new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

You're welcome, EM. I point out the medical improvements because of my own situation. When I got together with my partner, it was with the understanding we weren't likely to have much time together. His whole life he'd been told he probably wouldn't live until he was 20 - he was already on borrowed time. His health continued to worsen and we knew it was going to keep doing so. He was on new, experimental treatments that slowed his decline but didn't stop it. It wasn't until two or three years into our relationship that his treating doctor brought up the possibility of transplant. There was a good chance but no guarantee he would survive that. But here we are, able to plan for a future we never thought we would have. Preparing for the worst is sensible, but it's just as possible that won't come to pass.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's struggles. I have a few people in my life with BPD and a few who have self harmed. My partner's scars are by no means all surgical (though thankfully all the recent ones are). These things aren't easy to live with or work through, but they aren't insurmountable challenges. She'll get through this crisis period and have better days.

I don't expect my idea to bring much wealth (not for some while anyway), but if it goes ahead I can at least hope for improved mental health. I'll take what I can get.

Hope you're taking some time to just breathe, and look after yourself to find some calm among all the drama. You've got this.

Blue.

[Guest_498]

Hi Ems,
Just got online ... I'm sorry to hear about your health scare. Heres hoping its not cancer. Fingers crossed. Again Im soo sorry to hear that 😞 I'll have you in my thoughts whilst I pray tonight.
You must be feeling anxious and at low ebbs atm with the scare and prodigal son and it's understandable - reach out, we're here to support you through it.
always,
Blubes xx

[monkey_magic]

Hey Em,

Lots going on at yours as usual.

Wishing U all the best with your health. Also praying for a good outcome.

I think you have created a pretty good balance in your life.

Also you're very invested in your children s lives and I think that makes a terrific mother.

All the best hun.

[ecomama]

Thanks so much for sharing that story about your partner.

What a miracle he is. How beautiful that you found each other and things have worked out this way. Love that.

Ofcourse I hope for miracles in my cases too.

And for millions coming your way sooner than you think!

You can't buy mental health so if you can change work situations to improve it for yourself then more power to you Blue.
Sounds like a great plan!

I wish you all the very best of success, I hope it all comes to you too.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Thanks Bluberry and monkey...

I ended up phoning a helpline and was put through to a trauma psych who was so lovely.

She said lots to me.

One thing was that I was at the very edge of my ability to support Yvette.
Complex PTSD is indeed complex so with her sharing things, it is retraumatising me.

But she marvelled that Y is sharing with me at all.

I am too and I hate to think anyone may think I'm not grateful she's sharing, it's NOT lost on me just how precious this sharing is.
After all she's been through, as we know, trust is a major issue for her - even with me.

It shows she's trusting me which is huge.

I just hope it helps her recovery!
I just want her to get better like yesterday.... I know it's a long road but I'm so impatient for her to be well and enjoy her life.

I say this and the little monkey filled in for someone at work tonight. 9pm was her finish. Then 11pm then I drove there and she'd texted whilst I was on the helpline call (I missed her text) saying she could get a lift home from her female boss lol.

Anyway the psych also said what we KNOW but I don't do so well.... that I need to do "radical self-care", I asked "can I Google that? is that a THING?" lol... I just want guidelines.

She laughed and said IDK! But think of things for self-care and do them as you would brush your teeth....

okay - Sleepy do you hear that? omg lol.

think I'm getting it.

So I began clearing and cleaning my loungeroom lol.
I CAN'T WAIT to paint it those blues of which I'm not sure I like best bec I like them BOTH Blubes and Sleepy!

I'll do as Blubes said and get sample pots.

I saw a brick wall painted white today and wow it looked so nice and clean!
I can't wait to paint those ggrrrr bricks (so many things remind me of demon and those DO - but it's not the brick's fault lol).... painting those bricks will entirely change the room!

I de-furred my velvet chaise lounge... took me ages.
The cat thought it was HIS lounge, it's going in my new bedroom.

Oh and some cute news... remember that family I gave a truck load of stuff to sell for themselves?
The mum gave me $20 which was so kind of her.
Those things were a GIFT.
She's sold nearly all of it and that makes me so happy!

I hope she gets an Accounting job soon. Her H can't work.

Anyway psych ALSO said that the stronger I am, the better it will be for Yvette. I've heard that before.
I need to write that down somewhere lol... in my phone reminder or somewhere.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Ems, radical self-care means love yourself as you would your child. I googled it...lol. Aint a bad idea, as we tend to put ourselves last over everyone we love. It would be great for you to concentrate on YOU. Do what you love whilst still caring for your children. It's simply hard to do at times, I know. But please do it. Be kind to yourself, love yourself. You got this, girl.

Blubes xx

[ecomama]

Thanks Blubes.

I haven't googled it yet. Been too busy looking after children lol and pets and taking Yvette formal dress shopping.

Didn't find a single dress for her AT ALL, not even any to try on. The centre was hopeless for this type of clothing.

Y got her nose pierced.
And bought LOTS of perfume.
So 5 hours out wasn't completely wasted in her eyes.

But so much for self-care.
I was up till 3am doing laundry for early starters at work today after working till 1am.
Then up at 7am.

Not alot I can do with kid's pick ups and drop offs.

I do listen to the Christian radio station and sing along. That's self-care.

I enjoyed the view when picking up Alexa's dog to mind tonight. Her dog was really sick last night and we were all worried about her.
Alexa was going to cancel her DATE but I said not to.

So I saw the beautiful mountains and sang along again.

I missed out getting nail polish remover bec it was so darned expensive at the one chemist we looked at. Same brand as the cheap shop but twice as much. Just not doing that.

Midnight pick up again tonight.

I might have a nap soon.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, not sure what to say in reply, but just wanted to pop in and say I'm thinking of you all.

- Tayla.

[ecomama]

I'm thinking of you too Tayla, how you doin'?

I ended up hitting the sack early, set my alarm for kids pick up at midnight... my alarm set itself for tomorrow night!
Omg so I woke up to the phone ringing.

The kids got a lift home from the boss ugh.

I had a really bad headache, so I'm up now.

I hadn't told BF some things but did yesterday. He encouraged me to. I felt so bad after telling him & needed to sleep.
But he wants to know what's going on here.

I sent him a beautiful Des'ree song to wake up to. Kissing you.

Sometimes we do this, send each other a heartfelt text or a song.

We really miss each other alot atm.
It's getting really painful being apart.
It always is.

We try to focus on being happy that we met & are together rather than the pain of being apart but sometimes, the apart feeling is undeniable & unbearable.

On a happy note, Alexa texted me during her date with Angelo lol... remember his mum was born in the same Asian country.... there are "certain cultural things we do" and I've spent my life trying to Anglicise myself lol!
EG trying to LIKE potato and bread - erghhh. LOL!

Anyhow Angelo's mum calls and texts during their DATES!
Omg so gorgeous.
She's worried.
Apparently he had his heart completely broken a few years ago & it's taken all this time for him to try again with Alexa.

I just KNOW that it would have taken ONE very special person to even grab Alexa's attention for more than a moment lol.
So I trust her instincts with him.

He found out that Alexa loves antiques & he does too!
So he picked her up early to take her to a huge Antiques Warehouse in the major city he's taking her for Ramen.

Sometimes, JUST some times, a relationship is so magical, so warm and comforting, and things "fit".

Alexa finally understands how I feel about BF and knows why I'd wait for him and not want to be with anyone else.

Why bother.

And the snow is beginning to fall where he is now.
The snow reminds us both of "us"... it was his first snowy Christmas that I flew over 5y ago.
I was there when he was trying to learn how to drive in snow and walk in snow lol.

How to DRESS for cold weather!
When we were in Switzerland I bought him some warm things, while he was at work, that he still wears.

So as we boil in the heat, he freezes in the snow at Christmastime.

Thank goodness this year he will travel to be with family at Christmas.

I miss him.

EMxxxx

[monkey_magic]

Hey Em,

I can't imagine how unbearable it would be to be in different countries.

I do however remember a time when I was really young and had a boyfriend have to go back to Lebanon and we kept contact for a while.

I could just imagine you miss, miss, missing him. It would be heartwrenching at times.

But then he's just a phone call away . Still, it would be hard.

I've been single for a couple yrs or so. Have male friends and company. Just do the independent woman single Thang... it's good for me. I rely on myself.
I do maybe see myself with someone in the future, just have to C what happens.

Feels so good driving my 4wd. It's comfortable to drive and love the aircon.

Progression is a great feeling. I used to pay rent, be broke and stuck. These days I feel like I'm slowly creeping forward.