF way through Winter!!! So you're doing really well!
This Winter has been our coldest on record here, so it could easily have been the same or similar where you are.
I remember from a trip to Vic once buying a t-shirt saying "Melbourne Lovely Weather for Ducks" and it was!

Winter can feel like such a desolate time anyway, so dealing with struggles AND family issues makes it alot to deal with.
When things have been at this level for me in the past, I would sit and mend our clothing, maybe knitting something warm I knew I had to knit many copies of for the kids, trying to align with the spirit of my foremothers, knowing for sure that they knew this feeling.
It comforted me somehow.

Warm, comforting food is the best in these times.
PLEASE DO try that mushroom dish!
It's so freaking easy and gourmet level delicious lol. It goes splendiforously on top of a poached egg for breakfast and equally as delicious with a dinner. It's not my recipe lol! The Cafe I ate it in the first time actually told me the recipe, so wow.

One thing we know for sure is that the only constant is change.
Winter time in the garden is when alot of UNDER ground work is happening and busy.
The root systems of trees and all plants can become STRONGER, just as the work you're doing right now is all helping to make YOU stronger.

I know this is happening for you.

I often think about meeting you on the quantum plane and rejoicing in our healing!
Dr Joe has awesome meditations for free on YouTube to listen to any time in the day.
Morning ones to begin our day.
Night time ones to help sleep.

Possibly without BF, I may have found Dr Joe's accent a little off putting, but he has the exact same accent as BF so it's warm and comforting now!

BF told his daughter, sister-in-law, brother and father today that we're engaged and they were all very happy for us. His d was panicky that she can't bring her son out of the U.S. due to not being able to get a Passport for her son. Alexa is in the same boat with her children.
BF told his d that we plan to have a Wedding in both countries.
We have around 12 YEARS until all the grandchildren can possibly meet each other in person.
Talk about a LONG time, heavens.... there it is.

Thinking of you lots,
Love always EMxxxx