new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Sleepy21

You hit the nail on the head with Kristen Neff..... I feel a mind blowing (in the nicest way lol) experience coming up. Thankyou! Maybe a few paradigm shifts on the way too.

Her research sounds A - MAZING. I have "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook" up ready to order tomorrow.

I know what you're saying about Brene Brown. I feel that those of us with PTSD are left under the radar with the "depth" of work required maybe? Some speakers just can't hit the spot with us. Our experiences are too hard core maybe?

Like 'others' may benefit more from such but we need so much more.

Though I must say that after working out my huge triggers on the weekend & having my Counsellor give her "stamp of approval" that I was spot on (but to work less harder on working them out :-0) was confirming & affirming my work. Psych tomorrow lol.... she said my garden work is "high risk behavior" mmm, my AHP and my Counsellor disagrees.... my psych is around my age & thinks me climbing trees with a (small) chainsaw is reckless.... arghhh I've never injured myself doing it & have legs built like machines lol. It will be a fffffun talk tomorrow!

I feel more mentally able but at the same time, not needing to rush things.

My psych asked me last week, "What can you take off your plate?" I said unless I give my children away, nothing really!

I 'CLEARED my plate' by taking leave to work on my MH. I'm planning on only returning 3d for the rest of the year to assimilate any practices & my working life into a new path. To be more 'gentle' on myself for the very first time. For the first time in ages I'm beginning to feel that alien feeling of excitement. Not because covid is eradicated in the world or everyone has become loving of other cultures or that anything externally has changed but only because I feel hope. I've Prayed for hope and sought it. But not felt it in a very long time. This in itself is very exciting.

Being with my boyfriend in the U.S. or here or anywhere in the world, is an extremely indulgent experience and he spoils me rotten lol. Or spoils me happy lol. He expects me to take long bubble baths, go swimming, get my hair and nails done while he's at work etc, so I do. Not much other times when I'm in Australia yet. We've had a very rough year and I've had screeching anxiety over his safety but he IS a sensible man. I have to trust he'll take care.

Thankyou so much for your gift of Kristen Neff lol. I think I'm going to LOVE her work Sleepy21.

Love EM

[ecomama]

NNNoooooo you are NOT 'hijacking my thread' at all what nonsense lol. I had already written my post before I saw your next one.

I so dearly WANT to hear of your experiences, PLEASE share whatever you want to!

Lolol 'sweet bliss' indeed it can be. Well done for swallowing that bitter pill of phoning and well done for ending it right on time and extra super well done for maintaining NC - what a set of achievements!

Ahhhh I could swim in NC lol! Oh only for the ahem nicer word for 'those people' …. mongrels. I keep them way out now.

Your self-care things sound really lovely! I will try those... or some of them.

Can we count being on the BB forums as self-care?

I've been watching a lot of comedy. Ok getting there lol.

Oh I got my hair done yesterday. I know it was a post PTSD episode time but I decided to go grey... it's happening in streaks anyway so eventually I'm getting a thick grey streak at the front. Like Joanna Lumley lately. lol.
I Love my new hairdo and so do the kids and their partners! lol or maybe they're just being sweet.

I've been warning my kids for years that when I'm old, I'm getting a Queen Lizzy perm and dying it cornflower blue. Getting there kids lol!

Imagine me climbing trees with a chainsaw and with a cornflower blue perm, omg too funny.

I love patting my pets, cuddling them, brushing them etc.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: STP Session 3

First zoom session with STP. I couldn't even try to get the email link to zoom, my youngest child did that for me, it took a call to the clinic with 3 mins to spare but it linked eventually got going. Shaky even describing that.

It was a very strange & surprising session. Closest thing I can think of, it's like going into labour to give birth. Scary & you don't know what's going to happen. "Discomfort sensations" lol hypnotherapy taught me how to rephrase specific words. Childbirth being with a capital D lol. Similarities being there are many people to support "in the room" but you go through the ACTUAL experience all by yourself. I truly feel blessed by the support I have.

I have to keep chanting "Shared human experience" now, Thanks Sleepy21 & Kristen Neff lol!

Mmmm summary:
* She approved every single one of my strategies which I'm still a bit boggled about. After reinforcing that they would be crutches, she said today that were all strategies. My profession makes me highly sensitive to exact definitions. Crutches & strategies are chasms apart. BOTH necessary - hey whatever it takes to get through. Flummoxed she approved them all.
* About half way in she made up her mind for me to work through "Prolonged Exposure" therapy. As long as I get approval from my counsellor and get her opinion too.
* We started today with a mild experience. She observed me. Said I calmed well. I didn't realise it had already started lol.
* She heard more of my story & knows how God must've been working hard to keep me alive. Don't worry, she's not religious with me, I am with her lol!
* It's going to take patience for me to keep correcting her "stat / trajectory" mind about me.... she thought I'd not embarked into triggering areas - crikeys, I've flown all over the world, faced 5 Courts against evil monsters & DROVE our cases hard core lol. Life IS difficult but that's why I'm with her.
* She's sending Personality assessments now... so fun lol not.
* omg the HOMEWORK. I have tremendous tasks to tackle or should I call them activities lol.
* She said she has full confidence that we're going to see marked improvements.

The most surprising outcome so far is that I'm beginning to have feelings I haven't authentically felt for a very long time - excitement, delight and JOY.

Catie and Richie have inspired me to share music inspo:
Adele "Rolling in the deep"
Killing Heidi "Weir" and my favourite
Hozier "Movement".

EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM

Thanks for updating about your session, it was very interesting to read how the therapist reviewed your strategies and approved them as all helpful - i find that very idea really amazing.
How do you feel about receiving homework from the therapist?
I personally love a task, keeps me focussed.

Crutches can I guess be ways we find comfort that don't necessarily move us forward, thinking about my own crutches is pretty interesting...

Glad you like Kristin Neff!!!! She seems like a beautiful soul

Hope you are feeling well after your appointment today

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21

LOVE Kristen Neff, THANK YOU for that precious gift lol. Today I DID order her Self-compassion Workbook. My psych thought it would be a wonderful idea for me to work through it. Yay! But the most amazing thing was I WASN'T TRIGGERED ordering the books after our session. Ofcourse I bought quite a few books while I was on a good run.

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, a few Joe Dispenza books and others.

Yes I agree about the differences between crutches and strategies. I'm still gobsmacked about her liking them all 4 pages of them. Many of which I made up myself. She asked if I could use them lol. Oh why not!
But even if crutches don't move a person forward, as long as they can keep you treading water in a healthy way until you can get more informed support, then I'm all for them. For the most part I think people think of crutches as drugs and alcohol. But having a chilled bottle of water can be a crutch to take as a "security blanket" before embarking on a walk if that's an issue for a person.

I'm fine with the homework. I don't like it lol but this is a huge investment for my own MH & I want to squeeze every last drop out of this entire 'adventure'. I described my homework in Elizabeth CPs new thread on exposure therapy.
It's actually exposure therapy in itself. STP liked how quickly I settled myself after a mild exposure so she stopped & gave me that for homework.

The huge thing that my psych friend was very confident about, and having 2 psychs confident in me is strange lol.... the aim of my STP is to have me be able to do my OWN exposure therapy should needs arise further down the track.

What a novel idea?

Do we ALL do this when we're mentally well? IE in place of triggers a mentally healthy person uses words like "I'm scared to do …" then works out a way to do it anyway within reason.

I'm doing surprisingly well, so much more relaxed than even a few days ago. My sleep is sound.
My schedule of 5 tasks / appointments today almost completely changed and I just rolled with it all. All smooth & I'm in disbelief.

Except for the online task of getting into a zoom appt - emails are triggers etc.

But online ordering was a previous trigger also and I loved looking through the books etc then completed the whole process by myself without asking the kids to do any of it lol.

I'm ENJOYING things more, the mundane things that were ho hum now have some joy attached. It's such a strange feeling.

How are YOU doing?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: between sessions STP 3-4

Feeling 'ok', bit wobbly tbh. It's Sunday again. I had a horrible last Sunday with dumpers.
Is "Sunday" is a thing? 'others having family time'. I'll pull a Kristen Neff over this one & know that I'm having a shared experience. I was more lonely in the horrible abusive marriage.

Today includes going to a store to make purchases (same broken record lol... lots of destruction from exH) but I'm going with an adult child & my youngest daughter. Adult child needs some things too & purchasing together makes for great bargaining power lol.

I just realized that having the money to do this is actually triggering. For decades exH kept us dirt poor with it's disgusting habits unknown to us.

Anyway another trigger last Sunday was to walk into one of these stores. One offender works there. My psych challenged me and said "If the fridge you wanted was $700 cheaper there, what would you do?" and I said "Go there". The fridge isn't cheaper there. But other things are, so we have in our plans to go there if we need to. Just got a text, adult child unwell so this whole thing will probably be put off for another day (more anxiety provoking than just biting the bullet and going today - but there it is).

My psych said that my humour stands me in good stead, NONE of it is actually funny but I still find ways to make caricatures of these monsters in my head and it diffuses them somewhat. Another friend had falked (FB stalked the offenders) and told me funny stories about what they look like.

I even injected HUMOUR into the Court processes! Oh and so did one Judge! After the other party's attempts to carry on as per - yelling out etc, the Judge had the most awesome comeback and the whole Court and audience burst out laughing. Even the big Federal Court body guards, there right near me were laughing in their huge navy blue suits. I just looked around a little and smiled gingerly. Still scared.

It's fear.
Moving forward it's fear that I have to dispel. Fear is creating these triggers. Thankyou for letting me write things out here because I hadn't ever pinpointed the base.

Well today's trip is cancelled woohoo! lol. Ahhh feel so much more relaxed. When all the kids wake up, I'll clean the fridge out in prep for the new one. First new one in over 30y so quite a thing at our house.

I also need to set aside a few hours for myself and my grand old homework for the STP. I thought our appt was later in the week but nope, 2 day's time.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: STP Session 4

I got a 5 1/2 out of 10 from STP today for my "exposure therapy" in writing by myself & on zoom with her. Plenty of room for improvement. 10/10 effort from me though.

STP pushes hard.

Maybe if I write the negatives first:
* my biggest behaviour to change is avoidance. I do avoid things that are too much, I don't want to end up in a mess. I pushed myself so hard for years to confront the triggering situations & do them, I did do them but these last few won't budge. Apparently this shows that I didn't push through hard enough. Exhaustion is my excuse.
* I need to ACTUALLY DO the thing in exposure therapy lol. I'm just not getting it. I'm avoiding it.

Positives:
* I do have great settling techniques she said. But if I haven't pushed through till the end, then IDK. I haven't fallen apart in front of her. I've cried, but not fallen apart.
* Apparently I handled an extremely confronting & potentially triggering situation as a mentally healthy person would over the past 2 days. STP affirmed this. I was actually very angry about the words of a family member about me and they were HARSH. They were also PROJECTING. My STP agreed with the projection & agreed with the depth of my anger. I want to write a letter to this "family" member and say I sever all relationship feelings and attachments. I've been NC for decades so this would break NC.
I still want to do it with a long list of their abusive behaviours. It's a wonder I survived childhood. Not sure what I'll do there, I'll sleep on it.

Homework: I had to immediately go to Bunnings after the session and buy straw mulch. Bunnings had triggered me 2 Sundays ago, I had avoided it since even though I needed to buy this for my chickens. I said I would and if I didn't then I said I'd tell her the truth.
I did and have the receipt to show her next week lol. And I bought some chalk paint but that's cheating as a lovely 'boy' I've known since we were both 3yo works in the paint section lol. We love to have a catch up.

I have more homework which is pretty involved. I have to do an audio recording of me speaking out the trigger to do with my personal email ie how my body is effected, what I'm thinking and feeling psychologically, everything. Then I have to listen to this recording every morning. This is called Imaginal Exposure.

Don't like the idea of it at all but I don't like taking medicines Drs prescribe either, so same deal.
If I want to get better, I take the medicine.

EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM
I like how the therapist gives you very affirming and supportive feedback.

And also how it's okay to be angry and upset when things happen, allowing that is important. I don't know if you're like me, in that sometimes you find it hard to place the blame sorely on the person for their actions...
Someone in my family was gaslighting me recently and it has taken me about a week to be like - no, they're wrong and inappropriate. I had moments of looking inward to see how I could've behaved better, and "pleased" better. But I couldn't have, and that person was treating me badly...

Sorry that your family member said such hurtful things. How are you feeling today about it all?

Did your Kristin Neff workbook arrive? I hope you enjoy it. Have you read any fiction stories about trauma that you find inspiring? I've ordered a few first person stories about trauma etc but for some I understand they are more triggering. For me personally it helps me feel less alone.

I'm seeing a new therapist who mentions she does EMDR and hypnosis on her website - entering with open eyes. Hope you are feeling beautifully warm and happy today 🙂

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21

I'm really sorry that family member gaslighted you recently, it's the crappiest. Hugs.

I wanna say "Don't you REALIZE I'm a member of BB AND seeing a psych? so quit the gaslighting ____(insert swearword)" lol.
I told STP today that I want to do middle fingers to the male neighbour who looks like he's videoing me when I'm gardening (he's a friend of an offender). She said don't do that! Lol. I said I'm on MY property and I can do whatever I like lol.

I'm a lion at times re: offenders.

The worst thing about what's being said about me is that my adult children have kept it in for almost 20 YEARS. The horrible family member has been saying that for 20 YEARS to them & I only found out
yes-ter-day. They have ALWAYS said to the person "No, mum has never called us those names, ever" but this person is a lunatic, so they cop it hard.
I was Like...... NO YOU DON'T DO THAT TO MYYYYYYYYYY CHILDREN...

I am angry. Not about the name calling as much - pffft who cares - but about the fact that this has been torturing MY children. And she said she was deprived of the younger children..... YEAH GOOD. By design.

I thought of getting a lawyer to write a letter to said person but they would LOVE that. This person LOVES "attention" from anything including Courts, police, jails. I wanted to list the abuses I suffered.

I seriously don't know what to do with this anger. I feel like I need to SPEAK to this person but that will break NC after me being strict NC for decades. What do you think I should do? I'll also speak with my boyfriend tomorrow lol, then my Counsellor next week too lol.

To think...2 months ago I was about to work hard to help this person from afar (because of my 'love' or obligation to this person) and I put myself through screeching anxiety & more PTSD even thinking about it. Then I find out this.....

As I said to my adult children, this person can go crawl under a rock & become extinct for all I care.
I'm NOT helping at all.

They've all tried to put up boundaries but they simply don't work. All that works is calling the police as I did after decades of the abuse and going NC.

My Kristen Neff workbook HASN'T arrived yet sadly! Others did - Dr Joe Dispenza titles & I found out that he lives 25 miles from my boyfriend in Washington omg. I'd love my BF to see him but I'm sure he wouldn't be as starstruck as me lol. Also The Road Less Travelled which I think EVERYONE needs lol. I bought it for my kids to read.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM
that sounds really painful , gosh these manipulators never stop. At least you have her number, and understand that she's just sadly needing attention and seeking horrible ways to get it. Narcissim etc.
I think your protective nature towards your children is beautiful. They know you have their back. They can feel you care. I can read it in your post.
I can feel it from your post. You are watching them like a lionness, and that is very heroic.

I'm sorry you've had someone like that come into your business and trouble your children. I am glad, though, that your kids have you to watch out for them and love them.