new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Thanks for your support with the lockdown Ems - it didn't come as a surprise, as I've been watching the stats and curve. We weren't in single digit, so the likelihood of easing restrictions was next to none. I'm just desperately missing the beauty salons and ikea shopping. The click and collect is not quite the same.
I'm also worried about financials ... When the bank comes knocking on the door demanding mortgage payments. I wouldn't know what I'll do then. Feeling a bit helpless with this.

[ecomama]

Have you spoken with your bank?

My mortgage repayments reduced by about $150 / month. Not much compared to the entire mortgage per month but I'll take it ofcourse.

Are you working atm?

Oh and how's your new flatmate going?
I hope it's working out for you.

EM

[Guest_498]

No, I've yet to speak with the bank. I'm waiting on them to contact me when they want me to start paying again after moratorium. I'm not working atm, no. I'm happy to get anything at this stage...even cleaning aged care centres, although it's high risk for covid. I have no cleaning experience but the agency said that would be an ongoing job.
My flatemate is nice (I don't get too overly excited because I have trust issues with people given whats happened to me) but we seem to get along great when we talk. He's generally quite whilst I do most of the talking to break the ice. I expected that as he's a male. He's heavily into his recover & goes to AA meetings few times a week. He works with early starts and I see him in the evening. He's not in my hair day & night, which is fantastic. He likes his own space as well. I do too, although I can get bored being on my own all day, everyday. 🙂

[ecomama]

DEFINITELY a goer for work.

So many people I know are going into Aged Care training and disabilities work ie NDIS support work.

I'm glad the Govt made it very clear to keep people in their homes whether renting or buying.
There's a reprieve there at least.

I've gotta hit the sack, I'm beat. SO much gardening and heavy work the last few days.

Heavy week at work this week. Lots happening personally too.

Love to you and you all
EM

[Guest_498]

Most defs Ems. Anything will do at this stage.
You're such a valuable person here on this forum, you really are!! I say this because you take time to post your responses before hitting the sack, and late in the evening too. You're a sweetheart with a massive ❤. Perhaps Julia Gillard & Jeff Kennett ought to pay you for your contributions. Hehe.
Enjoy your day today.

[Guest_498]

Any way Ems, you now know my story with what happened to me with the organisation and my family - mainly my mum & sister. You can imagine what ive been through particularly in the last year since I've been drugged. I haven't looked into the statute of lim for drugging yet, as because this aspect will get nowhere (I believe) and will be a waste of time.
Q: do you think in the big scheme of things, given what others in life has gone through, that my case is grave? I just can't seem to move past this, no matter how much I try. 😢😢

[ecomama]

Dear Bluberry

What do you mean by "grave", do you mean doomed before it's really started?

I really have no idea!

I DO know that evidence carried far more weight than 'testimony' since from lawyer's mouths I constantly heard "everyone lies in Court" which was dim indeed since I had no intention of lying at all.

So with all that and what you know, you're at a fork in the road.

When I'm paralysed by not knowing which turn to take, I have a long talk with the ecomama 5 to 10 years from now.
Ask her questions.
Seek her guidance.

For me?
I couldn't NOT go full blazing saddles at what I was dragged in to.
I had to protect my most valuable gifts - my children.

Yours is a very different case but still fraught with emotional weight.

You'll have to ask yourSELF the questions.

Thankyou for your kind words. Another thread is all gung ho atm in similar ways to what I've been through, so I spend majority time there.

Lol, wouldn't mind meeting Jules and Jeff!

All good. It makes far more sense to me about what I've been through if I can help anyone at all, even a little bit.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,
Great to hear that one of your threads are going gang-busters!!! :-)
As I cannot move past my traumas, and in trying to minimise its impact, my question was do you think that the drugging is not all together that serious compared to what others have gone through? For example, assault, sexual assault, framed for serious crime etc. It's all a tragedy of life and mine is one of them. I just want to move forward with my life, Ems.
Love xx

[ecomama]

Ummm that's a strange thing to ask....

Why do you need to compare your experience of the trauma and abuse to others' whether "more serious" or not?

I'm not sure why you asked that?

If you are deeply thinking about leaving the potential "cases" behind then DO think about it and no one says you have to go forward with anything.

I am NOT comparing what I've been through compared to you.
That would be an awful thing to do and a totally empty pursuit.

Trauma is trauma end of. Different types of trauma are felt by different people differently and also our varied paths of recovery are personal and can be very different also.

I just Pray people DO recover! Enough at least to feel happiness and joy in their lives.

I hold ZERO judgement on others for reporting or not reporting.

It's not MY life.
It's theirs.

Please don't think I think you have to report all this.
You don't.

This decision is entirely up to you.
And as I said to another lady on here, the Court system is not "nice" in ANY way shape or form.

I had no choice but to enter it all though. I HAD to protect my children. If I walked away with nothing left at all but my children, I still would have Thanked God for that Blessing.
It was the WORST of situations that I was saving them all from.

But that's MY story (or part of it).

YOURS is just as valid and if you feel the need to embark on Courts etc then go ahead and do that.

I guess what I'm saying is that whatever your decisions are or may be in to the future, I'll still support you lol.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hey,
I'm just not coping well. I just don't know if my case will get anywhere as it hasn't the first time 'round. Feeling hesitant.
Youve misread my messages, the question I asked was because some part of me wants to get over this s@#t. I guess I'm trying to minimise it so that I may cope.
I don't know what to do .. I want to fight this injustice so hard but it's hurting me so much.
Love xx