new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

My Prayers are with you during this solemn time. Indeed we feel the huge loss on a cellular level. Ofcourse we do. It's just not fair.

Maccas breakfasts could be a great alternative to cleaning up with open homes... just sayin' DH.

Do you do a Remembrance ritual?
This REALLY helped me. I have a number of them when needed. Holding presence with yourself is SO important. I'm present with you regardless. HUGS.

I know the toxicity of our parents. I'm realising more.... not triggering, which is strange but I'll take it.
I realised today that my father didn't press charges against my mother for her brutal assault on him BECAUSE he didn't want to take US! She would have been in jail for a very long time. EVERYONE would have expected he take us, he didn't want us. This is GOOD because I have the power he never had, I sh** all over him as a parent.

What a dirtbag lol!!! Shame some expletives cannot be daintily expressed hmmmm.

Good grief, realising this was like a HUGE oxygen cloud emanating from me. TOTAL RELIEF. He was a wolf dressed in sheep's clothing. Claiming victim bs while he left his children in the care of a known monster.

I actually feel lighter.

This must have been such a burden on me all these years.

I should have known when he didn't want to give me away on my Wedding Day.... insert swear words.
He had no other daughters. Good thing too. He didn't deserve children. He EVEN disowned my disabled brother.

Explains my career even more 😉

We are different.
We have ALL the compassion our parents were void of. Voids of any humanity.

Calm waters now Mara.
We can move forward knowing we did our absolute best.

My psych friend thinks my psych thinks I have Avoidant Personality Disorder lol. Oh dear, here we go again.
That's okay, she thought I DIDN'T have PTSD after our first session. Then completely changed her mind when she analysed the Keffler and my responses to her huge questionnaire.

Oh and she thought I must be engaging in high risk behaviours in the absence of drug and alcohol. Eye roll.

Oh well she plans on sending me another assessment to do. Whatevs, I'm in it boots and all.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

You are so right it is unfair. I not only lost my boy I lost my family as it was & myself. I found a letter recently that I wrote to a Psychiatrist that I had clashed with. I smiled reading it I had so much spunk. What happened then I looked at the date it was 6 months before I lost my son. My boys & I were a tight unit. Then my son dies & my other son can't deal with pain so he avoids any discussion around his brother which makes it so hard for me. There are so many wonderful memories we have that I can't discuss around him. I honestly think that is why I can't find a place of peace. I can't make my son deal with it he has to do it at his own pace. Just makes it hard for me.

Re: a memorial I scattered my son's ashes in the ocean. To get to where I scattered them it's an hrs drive & a ferry ride. On his anniversary I go there I use to release balloons but haven't in recent years because of the environment. I now scatter rose petals into the ocean. My son died in winter & I scattered his ashes in spring. The ferry trip is often rough in winter. Last year my DH & I decided not do it on his anniversary & instead go on the day I scattered his ashes. That was a huge mistake. I had a dreadful day last year. Flashbacks all day This year my son asked me what was I doing. I thought yeah he's talking about his brother. He said perhaps we can do something together. Then changed the subject. I brought it up a few days later & he said he'd get back to me. He rang me last week to tell me they are going camping that weekend he forgot it was his brother's anniversary & perhaps we can do something on another day. I'm not bringing it up again. He avoids anything emotionally painful. He is in counselling I just hope that one day he'll deal with it. For his sake as much as my own.

Re: Maccas my son that passed told me once about how a homeless person had asked him for some money my son didn't give him any instead he took him into Maccas & shouted him a meal. He had such a good heart.

My Dad sounds similar to yours. I joked with him once about doing something to him that Mum had done to us. He said no way he thought what Mum had done was cruel but he never stopped her. What a gutless piece of s..t

Thank God we broke the cycle for our kids.

Good for you for throwing yourself into work your STP sends you. I've always believed that if your going to do therapy then you've got to be prepared to do the work as painful as it can be sometimes.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara.... DARN IT, I just wrote about how I appreciate your HONESTY and now I'm gonna have to COME CLEAN to you lol! Ughhh.

I haven't done my Homework this week. My STP session is tomorrow and oh IDK what can I say? It is what it is?

No scolding now please lol. I will do the recording in the morning AND listen to it.
My STP told me last week that I was her first patient that DIDN'T go THROUGH till the end of the exposure therapy.
Awww I'm a FIRST at some thing! yay lol.

Seriously, I can make up all the excuses in the world. Truth is I hate it. But I'll do it. I only asked one of my children tonight HOW to voice record on my phone. I guess I preferred to HAVE a Happy UnBirthday party and I am SO GLAD I DID because the ungrateful little monsters (grandchildren) told my darling S today that they want to live with their father full time.

Um. My answer is NO. S is devastated. I'm not giving in or giving up. Not for me but for THEM. S said she's ready to sell everything and run. I asked her to give it 2 years.

Dad lets them eat lollies till almost midnight and watch whatever movies they like. Screens 24/7.
Well too bad.
Nah not hapnin.

Ugly stuff parental alienation. Disgusting.

Yep YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED to do on the DAYS you need to do them on. Not DHs and not sons. YOURS. This is YOUR grief and pull this in to what you know needs to happen. I know DH is only watching out for you. And son is moving on with his life and I'm glad he has a Counsellor - no harm meant to you at all etc.

But this stuff is your timely cycle that needs to be respected. It cannot be blown all PTSD over the place.

I've noticed with myself that on 'wobbly days' or times, I need routine to hold. If it's not and my mind is going unchecked then yeah dumpers. Horrible.

I remember once you said that you fight to hold on to your MH progress. Well THIS is one of those periods of times that you KNOW is tremendously difficult. You KNOW what you must do and thankyou for saving the environment. What date is it on if you are okay sharing?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Pre-session 5

I used every excuse known to peoplekind to avoid doing the STP homework that I was only marked a 5.5/10 on lol. If my STP thinks that THAT mark scares me, pfft it doesn't. I virtually failed ALL through school but I have answers to that too thanks to this forum... you bet PTSD & trauma adversely affects cognitive functioning & TODAY I understand more about that than even yesterday. yay.

I know today that I make myself do things through promising myself. It's bad. That's TOP DOWN & full of pressure.
I want to develop pathways to believe that I do things for my own self worth - a very difficult concept. This is BOTTOM UP & I like it far better. Now to turn this upside down I guess.

I did the usual morning stuff, one child at home with headaches, mismanaged breakfasts, lunch orders just because, Ls driving to school, cancelling / making appointments - feed chickens, dog, cat.

THEN no excuses. I felt ill at the thought of this homework. I was fighting with my mind to sit down & do it. Making excuses out my ears.

I typed the full Exposure for private emails, 4 pages. Full bodily reactions written in the present tense. Then I had to Voice record it. I read it on the recording & I definitely had ALL the reactions & became very distressed, crying then sobbing. I realised all the thoughts I had. It's hard core stuff and the content would need a Trigger Warning!!!! mmm.

SO there it is.

Then I had to listen to it... it MUST be in the morning as per STP directions. I was running out of time so I listened to it.

Same reactions all over again.

I thought "well I may as well OPEN the freaking email now" so I did.

The first email was my mortgage being reduced. :-0 ok good start...
A trillion junk emails - so I started Unsubscribing to ALL the Court lists. ALL the Legal helping sites. Everything I don't need right now.
I deleted as I went & got back to November last year before the dog wanted Second Breakfastes. I did that & checked on my blind chicken.

I found a package at the front door, my Kristen Neff Self-Compassion handbook AND YES! I DID order the Dr Joe Dispenza CD set called "MEDITATIONS for Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself" LOL.

I realised this morning that I only have 4 weeks of leave left & a strike of panic sliced through my body.
Then I settled myself realising how much I miss work. I checked my work email & it's great.

Work IS avoidance for me.
In caring for me, my garden & family I will only return part time.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Lol, nothing wrong with a little procrastination. I've certainly done that myself in relation to homework in the past. I certainly would never scold you. Your commitment to your MH is admirable & there is nothing wrong with you not wanting to complete your homework.

Lol love your attitude re: the STP's mark. Your human & sometimes with all the trauma we're dealing with we need a break.

My heart goes out to you crying while you listened to your recording. Such hard work your doing. I hope you did something nice for yourself afterwards.

Pleased your package arrived safely.

I know exactly what you mean about work being an avoidance. I usually keep myself so busy that way I don't have to feel. Not that I feel, I'm usually numb. It would be such a relief to cry.

I'm glad your returning part-time, that seems like a good balance with everything else you have on.

I have some good news. My son phoned yesterday. He and his wife have decided to go camping a day later so that we can go out for dinner on the 3/7. It's not my son's anniversary that day, he died on the 5/7 but he collapsed on the 3rd. He was on life support for 3 days before we took him off. Those 3 days are always tough for me so I'm grateful that my son has made the effort to be present for one of those evenings. I've let him handle all the arrangements, I think it's important for him to do that. I just expressed my appreciation that he's decided to do something and organised it.

I'm so sorry S is going through all that with her kids. I know how hard that is, I went through it with my ex. Honestly these type of men infuriate me. It takes more to being a father than just doing the act. I wish that some men could put the children's welfare above point scoring but sadly it seems many of them would rather do anything to make life as difficult as possible for the mother. I just feel for the kids.

My MH has not been good. I mentioned in my thread that I emailed my Psych and organised an appt for tomorrow. I am trying to focus on what I need to do over worry about the finances, and my feelings of inconveniencing my Psych, which is ridiculous but that's me.

Well I'll leave it there.

Hope you managed to do something nurturing for you today.

Love

Mara

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM, how are you going with ur homework and psychologist?

Sounds like you're going through a lot of realisations and doing a lot to keep yourself well
You are inspiring and intelligent - good for you. Being proud of yourself as a parent is something very special. I think it's amazing how much you commit to that role.

I feel deep in my heart I have the capacity for unconditional love etc and hpe to be able to give it a child one day. Love seems to break these cycles.

Keep doing the good work. x love sleepy

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara, I'm so comforted to know that your son changed his plans to be with you on the 3/7. That makes my heart warm. Answers to Prayers. I'm glad you'll be together. xxxx

I managed to have a long nap after making dinner for everyone. Another child is unwell and will need to get a Covid test and hopefully a clearance before being allowed to return to school. I can't imagine how I would have coped with skyrocketing anxiety and wild PTSD and working and sick kids.

We almost had another child move in tonight. Man it makes me angry when parents kick their kids out onto the street and in the middle of Winter. Kids, they're only kids. We already have a nearly full time child here and she triggered over dinner with the situation. Her mother kicked her out years ago. She lives here mostly, little darling. Her dad neglects her. She calls me mum and needs long hugs, food, warm clothes, all clothes, love, talks. I wash her clothes and pick her up late from work. It's so sad Mara. It breaks my heart, I'm not having much trouble crying lately!

Remarkably the anxiety and PTSD have settled down alot.

And S. Thank goodness I took leave.

A strange thing happened that I know you know about. I had a horrible dream last night about some of the physical abuse that happened during the hellfire marriage. In my dream it was happening again, I couldn't move but I felt no pain from it during the dream. In reality my cat was sleeping inside my arm and didn't move all night. So I wasn't actually moving.

I woke up with a black eye, it was sore. I showed my psych today but she couldn't explain it - but I knew.

We went shopping for hours yesterday and out to a restaurant. Zero gardening for days. I didn't run into anything. Or hit myself. Nothing. I would know lol.

It's bruised in strange places... at each end of my eye. Not all over it. It's a physical reaction.

Anyway my lovely friend one day at a time.

Lots of love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy, you're so sweet, thankyou. Ofcourse you have the unconditional love for a child. You are going to turn things around and nothing will be the same as what we experienced. My sadness comes from knowing it was worse in some ways for my own children, but not from me.

It was my choice of partners that was bad.

I hope you can work through things so you SEE red flags and dump bad ones quickly lol! I did that too but some people are Wolves dressed in sheep's clothing. The worst.

Are you asking about my Homework Miss? Ughh I put it off to the nth degree lol. Smashed it out this morning fast.

I'm not lying when I say it was HORRIBLE. My eyes have been swollen all day from crying so much this morning doing the exposure therapy 3x by myself. Once in full written form. Awful lol. Then I had to voice record myself going through it. THEN listen to it.

Seriously I though if I'm going through all this sh** then I may as well open my email - which is what the triggers were over.

So I did MORE than the STP asked me to do.

In the past week I have noticed a very noticeable change. I AM dealing with things more normally. Such a different world and foreign too. I've had nanoseconds of fear over it.

I really need to create new neural pathways so I can get into the groove, IN A HURRY. Apparently this is a critical time (psych friend told me)... sometimes we are SO USED to a way of being / reacting that we slip back into it. I can feel that PULL at times.

Acceptance is what I'm practising. Just BEING. Feeling the comfort of a nice new bean bag type of feeling.

But what a week. Sick kids. Grandkids rejecting their mother - my own child. My best friend only telling me her aggressive cancer has returned. Jesus. I realised today that she is the ONLY thing that has been consistent in my life since we were 9yo. NO ONE & nothing else. She has 3 children and a bad partner. I cannot believe this but she has 2 sisters, one lost her 17yo son in a car crash this year. The other has MH issues and cannot cope. Their dad passed late last year. Their mum has multiple brain tumours. wtf. Now my friend. It's just a nightmare looming & she only wants me to know.

Plus dealing with disgusting emails detailing the abhorrent abuse my children suffered - that I need to READ and sign off on AND mail back. I really don't know how I'm going to do this. My Psych thought this was all in the past but it's not and could go on for years.

Thanks for letting me vent! lol. Hugs.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: STP Session 5

Note to self and others lol: when you psych tells you to do something straight away then that's a GOOD idea!

I put off the hardest part of my homework until the last minute and woah it was a very difficult day.

I did do the other parts and more: WITHOUT wanting to run away - which was strange.
* I did go to Bunnings straight after our last session and bought what I needed.
* I went to the whitegoods store all by myself that was near 2 offenders work places.
* I held space with my best friends as she told me she was dying.
* I held space with S over 3 days as she told me her children have all rejected her and she wanted to sell up and move outback.
* I dealt with some difficult calls.
* I did the exposure therapy.
* I took charge and cancelled STP session next week and put it off till the sessions could be in clinic.

Plus dealt with the needs and lives of 4 almost 5 children here. Some being sick. That's the easy part! We have 12 appointments for them and me this week. It's busy.

My leave was perfect timing. I needed this therapy more than I even realised. Back then I didn't know the things to come with eldest daughter, nor my best friend's cancer returning and my brother and his wife struggling due to their disabilities.

S straightened up and set boundaries with my mother and her employer - amazing. She got more work via neighbour - awesome. She's changed her Uni Course. Bought a vacuum lol.

Anyway STP said I should be fine with emails now lol! OK! And her major message to me was NOT to avoid doing anything. Just do it. I need to note if I am avoiding anything due to triggers.

I did procrastinate. I got it done in the end.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Well done! I have on occasion been a procrastinator in the past but for years now I have hated the anxiety that I go through when I procrastinate. I know though that it takes a lot of courage to face up to these triggers. You lovely lady are truly courageous.

Your home definitely sounds like a safe haven. It is testament to your care & compassion that kids feel safe there. I'm with you I cannot understand how parents can kick their children out. I believe being a parent is a lifetime commitment, you shouldn't go into it without being prepared to make that commitment.

Thank God you're on leave. You are dealing with so much ATM. That said, you are rising to the challenge & being present for those you love. I am so sorry to hear about your friend's cancer and the struggles your brother & his wife are facing but am so glad you have been able to hold presence for them. I'm sure you being there has helped them enormously.

I don't know S but I'm proud of her. She is definitely her mother's daughter.

Re: my son, he rang again today. I suspect he senses I'm not in a good place. I am grateful that he's reaching out to me. I've been feeling like I'm drowning and I haven't got the energy to fight the current. Hopefully I'll pick up after today's session.

You take care lovely lady. You're an inspiration and I'm grateful for your friendship.

Love

Mara