new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,
Sorry for the delayed response. Had to organise a few things in my room because I had to move my belongongs out of the spare room where my flatemate is now sleeping. I have a lot of clothes to go through and some paper - documents to sort. The docs are the worst!! Some I found from the organisation caused a bit of a 'trigger'. When I think about it, I get so angry Ems.
Easy peasy recipeasy isn't bad. It's dorky but dorky cute - I like, I like. I'll endeavour to post some easy recipes up and check out your brisket. I make yummy lamb shanks. I'll upliad that. It's a shame we can upload pics on this forum.
Yes, I'm alright and safe for now. I feel at this present time that I'm being left alone and these people are not currently interfering with my devices or anything (thats another story in itself). My mum hasn't come 'round to my home for a solid 4 months now and she hasn't got my phone number. Before I told her to get lost, I went absolutely ballistic at her (I was so enraged) from her constant lying and covering up. I have NEVER met a grown woman lie as much as she has - what a joke teaching me as a child not to lie. Double standards. I HATE her guts, Ems.
I get your PTSD. I do understand the lonely feeling it encompasses and the hardship that comes from rebuilding. You do feel like a fish out of water - I feel like that everyday, darl. Feeling heard and validated by you gorgeous women here on BB is important to me, as it is to you too. I'm still here on this forum, arn't I? 😜
I'll respond to your other threads as I go ...
Love xx

[Guest_498]

I'm so pleased and it's such a relief to hear your daughter is doing well and that she is no longer suicidal. Hair-dying? OMG, how many heads? I've been doing mine and it's sooo messy!! It gets on the sink, floors etc. not to mention your clothes. I just cannot wait for the hairdressers to reopen!! One thing I miss doing during the pandemic.
Speaking of pandemic ... What you've said kinda did reasonate with me. I wasn't as afraid of getting covid as much as I feared the recession... Well to be exact, I feared a depression. The thought of a great depression SCARED me so much because I don't have any savings in my account and feared that I couldn't eat or pay my bills. I FEARED (at times I still do) that I'll be forced to contact the very person who severely mentally abused me for help, my mum. This I feared most. Worst part of restrictions & lockdown for me is not being able to do ordinary things like hairdressers, shop, cafes. Just to get out and even say "hi" to complete strangers comforts me, as I don't have any friends. The so-called friends I did have weren't friends to begin with, as they got involved with the organisations scam. I decided to severe all ties 😢
I'll meet you on your other threads. Lol. I'll get through them.
Xx

[ecomama]

Oh dear Lord Bluberry I'M not dyeing any hair... the kids are doing their own.... 8 kids altogether (boys and girls lol). I'm gonna get as far away from that as I can whilst remaining on the property LOL!

Apparently one dad is coming over to suss me out tomorrow.... ugh... I'll tell you what happens afterwards lol... (oh crap I just saw another crack on my phone from dropping it with the timber today erghhh)... anyway here's my hit prediction.... he will come into my home with the child... then make a comment about the water views, then want to go out to the balcony (past ALL my horrendous paperwork in the loungeroom lol) THEN say "do you know if you cut down all those trees, you'd have better water views?"

Man I am SO tempted for the next time to say something smart-a$$ed.... I REALLY am. lol. I am NOT in the mood for anything - seriously.

Maybe "OMG NO, I have NEVER ever thought of that!"
Last time I just said "I'm a greenie, I like trees". Then the bloke went on. Cheeses.

No woman ever says that. Just the men.

I might just have my hard yakka gardening stuff, with steel capped boots on and my hat and be out the front garden and NOT want to go inside.

That's a far better way out.. but usually they say "Wow have you got the same water views as from here?"

IDK it's such a ank with a w lol.

Yeah about feeling high and dry. I have lots of relatives but no one helped me at all during all that Court stuff. I'd lost them years before I know that. But still.... oh well. I guess I can try to feel even extra proud I did it all myself, plus parenting, plus work and everything.

We can waste alot of energy feeling scared and even shoot our PTSD up further with higher anxiety but it doesn't get us anywhere. Being grounded and thinking from the ground level upwards is what helps us.

You've done that. You got a flatmate in and that would really help alot!
Now for the rest.

We have a Manifestation and the Law of Attraction thread here by CMF and it's really interesting.

My kids and I are really healthy so I haven't been worried about catching covid. I was worried out of my skull about BF in his high risk job, but if he isn't worried then I'm not going to either lol.

Are you thinking outside the box about work?

Love EM

[Guest_498]

It sounds like there's an element of anxiety going on within about the dad coming around tomorrow. And, lol .. As you get those comments and recommendations alot, I would stick to the "I'm a greenie, I like trees" line. I like it. It's to the point and matter of fact. Stops the b.s & anking (with the w). Lol.
You know Ems, when I was in court in January & Feb this year, I had no support by my side either. I looked around and other people were there with their support person and I was there alone. It was really sad. I had to represent myself also as I couldn't get legal aid. So I know how lonely it feels. I felt alone thats for sure. You're just a woman with incredible strength having raised kids, worked and battled through other challenges life threw at you - I'd be proud of that. 🙂
Yes, my flatemate has helped me a lot both financially and company in the evening. Although, he's a man of few words. At times, theres nothing really to talk about. But I try to fill in where I can. Sometimes I even try to be funny or silly. Hes ok so far. Nice and respectful enough. But at times I get the feeling that he's trying for something else (if you know what I mean). Just by things he'd say at times and I caught him staring at me few times too. I'm NOT interested in that way. Id like a friend & flatemate I can get along with, that's it.
They say covid can and have killed healthy and young people globally... so, it's best to do the right thing with social distancing, wash hands, sanitize etc. We'll be ok though as long as we all take precautions.
Workwise, yes I'm thinking out the square. I was thinking of uber driving once it is ok by Dan Andrews. The reason for this is because I can choose my own hours and work whilst I study law next year. There's going to be a lot of reading to do and a LONG 4 years of it. I think to myself do I really want to do that to myself? And at 40 years of age? Idk sometimes. I enrolled for bach Criminology only 2.5 years 'coz Ive received credits off) but I'm more interested in law and will matriculate. I don't really know if I want to study THAT long.
Love always

[ecomama]

Since we're so close and it's what I'd say to a close friend YES YOU DO want to complete that study! YES YES YES lol... omg I'm MUCH older than you and those "close" friends have said exactly the same thing to me at 25yo then at 30yo then at 35yo then at 40y and at 48YO and now over 50yo lol and when I KNOW it would suit them to be in that profession.... the answer is YES!

OF COURSE.

Now is the PERFECT time to study (I've studied History for many years and it's how the most successful people came out of long periods of awfulness, they studied!).

Btw all those friends have qualified at all those different ages. They are ALL working still in their fields, haven't lost their jobs. One is doing a Post Grad Degree now and working FT.

A minute ago you were 36yo right?
In a minute or 2 you'll be 44.

Just GO FOR IT. Plough into it!

My Lawyer was SO YOUNG and that made me fret a bit lol. But she was SO INTELLIGENT plus the only one who would take my case that turned into multiple cases on. She wrote an affidavit that was so beautiful lol like Da Vinci's statue of David. Brilliant.

And when the children disclosed, she found out first and phoned me. She cried with me. She held strong and NEVER gave up on me.

We really NEED people like you in Law. We need people who KNOW not only by study but more importantly by experience, what it's like to be a victim.

My Lawyer didn't know by experience but she had a "heart for the job".

These things are worth so much.

You'll smash it.

YD is super nervous about today. I am too. We both had a big cry this morning!
I bought lots of chockies and corn chips and salsa and chips and lunch. And my vacuum cleaner broke yesterday - SO frustrating. Now I have to sweep and mop too. I'll do that first after feeding my blind chicken lol, little darling.

Okay gotta wash the front porch and sweep the paths too etc and I'll put my gardening clothes on to do all that lol.

I'm so proud of you.
EM

[ecomama]

Oh sorry I didn't respond to the 'flatmate' thang.

Ugh I've been trying to work out how to talk about this openly to you, knowing men might read it lol. And get all on the defensive. I've had SO many conversations with men about this kind of stuff and every single one bar 1 man who said he took decades of mind work to get "those" ideas out of his head about women when he saw them.

I have SO many sayings about this that would break BB guidelines lol.

Ummm it was kind of bound to happen.

It's going to be difficult to stay amiable flatmates and NOT have him "think" certain things IME.

So this is a cleaned up version of what I've come up with as a result of those convos.

Chatting can be taken as a come on.
SMILING to a man can be taken as a come on.

Seriously, doing ANYTHING at all for a man eg patting his dog as happened to me last week, can be taken as a come on.

So my suggestion to you is this.... be comfortable with awkward silences.
Eg reading silently in the same room as him.

Do not offer to do anything for him unless it's a tit for tat thing eg I'll make dinner tonight because you made dinner last night (even this can be taken as a 'relationship' come one).

I've had male flatmates, the last one was my friend's fiancee. Even HE thought I was coming on to him and I was SO distant unless she was there. I barely spoke to him - left notes on the fridge.
He told me after they got married (and yeah the marriage failed lol) that he was hoping for a relationship with me.

My 2 cents.
You've got this. Just tell him you're going to study to be a Lawyer and he should back off lol.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Heya Ems,
How is it all going with the mad house, hair dyeing, blast of a weekend? Did you meet the dad ok? I hope that wasnt too painful for you & your daughter. Xx
Thanks heaps for your encouragement, and YES, YES I will plough into it!! Thanks, Ems. ❤❤❤❤
I was very close to just giving up studies altogether because the thought of 4 years or even another 2.5 years really did my head in, whilst at the same time, I always feel like I wanted to achieve somethibg and get myself into a noble profession. I will & determined to do it.
I hope youre having a funtastic time with D et al. Let me know how it went with the dad.

[Guest_498]

Hahaha. LOL.. It IS sooo true!! Anythibg I'll do WOULD be considered as a come on! Men!! Aint that a fact! This is why I try to strike a delicate balance. On one level I NEED to communicate, be nice & friendly and on the other, I can't give mixed messages. Honestly, it is HARD to do at times. I'm naturally a warm, caring person. I've been told I'm a natural flirt as well (I haven't ever noticed before) & I genuinely don't meant to be at all!! It's JUST me & my demeanor and personality. I don't even notice I'm doing anything. I smile a lot and I'm warm - thats it!!! Ugh. I'm learning to be comfortable with awkard silences... Im learning. I'll take your advice.

[Guest_498]

Oh yer, I responded to your other thread too.

[Guest_498]

Hi Monkey_Magic,
I hope you're well. You are getting along with your dad now? It's good to know that he's no longer controlling you and that you are able to resume some sort of father/ daughter relationship. Control from any parent (father or mother) is never a good thing and makes life extraordinarily difficult. I understand parents want the best for us, but when controlling a person takes place, not allowing them to freely make thwir own choices, the boundaries are defs crossed. Breaking free from that can be hard, too. I've broken free now, but it took me a long time to really break free emotionally, mentally & spiritually. I was always asking and second guessing myself what I was doing would make my mum happy or whether she would approve. The level of control was absolutely toxic & suffocating.