new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Sleepy21

It's my mother.

Why and how can she hate me THIS much? Since I was 8 or 9yo she's been calling me the worst names that I don't ever call anybody.

I'm crushed that she's been saying that I called my own children those horrible and despicable names.
These are the things she told Police, Court, FACS and all of her 'friends' and all of my adult children.

I never want my younger children to see her again. I wish my grandchildren had zero attachment to her. She is extremely cruel and extremely violent.

I saw my dad being carried out on an ambulance stretcher unconscious and covered in blood. The walls were covered in blood. I watched what she did to him from a hiding place when I was very little - maybe 7yo IDK.

I have to tell my brother because I know she would have told him these horrible things too. Luckily we bonded and healed more last weekend.

My adult children and my brother were used in triangulation to isolate and hurt me for years. Not only by my mother but also by exH and others.

My heart has only pure intentions. At times in my most desperate times of depression and abandonment by my entire extended family who also turned against me, I knew that only God knew my heart. I was so alone and Prayed constantly. God gave me strength.

Thankyou for 'listening'. It hurts so much.

I know what I'm going to do and I'm sure the answer comes from my Prayers on this.

Much love
EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

I do not think it is only the Almighty that knows your heart, I think we here have a pretty good idea too. Also, admiration at the thoroughness (perfectionism?) with which you are cleaning out every trace of your condition.

I’m afraid I still use avoidance for a couple of things and may always do so, then again, I’ve probably set my sights lower than you.

Forgive men if I repeat myself, I’ve forgotten what I’ve told you before. I was separated from my parents, being formally dis-inherited prior to my marriage and maintained complete distance (with a couple of exceptions) from them ever since. Good for me, good for my wife who no longer had to put up with condescending abuse and knew I had no divided loyalties.

In her eighties my mother attempted a reconciliation and like a mug, feeling sorry for her, I went along with it. Within a couple of weeks she had returned to be as toxic as before (even to my second wife she had never met). Fortunately, she passed away before I dropped her permanently.

Sad to say some people want to be downright nasty all their lives.

So you are angry at the behavior, plus I suspect at yourself for letting your heart suck you in.

Anger is good, it helped me stay alive when invalided from an organization that cynically used people up, and at other times too - even in giving up smoking (Moon if you are reading is it’s true -no pipe)

So use your anger to give you strength for something that benefits you – not the kids or anyone else but you. Make it a positive thing, not a vengeance. Maybe you can use it in your battle with your condition and homework - dunno

Ideas?

You mention injecting humor into court proceedings -a very worthy aspiration

Judge : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Croix, I am still belly laughing LOLOLOLOL!!! I don't think I can write properly here for laughing!!! Crikeys it took ages to correct my typos lol. I LOVE your sense of humour lol.

"The best revenge is to live (and LOVE) my best life".... my mantra in dealing with those who shall not be named lol. Vengeance is God's.

I'm too busy for crazy actions like vengeance.

But I HAVE gotten far from even through Courts 😉

Music inspo for you dear Croix: Movement by Hozier.... because you move so many people here and I can just see you dancing like those guys on the video clip!! Please dance with your gorgeous wife.

Another one that I did make up "Family can be just another eff word at times" lolol.

I have been asked many times to write a book about my life. Seriously if I cut it down to 20% it would still be unbelievable (I know this is a shared human experience with many here), hence issues with Lawyers, Barristers and psychs but hey this sh** happened so there it is.
So I'm going to WRITE that book and may send an unsigned letter with a few excerpts from said book to the creature. Letting her know that it will be published after her death. I kinda like that idea, whether I send the letter is another thing.

Absolutely this can all be worked into my therapies. To think 20y NC and wow. Crikeys lol... some hard core evil out there.

I will let my brother know because it's not fair to him that he may not know that I just found out this week what's been said about me. He may have thought I DID actually do these horrid things - I didn't. He knows me well and just asked me to be a paid Advocate for things I've always done for him and the deaf community. He's deaf so misses alot of things and this is not fair (again) for him. I never put people 'in the middle' and make them choose sides or anything childish like that. He knows this.
I'm also his Executor etc so there's alot of trust and openness between us.

Yeah I hear you about the toxic ones. They don't have the capacity to change end of. I'm done. It's crap that we had crappy parents but there it is too. When do we do when life gives us sh**? Turn it into fertiliser. That's what we do Croix.

As my eldest children connect more with Country, their power is being warmed.

We're doing well. Thankyou for your post, I will come back to it often lol!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear TheBigBlue

I hope you found my thread without too much ado.

I'm so very sorry for all that's happened, how you've held this stuff in for so long. Hugs.

I encourage you to begin your own thread so that you can share what's going on more openly and specifically, then people can offer you support you need more specifically too.
BUT in the absence of your own thread, please feel free to share as much as you want to here. No problems at all.

You may find Catie08 and Richie's stories here helpful too.

In response to what you mentioned:
* you mentioned possibly being admitted but this triggers specific things that have happened?
Maybe they are trying to get medications sorted? Especially if you present with more than one MH condition.
Your sister could be your advocate here and I'm so glad you have her. PLEASE don't worry about her and PLEASE ask her to reach out to phone Helplines too, we have supports for her supporting you. She's a gem and I know you don't want her feelings hurt - she LOVES you and you would do the same for her if the roles were reversed. It's going to be okay.
Maybe you can talk this over with the BB Helpline Counsellors / psychs? The 1800RESPECT number have been BRILLIANT in supporting our family through things - truly amazing.

The base line thing I understand to be true it that NO one can admit you into a facility unless there have been self-harm concerns and / or you are at risk to others. I could be wrong and would be happy to be corrected but I understand this to be true atm.

Please remember AT ALL TIMES we are here for you. You are not alone. We are here and we truly understand.
You are safe now. The danger has passed. All everyone wants now for you is the BEST support available and this is happening.

You can be as open as you feel you can.

Big hugs, we've got you.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Dear EM,

reading about what you've endured i am amazed at how strong and wise you are - some people take the lessons and leave the drama, which you seem to be doing so successfully. You are an inspiration to me personally!

I'm sorry those things were said about you, that is very upsetting.

i think a big thing for me in this past year has been realising that abusers never ever ever change

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy21

Big hugs!

If you've been going through this awakening in the past year, it's truly the most heartbreaking time to go through, it really is. Looking back I know that feeling and I thought my broken heart could NEVER heal. Losing my mother & all that I thought we had (in my imagination) was gone.

Growing up my family was like a huge Italian family gathering very often, grandparents, great grandparents, many uncles, aunties, cousins from generations. They were my SOUL.

And in one fell swoop, calling the police on my mother, they were gone. It took me years to pinpoint the day my family disappeared. Some called rarely. All resented me.

The depression I went through was so deep. It was like a thick woollen blanket 6 ft thick & wet. SO heavy.
Every day I had to get up with this heavy blanket on me & tend to my children. Try to grind food out of nothing. Mend all clothes & underwear. The poverty happened all over again. But the loss of my mother was like a huge black hole void.

Stephen Covey says "Love is a verb" and I couldn't love her this way at all. I was NC. Police & FACS basically said I risked losing my children if I had my mother in my life. My mother OR my children.

I was heartbroken. Broken completely. I have more grieving to do obviously because it's SO HARD to grieve for people who are still alive & whom you loved so much. Almost unconditionally.

I would never risk my children. Never knowingly anyway. I had no choice. My children needed me & I needed them.

But in my mind I thought one day.... one day when my children are older maybe I can help her.... one day maybe she will love me, actually love me. But she can't. She doesn't have the capacity to LOVE. Only to harm. Hurt. Destroy. She hates me as she's always said she does. And this week completely confirms this.

A saying I read once said "When someone shows you their true colours, believe them the first time". So hard when you were raised by the person.

I guess this week I've had to face even my future dream of maybe we could reconcile one day being lost. So this grieving is new all over again.

I can't risk becoming depressed again. I CAN'T lose more years of my life & affect my children & grandchildren. I love them more than the entire Universe. I'm so sad my mother couldn't love me even 1% this much. But I can allow myself to be sad & cry.

I'm so sorry you're going through similar pain Sleepy. It's just not normal for parents to hurt their children.

Lots of love EM

[Guest_1643]

if i understand right, they couldn't handle the decision you made to speak up against the abuse, so they just didn't handle it? I guess, a weak act, a hard act to swallow. A betrayal in a way? And there's been NC over the years at all? I wander if maybe they are jealous that you and your family have found a way to love authentically? Like you have your beautiful family and you do so much good for others and are a light to others...

It's hard for bitter ppl to see that.

It's been hard this year - i'm very hurt by my family for accusing me of pushing everyone away (when i was suicidal). Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but I'm sick of taking the blame. They weren't there for me, and that's also on them. They don't own any of it.

I'm sorry for the trauma you went through trying to protect your children. I'm sorry it's been so up and down with hopes for reconciliation with yur Mum. I can understand the emotional roller coaster that is, and go through it with my own cold, distant and uncaring mother, who treats me basically no different to a busdriver or shop assistant

[ecomama]

Extended family were angry with me - only now I realise that my mother would have told them venomous lies about what happened the day I called police. She was put in jail over what she did to me & my children that day. Police did that without anything more from me. Truth is I called the police 3 x but they said if they came they would charge her so I said not to come.

NEVER again I thought.

omg I'm seeing things in a line - dominoes.

My family were very disappointed in me at best but moreso because now THEY had to deal with my mother - all 39 of them couldn't deal with what I'd had to deal with alone for decades.

My grandparents had her have shock treatment in her teens, which I only found out in my 40s. Drs in the MH institution told her never to have children.

So many of the family hated my mother. She was ALWAYS arguing and fighting with some of the family.

That's complete crap that "you pushed your family away" by being suicidal. Where do these ppl get off. I've held my adult daughter's hand through this & would never have let go.

You've heard of the expression "fair weather friends"? Well you and I just may have fair weather family.

I hate how they claim ALL the wonderful things we've done or achieved as THEIR achievements.

The absolute truth of the matter there Sleepy is that our achievements have been in SPITE of being born into these families. Not spite in the true sense, spite meaning the opposite foundations of being them.

No wonder you love Kristen Neff's work.

I gave my youngest daughter the holding her own hands technique tonight to help settle her. She's triggered alot since the shock of her eldest sister going through hell she barely knows the details of a few weeks ago. My youngest daughter is NOT doing well. I said I'd read Dr Joe Dispenza every night as a bedtime story lol and that would put her to sleep! She laughed and fell asleep.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: between Sessions 4 & 5

I'm trying to move into the groove of feeling more 'normal' - yeah apparently that's whats happening.
I'm SO OK WITH THAT! But it's a strange feeling. EXTREMELY foreign to me & my blood cells lol.

I had a cry about my mum thing, spoke with psych friend, spoke with my friend today (friends since 9yo awww), I'll call her T ... even knowing what she said today to me - it didn't trigger me as this stuff ALWAYS has. I could hold presence with her omg.

Sure! I'm getting a safe, putting in ALL the crappy Court stuff & other important docs. Plus the memoirs.
THIS is the 'filing' I needed to do! Put it ALL away, all the legal docs that are sh** from my past but I have to hold on to - yeah awful.
But IMPORTANT.
Also important they're filed somewhere, but AWAY

This is what moving on feels like.

Achievements:
* I went to the whitegoods store ALL BY MYSELF & I didn't even FEEL like running away. A was 'wobbly' on a 3/10, this was when I went to where the store always had been & had to look up where it moved to - right near an offenders workplace & around the corner from another one too. Hmmm. I went in, walked around very comfortably, even spoke with a service person who was very nice (yeah it's alotta cash I guess lol) but he was nice lol.
ZERO triggers - seriously I can't believe this is happening.

* I bit the bullet, bought 2 breakfast meals from Maccas & went to Ts house. She was in a bad way psychologically last time we spoke. She had major surgery & chemo about 18 months ago. She has decided to go alternative and ofcourse I support her regardless. She told me that she's sick again. I held presence.

* I ended a call with another friend when I got to a 3/10 upset after this. It felt good just saying 'I'll talk to you later' and saying goodbye.

* ZERO triggers, for me a trigger means getting ONTO the PTSD scale.

Wow I've got my own back lol.

Even my children are recovering quickly after being triggered now. 2 are learning how to drive & they are coping calmly now. They are all going out to different places after school today - A FIRST that this has happened. Sure there's a 'party'back here later tonight, as per, probably 12 friends sleeping over. I love that.

We also had a Happy UnBirthday party here last night just because. All the kids & grandkids came over and it was great. Youngest daughter wasn't doing well at all afterwards but after our talk she fell straight to sleep & got up happily for school this morning.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I am so pleased to hear that your are doing so well. It is testament to your hardwork and commitment to your MH.

I'm so sorry to hear about the issues with your Mum. Your Mother and mine sound very similar. The names my mother use to call me were disgusting horrible names. Both my parents were incredibly toxic. I cut ties with them and didn't have any contact for 5 years. Those were the best 5 years of my life. Then my Dad had a stroke and I got sucked right back in there. I ended up being the primary Carer for 13 years. My psych couldn't believe that I was doing it. He said he had clients who had a fraction of the abuse I'd experienced and they'd walked away from their parents. My compassion was my downfall. My beautiful son passed away and I still continued caring for them for another 3 years. These ungrateful, toxic, miserable human beings continued to draw breath while my darling was gone. I don't know how I did it but I'm not sorry they are gone. You are a very wise woman protecting your MH and that of your children. And I just want to acknowledge how awesome you are to be able to give the love and support to your children that you never had. My psych is always saying that to me, usually the cycle continues, we broke it and our children are better off for our hard work.

I smiled at your Maccas breakfast, I know want a serve of hotcakes LOL.

Well lovely lady, I will leave it there.

I look forward to reading your updates. Bear with me if I take a while to reply. My son's anniversary is looming. I go down a deep hole for 2 weeks prior. I'll be alright once I'm passed it but doesn't seem to matter what I do, my body knows it's approaching. I miss my beautiful boy more than I can say.

I hope you have a relaxing rest of the weekend.

Much love

Mara