new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy!

Yummm a free meal, sounds great!
When things are "open" here, there are quite a few places one can get awesome free food. There's a Women's Health Centre nearby that has washing machines and driers for ANYONE who needs to use them. One day a week they put on a 3 course meal for lunch.
I'm in complete admiration for anyone involved in these types of supports.

The Seventh Day Church (my Church) has an INCREDIBLE Food Pantry once a week, for FREE or a $5 lot or the $10 lot means you can add meat and dairy.
Basically around 10-15 bags of very healthy food for almost nothing.
That's what fed our family for years during the Dark Ages lol the Courts eras.

Another Church helped too with food, now THEY were the ones that had lots of sweet treats, so I had to go there for the kids lol.

OMG those pies were delicious!
I put the roasted smooshy pumpkin we had leftover and the baked zucchini in them too.
Plus the way I cook mushrooms almost all the time is copied from a Cafe I once went to up North and they gave me the recipe.
Sliced mushrooms, fried in butter with fresh oregano leaves thrown in towards the end.
It tastes NOTHING like you expect.
I added those to the pies I had leftover too.

P.son left to go South again this afternoon by train. I hate him leaving. He has to work tomorrow morning. So he's spending his FIRST night in the new place tonight. He basically has NOTHING there. I had already given him a hot water bottle a while back, he took a sleeping bag to sleep in tonight and ONE of his new pillowcases. Plus stacks of snacks I'd bought him. He couldn't fit anything more in his bag.
He'll be back tomorrow night thank goodness.

Then we travel down for 1 night some time this week to set him up. P.son will come back with us to stay till his next work shift then he wants to stay there. I don't want him to, he'll be SO lonely, but he said he needs to get used to it. I think he has 5 months to get used to it.

THANKYOU for those dermatologist's names.
I'll look them up :-))

How are you doing?

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear J*, I'm so sorry things are the way they are in your marriage. I really feel for you deep in my heart.

It seems to me almost cruel in a way, the way they treat their partner.
It truly makes no sense to me.
The weird thing is that is it's the only way they know how to be.
I'm really sorry.

There are tons of sites on how to be in a relationship with a Narc.
The majority of them, though, are how to separate and maintain No Contact.

Having p.son at home brought us all a deep sense of "normal".
Yvette stopped having nightmares.
She didn't need to crawl into my bed any night he was home.
All of us were very content.

He's amazing.
My whole heart aches when I put him on the train.
It takes a long while to bring myself back to a manageable place after he leaves.
It would be completely different if I knew he was safe.
I'd be much more content if I knew he was happy!

EVERYONE misses him!
Even the dog and the cat fight for pole position on his bed when he's at home lol. They never slept with him at night when he lived here lol.
He'll be back tomorrow night and we CAN'T WAIT lol!

Sadly, one of my older chickens is on a downward spiral, darling girl. She's injured her foot somehow. I'm taking care of her.

A funny Brush Turkey story is our Papa Brush Turkey is making a MASSIVE nest in our back yard.
Every day I put a huge bucket of camellia flowers or leaves high up for him to scratch down to his nest. He's cleared almost every part of our huge garden lol!

Yesterday I did some garden work (less than I would I promise!hahaha). The crepe myrtle leaves fall on my side and my neighbour's of the fence. The elderly one's who's home is up for Auction in a week or so.
LEAVES everywhere!
I noticed today that their leaves were all gone. I thought a kind person had raked them but NO, it was Papa BT! He'd dragged them ALL down to the fence near his nest and kicked them thru the missing palings! Hahaha clever boy.

I whipper snipped and leaf blew all up the front and WOW it looks AMAZING!
Still more to do but WOW. I LOVE MY NEW LEAF BLOWER lol - watch out bf!

How are you doing today?

OH I ALMOST forgot! One son was promoted yesterday! Happy days.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM, J, Blues, Croix and all reading and commenting - wlcome x

I remember Em when you bought that leaf blower nad i loved reading the pleasure you took in a new gadget.... it's so good having a new device!!
i also loved your idea of the two hot water bottles, i've got one but considering another for that reason. They really do help me (love the pllowcase cover idea too - fab! I have a perfect old pillowcase for it, but I like the heat directly on my skin....)

The feed that I got was lovely and a surprise, I just took a wrong turn and saw ppl giving out food etc, I thought it as actually selling, but as I came up they revealed they are donating for the communty and visitors. It was so nice. There is a religious group here that also does that but it's more packaged food, and I feel bad because I can't use half of it, I have fussy things and they just give you a pack so you can't really be fussy and reject it. I don't eat meat a lot and am fussy.

I guess for me a community garden might be even better 🙂

That must leave a void without p.son around, and it's so powerful what you describe re the ripple effects of having him around. Ur daughter sleeping better, and the animals even following suit... like everything is right. I know it's hard and scary sending him into the unknown after all the trauma and pain he has gone through. At his age romatnic relationships are so powerful, I also at that age rearragned my whole life and even STUDIED A DEGREE to be near my love interest which I can't believe I really did.
Love make us mad lol

Bf better watch out now u have a new leaf blower lol

Hope the garden is looking lovely and major congrats to ur son for hs promotion. Lovely neews for u guy!!! hope for more good news for all the kids and g.kids and ur chook.
Am seriously considering getting a pet, a cat, at some point soon.

[ecomama]

Awww Sleepy! Pets are THE BEST!

Omg TODAY I saw a YouTube clip on a lady who rescues and then fosters feral cats and tries to get them to a stage where they are family ready! I almost cried tbh, it was BEAUTIFUL! I actually thought of you, the little kitten was so darned cute and fluffy! It was hissing and hated everything. Then over time, this lady knew what she was doing and within a month the dear little thing jumped on to her bed for cuddle and was purring loudly!! OMG!

This dear little thing had been through SO darned much that it was behaving as tho it had PTSD!
Preferred to be in a cage with it's eyes wide open, trusting NO ONE.

I've always related to animals that have been neglected, harmed and abandoned, that's why we only ever get rescues.
Our cat was so crazy when we got him, he scratched marks in all our ceilings!! Woah!
I carried him around in a baby sling and he was so young, he fitted in one hand.
Now he has the Protector in him and surveys the property for those who shall not enter lol, and sleeps on my bed every night.
Poodle was so anxious when we got him, we call him Koala baby because he preferred to be carried on our hip ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT lol.
Now he's a Prince, still a baby tho lol.

PLEASE get a pet!

OH I wanted to tell you that even if you DO get a Food Hamper that you can't eat some of the food from, I donate the unwanted food in to a trolley at Coles for a Local Shelter! (I also never purchase tinned goods for donation, I buy CHOCOLATE! I saw an interview with a homeless person and that's what they said they never get. Everyone needs some chocolate in their lives :-))

P.son is home again, yay!
He has an Attic room with no windows ugh.
THANK GOD he'll be home by early November, the heat in that room will be unbearable.
B the Landlord tried to keep him company last night bec son had NOTHING in the room lol.
He said the bed was super comfortable but he couldn't sleep after a phone call from exGF.

Omg Sleepy, you will NEVER guess what's happened next with p.son's exGF!!

I'm going to run out of words so will do an Update about it.... talk about Karma, wow.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: things coming back to bite...

We're all driving our own karma I saw written once lol. Can't see it sometimes but WOW when we can for someone who's done alot of harm.

SO prodigal son's exGF phoned him in alarm last night VERY late.... well wouldn't you know it my prediction was 100% correct.

I told p.son and GF last year, why move down there to a VERY unstable family home when THIS one is STABLE.
Yep, they move like no one's business with ZERO regard for the children.
GF had told me they'd moved more than 14 times in 14 years!
MORE THAN that, omg the poor children.
No chance of establishing long lasting friendships.
None of them have been able to do well in school! NO freaking wonder though.

SO that family told exGF only LAST NIGHT that they're packing up house and moving back to HERE!!! GRRRRR omg I'm so angry with them.
exGF was already struggling in school trying to do her HSC. Year 12 this year grrrr. They just couldn't wait 6 months for her even.

I cared for her SO MUCH. We could've set up a room here even if they DID break up.
Everything could've remained stable for my SON. Grrrr.

exGF is a mess. She's had to beg to move in with another student's family.
Son said she was saying ALL THE THINGS he felt about being shafted out.
And SHE was at the root of all that abuse.

Karma with a capital K.
P.son said at least he knows how to live in some one else's home a long way from family.

Anyhow I offered to put my ATM card number on p.son's Uber account.
If mama can't be there in person to drive him, then this is the only thing I can do.
He was SO rapt!
Yeah I know it'll be expensive BUT I can't stand the idea of him catching public transport down there late at night after work. I don't feel like it's safe for him. So this relieves my anxiety a tad by doing this.

He said when he got into the room last night, he realised how little stuff he has down there.
He prefers to have the minimum BUT he doesn't have things he needs to make life comfortable, at all.

So lots yet to be done for him. Darling boy.

Yeah Sleepy, LOVE makes us do crazy things some times lol.

BF better watch out, my leaf blower is THE BEST!
Makes a few minutes work out of hours work previously. I LOVE THAT THING lol.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em wow so much turmoil with the gfs family, and did you say they have a lot of kids as well? And they move them every year?! and the girl is trying to finish her HSC...poor p.son without his furniture set up but i'm sure you'll get him okay there.... an attic room - is it private? i would like that part of it, privacy... ahhhh... nice that the landlord is nice at least but i'm sure u just him to be as safe and to see him as happy as possible, love the uber idea. Those little things make all the difference, and gives a sense of security....

i guess u may see the ex gf around again and that family if they move back 😞 small areas it seems to happen. Today I saw someone from my past in the supermarket which was bound to happen, but hadn't....

No one recognises me as i look a lot different, maybe older, it's been a logn time since i've been out and about... social anxiety etc and ptsd symptoms and all this heavy stuff in my life, and in winter and trying to move... a lot on my shoulders!!! i did see a place i liked but it got snapped up, so back to the drawing board. Theres a lot out there now 🙂

Wow are all ur pets rescues? You are amazing giving them a new lease on life. Such a nurturing magic. I love to read about that. I hope I'll get a little cat that I can also connect to!!!

much love xo

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy! Aww that's disappointing that place got snapped up, darn it. Hopefully a MUCH better place turns up very soon.
Here - there's NO where to rent. All my ACs friends are moving back home after being in rentals for years. It's just too expensive now. WAY too expensive.

Even where p.son lives too. He took the cheapest possible room and it's $130 basic rent per week just for the room (no heating or cooling) and then minimum $10 extra for elec and $5 for wifi.
The others were up to and over 200 per week (Yep just for a ROOM) and then shared expenses.

Yes WOW about ex GFS family omg.
They're moving back here TOMORROW and they only told her a few days ago.
Disgusting treatment of their own daughter. Now she has ZERO support and that's the main reason she MOVED down there... grrrr.

Better go, will come back later....

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Sorry Sleepy, had a little family thing to deal with as per.... got the Char Siu pork in the oven and had to carry on with some other bits & pieces cooking a prepping.

I'm really happy to hear there are lots of rentals opening up there for you.
Maybe everyone's moving here lol. Gosh it's crazy like out of this world atm. Just like CITY traffic etc.

Anyway how did you feel seeing that person from your past?
Did you go okay in the moment?

Alexa was saying tonight that there's some evidence that trauma stores in fat cells.... hmmm. Makes sense to me.
I know the times in my life when I wanted to keep people away from me, either consiously or subconsciously, I put on a lot of weight.
Apparently it's a "boundary" thing.

So instead of expressing our boundaries with our words, our bodies figure to do it for us.
Does that make any sense?

In the PAST whenever I was super stressed, I'd eat.
In the POST Trauma times now, whenever I'm stressed I eat less.
Strange but true for me.

Everyone recognises me (shame about that most of the time lol) even a gf from early primary school, I hadn't seen for over 40y recognised me on FB with an entirely different first AND second name. Go figure.

YES OFCOURSE we only have rescues lol. My grandparents did this. Then my mother, now my brother and I. We end up with a menagerie when it gets going.
I refuse to take in rabbits or aquatic animals though. I'm just not a good rabbit owner or the rest.
I've tried alot but it doesn't work.

We also breed frogs lol... well they do this happily themselves in our garden :-))

Kittens are so adorable Sleepy!
I love them to pieces.

Now we have a full house with the personalities of our cat and dogs.
Plus as my chickens age, it gets totally hands on with their care.
With a FT job, it wouldn't be fair to take on any more than we have, it's too much for me already!
I'm a fuss pot tho, my ACs call my house "Nanny's 5 Star Pet Retreat" lol... luxury food, luxury beds (OURS!) and lots of cuddles and love.

Oh yes LOTS of kids at ex GFs.
P.son has struggled to cope with the "quiet" and calm of our house at times now.
Every time we phoned we could hear little kids screaming and crying, it was ballistic.
He's sleeping WELL!

Yes an attic. No windows or natural light ugh. I see it this week. Hope I can get enough things together for him to feel comfortable enough. It's hard.

How are you doing dearest girl?

Love EM

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

I'm sorry I've taken so long to reply. I've been in a very bad way as things in my life have put me in a very dark dangerous place. I'm trying to find the strength to keep going but I'm questioning my reasons for living.

Tomorrow it will be one year since my fathers sudden death. It may have been a year but this anniversary has brought back all of the pain and sadness that I felt at the time of his death.

My health has also taken a turn for the worse as I've been diagnosed with suspected brain tumours. I need to get a few scans for the specialists to get a better idea of the severity of them but it would mean going back to the hospital where my dad passed away and I just can't do it. I can't walk through those doors again.

The pain hurts me so much. How do you get over this loss while you are in danger at home?

I'm sorry, this post shouldn't be about me. I apologise for sharing too much with you but its just been building up inside of me and I feel like you are the kind of person who would be OK with me sharing this. I,many a time wish you were in my life as a mother figure especially since my mother has turned violent and is now assisting my husband with my torment.

Your children are so lucky to have you in their lives. The way you encourage them to follow their own path all while being fiercely protective of them and making sure they are safe and loved. You are an incredible example of what a mother should be like.

I will sadly never be a mother due to an injury by my husband but I hope to one day be able to help others reach their true potential and to thrive in their lives, not hide away and cower in a corner due to fear. I hope things continue to improve for you and your family.

I've been following your posts and I will continue to do so as it gives me hope in my life. My prayers are with you.

Regards,

Emo.

[ecomama]

Dearest Emo, I will never for the life of me understand such evil cruelty as you're suffering.

SOME thing has to change in your situation, no matter what it is, it has to be SOME thing.
Clearly that change has to be made by you... although sometimes the change is taken out of our hands.

Any diagnosis could be the catalyst for more people coming in to your life to help you.
I sincerely hope this is the case for you.

I read your post before I made dinner tonight.
I pondered your situation and what I would do, in as much of your situation I know of, and I don't know it all of course.

There are a myriad of possibilities if you leave.
Everything will only get worse if you stay.

It was a toss up between seeking refuge in walled cloisters, I saw a program about once, and joining a hippie commune. Yep serious on both.

Emo you never have to apologise for sharing on my thread!
Never.
I also wish I could take you under my wing and keep you safe.

Thankyou for your Prayers.
My Prayers for you are that you find safety in sanctuary and have the space to heal.

Many Blessings
Love EMxxxx