new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Of course you hold no judgements, I wouldn't open up to you if I thought you were.
I'm hard on myself. I used to be so strong and now I feel completely weak and incapable. 😢😢

It's a strange thing to ask, perhaps. I opened up to my ex (7 months separation now), and he said "what happened to you isn't the worst thing that could happen to a person". Whether he said this to try make me feel better or was his attempt to challenge my anxiety. I suffer anxiety and sometimes I get so lost in it, I question whether I'm making a big deal over things. I don't believe that I am because I'm still suffering really badly.
I'm so sorry darl if my message came across as anything other than getting perspective from someone who has gone through so much 🙂
I'm such a head case right now. Lol. But rest assured, I just wanted perspective on your end with the strange question.

[ecomama]

Ohhh I think I see why you asked that lol.....

Well OFCOURSE what we went through either or both of us PUT TOGETHER hasn't been "the worst things anyone's been through" !!!

We are still breathing right?
Not that I thought THAT was a positive in my worst times either....

I don't like that he said that to you.... I think it stinks tbh.

There is no "Winner takes all" approach to traumatic events.
There is no Competition over who went through what.
Not should there be a "Score Board" either...
Yes this is anxious thinking...

And when others DON'T know what to say but feel they must say SOME THING then sometimes it's a really dumb thing they say lol.... hey no one's perfect right?

And tbh I've often said to my friends that they'd need multiple degrees in Psychology to know "the right thing to say" .... so pressure's off.

You ARE traumatised BECAUSE you went through a series of traumatic events.
Any one who disputes / disputed those facts is a numbskull.

And I'll just mention the OBVIOUS point that alot of this was instigated by FAMILY.
So the deep betrayal, the abandonment and now the emptiness of not having those people whom you thought loved you, around, would be and is a very sad and shocking experience in itself.

I get that!

Bluberry, please don't diminish or attempt to minimise the awful things that have happened to you - and by family.

Now you can rebuild your life - in as many ways possible.

You have choices over whether to report these events or leave it all and move on.

I wish you could get some specialist help with the trauma responses / PTSD but I completely understand why you can't.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hello my lovely,
I didn't like what he said to me either .. It made me really confused, given I have bad anxiety problems. It stinks but so was he in the end. I believe he said it not to make me feel better but because he didn't want to deal with my problems. I'm glad that relationship is over with. He was a numbskull.
I knew you would identify this was anxiety thinking. I had a feeling you'd pick up on that...little miss clever!!
I do have the choice to report, and I chose to Ems. I desperately want, hope & pray that the truth comes out. Its going to be a hard & painful task but I need to do this, even though I don't think I'm strong enough. I know you'll have my back and your unswerving support. Just kinda wish I had you as a friend in person. ❤❤
I rang my mum an hour ago and said "I pray for the truth to come out" "I pray that you go to prison" and hung up. Clearly, I'm not coping.
As for professional help, that'll come Ems. I just need time.
Love xx

[ecomama]

Hello dear Bluberry

Yeah I'm glad that person (ex) is out of your life.

Your call to your mum! Heavens. I guess it's gotta come out SOME how lol.

Please be careful. If your mum reports you then I know what Police will say to her ... "get a voice call recording app". As they said to me.

Now all schtum okay?

You know, you can always phone a Helpline anonymously?
The BB Helpline were especially helpful re: referrals to whomever they thought would help me IRL.

I've found the 1800RESPECT line amazing.

You don't have to tell them your name. But you can have a real voice over the phone to listen and to provide whatever help they can.

Yes I wish I was IRL as a friend too. It can be a massive amount of paperwork to keep track of and I had a filing system better than my Lawyer lol - she told me I did. Darn shame.
Now it's all just a mess in the corner of the loungeroom waiting to be BURNT.
YEAH.... a chiminea on the balcony is AWESOME.

We are lighting it again tonight.

With a bit of help from the kids, I brought in another about 6sq metres to burn tonight and I CAN'T WAIT. Mind you we have about another 100sq metres to get rid of!
Aha the trees were way out of control lol. Plus the tree lopper killed some this year which I am NOT impressed about. So over time they will have to come down 😥😥. Sad.

I have been slow cooking two big beef briskets all day long on and off around trips for everything. I hope they cook in time now!

I put the recipe on the recipe thread if you want to have a squiz.

Alas it's an online friendship only unless I run into you lol. Bit hard since Victorians are locked away still.

How are you doing with all that?
Love EM

[Guest_498]

Ems,
At this stage, as I have nothing to do with her, I couldn't give a rats if she went to police. Wishing for truth & hope that she'll go to prison isn't something to go to the law with, unless she feels threatened. There was no malice or screaming involved. I was just matter of fact about it.
I tried searching for your cooking thread but couldn't. Where is it under? I looove, loove anything slow cooked. Brisket, beef cheeks. Yummo.
Lockdown is not good. It's pretty boring lol. TRY your hardest to run into me lol!! Who knows, we might meet someday - the world is a small place.
Hey Ems, I just wanted to say thank you to you for your ears, time and wonderful advice. You're really awesome like that. I really mean it. I don't think anyone has understood what I'm really going through. They would say "I understand what you're going through" without understanding, if that makes any sense.
Dinner tonight I might get some vietnamese pho (noodle soup). Its so yum & healthy to eat. Have you had it before?

[ecomama]

Oh you're fine.

Ummm I think my recipe thread is called Easy Peasy recipes lol in the wellbeing section.

I was going to call it Easy Peasy Recipeasys but thought it was silly enough the way it was lol.

Pho?
Oh Bluberry, I was born right near there where Pho originated lol.

Dear Bluberry.... I don't even KNOW if I understand what you're going through but similar experiences and a similar kindred spirit helps alot with empathy.

I've only been through "similar" events and we'll never be the same person but you have shown so much empathy towards me and others and this really helps us all feel more heard, validated and even understood. Certainly NOT alone.

It can be such a LONELY lonely road dealing with what we've dealt with.
I swore that no one could understand what I've been through... but if someone knows what PTSD feels like and has had similar family issues then we can feel more connected to that person.
That's why I feel connected to you and monkey_magic and mocha and others like Neerja and also Mara who's left BB now. And I miss her.

Otherwise I feel like a fish out of water in the community and even with my friends now.

Some of my friends are dying as you know, these and some others I've known for over 40 years.
Our love and connection comes from just standing there for all this time. Ups, downs, losses of the most dreadful types. Now facing death even. We don't need to talk. We simply love each other unconditionally. No pretence. No dressing up. No competition. No bs.

People you can relax with and totally be yourself with.

Like the girl gang here. It's a special thing when you can just blurt whatever you need to out.
It's really important to do that too.

I'm really grateful for your friendship.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: YD, family and recovery during a pandemic

YD is doing so well, I can barely believe that 2 months ago she was suicidal.
We could not find a children's SA psych (as they were all FULL which makes me sick to my soul)... she hasn't looked on the VS website to find one. She's been "too busy". Which leaves me in a limbo of sorts but I need to trust she'll let me know if she's feeling down again.

She has only had 2 friends over to our house once in about 3y.
She has invited 7 friends over tomorrow to do hair dying lol! We went and bought a rainbow of colours and bleach etc... I won't be doing it, THEY will.
So I'll get some fun snacks for them to munch on tomorrow.

Family is pretty hotchpotch but I think that's the nature of family after DV. The fractured nature. The constant reparations to relationships. Trying to heal from the lies told to all of us for years.

I think we're doing marvellously well considering.

Re: the pandemic. The horrible realisation I had very early on and heard it repeated on the radio was that many single parents, esp those in the aftermath of DV felt that nothing much had changed in their lifestyle due to the pandemic. Some even said that the world would now know what it felt like to be severely restricted. Have no choices. Feel under threat 24/7.

I agree.

I was totally devastated by the huge loss of life from covid. I watched the news many times a day.

But nothing much has changed for us personally even during the lock down, it felt like our previous "normal".

We knew how to "be". The family members who were most abused even found it comforting to be locked down and "safe" this time. The threat of covid was real but wasn't scaring us.

We know fear.
Risking getting covid was a lesser fear than what we lived through and all of us feel this way.

I guess unless you've lived through similar fears, it's near impossible to explain.

Hence we are doing fine with the covid restrictions.

We are Praying for you all.

EM

[monkey_magic]

Morning EM,

Aren't you a wonderful mum supplying the fun snacks.

I was quite deprived in childhood and remember feeling fear at times. I was definitely controlled by my father and had a strict upbringing. I can semi- relate. Really glad that's all behind me now and I can enjoy freedom.
Staying at home through covid did give me childhood flashbacks though.

It's great that you are all occupied in life and taking forward steps.

Makes my heart sing that another family has broken free. To overcome that obstacle is huge. We broke free and I had no contact with my toxic father for 7 years. At 67 he has now calmed down but lately has been very angry and it's true colours are showing again. I've had to again step away.

Difficult man he is.

I'm at day 6 of painting my paint by numbers waterfall... it's a big job and I'm enjoying it. It's a stunning painting.

I'm sure you've got another jam packed weekend ahead of you. Have fun along the way!

[Guest_498]

Hi Ems,
I'll respond soon.

[ecomama]

Oh dear monkey_magic.... the "father thing" - IDK, sometimes I really think people just don't grow up.

I saw you spent some time with him the other day but it didn't work out well.

Clearly you know that YOU are not the problem lol.
I'm glad you and your mum were able to break free.

The hardest thing with some abusive people (if not all IDK) is that they don't take any responsibility for their actions.

When victims take responsibility for EVERY THING.

That's SO lopsided lol. But we do think things are our fault until.... we get it.

How are you doing sweet girl?

Yes my weekend lol. Ugh I am waiting for a call back from the high school to report a teacher, blaming my child for their incompetence.

Seriously if I reported everything I saw or knew, I'd be reporting 24/7. Our society is a mess.

I'm a mandatory reporter so only report what's mandatory for me to report and also things that impact my children due to negligence or incompetence.

In fact my children AVOID choosing subjects that his teacher teaches, even if they wanted to do the subject. Pretty crap show.

I convinced one son to take his gf on a date tomorrow night, since he now has his license lol. He's in the habit of just needing to hang out here but now he's kind of FREE to do that but forgot.

I'll do my best to make the multiple heads hair dying day a fun thing. Found lots of old towels 😮 don't like the idea that they'll grab any towel for HAIR DYE 😏. I'll leave the snacks on the table and buy some fizzy then GET OUT OF THE WAY lol.

We have a party per weekend coming up for my multiple birth children's parties.
Lord knows.... I have so much cleaning up to do in the garden for those AND in the house.

They all have Trial exams too. So a modicum of stress hapnin here lol. Oh the fun of exams.
Wish they were never invented tbh.

Better get shopping and cleaning!

Love EM