new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

I'm so sorry to read that ecomama, I really hope it's nothing serious. Thinking of you & best wishes.

- Tayla.

[ecomama]

Thanks Tayla

I find out next week when I see my GP.

Saw a new GP for Yvette with her this afternoon. I'm very glad Yvette was more open and honest with this GP than any other ever before.
I offered to leave the room and did so after a while.

The GP confirmed some things that I was worried about.

A very long road ahead for Yvette.

A REALLY hot day here today!

It got up to 38 degrees and so humid too. Ugh.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

I'm so sorry.

Yes it's the same here, very hot, it sucks.

- Tayla

[Ggrand]

Hello ecomma,

I listen here and have been traveling along with you in silence..not because I don’t want to chat with you. more because we have travelled very similar roads in our marriage..

I really need to call in to say how very sorry I am about your Dr. thinking it’s Breast cancer....I pray with all my heart that it isn’t...

Around 20 years ago I was told the same after my mammogram...It really is scary, I was called in a few weeks later to then have a biopsy and the results came back as ????? Cysts....I forget what type they were...The relief I felt was good....

I hope so much with all my heart that it’s something other then cancer...My prayers are with you...if that’s okay with you..I believe in the power of prayer if our faith and belief is strong enough..

Sending you my kindness, care, love and hugs dear sweet friend..

You are one very amazing and caring mother...and person...I just wanted you to know that..🦋🌹.

Grandy..

[Guest_1643]

hey EM

you're amazing

i'm so sorry for what you are experiencing and the fear you have for your family, please take care of yourself and i hope it's all good and no complications or need to worry at all. I hope for good news for you very very soon and lots of relief and even laughter 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Sorry to hear of your current health worries. Here's hoping it isn't cancer, but I would like to throw in the reminder that even if it is, it doesn't have to be fatal. Medical technology is always improving, and many people get through cancer treatment. You have a lot of love and support around you to help you through, whatever the outcome.

Thinking of you through this tough time, always here to listen.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much Grandy.

I would LOVE YOUR PRAYERS!

Again I am Praying for Miracles and have always felt undeserving of them BUT my children ARE so deserving of them!

Alexa was in tears a few nights ago, saying they wouldn't be able to cope without me.

So it is sad and I'm trying NOT to worry lol... but you know how that goes.

They actually did far more than mammograms today - they decided to do full ultrasounds also.

My Grandmother who had breast cancer (father's mother) had mastectomies and lived for another 30 years. I understand we inherit our father's mother's female stuff so there it is.

It's not really in my mother's family. Thanks to God for that.

But I so appreciate you posting. I was thinking of you last night when I was posting and feeling so alone in this journey.

I know how much of your journey I share with you.
I know the heartbreak you've suffered.

I also know your gentle soul and awe of nature. I share the latter lol...

Thankyou for lifting me up in your Prayers.
I'm Praying alot lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy

Thankyou so much.

That indeed would be a Christmas Miracle! Lol.

Would you believe the first lumps were discovered on the DAY Yvette's disclosures of SA were shared with me by my Lawyer, years ago.

The WORST day of my life. So extremely worried for Yvette and in fits I wouldn't be around for her.

Just when you think you've had the worst day of your life (before then) then it actually HAPPENS.
Then Alexa's disclosures came in the months after that.

I was so broken that year time after time. 3 Courts in the same year. It was abominable.
Disgusting. Repulsive.

I read a Christian meme that year and omg it said "I want a t-shirt saying 'I aim to be on the devil's Top 10 list'" meaning I'm THAT good a person that the devil wants to take me down.

Omg I'm not that good a person but I felt the full force of evil for those years.

And I have a 4 page Prayer behind my toilet door lol that says I pluck every arrow that the devil strikes me with and throw it down useless.

It's exhausting.

I don't have that much good news but I'll squeeeeeze some out of today and update soon lol.

Love you lots Sleepy.
Thankyou

Love EM

[ecomama]

Thanks so much Blue, it means alot to me to hear you say that.

Right now I'm battling with my poodle's butt to get out of the way so I can type lol.

I'm grateful for my animals to make light of any situation lol.

I'll remember about the interventions available. They are making progress medically speaking.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better today.

I really hope your new idea springs alot of wealth for you all!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: tests and Yvette's new GP

I was at the imaging place for 2h today.

They did a thorough set of mammograms - I've had them before and this new machine was really much more thorough.

I didn't see ultrasounds on the referral so got ready to leave and they held me back.
Same imaging place as last year and the year before.

Tbh I think it was THEIR idea to do that because I still can't see this on the referral.

Better to be thorough. So ultrasounds were done also.

In the afternoon I took Yvette to her new GP appt. Yvette made us late and they said they didn't receive my online forms, which made me cranky so I had to fill out 3 more paper forms.

I just hate that stuff. Incompetent technology and going back to paper ANYWAY. Grrrr, waste of time.

Anyway I'll call Yvette's new GP Dr Bell (not her real name) because she seemed switched on and that was ringing good bells for me.

She asked SUCH mild questions of Yvette at first. It was already established I would leave at some point, which I was happy for. Having my kids independent is even more on my mind than ever now.

I was concerned that Y wouldn't tell her certain things but when the Dr saw Ys sores on her legs, I said that's her reaction to mozzies. Y said no it's not, I did it all.
I asked if it was time for me to leave.

So I cried in the waiting room.
I didn't know where the toilets were.

I saw marks on Ys body this week and knew it was SH.
I said "please don't do that to your wonderful body"... I didn't know the rest were her also.

Dr Bell said Y would probably need a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist and trial some medication.
FIRST visit.

Y is concerned she has BPD. (So is Alexa who has a psych degree).
Y doesn't know that my mother has that and other MIs.

I'll be phoning a helpline because it's 2 weeks till I see my Counsellor and IDK what to do.

I already know Y has Oppositional Defiance Disorder (not diagnosed but it's pretty obvious - not "only" teenage girl stuff). So that's a hard thing to work around as her only parent.

But there are real reasons for ODD at least, due to the SAs.

Dr Bell ordered Ys first ever blood tests for iron levels etc.

Y had the hairdresser cut off ALL her hair yesterday.
I know it's in defiance of being "pretty".

2y ago she had long blonde Rapunzel like hair, never had a hair cut and it was beautiful.

I said her new hair do looked great!
I know she hates it, but she hates most things atm.

Prodigal son isn't coming home for a month.

EMxxxx