new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

I'm sorry to hear that lifeline hung up on you - how rude. This is the first I've heard but I don't really talk to ppl about lifelines etc. That's rough when she knew you called for help. Whatever, as I keep saying there'll be good ppl on the other end of the line, some not so good. Sorry you had to endure her rudeness.

Love Blubes

[Guest_498]

The louvre windows are expensive. They're nice though. Yeh, go the toughened glass.

You said: "Blubes girl! You are such a ratbag! lololol. That poor man lol!" - Yup, ratbag alright. hehe. I'm loving it.

On the beach thing - I'm not a beach person at all. Is that strange? I used to love it when I was younger, not so much now. I honestly can't stand the heat lol. Id rather be inside with aircon like at home or the gym.

Blubes x

[ecomama]

Hey Blubes

Yeah the louvres are turning out to be expensive but they're the loveliest option.
Yep I'm going with the toughened glass, like go hard or go home lol.

But now with all the dental costs plus Yvette's stuff (MH plus formal plus dancing etc) plus vet plus Christmas with lots of kids, I'm def getting Super out if they let me.
Hopefully it's a simple process and they haven't run out of money lol!!

It's been light and lovely with p.son and gf home. HAPPY DAYS that she's taking heaps of clothes home for her siblings lol.
I'm working on the room move every day but some days only 30 mins with all else going on.
Just the nature of my life really.

They've all just ducked down to pick up the Indian food for dinner. YUM!

We ALL had short naps this afternoon and it was WONDERFUL lol.

A mild temp day here but we've had the air con on for most of the past 10 days or so.

I moved a third of the loungeroom furniture around, scrubbing as I go, and we're USING the loungeroom more even with only this much change.

So that's given me a happier feeling about our plans for that room lol... "our" meaning us here on the forums.

I've done some cute design spots on the balcony too. When kids go past them they're saying "Oh wow! This looks really good there!"

It's nice.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM -

that sounds like u were able to make the gf really happy and sounds like it meant a lot to her.
I love the idea of passing things along - trash to treasure. It honestly feels good and is good.
I've been feeling a bit strange and stressed like between the trauma feelings and feeling better. Just wedged in between. Each day is a rollercoaster. I crave privacy and space as I live in almost like a commune where all the neighbours are friends. I just want to be alone but am finding it hard. I may book a trip shortly but am not sure about investing the $$. I'm not sure about a lot of things rn.
I was watching early Schitt's Creek and I love David and also Stevie lol.
David just gets me everytime lol

[ecomama]

Lol David and Stevie have the BEST facial expressions lol!

Like when David isn't sure if Stevie is serious or joking and he goes with joking most of the time because his EGO is HUGE!

LOL! Love it.

I watched the whole lot of Man Down and it's just SO SILLY! OMG I was trying to explain it to Alexa - you know the episode when Jo decides to do "Fusion Makeovers"!! OMG - and I was laughing so hard that I tears rolling down my face, which made Alexa laugh at me telling the story because it was SO RIDICULOUS omg so funny!

Okay Sleepy, I'm going to take a punt and say the feelings you're describing to me.... you know this ....

Sleepy21 said:
I've been feeling a bit strange and stressed like between the trauma feelings and feeling better. Just wedged in between. Each day is a rollercoaster.

This is EXACTLY how I felt when I was beginning to get better this year.
I described exactly THIS to my psych friends at the time. (My paid psych had no idea what I was talking about or she DID but wanted me to keep paying her)...
My psych friends said outright that THIS is what we can go through when we are beginning to heal!!

It's a weird time (I think I described it a cajillion pages back on this thread)... it was "spacey" and a bit numb feeling.

Psych friends said things like:
- HOLD ON to the feeling better, push into this with all you've got because you ARE getting better!
- it won't feel comfortable. It's new! It's weird. Tbh I felt terrified but no matter where I ended up lol, no way did I want to live in that PTSD tumbling world anymore.
- it may only be 10% of your waking time but push into it and gain more % of time.
- the "unwell" feelings are so known to us and so comfortable that we can sink into them because we "know" it.
- the well feeling is the unknown, we do kinda know it vaguely, but there are fears associated with getting well and being perceived as 'just fine'... ignore them. Fine is much better!
- so many ppl cannot come through this portal and out to the other side, for so many reasons. One important reason is they think "others" can fix them... others can HELP but it's then US who takes everything on board & puts it into practice & just gets this party started!!

I know you crave being alone.
This can be like food... we need it to survive but too much or too little makes us unhealthy.
So just like food. Plan the social times. Be selective. Leave when it's too much. Don't do it when you don't want to.

You're GETTING there Sleeps!

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

A hot tub, always wanted one of those, & a massage chair...
How relaxing.

Lots of swimmers in the house! I find swimming therapeutic and easy on the bod.
I find it hard to get a swimming costume to fit not being pregnant haha but luckily they make two piece ones with a loose fitting tank top with separate bottoms. Ordered two pairs online. Just hope they fit well.

Love the idea of a dream folder. Screw that ex of yours for his opinions and for keeping you broke. Luckily now you can fulfill or have fulfilled more of what's on your dream folder.
I believe having things to aim for are really good for mental health.

I just came back from lunch and shopping with a friend.
I'm wearing my brand new top which looks and feels good. Love the sheek material.

Been shopping for four days in a row. I'm def putting back into the economy and scoring a feel good and new needed items....

Still have more purchases to make.

Think I'll give everyone gift cards for Xmas this yr.

🎁

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Sounds like some complex work they have to do, I'm not surprised you're feeling a bit rubbish after going to the dentist. I find the worst thing is the anaesthetic. The needles hurt like hell and then you're numb for hours after. Dentist says you can eat on the work they've done pretty much straight away but the mouth won't do the eating motions. For a foodie like me, that's a nightmare! I think a nice thickshake with a straw would be good, but there's another minor nightmare, ol' Blue is lactose intolerant, haha.

Definitely worth having extras cover in your case, with all the things you need and a family needing things too. For a relatively healthy person with no kids it's not financially viable for me. Granted I've been hit with a few hefty expenses but overall it would have cost me more to have ongoing cover. Horses for courses and all that, we've gone with what is appropriate to our respective situations.

I'm just shaking my head that anyone would experience that. You'd think Lifeline would very carefully screen their people, given the importance of what they do and the ramifications of doing it wrong.

I think 1800RESPECT is for people in much more dire trouble than I, so I haven't used it. I've heard good things though. Yeah, that life buoy would be handy. I feel like I really fall through the cracks when it comes to getting help, too wonky to function properly, not visibly broken enough to be worth helping. It's an ugly place to be in, EM, it makes me so tired.

Glad poodle and chicken are doing well. Getting Indian for dinner sounds pretty good too, I love Indian food, all those beautiful spices. And naan bread, that stuff is delicious.

You'll definitely have good beach weather after Christmas, EM, make the most of it.

Blue.

Sleepy - just want you to know that roller coaster is pretty normal when you're healing. I go through it on the way out of every bad depressive patch. It sucks, but it is a sign of healing and the periods of feeling okay do get longer if you are open to them and make the most of them when they're there.

[ecomama]

Hey monkey and Blue (waving to everyone else!)

I wanted to acknowledge your posts asap and thank you for them also.

I'm just on the phone with BF looking at Engagement Rings for him lol... it's a milestone birthday for him after Christmas so we want them before then. He's so funny, there are rainbow ones he likes but I think we've settled on a gold ring with white gold inlay.

Be back later dears

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hello darling peeps reading lol

It's been more than a day and that's a biggie for me posting here so far LOL!

Things are so busy atm.

I went out tonight and bought a Christmas Tree yay!
Now to get rid of the stuff in the corner over the weekend and put it up.
I bought fairy lights for it too so I'm happy lol.
I also bought 2 bed pillows for p.son and GF since they TOOK their pillows from here and don't have any when they come lol... we lend them some off our beds.
So I'm wrapping them and putting them on their bed for them to find next week LOL!!!

I do silly things like this. Gives me a laugh.

I researched drawing down my Super and it could be more complicated due to my age - still I need to apply very soon and see the outcome.

Uncle has been on my back lol. I could tell he was angry about me simply saying I've had a few curved balls thrown and need to wait to spend more money to fix the house. I haven't responded to his last 2 texts with more of an apologetic tone LOL... my aunty must've gotten in his ear lol.

SO I got a bee in my bonnet being Christmas an all so phoned an aunty No 1 I haven't spoken to in a LONG time. We've had virtually zero communication all year. She didn't answer and I thought ughhhh but instead of getting all down / ruminating etc, I phoned the NEXT aunty (no 2 lol).

She answered and we got caught up. She's a Christian now and we love to talk about that too.

Then the aunty No 1 phoned back while I was on the phone, so I called her back too!
She's had all sorts happen this year.

We spoke about No 1s issues with aunty No 3 - they've always been like twins. But not speaking for 12 months. I've been virtual NC with aunty No 3, she's NASTYYY, just like my mother.
But I did run into No 3 this year and bought her lunch.
She wouldn't even know my phone number lol.

ALL this family and not ONE offer of help throughout all those years in Courts.

Oh well I survived without them.

No invitations to anything anytime but I made the effort.

BF needs my ring size before ordering the rings lol and I've been slack. I'll get it to it.

I've realised I'm anxious about FT work next year and not getting stuff done at home, there's ALWAYS SO MUCH to do everywhere here.
So I put priorities in order there; sleep & healthy food.

I do get stacks of leave so I'll tackle garden and stuff like that only on my leave, otherwise I'll get overwhelmed.

BIG WEEK here...

That's me!
How's everyone else doing?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hi beautiful peeps, an update bec there's so much going on atm!

Alexa called and asked me to visit last night, so I went there in my gardening clothes lol... omg she received an email saying her pay has gone up, from $15 to $30 per HOUR but the most amazing news is that it's BACKDATED for 5 whole months!

So all those nights she worked tirelessly and ran herself and her health into the ground during the shut downs... she gets to go back an re-do the invoices for 5 MONTHS... omg...

She was going to get an okay car since hers broke down completely last week but NOW she might have enough money to go SUPER nice car!

I'm so happy for her.
Btw her and Angelo are going well.

She's also getting on top of her health issues. I'm so proud of her.

I got on a roll and pressed my "resilience" button lol and phoned a gf from high school that has turned me down on every invitation to get together for months. She's separated from her H and I get it. Plus has LOTS of kids and grandkids.
Last night I phoned her and she was so much more relaxed.
She said YES to go to the beach with me some times over the Summer.

omg YAY!

monkey_magic inspired me to apply for draw down of my Super.
I am eligible since my pay reduced 50% then later 40% BUT not sure if they'll approve it.

It would make life SO much easier!
So much less stress over money too.

THEN today I got more in my pay than usual and that happened last time too so I think they mucked up my pay all these months... I'll take it lol.

When I'm stressed about money I have to watch depression. It's a difficult mind game to play on my mind that really knows the truth lol... but I look at everything I DO HAVE & push feelings of ABUNDANCE into my mind and feelings.

Music REALLY helps!

My friend's mum's funeral tomorrow. Sighhhh it's 3 funerals in the past year for that family & it's so heartbreaking. My friend, T, is unwell too. She was so grateful that I visited her last week & so am I.
Really good friends (but hopeless friends too lol) since 9yo.

So I'll be seeing all Ts family & all our high school friends tomorrow.

She LOVED my perfume but I WON'T get it for her atm bec it'll trigger thoughts of this loss.
I'll get it for her birthday early next year.

Oh & Alexa applied to Uni the next whatever Psych something she's doing lol. Part time this time which is supremely sensible.

Yvette is doing REALLY well!
She's finally letting her walls down more with Alexa & me... not huge walls but they were there.

EMxxxx