new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy, let's just ignore Blubes over there undressing her flattie lol while we have a chat.

I think the retreat idea sounds ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS Sleepy!
Just "Take me away" kind of thing.

My friends used to have a commune about an hour away.
Many places offer lots of fun things for just about free. Usually board for some labour like earth ship building or mud brick making etc.
Many organic or biodynamic farms do the same thing.

I used to take my kids and stay at these places. It was REALLY fun for us all. An educational experience also.

Happy Birthday sweet thing!
I know it's not today but you probably won't tell us exactly when, so hopefully I'm getting in early!

My only different BIG goal for self-care over my leave is to visit the beach once a week.
Any time of the day or evening.
Just ONCE a week.

I love to sit on the beach and sink my feet into the sand. Feels good.

Is there something you'd like to do Sleeps?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Blubes girl! You are such a ratbag! lololol.

That poor man lol!

Yes! Awesome about the soon to be politician friend, I just wrote on your thread.

I think it's GREAT you're gathering your new tribe.
And with so many like minded people you can gel with.

I'm glad you're having some fun nowadays.

Absolutely I'm enjoying the SPACE with the decluttering lol!
It just goes on and on and on and ON.
Feels like it'll never end lol.

P.son AND his gf came HOME!
YAY!
Omg I was so excited this week as the day was getting closer... I was still unsure if they'd come until he texted from the train.

I HUGGED GF SO BIG when I saw her and kissed her face about 10 times lol. I told her I missed her and said I love you. She was laughing so much and said I love you too.

Son just smiled a huge smile as he was upset by all the rift stuff between us for the first time EVER. It really distressed him.

They bought Alexa a great present, very thoughtful.
And they bought Yvette something too but Yvette is at work tonight.
Yvette gave away her 8h shift tomorrow to spend time with them.
She misses them SO MUCH.

We got to hang out together for ages with the ACs and dogs and kids, it was mental for about an hour.

AND they're coming back home for Yvette's dancing concert too!
They want to surprise her that day.

My Nana once said "You need to be rich to have a good time with a big family" lol... my Nana was quite wealthy.
I don't think that's necessarily the TRUTH but hey money helps most things.

I think it's cost me $1500 for family stuff this week.
God help me lol.

Uncle sent me his quotes for the glass slats for the louvre windows in the renos. For only TWO louvre windows it's between $400 and $600. The higher being toughened glass which is best when there are so many teenagers and pets around.
So I'll go with the toughened glass.

Anyway the decluttering is being noticed very much by everyone who walks into our home now.

Son said WOW when he walked in every room.

OH and I found those fabric softener sachets for 95c tonight lol! At ALDI.
I popped in to buy some bread (p.son and GF LOVE bread) and walked out with dog treats at around half price and fabric softener and yeah... I need to stay away from shops lol.

So our home is smelling better all the time!

I've found a trick to the LONG rooms. Making "zones".
I'm doing this in the loungeroom and did it on the balcony.

Also I have to tell you all about Alexa and Angelo... crikeys... they're going well.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Love aldi lol ... and ur dog will be happy with the treats 🙂

I have not been doing amazing 😞

I went a year ago to a farmstay in a beautiful hippy area and i hung out there a lot with the animals and it was gorgeous. Id love to do something like that. Or a yoga retreat they can be quite cheap I think. Or pay a little more in an air bnb style place on a farm. i love the expanses of nature and the sunsets, it's very soothing for me.
I also find the people in the country or the people who run these farms quite earthy and sweet, very dedicated and relaxed.
How often are u managing the beach trips? That sounds absolutely gorgeos and amazing. Do u go early in the day?
It's so good to be at the beach -good for u. I love the combo off nature and having a little room/hub with a tv and books - like having the entertaininment option and also being able to be purely in nature.

The farm I went to last year had a porch overlooking acres of land - I'd take a blanket and watch the sunsets with a tea and feel my whole soul heal.

I know that it helps, I don't know why, but it might calm me a bit.

I called Lifeline earlier and the lady hang up on me. No Joke. We had a disagreement and she told me I was being defensive.
Is this a first for society? to be hung up on my lifeline?

gee lol.

[ecomama]

Oh crikeys Sleepy!

I'm sorry that happened to you!

Indeed it happened to me too many years ago. I actually felt 10 times WORSE after calling Lifeline when I was at the edge.

NEVER AGAIN.

How freaking dare they.

I wish you could call me.

I've been scatting around BB asking how you are!
Did you notice? LOL!!!!

It's like I can tell from what you DON'T say that things aren't good atm for you.

You're fast becoming Miss Transparent to me lol so WATCH OUT your ecomama just knows.
Yeah go ahead, roll your eyes like my kids do lol.

Hey Sleeps did you take any photos of those lovely places you stayed at?
Look down... see those two beautiful feet of yours?
Those TOOK you to wonderful and beautiful places.
Say thankyou lol.

They're going to do so again.

I saw a stand in the shopping centre today that you could take your phone to and in a few minutes they transferred a photo from your phone to a framed fabric board thing. So you could hang it up.

If you can't get enlargements of uplifting photos of yours, you could do a slide show of them all to "take you away" when you feel yuck, maybe?

NATURE IS HEALING.

Oh I only AIM to go to the beach on my holidays coming up lol. I seldom go any other time.

I would take ANY time of the day or night to go.
We have SO many beaches around us.
My faves are where I grew up which is about 15 mins away.

But the water is right THERE... see where I'm pointing? lol... in my most dreaded times, if the kids were safe, I would drive to THERE and sit at the waterfront and just cry. SOB my heart out.
That's about a 2 min drive and 5 minute walk.
But if I was going to cry, I would take my car.

I just feel CLEANSED by water.
Imagining swimming is what also got me through when I couldn't leave the kids.
I would meditate on swimming and imagine the water purifying my entire body and soul.

I also used humour. But that's for another time.

I'm thinking of you Sleepy.

You are amazing, you know why?
Because you're still here.

HUGS!

Love you lots bbg!!
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hey Em - Thank u so much for the scatterings of asking for me
i think ur body was tryign to heal and was very wise taking u to the beach

i never thought about it too deeply but i think my visit to the farm began a healing process in me.

i also liked the couple who hosted the farm /retreat/ They were yogis and held yoga classes for the whole hippy community. I would go to their yoga barn and practise some moves lol. Or join the classes.
It felt like home.
And I guess it's a nice home where kindness and giving is happening - I think I felt that there - by hosting yoga classes and teaching self care to ppl these ppl were "paying it forward"

crying by the beach is 10/10 self care queen - what else can we do sometimes

much love x

[monkey_magic]

Oh the beach.
Was there 1 week ago and it's reguvenating! The sun, salt water, sounds of the waves crashing.
Today I swam at the lap pool and I feel good.
I live about 60 mins away from the closest beach, well, there's loads of beaches that distance from me and it's well worth it.
Are you a swimmer Em?
I love how the salt water curls my hair.
I usually go to beaches that have a pool I can do laps in.
Once a week would be amazing. U live so close I'd be taking advantage for sure.

Hey Sleepy,
I hope you are ok. Here if u wanted to talk about anything. Def go on more trips. Nature's energy works it's magic on us...

Once upon a time I slept outside under the stars...and loved the feeling.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

Have you thought about doing something like that again soon?

It sounds like you got a lot of positives being involved with the farm/yoga/retreat times.

It certainly sounds healing to me!

The whole wholesome foods, routines according to nature, stretching, everything sounds healing on so many levels.

I find so often that groups like these simply have less desire or need to judge people.
They're kind and gentle with the earth, each other and themselves.

Something I really need to do today for myself. That dentist's appt was awful. The first step of root canal on only ONE tooth (maybe I need 3 more done over time - yeah PLENTY of neglect!)..
and I have another appt on Friday and I won't tell you what it is unless you want to know.
Sounds extremely drastic and will be $2000 just for that appt alone.
My health fund pays HALF thank goodness.

I need these things done before the New Year to use up the benefits NOW.
They reset on Jan 1st.

So I'm not feeling very well now.
Thank goodness Alexa took all the kids to the pool, except for those working today.

I might have a nap and tell BF I can call him tomorrow after prodigal son and gf go home.

It's been wonderful seeing them. They stayed up till 1am to see the other kids after work, then chatted away. It was nice to fall asleep hearing them so happy to see each other and catch up.

Pity I have this pain in my mouth all the time. I can't enjoy it as much as I might.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Short one today, ol' Blue is a bit under the weather. Glad poodle is coping okay, crazy cost for the vet though, never mind all you're spending at the dentist.

Man, my ex was expensive, but not that expensive. I guess the end result was the same, we both got hit hard and had to work our butts off and learn a lot to get back up again. Such an unfair situation.

I'm glad exposure therapy has been helpful to you, sounds like damn hard work and no doubt it is. I know what you mean about triggers everywhere, been there too, and was in that state constantly before I concluded it was time to end that relationship. Similarly I barely slept either, there was just no peace in that house.

Root canals suck, EM, I've had a couple (without extras cover, that ain't in the budget - go figure). Better in the long run, doesn't feel too fun at the time.

Hope you get lots of beach time in, I sure would if I lived so close (nearest to me is about an hour away).

Blue.

Sleepy - I'm sorry you had such a rotten experience with Lifeline. I'm with EM on that, how dare they? That person has a lot to answer for, the consequences of such behaviour could be catastrophic. Hope you're in a better place with how you're feeling today. We're all here to listen and help if we can.

[ecomama]

HI monkey

Definitely am a swimmer but only up until having the multiples... I even swam pregnant with them until no more swimming costumes would fit me lol!!!
Plus worked a 70h week for the Federal govt...

I'd take Alexa and the ACs to the pool alot. They entered into competitive swimming for a while.

The beach wasn't too safe after the multiples were born. I didn't have enough arms to save them all at once if things went awry.

So my older children are beach babies and my younger ones are not except for Yvette - she's my mermaid lol.

I LOVE swimming in motel pools lol... I took my cozzies to America and Europe during their Winter and my bf thought that was crazy!

I swam when he was at work.... omg it was SO beautiful swimming inside with a warm set of indoor pools whilst the snow was banking up against the windows!! ahh such gorgeous memories. BF would come home and join me in the spa lol.

We've chosen the spot for our outdoor spa (or he calls a hot tub) when he comes ie when he's retired and me partially lol.

I'd made a "Dream Folder" when I was with demon about 10y ago.
I put EVERYTHING I dreamt of in there lol... I went WILD.

All the kids had them too!

In mine I put a White Christmas, with the snow banking up against the windows.
demon poo pood the WHOLE idea of our dream folders.

I had BRAND new kitchen appliances lol etc etc etc... demon kept us stone cold broke from almost the moment I met him.

And guess what?
I got the lot.

I found my American Winter clothing stored in my wardrobe last week and they're drying on the clothesline now after getting a wash.
So sweet seeing them again.
So many romantic memories.

There's a thread here, topic including "The Law of Attraction" by CMF and in there I was inspired to begin my NEW Dream Folder... it's an ongoing process.
I keep it under my bed and write, draw and colour it in lol.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue!

Yeah I'm worse for wear after the dentist... ugh..

I've no idea how many root canals I've had. First one about umm 30y ago I think. Some are coming out now but they did their job.

My health fund for extras is super cheap since it covers a whole family. We were "a family" with ONE child and now with multitudes so for me it's so worth it.
I don't have hospital cover, only extras. It's an Industry Health Fund so I can't tell you which due to ID stuff here.

Just for Friday's appt I'm getting back more than I paid out in over 6 months for cover for all of us. But due to my back injuries, I have other therapies ongoing. I pay from $5-$20 per appt instead of $70-$90 and I see them every 2 weeks or so otherwise it's a wheelchair for me.

Plus glasses! At 1 point I had 5 with reading glasses. So with the cover we get 2 pairs each per year for free.

Re: Sleepy's experience with Lifeline, it really makes me so angry...
It absolutely happens!
It happened to me.
I'm so sorry it happened to Sleepy too.
They should take stats of certain types bec it should be a wake up call to them.

Never again.

I will never promote that line. Ever.
I feel much stronger than that.

I always promote 1800RESPECT and have always felt so much better after receiving the psych guidance.

No one has a magic wand BUT it would be great if a life buoy was thrown out.

Poodle is being a ratbag so he MUST be feeling better lol!
The kids are playing games at the table and they get into funny discussions... loudly lol... so poodle thinks it's his job to get in there and sort them out lol! Darling boy.

Darling chicken is out the front enjoying watermelon whilst I cleaned the shower today (errrk lol).

Better get on. I had a meal thought out for tonight BUT the kids unanimously decided upon Indian food from the one nearby. Heavens... need to work out how to draw down this Super asap.

Uncle is on my case about ordering the glass and I can't kick a gift horse in the mouth since he's giving me 100% free labour lol.

My leave doesn't start until after Christmas THEN YES I'll be getting beach time in lol.

Love EM