new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara, oh what a sweetheart calling his mama. You DO need lots of love and support right at this time. If you don't get it, please give it to yourself.

I'm so glad you're having a psych appointment, THAT'S loving yourself and giving yourself what you need.

You are SO going to make it through this time Mara and be stronger than ever after this year. I just KNOW it.

I'm super glad I kept my Counsellor going throughout the STP therapy. My appointment with her is tomorrow morning. She's free of cost because of particular reporting to a particular Royal Commission and I haven't tried to find out if the psych would also be free, I was in too much of a hurry to wait tbh.

I can find out later if needs be.

My Counsellor is like a compassionate MH Qualified friend lol. A bit like a BIG Koala mama air hugging me at a physical distance lol. She can pull me back from triggering but I wasn't actually "healing" the inner most parts that kept the triggers alive. IDK if they're gone yet ofcourse... I can feel bubbles but that I'm pretty sure that's anxiety only. I haven't triggered since Sunday on the long weekend. SO STRANGE - such a really weird "realm" to be in. Counsellor allows ME to steer the sessions. Mostly she listens and then pops in with constructive feedback - maybe a strategy or 2. SHE was the sole reason alone that I could reverse (maybe fully IDK yet) the thorough job of Parental Alienation done on all my children. She's more like a Nurse in all departments.

My STP is more like an American ute sized Rhino in her approach! SHE has her BLOCKS of knowledge to impart in a HURRY. It's outlined from the second we start. It's URGENT for her to integrate me so I don't go to dissociation as a psychological protection strategy. She checks EVERY tiny bit of homework lol! No avoiding nuttin'. She PUSHES SO HARD. She does SUDS scores regularly during exposure therapy and one before we start and 10mins before we end the session and in the last minute. EVERYTHING is timed. (She reminds me of me in my "assessment phase" of my work lol). She is more like a Cardiac Surgeon. "Gotta get this op done quickly and get this patient into recovery".

So I need both lol.

I'm reading "Anxiety" by Dr Mark Cross I think - an Australian Psychiatrist who has GAD his whole life.
It's a great read so far.

Btw S is "ok" - we're buying whitegoods together this week so no outback move on the horizon yet lol.

With you all the way sister
Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: between Sessions 5/6. Trigger warning.

Woke up struggling this morning. Son woke me saying he's going to school. He wasn't supposed to until we got a Drs clearance letter which they don't give. Anyway he's almost an adult, as I've said to them for years, you don't "turn into" an adult on your 18th birthday, you BECOME an adult slowly by taking responsibility for decisions from a much younger age (in my house). THEN take the consequences of your decisions. But I still cop the consequences. Others don't hold my philosophy of parenting lol.

Another child is home unwell today. I had to change my Counsellor appt to phone.

L driving to school. Stopped at the shops for things but forgot some. I got shaky/wobbly at this. I drove home anyway for my appt. Now I'm about a 7/10 wobbly. Not good.

Oh yeah, it's gonna be "one of those days"! The one when you wish you didn't get out of bed lol. But not avoiding so here it lays ahead. I've had 3 calls GP, Insurance Co, Counsellor. Only answered Counsellor. She'd left 4 messages yesterday & on Monday was quite anxious that I hadn't responded. She needed to do a Covid check. Anyway I'm only having a phone appt. 9/10.

But this morning I realised something - typos galore as I reach a 9/10.

INSTEAD of holding strong to the schedule (as I previously used to do, then got into PTSD) I need to breathe OUT and just go with the flow today, keep a rational mind working - so I'm concentrating on my frontal lobe to keep processing, touching my forehead, rubbing it - moving to the frontal lobe. Working to keep the amygdala wrapped up. I don't need my amygdala activated, it can rest, poor overworked thing!

I am SAFE. I can breathe, see nature, name things, hear things. It's ok. Have a sleep myggie lol.

I realised that I could not save my little brother. He died anyway even though I desperately wanted him to live. I loved him so much. Jesus didn't save him. I was angry with God. He was so beautiful, lovely blond hair & a smile like sunshine. But he died.
I know now that's why I do what I do. I KNOW now why I've needed to save children. It's my work. It's my life & probably a huge part of my identity.

PTSD & anxiety don't have to be part of my identity & I must be, have to be IDK will be? ready to let that go. Make new neural pathways, which give me 'concussion', makes me tired & is giving me strange bad dreams.

My mind is the only thing I will have till I die. It's a sanctuary to care for and give health to.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I'm sorry today has been a rough day. I read your statement "I am safe etc" I say the same things to myself when I'm in a PTSD trigger. You have the strength & the clarity as well as the awareness to protect & nurture yourself on days like today. I am confident you will make new neural pathways, your dedication to your MH is admirable.

I am so sorry about your little brother. Life is so tough sometimes. I can see how much you loved him from what you wrote. Sending you a big cyber hug.

I have mention my psych appt in my response to you on my thread. I won't go into it again, other than to say that I am blessed to have such a kind, compassionate psych. In many ways he's like your counsellor but he also has the skills that your STP has, mind he is much gentler with me that it sounds your STP is with you. In reading about your STP I admire you sticking with it & I'm glad it's working for you. I know for myself because of the violence & the abuse I've experienced if someone comes at me like an American Ute sized Rhino (Love your description Lol) and certainly I have had therapists and Drs like that in the past, it triggers me big time. I immediately disassociate, can't speak, I completely shut down. My psych generally uses a gentler approach with me, he'll confront me when necessary but as a rule it's gentle, gentle and it works for me. It's taken me years to feel safe enough to deal with all the trauma and I can only deal with it now because of the trust I have in him. But we're all different and I'm glad your STP is working for you and that you still have the counsellor for the gentle Koala air hugging Mama therapy. It sounds like a good balance to me.

Good luck with the whitegoods purchasing. I know that doing that type of thing has been triggering for you in the past. So proud of you and S for reaching the point where you can do this. Go girls.

Sending much love to you.

Mara

[ecomama]

Thankyou Mara

IDK I think Sophie and I are making you run a marathon here lol! Whatever works to pull you through this time.

Honestly? My Counsellor is shocked that the psych is like a bull at a gate with me. STP warned me that she pushes HARD and asked me if I was in for it. She promised to be there for me, except for that thunderous Sunday on the long weekend, I haven't needed her.

I said YEP! Whatever is needed.

My Counsellor also said today "There's no hurry" and I had to say "Actually STP said she IS in a hurry".

The dark cloud looming of my best friend dying is making her know we're in a hurry. Returning to work in 4 weeks is also hurrying her up.

As strange as this "realm" is, I couldn't go on like I was. My heart is beating faster remembering myself 2 months ago.

I look out to the silhouette of the HUGE gum tree as it sits against the dark blue night sky, I can see the lights shining on the water, I can hear the cars driving by on the road down there. I feel safe.

I want this feeling for you Mara. I know it's coming.

I call on my ancestors for courage. Do you know about any of your ancestors Mara? Not your parents nah, others further back.

We can talk about them here or in our other loungeroom lol.

I'm not avoiding per se. I cleaned out my hallway of built up clothing to give away. The kids grow so fast. ALL of them are much taller than me lol! I am rewashing some, dog's hair yuck!
I have a bag for son's gf 9 siblings lol!
A bag for some homeless people nearby with the boys workboots they grew out of. I scrubbed them clean today and dried them in front of the air con.
About 5 garbage bags of School Uniforms for S to sell online and keep the money. YES 5. Mental.

S took 6 garbage bags of rubbish back to her place last night because her bins are always empty.

I got in trouble from the Council (neighbours reporting ugh) for burning dead branches etc AND the VERY night I got that letter both neighbours were burning off.
Mmmmm.
I'm sweet to their faces lol.

Anyway I decided to DO WHAT THEY DO and move my chiminea to my balcony and cook some BIG FAT marshmallows with the grandchildren on the weekend. YES THE MONKEYS are coming to Ss house and here grrr. Oh boy have my kids and their girlfriends got words to say to them lol! The little kids adore the big kids and the big kids were SO HURT that they said what they said.
They'll be sweet about it but VERY pointed.

Discipline time. Then marshmallows lol.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I admire you continuing your work with the STP. It is testament to your commitment. I am so glad you still have your counsellor as well, it seems like a nice balance. I have to tell you when you said that your STP said she is in a hurry... well I know she & I would not be able to work together. I would clam up not because I want to, it would trigger me big time. I struggle with specialists who are like that & I know when I've had push therapists in the past it has had detrimental effect on me. I am so glad she's working for you. It just goes to show that we are all different and what will work for one may not for someone else.

I am so sorry about your friend. Cancer is a curse. I found out today that one of my friends has stage 4 cancer. She was very emotional. I just sat with her & listened. Offered her support. Not much more I can do. Just feel for her she has had a really tough life & now this.

My ancestors, I'm from a long line of strong, independent women. Mind they probably needed therapy more than I do & that saying something LOL.

Still feel fragile today but marginally better since contacting the PM's office. It's on my thread.

Yes kids do grow fast. No children in this house but I cleaned out our wardrobes before we put the house on the market. I went through and culled a lot of stuff in our cupboards. That said, before we shift I'm going to have to cull some more. I have no idea how I'm going to find the strength and energy to do it but it has to be done.

I feel for S. Hopefully it won't be too long before her children see through their father's actions. So tough when you're in it. Glad she has her siblings to quietly have a word with her children. Hopefully it will help.

Well I'm off to organise dinner. It might be Monday before I'm in the head space to chat again.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Love

Mara x

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Well what a HUGE week in our family.

Last night eldest daughter saved her client's life. The lady is incapacitated. It was not Ss work day at all. But lady texted her asking S to drive up and see what was going on. The house was full of gas. It's completely locked 24/7. The cat was lifeless but revived. The lady was drifting in and out of consciousness.

Someone else left the gas on.

So that's the major one. S acted perfectly in this situation as you and I would too. We're all over this stuff aren't we?

2. ALL grandkids arrived at Ss last night saying they loved her so much and will always go between houses even when they're adults. Lucky for them lol, we all had our little talks prepared. I saw them for a short while today little monkeys. LOTS of hugs hmmmm.

3. S managed to firmly set boundaries with her gmother. Surprisingly this has worked so far.

4. S managed to change her work schedule to suit her life more and took on another client.

5. Other children are doing okay. I got support for them for exams at school this week. They're afraid their dad will come into exams when they're not looking and hurt them.

6. I got my late taxes in and helped my accountant get another $1500 on top of her good work - I had to get a new accountant. Anyway it will ALL go to the Govt lol. That's a few thousand less than I have to pay back. All good.

7. I bought all the appliances I needed here. In 20y I've bought a cheap dishwasher once - nothing else like this.
Today I bought everything we needed.

This will help set us up for me only having 3d per week pay soon. I will need to prepare and cook a lot more food from scratch. The triggers have gone in the kitchen. Actually the whole upstairs. Getting into the cupboards is a novel feeling lol.

I'll be growing more of our own food too, but that's enjoyable now too.

I'll be delving into the dungeon of downstairs next lol. NOT avoiding. I know alot of stuff is down there that is triggering and ALOT MORE has been stolen, which is triggering in itself. I have little idea of exactly what has been stolen. Anyway I'll find out as I go through it. Too bad too sad, we still have a home so that's the GOOD part!

I also need to tackle other things I've avoided, so I'll begin all that next level stuff tonight.

I have a deadline now for doing some home renovations. All good.

Take all the time you need. GOOD LUCK with your Open Home tomorrow!!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: between sessions 5 & 6. No avoiding.

Strange feelings set in before last session. Mind numbness, confusion, feelings of walking in strange territory. I felt lighter and freer. If I AM getting "mentally well" then this could be a VERY new experience & if I couldn't go comfortably into this "realm" then I would slip back into what I knew, the same mind habits of well established PTSD and Anxiety etc.

My brain needs to WORK THIS hard to create new neural pathways in the rational, normal area ie in my frontal lobe (I was wondering if it WAS normal & asked psychs for feedback and they said my reactions to things were 'normal' so this was surprising enough)... I imagined pushing all my thoughts & blood flow thru my frontal lobe. Doing this on repeat.

I imagined soothing myggie (my amygdala) wrapping it up to have a sleep.

I need to allow my brain to do the synaptic pruning of the old feedback loops of habit. Force my brain is a better description.

With lack of direction, I meditated on being. Then developed those other brain visualisations.

STP was unable to explain this realm to me. Psych friend & Dr Joe Dispenza had some explanations. But I worked out my own way.

Dreams have always been a thing for me.

This week I had a dream of offender assaulting me. I felt no pain, nor did I flinch, because my cat didn't move, my arm was around him for hours. I woke with a black eye.
I had another similar dream but we were out in the streets & have had stomach issues since that dream. My stomach is really bloated & I am yearning for a change.

I believe that it's not ONLY my brain that has to adjust but my BODY must too. Mind and body are connected.

I'm pushing those safe, normal mind exercises & meditations through to my whole body.

I know that dis-ease is created by being uneasy with things. I have felt the pull back to my previous "normal" which wasn't normal just trying to cope. I'm not physically well - trembling & discomfort in my middle.

I'm changing my diet. Yesterday I ate better. Gluten free.
Today I ate 2 oranges from my organic garden for breakfast. Reducing then eliminating sugar. I only have decaf coffee but am cutting this out. I am replacing black tea / decaf with hot ginger drinks & lemon grass & lemon juice infusions from my garden. Honey when I can source local honey.

I need to have the Mirena taken out. I'm not on any meds.

I bought lots of organic fruit & veg today. I'm taking liposomal Vit C.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Family conflict

Add Depression.

Yesterday my adult children (AC) & grandchildren came over. Normally when it's just me & the kids who live at home, we all get along really well. Conflict & issues arise from time to time, we talk about it, usually resolution then or that day. Most of the time it was just a miscommunication. We sort it. We have a calm life even though it's demanding, high pressure and full.

BUT then the ACs come over.

My parenting is never quite 'up to scratch' in their (perfect parenting) eyes.

I've asked ACs to respect me & my parenting of my OWN children in my own home. They are SIBLINGS only.

So one child brought up a series of issues he's facing. I know more about these issues being his mother. But omg ACs took over & overwhelmed the child. He left the table with tears welling up. I hugged him & said we'd talk later.
NOT good enough for ACs, so I started to cop all sorts from all directions. WHAT THE.....

They all began to pack up to leave! I was in tears by then & asked how many months before they talk to me again? Do I get 1, 3 or 6 months 'punishment'? This is what they do. Give me the silent treatment for MONTHS because they KNOW how much this hurts me & the kids, it's HORRIBLE.

They actually said THE WORST things to me last night. It shows they've made up their minds that I was ALSO a co-conspirator to the worst crimes against my children. I was shocked & disgusted. They don't even KNOW me & I don't know them.

The abusers gas-lighted, mind-effed & smoke screened the ACs & had them completely convinced that I did what they were actually doing.

I was devastated. Blown apart. Still can't believe it. Depression thundered in & took over. My old companion for years.

Today I bought lots of desserts for dinner wearing sunglasses because my eyes look like swollen boulders. 8 for dinner, just the kids that live at home & some girlfriends. I also bought healthy food lol, I made fruit salad.

I don't know HOW they cannot SEE how well the kids are doing. It's not MAGIC! It's freaking hard damned work. MY HARD WORK 24/7.

I'll have a bath today, listen to Dr Joe & Kristen my 2 new best friends lol.

I'll put my seriously easy recipe I'm cooking tonight on the recipe thread.

I need to set CLEAR RULES about their attendance at our HOME and they are not welcome back until THEY AGREE. They are out of line and out of control.

We have had enough.

EM

My MH if it's that at all, is SO fragile.

[Croix]

Dear Ecomama~

I don't know why I'm trying to tell you these things, you are more than wise enough to know them already, maybe hearing them from someone else will help with the pain a smidgen.

I guess if younger people are brought up by others they will naturally tend to take on board what they say - no matter how absurd, and the people involved have vested interests in vilifying you.

As you say the ACs do not know you

They have a great deal of angst inside them, it is spilling over and are - as people do - looking to blame somebody, preferably the easiest.

Under those fraught mental conditions they are not going to notice evidence of your good motherhood in your own household, they are too fixed in their path of blame.

I doubt that either clear rules could be agreed and then adhered too, their emotions are to great

You have different personality from me - you have more fight in you I think. I try to look how to make thngs within my own small sphere of influence as good as I can, you not only do that but try to meet the most difficult matters outside it head-on, and are understandably hurt when your efforts, which you know are just and kind, meet meet with venom, injustice and cruelty.

In a way you are not battling your ACs, but the years of propaganda they have been fed by others. Talking and reasoning with the ACs themselves may not do that, particularly in the framework of not living together where unconscious impressions can take root and make long-held beliefs questioned.

I think if it was me I'd be most distressed at the lack of kindness and consideration, not only for you, but your children that was displayed. A parent's genes do not always surface

I'm not sure their absence is a punishment (yes I realise about the grandkids)

Now, important decision over the cool shades when outside making purchases, Edna or Elton?

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Croix, I'd do ANY shades at all... hand-me-ups, hand-me round shades whatever! Elton or Edna would be grand. Thankyou for making me chuckle again.

The sad thing is that I DID raise my ACs. But they have been far more influenced by the abusers, sadly. One an ex partner of theirs who sided with the abuser from here, others my family, whom I realise were told insane stories about me by my own mother. It's a train wreck.

The abusers all made false reports to Police, my employers, FACS, God only knows who else. I only have evidence of the 1st 3. ZERO action taken against me, PLENTY of surprise welfare checks - I had no idea why Police were doing them. Then I get to Court & see decades of reports against me, ZERO action taken because there was NO action to be taken against ME. Pure evil making false reports trying to destroy me not only vilify me. It almost worked too.

Indeed kindness & compassion that myself and my younger children show them all was not returned last night.
Some of my son's girlfriends have known me almost all their lives. One calls me mum. I can't even tell them all what was said to keep my youngest Ds privacy. My sons know & they were in tears last night in disbelief.
THEY saw what happened alot here when the ACs left home.

Another thing? My sons here want to go into Policing & Law.
This INFURIATES ACs. So add lack of respect to the list.
I was upset at the Police choice years ago only because of high risk & that they passed over more creative pursuits for protective ones. But we finally got protection. Younger children saw this unfold & have been so grateful. I am forever grateful.

All my children's choices are their own. My job is to support their OWN choices, not to manipulate etc.

Youngest D said through tears last night that we'd all be dead if I didn't do what I did ie remove all abusers from our lives. I agree we would, it was that close.

Anyway one of the last things yelled at me by ACs last night, that I didn't report FOR THEM, was that I did. I just shut the door but sent that text last night that I was damned by them if I didn't and damned by them if I did. SO I DID. But to no avail. They are adults & must report themselves.
No response, so I agree maybe we get some peace here.

Almost 3 weeks without a PTSD trigger. Not sure if I did last night. I may have dissociated. I know I was distraught so maybe not lol. Who knows where my MH is atm.

Thankyou Croix
Love EM