new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: 4 days post Session 2.

After yesterday's dumping experience, like dumper waves at a beach, of PTSD, I felt like I'd been in a car crash last night.
I'm grateful I saw the connections and having all 3 Triggers, mentioned above, activated, then BOOM dumpers all day. My head hurt last night. I drank water and went to sleep. It felt like concussion tbh.

This is NOT good for my brain. I probably need to write a list of LEVEL 1 triggers or something.

Upon waking, with a headache lol, I contacted my friend. No answer - HIGHLY unusual. I bought a plant for her on instinct - she's not a plant person. Arrived at her house, no one home. Texted her. She drove home. Her home was virtually EMPTY. She has a very large family so this has never been the case in 45y.

She's been married for 35+ years and her husband took the lot. Almost, left his garbage! Her H is doing the works of alienating the children etc. All their adult children and grandchildren who were living there have gone.
She's now living alone for the first time in her life.

I meditated upon being present for her and was able to do so over this time, strangely it didn't trigger me.

Her HEALTH and safety were my worries yesterday but she is VERY well versed in DV having supported women DV victims for DECADES in various sectors. It doesn't mean she is actually safe but she's done all she can atm and will react perfectly to danger. She understands this.

I gave her the advice I'd been given in areas of parental alienation / law / divorce etc and asked her to seek specific advice. I still had the numbers in my phone! It's such a shame I can't seem to delete them because more & more women need them. Awful but there it is.

She LOVED her new PLANT! Something to care for. I offered to garden with her in her now overgrown garden and bring my OWN new tools! Hers have all been taken. She laughed.... yes, I've been there and am doing that.

As sad as a marriage ending can be to so many people, for others it's a complete necessity, like mine and hers. No one's blaming covid for this one.

EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM

I relate to your descriptions about how the words are stored in long term memory and as we haven't used them recently, they become somewhat hidden to us. Hopefully over time these words resurface. I can think of a few examples of words I heard recently and had somehow forgetten about, but then I start to rework them into my vocabulary again and find that quite rewarding. Bringing the words home.

By the way, I love your instinct to buy her a plant. I think it was the perfect gift for her cricumstance. At least in the bare house she has something that is new and that belongs to her- this is very important when you're starting over. I have a very simple plant I bought after returning home from hospital, honestly, it connects me to my self and my home more than any other object.

It's a simple gesture but my gut tells me your visit was a huge help to her, and she'll cherish that plant!!

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy21

Lol I had a Dictionary AND Thesaurus next to my bed for about 3y!

THIS is what I was referring to in our earlier posts between you, Mara and myself.... about 'reading'.
The urgency in re-educating myself or re-vocabularising myself lol not a word YET! Anyway the urgency was paramount.

I didn't have time or motivation to read anything off topic. Everything was about MH disorders - the abuser's.
And doing my study to reconnect my brain.

Luckily I did do all this study because I had to dive straight into Law - read hundreds of pages per night for years. Thank God I did that. Our outcomes would have looked VERY different if I hadn't.

No wonder my anxiety skyrocketed.

But 2 police events in 8 days was not making for a happy shopper!

I'm quite torn between taking to this PTSD thing like a shark, as per my previous approaches.

Now, I'm not used to a gentle approach with anything except children and animals lol. I truly believe that having to deal with so many Courts over so long has made my 'combat gear' appear almost immediately, for almost any huge task.

I read something on another thread and saw hypnotherapy for PTSD in a major city a few hours from here. It worked very well for the BB member. Sleepy I know you don't want to talk about much and you most definitely do not have to but if you're okay with answering, would you consider hypnotherapy for PTSD?

I had hypnotherapy a few decades ago in another state and it was WONDERFUL... it was for an entirely different reason but I still use the techniques and they work instantly for discomfort (I had to retype and not use the word pain lol).

I think my psych would freak tbh. I'm sure she would like to see me healed or at least improved but I don't think she would like 2 pretty intensive therapies concurrently. (I'm still curious...).

Once she HAD diagnosed me with PTSD AND found no signs of depression, she was pretty darned excited to go straight into the PTSD aspect of her work with me. It feels like nothing much has been achieved yet, just assessment stuff and feedback with surprises to her but no REAL surprises to me yet.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: Counselling.

I kept up my Counselling with my counsellor of c4y as I took on a the STP.
I really felt I needed professional feedback to not weigh my friends down so much but mainly ground me with professional feedback throughout this process.

My counsellor was concerned there might be a conflict of support but my psych said that was a great idea, so it's happening. Luckily for that because I have strong views on this.

My counsellor was surprised to hear that the psych thought I'd been combative, it was a word similar, maybe not so strong - oppositional maybe? lol. I was assertive that I have never used drugs and was assertive that I don't drink alcohol. Both of these also came as a surprise to the psych. If she knew me better she would say OFCOURSE you don't.

The psych thought I was not telling her the truth blah blah blah. My counsellor asked about this. Anyway counsellor has given permission for the psych to contact her. Which I'm happy for. (4y relationship through some of the worst times I've ever known).

My AHP has also begged me to tell the psych to contact him. Awesome! (13y relationship).

Today my psych friend said she was getting the bleeps with my psych lololol.

Whatever their professional views are, I'm fine with them sharing these. I want them to! I'm not thinking it'll paint a wonderful rosy picture of me, I'm fine with a warts an all picture - it's authentic help I'm seeking after all. Great!

My counsellor was able to give me great feedback on my triggers on the weekend. Ofcourse I was afraid for my friend's life, we've been friends since 12yo = decades. Plus she'd had open heart surgery c18 months ago. Life and death was my trigger. Safety of those I love put in another way. I feel calmer just knowing that was the trigger and definitely calmer that it was her marriage and not her life :-0

Plus the 2 workplaces of offenders = makes sense.

So I've been procrastinating a paperwork things that has a deadline. I'm FINE with work deadlines.
I trigger with personal paperwork of all sort. Noted. This is a reaction from the thousands of pages of legal paperwork needing to be created with lawyers, barristers, Police, multiple Courts, Victim's Services, many Banks, many companies etc etc. For years.
Even writing that I think "No wonder".

My psych friend is coming over tomorrow to co-regulate me while I face this paperwork.
A plant just won't cut it with the help she's given me.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em, Croix, Sleepy 21,

Sorry I haven't been online much recently. My grandson decided to share his bugs with me and with my dodgy immune system... I've been sick as a dog! I went to the local ED, I have an ear infection, tonsillitis and inflamed lymph nodes. I'm just exhausted, trying to deal with this, my auto immune flare up and full on PTSD triggering but yeah I don't have Covid, guess you've got to look for the silver lining. That said, overwhelmingly at the minute I just want to crawl under a rock at the minute. I can't concentrate, to actively participate on the forum. So am going to take a break for a couple of days.

I did want to say one thing though, Em you are clearly a beautiful friend. I am sure your friend was grateful for the plant you gave her. When your going through something like a marriage break and all the emotional roller coaster brings, it is lovely to know that you're loved. I'm sure your gift of the plant and your offer to help with the garden, did just that.

Well I'm going back to bed. Haven't sleep much for several days now due to the high temps. Just feel the need the put my feet up.

Take care everyone. As soon as I'm back on my feet I'll be back on the forum.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara and waves to Croix and Sleepy,

Thankyou for taking the time to post to us all in your under the weather state. Phew no covid is fantastic news!

I hope you can stay warm and recoup.

Take care of yourself.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Co-regulation

Needing 36h to 3+ days to process what my Counsellor / Psych has said to me.

Even after decades, sparks of wisdom ie one liners can come to me in certain situations from the people I've sought counselling from. It happened today.

I'm sure mental health professionals go in to their fields to help people, but I'm not sure if they realise how much impact they can have. Thankfully, I've only had 1 bad experience that left me deeply scarred. The others have been in varying measures, very helpful.

I was able to complete all but 2 relatively simple tasks set out today. I mail the paperwork tomorrow and that's one massive set of necessary docs off my plate.

I didn't realise how much I needed co-regulation, especially with more intense PTSD triggering events.
It can be paralyzing. Stuck feeling like rocks or grenades are hitting you when no one is around.

I know the offenders in my cases were trusting their actions would end my life.
They haven't. I'm still breathing. I won.

There's hope and a bright fantastic future I'm stepping into now.

My counsellor said to me yesterday that I am SO aware of my mind's reactions, sometimes that's no good.
But these triggering moments happen regardless of what I'm doing and I could be feeling and having THE NICEST time then boom, it hits.

I enjoyed watching Brene Brown's - The call to courage again last night. If I didn't have an American boyfriend and other American friends I might have found it difficult to listen to previously.
But I learn or HEAR something new every single time I watch this one show of hers.
I just love the way she delivers her research, weaving in her own family ditties, it's lovely.

My creativity side is definitely withering away lol. I found some watercolours I did a while back and remembered how calm I felt doing them. That was ME! Calm? lol.

I haven't looked at the Wheel of Balance as I was asked to by a helpline pscyh. That can go in my notebook for a "study" period.
I'd like to choose relaxation things atm.

EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey to everyone and sending you all hugs

Had a bit of a rough two days but feel like I somehow made it through - ended up calling my Dad who has been trying to contact me for 5 months. It went pretty average but no fights or probing, I ended the call quickly

I also made a complaint against the GP i had last year - just to the head of the practise - who didn't pick up on my ptsd and told me not to go to hospital because it would be too confronting. The call was a waste of time and they said the main thing is I'm better now and who really cares what happened before. fantastic. I will not complain again but will just focus on the future!

I'm glad EM that you have had helpful psychologsits mostly, that is a huge blessing in your life, perhaps you have a guardian angel bringing good people into your life, which you thoroughly deserve 🙂

Thanks for recommending hyposis, I'm quite interested, and also I'd like to give Brene Brown a try - youve inspired me. Are you familiar with Kristen Neff?
Not to overwhelm but I do like her too! I feel like I'm the last human on earth to get into Brene Brown - (i'm often the last to pick up something) and maybe there is a reason she's so popular! Many people swear by her amazing work - I'm glad you like her and get something from her p.o.v x

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21

Thankyou for letting us know how you've been! Wow well done on reporting but yeah.... at least you DID so HIGH FIVE!

Call with your dad..... NC for 5 months? Aha ok. High five? lol IDK.... pour it out if you want to!

I DID have hypnosis but it was for pregnancy and birthing and I learnt pain controlling techniques which lasted a life time - well till now anyway.

IDK about hypnosis for PTSD though. Mara recommends EMDR which my psych doesn't do. The whole hypnosis thing sounds a bit..... IDK lol. Kind of waiting for those Guardian Angels to thunder down and drive me I guess? Maybe they're over at yours?

I can't take on too many therapies at once but I keep finding "Plan Bs" - possibly the whole PTSD thing.

I most definitely want to do EMDR one day though.

NO I HAVE NEVER heard of Kristen Neff, please don't think you're overwhelming me lol, I'm on leave for another 6 weeks! I'm still quite crazy busy but am enjoying having time to Google stuff etc. I may even go ALL OUT and order some books online lol. I'm quite old, not something I've done much before. hahaha

So glad you're back. What are you doing for self-care? If you don't mind sharing.... I am hopeless at it. But it's the BIG thing my psych is going to concentrate on with me..... how nice! Not lol. No, I know it's something I avoid like the plague. It's gotta be done I guess.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey EM

I want to say sorry for hijacking your thread with my emotions - thank you so much for sending in that support, so lovely.!!!!!

I understand that you're working through triggers and how to handle them. You seem to be ticking boxes, learning about yourself and finding that happy medium where you can still live without having to always be walking on eggshells.

You've got this!!! Have you spoken to your friend, I hope she's loving her plant even more now that she gets to tend to it

I just had a bumpy few days, yes I've been NC with my Dad for 5 months and its sweet bliss. But it was ok today - I thought I'd be a wreck, but I cotrolled the convo and wouldn't allow him to hurt me. NC is very helpful for me but have been working towards finding a way to speak on occasion with boundaries.

Self care strategies I'm not the best at it. I find it hard to read now but last night read a few chapters in bed. I drink hot drinks which feels really nice and visit the park. I also do mindful colouring, and I really love watching movies. I do mindfulness meditations on Youtube, I've found some amazing ones that seem to calm me.

I also find a really big bowl of different fruits or different vegs can be a nutritious way to care for myself - reminding myself that I desreve something beautiful and fresh.

I'd love to hear your self-care. x