new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear david'n'goliath! Welcome!!! Lol LOVE that name btw hahaha. You betcha, David and Goliath!

I daresay you haven't found POTENTIAL allies, you've found your BB FAMILY.
And you're so very welcome always.

Heavens! You began reading at the BEGINNING of this thread mg! More power to you!
I've done that a few times with people I was fascinated with and wanted to get to know better.
So THANK YOU, we'll all take that as a huge compliment hahaha!

You'll see our lives splashed out on the screen.
I'm deeply and sincerely grateful for everyone who've bravely shared their stories and offered their support on our journeys.

You are more than welcome to share anything you want to here also, so please do.

I apologise for the Triggers, sorry but there are TONS of potential triggers in my thread.
The first 3 pages were probably only the beginning of me growing some trust in the forum and the reactions of the members.
Fast forward a bit and I ended up being formally diagnosed with Complex PTSD last year and a questionable Depressive mood disorder (VERY questionable) which has been written off more or less.

I guess you may see a lot of healing and many of the ways I put my own jigsaw together of how I did this BUT there is maintenance involved! I'm telling you now, a LOT of checking my emotions, regulating them, checking my boundaries (a BIGGIE there) and managing the stuff that goes on around me too.

Anyway, lots to deal with.

LOVE that you're here, thankyou so much for joining us!
Talk soon,
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dearest Blue, "the obligatory song from Puffballs" hahaha! Cute song little darlings!
Gosh I've tried to post responses to posts here for almost 2 hours tonight and it's been a case of "dog in cat out, cat in, dog wanting to eat cat" on repeat!
The poodle grunting next to me on the balcony as I'm reading my thread, wanting a treat!
Lordy be, dog in for treat, make more tea....

Blues, thankyou for your ever eloquent and precise manner of replies!
I'm so NOT like that and I have to apologise. Sometimes for days between posting back to you I think "Oh gosh Blues asked me this or that and I forgot to reply to that!" arghhhh. Sorry.

I'll try to do better, but you know me by now... trying doesn't always mean succeeding lol!

The meds fiasco - yay just another thing to manage!

Water quality - well Alexa's notion of that was AFTER their school was closed due to poor water quality. She has a complete mistrust of authority at the BEST of times. That was whilst grandson was ill.
Regulations of the school have put fear in to Alexa and Shep in the suspicions arising from students being absent from school. If a student has 2 days off then they need a Drs Cert on return. We can't get IN to see Drs here atm (MASSIVE population explosion here) and Drs do NOT backdate a Cert.
Issues...

Yes I made the trip to move HEAPS of stuff from here we had for p.son, some gathered, some newly purchased for him. Just the 2 of us went down there. Horrid weather, that drive is triggering regardless, the night AND bad weather made things worse.
Anyhow we moved the stuff in, rearranged the attic room & set it up the way p.son wanted.
We had to buy LOTS of food (I transferred points to food dollars lol) and set that up too.

Whaddayaknow THEN the Lock Down was extended, OF COURSE lol.
Yvette is rapt there's no face to face school, so is Alexa hahaha.
We don't know where p.son stands in needing to attend school or not, his is a private school, so has longer hols.
Being in Year 12 is the thing, they will probably have to attend - who knows!

Yes! Back to work for me today, but Lock Down, so I had to do what I needed to do & leave asap.
VERY different procedures to last year's "Shut Down" which I think comparatively is the difference.
SO MUCH tighter.

SO I'm "working from home" now all but on Thursday this week.
It's rumoured to last 4 more weeks, so there it is!

P.son can still travel down for work but is LOVING being here & mama cooking his faves lol.

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

Thanks for welcoming me ecomama.

[ecomama]

Well THAT was fun!
I forgot my borrowed laptop from work is a TOUCH screen and I crossed out of my last post before posting, yay.

You're most welcome D&G, any time.

Update: working and schooling from home in lock down.

Today took about a month to pass lol. It's only the FIRST day of learning and working from home ugh.

We were told yesterday that it will most likely be extended for another month.

The kids and I are pretty happy about it tbh. It's good timing for each of us personally.

I spent an hour before "work" scrubbing the porch and paths, just so the chickens can "decorate" them all over again lol.

Besides my work goals, I've decided we need to eat our way through the freezers. This will help me get back on track financially, somewhat.
We also have FAR too many eggs atm.
No one's told the chooks they can off the lay in Winter hahaha.

So maybe a Middle Eastern fave of mine, Orange and Almond cake is coming up.
I think some recipes take 12 eggs!
I have oranges on my tree, almond flour in the freezer and the eggs straight from our girls.
Banana bread too.
Along with a few baked custards, a few rounds of French toast and pancakes lol, that should use lots of eggs up.

I find incredible delight in using the food and ANY resources around us to make nutritious meals.

Oh, not sure if I said that p.son's Landlord B is a crazy gardener like me?
Anyway he gave me a HUGE pot of Freesias that are yet to flower and I'M OVER THE MOON about that!
They are my absolute favourite fragrance after Gardenias.

The rest of the working from home should go okay as long as I get a schedule in my mind about the day ahead.

Have fun everyone!
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

They are super cute. Sir Pecks sings so loud and proud. Mr Feisty is shy and sings very softly, we hear just a hint of his beautiful voice, and see his little tail twitching just a little. 🙂

Oh boy, that sounds chaotic. That said, you can guess from the dog and cat madness what it's like for me with the ADHD, it's like that in my head even before I have birds zooming everywhere, the washing machine singing its "I'm done" song, phone reminders going off and LM squeaking for attention... Aaargh!

No need to apologise, my replies are based on my very good understanding of my forgetfulness - I pull up what you've said to me in anther tab and refer back to it paragraph by paragraph. If I tried to wing it, you'd probably just get a random ramble about cheese, haha.

Yeah, the meds. I'm giving myself a break before trying the new one I got, the last try was rather harrowing and I could use some space to recover from it.

Ah, okay, so water quality wasn't related to things at home? Did she get her water tested? I know all about mistrust of authority and also about the nuisance of doctor's certificates. If I have to take a sick day from work, I always ask for two these days, the day of messing about to satisfy employers' distrust is not exactly restful and makes one more ill, not less. I'm guessing a locum isn't an option? Your grandson in theory should have been able to have treatment and a certificate via a house call in the condition he's been in.

I guess the circumstances of the trip wouldn't have helped with the triggering, worrying about your son's well-being. Sounds like a lot of factors at play to work through. I'm willing to guess you know it was worth it, though, for the good you are doing for him. I guess a few conversations with your counsellor ahead on that topic, and BF. If anyone can find the silver lining in this experience, it's you.

I can see there being some benefits to extended lockdown. Do you know yet what it will mean for prodigal son? LM's uni did everything online for a time, last year, it worked okay.

How is working from home going? Are you doing okay with work/personal boundaries. That can be really tricky.

I hear you about "eating your way through the freezer", been doing a bit of that myself, lately. Not much cash to spare since I dropped that one shift a month. Worth it, though. Glad you're getting a kick out of making stuff from the resources you have. I'm sure prodigal son will be getting some nice treats out of it. 🙂

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, LOVE Puffballs' singing! hahaha, too cute. Oh gosh I'm pretty sure I have some type of ADD thing, my mind went off into stories about my birds and the albino blue tongued lizard in our garden... yeah.
These minds of ours take a LOT of work!!

Then what you wrote about the dings and noises and beeps and ARGH, I hate that too. Alexa actually brought up some type of "thing" with some ppl to me ages ago - those sensitive to those noises, matched with a few other things going on with me - can't remember. Later I put it down to the PTSD stuff, IDK.
I'm less sensitive to those things now BUT have "less" of them than back then also, IDK. If I remember then I'll ask her!

IDK much hahaha. I know sleep when I can get it is something I do more often now. I'm also concerned about the meds you've been on, that's a shame that they knocked you about! I'd take a break too before trying the next ones. Do you have to begin on low dosages and build up etc?
I can't do AD meds no matter what. Talking with psych friends over time this probably means I don't have a clinical depression, just a sadness at times from an overwhelm.

You are SPOT ON about the triggers from the trip! GO YOU! hahaha. My Counsellor said exactly that ie those deep concerns over p.son's safety triggered waves of unpleasant memories she asked me about - there were so many from trips down to those areas from early childhood into adulthood.
Doing my own exposure therapy on Monday, after I stopped shaking so much, helped.
They ALL led back to my mother (even my father grrr) and ofcourse demon! The evil star of the show lol!

Omg I have to tell you more about demon, maybe in an Update.

Tbh we are utterly relieved we're home schooling from home atm. It's PERFECT for p.son to be here! He's BLOOMING now - he loves being around his siblings. Yvette hates school to BITS but is a studious child in the home environment (it's a "safety" thing). They are all still going to work shifts.
My FEET are enjoying driving less!
I'm doing ok working from home, back to work tomorrow for one day. We got our schedule yesterday - every 2nd day from next week, only have 2 week's confirmed atm. Rumours of Lock Down lasting till Sept... hmm.

P.son has to attend school for HSC Trials in Aug.

Poodle is LOVING have us home lol! It's been raining so no "walkies" and he's edgy.

Take care Blue. Hope those new meds are a perfect fit for you!

Love always
EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Em, and Blue (thx for the Hey) and Sleepy, and hey D&G- wow very well done, reading from the beginning! Kudos man!

Anyway Em just wanted to say that freesias are totally one of my fave flowers, and absolutely for their fragrance, as well as childhood memories of hillsides covered in those glorious creamy bells....

Am loving catching up with all your news Em- still got heaps to go. Bummer about the situation in your city- hoping it clears up soon. This virus is making for some real conversations tho! Interesting discussion on Q&A tonite....

Thoughts are with you too Sleepy- lockdown no. 5!! I hope it won’t last long this time.
big love to you all,

J*

[Guest9337]

Mara56 said:

Hi Em,

You are so right about PTSD only being linked previously to soldiers etc. When I started doing research on it years ago, I think it was in the mid-late 80's that psychologists started identifying PTSD is SA survivors. But even then, a lot of professionals didn't recognise it. My experience is the perfect example of that.

I'm going to run out of characters so I'll continue in another post.

Mara

Good Morning Mara56.

I love reading your posts and I'd like to offer comment about your above comments about PTSD.

I am unaware of when trauma informed care was invented as a response to PTSD, but note that PTSD first appeared in the 1980 version of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Third Edition. PTSD History and Overview - PTSD: National Center for PTSD (va.gov) by Matthew J. Friedman, MD, PhD.

I too have yet to be diagnosed with ptsd by any of a psychiatrist or a psychologist or a gp, despite many thousands of verbal abuses by family, repeated physical abuse by family, and multiple r_p_s.

I too am somewhat gobsmacked! I sure can take the hits!

Cyberhugs for us all.

[Guest9337]

Thanks for the Kudos Jstar49, but I can only accept 3/59th's of Kudos for I have only so far finished page 3.

A page a day will keep the doctor away.

[ecomama]

Hi J*! Gosh long time good friend. How are you doing all in all?
I just popped on to check my thread before finishing a Course for work.
Hopefully I can get to other ppls threads over the weekend.

An AMAZING thing happened today re: my work.... I keep saying I'll put stuff in an update but gosh things change so fast here, it's difficult to keep up lol.

We're doing well I think. In spite of the increased police presence freaking some ppl out, it actually COMFORTS ME! Hahaha. Funny that.

FREESIAS are the sweetest flowers, I LOVE them to bits!
But I've never been able to grow them successfully AT ALL.
Apparently B said I cared for them too much lol. He neglects his and they spread each year, lucky him!
I daren't even take them out of the pot he gave me! I'm so scared I'll kill them lol.
His were in a sunny spot, kind of.
I think I've found a spot for them in the back yard closest to the house and top storey balcony where we can enjoy them from above IF they survive!
I might check in with the Brains Trust in the Gardening thread before I make any life altering changes hahaha.
THEIR life not mine!

Thankyou for your well wishes for us in Lock Down. It's intensified now with greater restrictions.
We got a Covid test yesterday for p.son to travel back down South today by train.
Only a 10 car queue, not bad at all.
He's taking a mama funded Uber from the station to his digs, paying the Landlord, getting stacks of School Texts and doing the same back home in reverse to get back here at some time tonight.

P.son is RAPT he can continue to live here during the Lock Down, RAPT!
He's put on some weight back but still nowhere near the weight he was when he left.
We just love having him home, was I a bit grey about that? Hahaha.
Yvette is sleeping through in HER own bed. Zero nightmares reported by her since he came home.

He has to go back early August regardless, just to do his Trial HSC exams. Ugh.

Better respond to D&G and get on with my Course.

Love to you
EMxxxx