new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Croix

That all makes so much sense. You nailed it.

I'm so sorry for your loss Croix.
My BF lost his first wife after a long illness and it was tragic also.

Having physical contact with BF would make the world of difference.

As you said, even knowing WHEN we could see each other again would instil hope and some excitement too.

Well there's neither atm.

Sadly, BF cannot move here until a certain time, which is also not known. No one can know this time.

I'm not moving there any time soon, possibly never, but not even sporadically for a long time yet. The kids are too young. I would live there part time.

We know what we want.
We just can't have it right now and maybe not for a long time.

I'd be fine to wait.
Just NOT to have to speak with BF every day and for hours on my days off.

My "lime" is being really engaged in my life right now. With the kids, my work, my garden, anything and everything here.
In the past week, not talking, I'm even enjoying the FREEDOM to do noisy jobs! Vacuuming, using power tools etc, activities I can't do on the phone.

If I felt that reducing contact with BF would end our relationship then I'd think very seriously about it.
I don't want to be with anyone else, it would make me sick. I miss so many things about him, I'm reminded of the myriad of things about him that bring me joy every day.
Just not endless hours on the phone.

I know I need to speak with him about it.

Thankyou for your wise input. It means alot to me, thankyou.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It was a nice time out from the drudgery. We had a D&D day soon after that, as well, which was good. It's been constant medical BS since.

Finger is still a horrible mess. They put a new kind of dressing on it the other day, at least I can get it wet, now. It's a whole lot easier having a shower with the new dressing.

Ah, okay. I guess I can understand the desire to power through training, though frankly I wouldn't do it in my own time. Sounds like he's happy with the result though.

Yeah, glad you found a good roof guy. I wouldn't have bothered texting any of the "no shows" or "maybe next week" types. If they bother to communicate, sure - if they don't, not worth your time. As for the charlatans, you don't need to be a single mother, they see a woman full stop, they try to take advantage. I see it all the time.

I can understand your frustration with trying to manage a long distance relationship. As you say, things can be worked out more easily in person. When covid/work made it unsafe for my partner to see me for some months, it was difficult to manage. There's a certain detachment that happens, to manage with the distance, and a sense of independence. I guess I did have an advantage with LM being willing to video call, we'd do that while I was cooking or doing stuff on the computer, so if there was a period of not talking he could see me and it was a comfortable silence, sharing the space rather than calls impeding on my time and making it hard to do things. If BF wants to talk to you every day, he needs to be more flexible with stuff like that so you can just live your life and get things done, not feel tied to a phone and unable to get on with things. It's a two way street, he can't just have the calls when and how he wants them if he wants the relationship to survive, you need room to thrive and feel like you're part of something that's better than being alone. Doubly so if he has plenty of downtime, he has room to accommodate your needs. Just sayin'.

I'm sorry to hear about things with your brother, it's an unfair situation. I know that's just more grief for you on top of what you're already dealing with. I know it doesn't fix that, but you do have people in your life who want to be there. That matters.

Great work with the garden. Time to make new memories in there.

Blue.

PS J*, LM has mentioned labradors. It's a consideration.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thankyou.

Yes a labrador or Border Collie or there's another breed, it's more about what type of dog is available via the rescue sites WHEN the time is right. We would have to see if the dog wants to protect chickens or EAT them! lol.
But not while we still have rescue poodle. We hope to have him for a very long time. So the thought of another dog is way in the future.

And new fences. My neighbours with the falling down fence are almost 100yo Bless them. I'd never put any pressure on them to put up a new fence. We haven't spoken about it but I'm sure the old man knows me well enough to know this.

My relationship with BF is in the too hard basket. I finally texted him again last night, no response. I know for sure he'd be very very hurt about me going silent. It's just too hard.

"My day" today, probably the closest I'm going to get to having a "day to myself" which is only a few hours involves; taking my entire car full of Return and Earn containers to the recycling centre. Maybe 20 garbage bags full of them.
Our easy centre closed don to build a take away joint lol.
This other one is more complicated I think. Opening hours much less than our previous one, so I've been there 3 times already only to see it closed.

THEN I need to get my nails fixed lol. Seems so pathetic with more serious things going on but I go back to work on Monday and they look a sight!

P.son is coming home for almost a week tomorrow! His job is closing for renovations. Yesterday he was scouting for Return and Earn bottles himself. I knew money was worrying him so I sent him more money. I think Centrelink may have put his payments on hold till I put my Tax Return in... I have to make an appt with a new Accountant in 2 weeks now, then finally finish it all off on weekends and week nights after work. Too much pressure there really, LOTS of paperwork ugh.

It's all happening at once as it invariably does!

Roofing guy in about 2.5 weeks... might leave the ceiling guys until next time I take leave. Don't want strangers in my house when I'm not here. Plus I need to save money for that.

Extra demands at work for 6 months. Really need to calm anxiety bubbling.

Yes sad about bro-sil. Eyes open now. That's all it is. Nothing's changed for them. Just that I'm more aware of how things really are.

Hope your finger keeps healing!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: BF & family - exhaustion.

I didn't have any control over our leaking roof & bowing ceilings, flooding, turkey mound blocking drains, late Tax Return. I did my very best to find someone to fix the roof & eventually did. Sure it won't be repaired for 2 weeks but it's booked in.

I didn't realise until today, just how stressed out I was the past month with a waterfall coming out of our ceiling.

Simultaneously, I wouldn't have been able to tackle that and the other massive jobs (turkey mound, blocked drains causing flooding downstairs, Tax Return, internal laundry flood & later the lantana removal) IF I had been on the phone with BF for hours a day.

THIS is why I became so frustrated with him that day.
He was carrying on telling me what to do but I needed to just get OFF the phone and DO IT ALL.

Most of these jobs were very urgent, couldn't be put off, I needed to cut the convo & get to work.
So I did. (I didn't even get the beds swapped over!)

I texted BF late last night.
Then after I got my chores done today, I called him on his personal AND work phone.

No answer.
He hasn't even checked his texts.

IDK I could have blown it altogether...
then I worried because he travels so much, I don't even know where he is atm.
Could be in the huge Alaskan mine for all I know.
Time will tell.

P.son comes home tomorrow, we're keeping the surprise for Alexa and the kids. They're coming over tomorrow for a family meal and to venture in my garden! The others are busy and or working. All good.

P.son will be here for almost a week! Thank goodness we can feed him up again lol.

Uncle accidentally called today lol. He's needed medical stuff so hasn't been available. I just asked him to look after himself.

As per usual, I need to go back to work to have a rest!

Love EM

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em

Lass I don't think you have done anything that might "blow it"... not if he genuinely cares about you... you don't get ratty with him if you can't speak with him because of his work schedule/need to travel etc... there is no reason for him to get ratty with you when you need time to get things done... given his line of work he is probably just out of phone reach.

I'm not surprised you are feeling exhausted lass...(I get tired just reading everything you usually do)... you have had so much more on your plate lately... you have been juggling an emotional rollercoaster dealing with the loses... plus you have had to deal with unexpected disasters... extra things happening at work... all on top of the usual calls on your time, energy & love.

I think getting your nails done is a great idea... a bit of time spent on you...

Sending you gentle bear hugs

Paws

[ecomama]

Thanks Paws, I loved that bear hug! I needed it.

I get dizzy thinking about everything I'm doing too lol. It's crazy!

I kept waking last night checking if BF opened his texts. Finally at 5am he had. He was beautiful as per usual, very understanding. Luckily again I went back to sleep well then. Yes he'd left his personal phone at the Motel & had stopped checking his texts from me.

Also luckily I DID take $55 worth of return & earn containers OUT of my car yesterday. A kind older man helped me know what to do. This made room for today's happening I didn't know would happen. Then I went to get my nails done THANKFULLY, they were falling off & hurting.

*** Trigger Warning*** - family conflict, serious illness, hospitalisation.

Fortunately I did alot of housework last night, whilst learning some Arabic too!
That feeling of "impending doom" with my brother all week began in action today.

Yep all about money. Hell.

I had a really vivid dream last night - it was a WOAH dream.
Alexa did too... WOAH.
Both warnings of impending confrontation.

omg, our dreams were warning us again. I felt this deep "get ready" feeling ALL WEEK long. I was in a big hurry to get things DONE.

This is it... Alexa found out this morning via a text from a nasty Aunty who hates my mother, (omg I just realised a potential diversion to all this horrid stuff looming)... my mother was rushed to the hospital Emergency Dept late yesterday, by Ambulance from her Drs surgery.

Now it starts.

Alexa is on her way here now, bringing the kids & dog to mind. I already phoned the hospital to find out stuff for Alexa.
Alexa has to drive all over today to collect mother's stuff from the GPs office - I wondered why but now realise mother goes about with LOTS of bags.
Then get stuff from a Chemist etc & visit mother.

Brother texted Aunty said he's not doing anything. He said he's sick & won't be doing anything, making Alexa's dream 100% correct but there's more to that dream yet to come.

My own family are here today for a family lunch.

I've decided to visit brother (yes after saying I'm NC) possibly in an attempt to "calm the waters" for the nightmare issues re: mother.
Maybe I'll visit tomorrow. I hope he's calm. No way do I want sil sitting there eaves dropping but she will be.

Alexa's already stressed to the hilt.
I have to keep everyone CALM.

We can get thru this, we have to. No choice but to stick together.

I'm better than I was LAST YEAR when Covid hit. Thank God.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hope the visit goes okay EM

and that u are okay

sounds like a lot happening at once and floods /leakig can be so stressful...

hope the day has some sun and the lantana is growing pretty

gardening seems like a nice pace some days... I don't have an equivelent in my life but love that productive and soothing hobby!

today is a cleaning day here, whatever that means. Cleaning and sorting and trying to stay warm.
Onwards and upwards i guess lol

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

How are you going today? Things are really shaking up huh......A crisis with your mum is bound to be unsettling.

It's totally not my place, and you can totally ignore what I have to say, however....isn't this the sort of situation that going NC is really for? It seems like you might be getting pulled into a whirlwind which isn't of your making...... Please remember to breathe, and remember you have a choice about how you respond to this crisis of your mums. I can hear that you want to be there to support Alexa, and thats one thing, I just hope that you can carve out space and time to give yourself a bit of distance and not get too caught up in your mums drama. Forgive me if I misspeak.

Glad to hear that you got the chance to speak to BF and that there was an explanation for his non contact. Whew! You didn't blow it, it's all good! Isn't that lovely!

You know it's ok if he has some deep and terrible feelings, you know you don't have to fix that for him by modifying things to suit him all the time. It sounds like he's a strong mature guy that is willing to go thru some tough feelings to maintain a relationship with you, a totally amazing woman! And why not! You deserve an amazing guy!

Strapping in for a bumpy ride...

Hugs,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

I know you've had some leaking issues at your place too. So sorry to hear about that. It sucks.

Ours was / is a damaged roof. The water pooled in our ceiling omg and now our ceiling is bowed in a slight bowl shape.

I've got a roofing man booked in now, thank God. He comes back in about 2-3 week's time.

Hey! We're ripping OUT the lantana lol!
It's almost all out now... still coming up in places, like roots growing under the above ground pool etc.

Gardening has been a life saver from me, probably literally tbh. It helped / helps beat depression sweeping back in and taking hold.
It's incredibly soothing.

Housework can keep you REALLY warm! I was sweating down both sides of my forehead last night, scrubbing like a mad woman lol.
Woke up this morning and it was freezing! Then mopped the floors and only have a t-shirt on now, cooling off lol.

Just like chopping firewood, they say it warms us twice!
Once while chopping the wood.
Next by burning the wood and keeping warm.

Love to you.
Hope you can snuggle with the hot water bottle and a warm drink when you rest.

Yes Sleepy.... no matter what ONwards and UPwards. Even with any set backs, we keep our eyes on the prize sweet girl.

Lots of love EM

[ecomama]

Thankyou J*

Yes I understand your POV about NC with my mother. I've held strong for decades.

The NC didn't mean I hated my mother or didn't love her.
I love her very deeply.
I was forced to be NC, it was the only thing I could do to protect us all. And under Police direction.

My dream last night involved breaking it to help care for her in hospital.
This was ALWAYS my plan, IF I had the opportunity. I may not have that chance.

Whatever happens, happens.

When Alexa came over, she could feel my calm infuse her. She drank tea with me & caught her equilibrium.

Tbh the ONLY 2 people that have my mother's best interests at heart is myself and Alexa. No one else cares... well not about her but certainly about her money!

La Familia have already tried to TAKE over, began proceedings JUST as my Family Law matters were coming to a close, Alexa was leaving Shep too, it was worse than a nightmare time.
I fought the family on that. They recoiled.
Protected my mother's best interests.

Which leads me to speaking with my brother tomorrow, if I can.
I'll probably end up listening to him rant... SSDD really.
But I can see UNLESS I get involved at a minimal level, and SET THE TONE of moving forward through this most trying of times for us all, what we have left of our relationships will explode.

SO a "Code of Conduct" RATIONAL approach is necessary.
Dealing with each other with respect and kindness.
Dealing with mother with compassion. Brother has zero compassion for her.

We need to lock OUT La Familia as their motives are VERY clear.
Just build a bubble around mother for her own protection.

I know things will not go well. I know there are going to be alot of heated words. Not from me lol!
It's the dynamic.

The thing is J*, I ALWAYS knew this time would come.
I'm the only biological child of my mother, so I realise that at THIS time, I need to take some responsibility.

The other thing I know for sure, is that this period will end.
Could be very soon, could be a way away.

I'm getting VERY good at detaching lol maybe too good!

It's beautiful about BF. He has faults as I do too... as long as we can cope with each other's faults, we can move forward. It's probably time I set it in my mind that I will be travelling to him after borders open, later.
He wants us all to meet in Hawaii or something, I doubt that can happen.
Quarantine times need to be worked in to the mix.

Yep holding on for the wild ride ahead.

I've got this. I really hope I do!
Love EM