new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: breaking NC in a way.

Alot happened today.
Mother is still extremely ill in hospital, on high doses of strong pain relief when Alexa visited her this afternoon. Apparently she hasn't had a stroke but has numbness in limbs and other symptoms.

We had to organise taking care of mother's pets. Alexa took the rabbit, looks like I'm getting 6 more baby chickens!
I need to help move the rabbit's hutch tomorrow and pick up the chickens and orient them to their new home in our gardens.

Mother doesn't have the capacity to care for pets in any responsible manner.
She's in hospital anyway with no answers atm.

My NC with brother lasted a whole 3 days! Well, needs must.

An aunty who has always hated my mother and vice verse has become involved.
Apparently brother has said this aunty has been his ONLY support with mother.... shut the front door.
I'll be a LOT more compassionate with brother tomorrow but he will know FOR SURE how destructive this aunty has always been.
His relationship with her is none of my business but introducing aunty to mother's care is the exact opposite of what mother wants or will ever need.

Alexa needs help with mother. She felt a whole lot better spending time with me before and after she saw mother. I didn't do much! Minded the kids and the dog. Phoned the hospital. Made dinner. That's about it.

But the situation is presenting itself that I MUST get involved with brother. It's US who will survive beyond our mother. Whether he wants a relationship with us or not, we are going to live on. Sadly we are his only family.

This aunty has her own interests at heart, not my brother's. She's motivated by vindictiveness and hatred... "pay back" as she told another relative.
Cruel stuff.

Anyhow tomorrow will be a time for listening to my brother.
Holding space with him.
This may help settle him, IDK. Alexa thinks it's a waste of time.

Her relationship has broken down completely with my brother, as his has with all of my children.

My view is while there is breath there is hope.
Not hope for a sunshiny relationship with rainbows and fairy floss.
A mutually respectful one, understanding the basic needs of family ie trust.

Let's see!

Prayers are welcome.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: mother, brother & chickens

Mother is still in hospital. Staff said she could go home today but there's been no diagnoses as to why she has numbing in her whole arm and is still unable to move it at all.

Alexa said she shouldn't go home until they can tell her.

I went to mother's house with Alexa yesterday for the 1st time in 2 decades. I had only dropped kids to visit her those 2 decades ago.

The entire property and beyond has been hoarded out. I was prepared. Cars and caravans full of things everywhere. Apparently Council has given up sending mother letters.

We rescued 6 chickens and brought them to my house.
Also rescued the rabbit the day before - Alexa has him.
We had to move structures to do this. Bring the hutch to Alexa's.

I pushed myself into a self-regulated state and visited brother. Sil esp was happy to see me. Bro was nervous I could see but he soon calmed. They asked for advice about dealing with lots of paperwork around sil's medical retirement - this helped set the scene.

We were as relaxed as could be expected, so I spoke to bro esp about "being on the same page" with mother. How important this is moving forward. Asked how he was feeling - a mountain of stuff came out and it was good for him to purge and vent. He said he felt so much better after that.

Went to Alexa's after this. She was in a highly anxious state. She'd barely slept the night before, needed to do cooking for her client for 8h and admitted she needed Counselling again, but time was against her being able to do this.

I just kept saying to each of them that we'll get thru this, we just need to do it TOGETHER.
They both agreed with relief.

There's no way mother can live at her house. She can't even enter the home anymore, it's been vandalised repeatedly. She missed the booked respite care in March. I suggested respite care. I may have to organise this.

So now I have 6 more sweet beautiful chickens! They LOVE being in my garden lol. Loved the sunshine and loved the seed and grass to eat.

Back to work today.
Kids are home.
P.son was crushed that he had to go back down South but he left late yesterday. I spent time with him working through some of his issues. He can some home more often while his workplace is shut for a month. He's counting the days before he can move home!
Said he's moving home the MINUTE he can at the end of HSC exams.

Off to feed the chickens now.

EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I imagine a labrador would be a lot more chill around chickens than a border collie, when that time comes. As things stand, it looks like life has given you a bunch more chickens before a new dog is even a consideration. More responsibility, though I know you've probably already fallen in love with them.

It's not uncommon around here for people to erect a second fence just inside the property borders, I think maybe a way of getting around situations where they can't agree with a neighbour about the fence or the other person can't/won't pay for it. That's probably what I'd do, my fences are rubbish, definitely wouldn't try keeping a dog here without sorting that out.

I can't find it now, but I think somewhere you said you heard from BF. I hope so. I don't see any problems with you guys that you aren't able to fix with a bit of communication. I know it's hard right now, I can hear how frazzled and tired you are. There's a hell of a lot going on right now.

Glad you got your recyclable bottles sorted out. A little extra cash in your pocket helps. Sounds like the new depot is a bit inconvenient, though.

Of course it isn't pathetic to want to get your nails done. When everything is going nuts around you, you have all the more need of little things like that for yourself, to feel human instead of like an automaton made to fix everyone else's crap. It's essential to give yourself things like this during hard times.

I'm sorry to hear money is tight for prodigal son, the last thing he needs is Centrelink withholding payments. I'm glad for him that you are able to help. Really adds to your tax return pressure though, huh? Ugh.

Okay, you can take a breath briefly re the roof, and do other things until then. That's good.

I'm concerned about you taking on more at work right now, are you sure you should be doing that? Feels a little like you're punishing yourself by making things harder than they need to be. Please take care of your precious energy, EM, even yours isn't going to last forever.

I see the whole family dynamic and thoughts re NC have been turned upside-down. I'm sorry even more is going awry, right now. It sounds like you had a good talk with your brother, though, I'm glad you were able to.

Sending some strength to help get you through this latest round of drama. Hang in there, friend.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thankyou for being my friend and for all your considerate thoughts.

Yes, I've absolutely fallen in love with the new baby girls! 6 fluffy cute little bundles lol. How could I not? Everyone else has too. They've been very spoilt already lol. Sandy, Sassy, Sasha and maybe Aubrey, Bridie and Callie.

They're doing a lovely job at lawn mowing already! They fit in. My clean laundry will get a work out again. All good.

Yes I'm tired but a few good night's sleep will help. It's been stressful, so I haven't slept as well as lately.

I'm grateful for breaking NC with my brother and sil. While they spoke to me yesterday, I got a good idea about their POV about the whole mother thing and part of the reasons why we had big rifts between us. I guess that's a fortunate thing I visited yesterday, so I could hear that, validate them and why they'd think that.
Basically things came out better because of that talk - thank goodness. My brother is very precious to me. So is sil in her own way lol. It could have gone the other way but I think he realised he needs Alexa and myself working altogether with him for mother.

My gardener may be able to work down at mother's house, to clear the lantana!! So maybe she can get into the house. My brother and I will have to pay for this work and all else needed.

My Course begins in about 4 weeks. I'm committed so that's the rub!
It runs for about 6 months so that's how it plays.

My first Tax Return should be completed and in by then.
I got the number of my new Accountant, just need to make an appt and complete the paperwork - probably 4 night's work. So that should be behind me by my Course start date.

Luckily I saved all that money in consultation with YOU lol...it's there as a back up.

About 2 weeks till I get the roof done and pay for it.
I've decided to book the Carpenter / Gyprocker in during my next leave (in a few months) if they can do it then. I'd rather be home than have strangers in my home when I'm at work.
It's more cosmetic, it can wait. Gives me time to save again!

What we need to do for mother is HUGE if we took on clearing the hoarded property... getting the garden done is a start?? IDK I'll suggest it to bro. Getting old cars towed etc - well I got the number for that! lol.

I'm gonna have a nap lol.

I'll be back on BB later.

Thankyou
Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey EM

love that u get that rest in.... so crucial!

hope u got to chill out today, have a chai (?) and enjoy your beauitful new chicks. they are lucky to have their new EcoMama.

Have they settled in nicely?

thanks so much for the link on my page... I love all MH resources so thank u for noticing and caring xx hope ur feeling good xx

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy

Thanks, I'm so glad the link was helpful. I loved it. You can just see the joy in that couple and the motivation and intrinsic reward from doing work that matches their pure energy and love for others with disabilities.
Love each of them.

My baby girls are gorgeous lol!!! Now they come to us calling them... running their skinny little legs up the back yard and playing and pecking at their seed! TOO CUTE! They LOVE cupcakes lol so they belong in our family!

I'm up EARLY every morning lol and playing with them in the afternoon.

I'm back at work Full Time now, but we'll do our best.

Yep had a long nap yesterday. Only having short naps really when I'm beat. Not having full night's sleep just because of the things going on still... like late pick ups for kids from work. Up early for chickens and work etc.

Mother's still in hospital. They've now run all sorts of tests, still no improvement.

Alexa is visiting her each day - even between 18 hour work days omg.
Brother is working but unwell recovering from a bad flu so can't visit.

I'm in a strange version of NC that my Counsellor will totally freak about, because I am STILL involved.

The thing is - I can't stand by and watch Alexa and my brother go under with stress. Relationships have been strained so badly bec I was "missing" - they both said this.

Deeply inside myself, I have the need to care in some ways about the situation my mother is in.
Awful to say, but she is still my mother.

Moreover Alexa NEEDS me to step in and help somehow. So does my brother.

Mother may not have long but she may live for a very long time.
The whole thing is so uncertain but that's how we have to travel through this time.

It's not like LIFE is a smooth ride!
Don't we know it lol.

I'm doing really well, most esp considering all the crazy stuff going down right now lol.

Better get on!

Lovely to hear from you,
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

You're welcome, and also ditto.

Haha, I knew it. Not that I can blame you, I'm sure they are adorable. It does sound as though you're getting some energy from the joy of new chicken friends, that's a good thing.

Have you managed to get a good sleep? It can definitely be hard to do in times like these.

Sounds like some helpful communication with your brother, then. At least enough so to make dealing with everything surrounding your mother's current predicament easier to manage. I'm glad of that.

A lot of work ahead, then, to sort out your mother's house. Hopefully that goes relatively smoothly. Yep, you know who to call about any cars that need towing. 😉

Six months of extra commitments, that's a lot. Definitely seeing a pattern of you taking on too much work when you've got more than enough to do already. Have you considered giving yourself a period of time - a day, a week, whatever you need - to properly think over whether you should be saying yes to something work asks of you before you do so? For your well-being, I strongly recommend it. Fingers crossed you have the tax return sorted by the time the course starts.

You did all the work, EM, but glad I could help encourage you re saving money.

Good to have a timeline, re roof. Agreed about the cosmetic stuff. I wouldn't want tradies in my house without me there, either.

Yes, have a nap. I have a picture of you napping with all the little chickens surrounding you, hehe.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Just popping in to say hi, and let you know I'm thinking of you. You're such a generous capable woman, I know you are happier sharing that with precious family members and not holding a grudge.

I pray that this time will be filled with blessings, and that your mothers cares and concerns don't create too much of a burden for you. So hard to know where that boundary line is! If anyone can walk that fine line tho Em, it's you.

Love the sound of those chickens! Your're such a mother hen!

Much love and care,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, J*, Sleepy & everyone

Thankyou for your posts.

I've had so many challenges this week I couldn't begin to list them all. Crazy time in my life tbh.

As I was reading the past few posts (to catch up!) I realised that I KNOW that my brother and Alexa and the ACs (and even the younger children in a different way) have felt despair from their abandonment.
I just pinpointed WHY I'm willing to go to ANY lengths I can possibly manage to be there for them all.

If there's one thing I'm very akin to it's abandonment.
Not that I felt "abandonment" as a child - IDK why... but I was by my father and neglected by my mother but I didn't FEEL that.
I actually felt very loved, which is food for my next Counselling appt lol.

Each of the beautiful family I mentioned DO and HAVE felt abandoned and have said so to me.
Brother "felt" abandoned by his birth parents and I spent DECADES talking this thru with him... he was so freaking angry! Yet I had so much compassion for his birth mother. I just wanted to wrap them both up and hold them tightly together.

I've offered so many times to seek my brother's birth family with him and he blatantly refuses.
He has alot to say about it.

Then Alexa & the ACs by their father and his family.

My younger children by their entire family and even opened up and said by me too... during the Courts time... the dark ages I call it.

So many wounded people.
I often remind them "Hurt people hurt people" and withholding the HURTFUL things we could do can break this cycle.

Being aware in the moment is not so easy.
Hence I need to remind myself of the potential of hurt I could do, to allow hurtful things to slide off... to remain calm and grounded before and during any conversations and work it all out afterwards lol.
I'm the "only grown up" in a way. I'm child like in nature but responsible to the extreme.

I love my life but it isn't easy by a long shot.
I'm so grateful for all my children and their health!
I think I was designed for my work lol. SO much huge reward came forth last week, it was deeply humbling. I'll talk more about the negotiations I'm making at work, Blue lol. I'm getting a chip of the Blue block even more lately lol!!

I'm SO grateful for my income. It allows me to have what I have, sustain my family, put savings away for the future and repair this darned whole place lol.

I'm doing very well, esp considering the enormous strains atm.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi EM i know it's not easy but admire the way you succeed on so many fronts. Ur children are so lucky to have you guiding them.
Abandonment is a deep emotion, my sibling once told me they feel abandoned every day due to our difficult childhood. Like afresh. Because every day there's a new situation where, on reflection, there's a loss at not having the person you want to be there for you, be there.
Well done on ur negotitions at work. It sounds like u also see a lot of good in ur brother and have care for him. It's not always easy for us to do that when someone causes us grief, and I admire how you see the good.
I watched this comedy show by a young man called Corey White (It was called the Cane Toad Effect) - his mother had died of a drug overdose and he spoke about how he really thought she was doing his best, and how he forgives. I remember watching it and feeling really really bad about myself because I don't know how to forgive. I admire ppl who do.

I send you all the hugs and hope u have another successful week at work and got some good downtime, as well 🙂

Thanks for the links you shared on my thread...... I had no idea that guy had a partner and am now obsessed with her. Before that I was very drawn to him and his beautiful work as an educator. A few of my teacher friends used to share his stuff on social media and I loved his videos.

So glad to have seen it - thank U!!!