new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_1643]

i understand the effects of trauma and am here for you

it sounds to be like you can be easy on you and take care of you well - what an accomplishment

Keep writing here -that's your way to express yourself and yu are great at it. You share and give to others while letting out your story! it's amazing

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy21

Thankyou for your kind words, you're a kindred spirit. I feel so guilty letting it out here (not all yet).

TBH I don't look after myself. EVERY person in my life says, you have to look after YOU, All the time. Even my bosses at work say it because I won't stay and drink alcohol (lol! dear God). Alcohol is NOT good for me. Many family members are alcoholics.

Weird things trigger me. I say weird because I don't think anyone else would understand. I'm trying to work these out. As for many others, I had PTSD before it was mentioned to me, since childhood possibly. So I knew I couldn't do many things easily but these are numerous and are quite disturbing now. I'm shaking now thinking of them - typos galore.

So touching my television to change channels, when no one else is watching it, triggers me. I have to push through triggers to change the freaking channel. It's horrible. This morning I KNOW some of the reasons why and those memories are so sad and scary. Childhood - issues with my family / TV. I wasn't allowed to watch TV, if I was ever caught watching TV then I would be scolded, worse. I was called names and told to get back to housework.
In my previous marriage there were all sorts of issues with TV too. I can't write about that, it's really too horrible.
I never fought for my 'rights' to watch my own TV, just quietly escaped the room.

SO the loungeroom in anybody's house is a trigger for me. In my adult children's houses, my kids just tell their families "mum doesn't like to sit in the loungeroom, let's go outside so she can garden" lol, we're used to this TV / loungeroom issue (which I only tied together as triggers this morning).
TVs / Loungerooms are by far not the only triggers.

SO the major issues are that even though I'm supposed to avoid immersion therapy, I'm IMMERSED 24/7.

I've instinctively tried to make our TV 'friendly' by switching to comedy, cooking or gardening channels, leaving it on. With the CCTV going through this TV, when the children are triggering from knowledge or sights of offenders nearby, then they need the CCTV on 24/7 and this can go on for 3+ months post sighting.

I don't do self-care. I don't even look in the mirror. My hairdressing appts are very confronting, she understands - her mother is a SA Psych. H/dresser sees me 1:1 & often does her mum's hair at the same time - hence me being surrounded by psychs ALOT. I'm a psych magnet lol, probably 12 in my circle.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Hi Sleepy 21,

It was hard at the time. Fortunately I learn really well through Visual, Aural, Verbal and Physical learning. So I picked up a lot in class. There was a component of hands on in the course I was doing. I excelled in that area. The study groups helped enormously. I would structure it (think I should have been a teacher Lol) so that we did the theory first, then any hands on we needed to do. Anyone who had to resit an exam (fortunately I never had to) I would take them through whatever theory they needed to do. Consequently the constant repeating of the information, allowed me to absorb it. That said, it's really hard for me to hang onto it. It was a constant battle to retain the information.

There was some advice a lecturer gave me, which helped enormously. He said, don't get overwhelmed by the volume of text you are required to study. He advised that we read the introduction in a text book, then the first and last paragraph in each chapter. He said, the last paragraph nearly always summarises the content of the chapter. I found that information invaluable.

Don't give yourself a hard time about the fact that you haven't read your second hand books as yet. Enjoy what you can read, and if that's comics or magazines I say go for it. Reading is a challenge I believe for a lot of people with PTSD. Be gentle with yourself.

You have a lot of stress on your plate with your study. I remember only too well how much pressure that is.

I feel for you the cold and the heat affect me. Hope you manage to make your place warm and cosy soon.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

That's such beautiful advice Mara, I'm full of admiration for Sleepy21.

I was fortunate enough to have an allied health professional (AHP) merely say to me a number of years ago, "you're having trauma responses". This was directly after an impactful event, offender keeping up severe abuse for c13 months. I shook for 18 months.

I couldn't complete a sentence, I couldn't tie a sentence together.
I "lost" words, I KNEW that I knew the words, but I couldn't "get them back".
I FORGOT everything in my highly qualified & technical field and I was terrified.

My AHP told me that the synapses in my brain had snapped from the trauma. My frontal lobe couldn't connect to my memory stored in my long term storage, vocab was a huge one. He gave me many exercises to do, thank God for him because I would have lost my job. I read a book that I had bought the previous year - I have the book still, It's about rewiring your brain.

Mara has given you great strategies, Sleepy21. Indeed she would have been a wonderful teacher lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Session 2 dominoes.

My 2nd STP session was yesterday. She apologized for making me do the Kessler / open emails etc that had me shaking till 1am. She apologized for a number of things.

She said that in our first session, as she listened to me, she thought that I probably didn't have PTSD. I presented as atypical for PTSD. This EXCITED her lol.

Mara, Croix, thank goodness she realized that. I fall outside the trajectories of specific childhood traumas & abuses.

So after pairing the initial many page Questionnaire with the Kessler and parts of my 'story' told during Session 1. She saw stand out flags for PTSD. So there's the diagnosis. She said "no surprises there for you since you sought a Specialist in PTSD anyway, so you already knew that".

What has happened in the 36h since has been quite astounding to me.
* my mind (with no conscious effort or thought) connected dots of trauma & abuse throughout my life - those of similar themes, around 2.
* seeing these dots connect in my mind, then morphs these dots into dominoes. When the dominoes connect in a line (squiggly mostly) then they all fall down, hitting each other one at a time, the domino effect.
* once the dominoes fall then those events 'lose their power' as random flashbacks etc.
* I've only experienced this a few times in the past 6y or so. It was twice in 36h.
* It appears that this is having a "filing" effect in my mind, exactly what I asked her to do for me, so that the memories are just that - memories stored and I only recall them when I WANT to recall them, not incredibly powerful and traumatic 'reliving' experiences that feel like they come out of nowhere.

Mind / body: I was quite ill last night, fevers, shivering cold in 5 layers of clothing and electric blanket on high, razor blades in my throat. I ate citrus. Drank water. Took liposomal Vit C. Went to sleep. I had a perfectly sound sleep (almost unheard of).
I woke 95% well this morning and now have zero symptoms.
I also woke with the realization that this STP is and will be the only person I tell my whole story to, so far.
My bf knows the most atm. She'll know more.
Speaking the words via my voice / throat area caused issues there.

Realisations of denying my feminine side to remain in combat mode was a powerfully emotional time today.
I feel like I can't "be a woman" unless I'm with my bf, I don't feel safe anywhere else on earth, unless I'm with him. Otherwise I need to protect myself. Domino effect there.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I could totally relate to your experience of not being able to string a sentence together. I hate when I'm like that. It happens to me when I'm having flashbacks or I'm in a situation that causes me anxiety ie those people in DH's life that cause me angst. I know they think I'm an idiot. They don't know about my PTSD. I don't feel safe enough to tell them. I am currently working on not allowing their negativity towards me to cause me to disassociate. It's a work in progress.

I'd would be interested in the exercises and they book you read to help you rewire your brain. If you don't mind sharing that info I'd really appreciate knowing it.

I'm pleased to hear that S is safe. I can totally understand your whole body being heightened with anxiety ATM. I would be exactly the same. It's so hard watching your children go through things like this. I'd rather be going through it myself than watch my child go through it.

I also hope S's physical injuries heal quickly. I know that stepping back from her study was a big decision but sometimes those decisions are necessary. The course will still be there when things have settled a bit for her & she feels in a better place to return to it.

I'm glad your STP apologised also glad she believes you. For me that is crucial. I know the first therapists I saw didn't believe me and that was soul destroying plus it did a lot of damage to me & destroyed what very little trust I had.

I am so glad that the dots are connecting for you. I like your analogy about the dominoes. I also like the idea of a filing effect for the memories in your brain. I feel EMDR is doing that for me.

The mind/body connection is a powerful one. Pleased that most of your symptoms disappeared after a good night's sleep.

We are so much alike Em. My psych and my DH know the most about my past. My psych knowing the most. He & I only discussed this at my recent session. I had such a hard time telling the GP the basics about the SA so I could get my referral. I've always had the attitude that I only discuss my trauma "on a need to know basis" What we discussed in our session would take to long to explain but he certainly gave me a lot to think about.

Yes the feminine. Snap. I feel safest with my psych & DH but I don't feel totally safe with anyone. My psych has been so constant & so generous to me but trust for me... I sometimes feel like a wounded wild animal hiding under a bed with my psych ever so gently encouraging me to slowly step out.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

We are so much alike. I agree with your post above as per lol.

The book is called "Evolve your brain" by Joe Dispenza D.C. GORGEOUS man. I purchased this book c6 months before a major trauma event. Fortunately.

The AHP who had been seeing me for around 6-8y by then also purchased the book after I told him about it. Ofcourse he read it through before me lol, it's full of medical terminology so right up your alley Mara 😉

SO at the point of the trauma, the AHP was beyond more than prepped, not only by THIS book but his life long studies on wellness, and he immediately recognized the distinct changes in me. I had told him some of the traumatic things straight after and during. I said "I forgot everything...(about my work)" and "I can't find words I know.."

Synapses snapped.

There were many physical activities he told me to do. Being "during" the trauma also, I could barely do a thing, I was being traumatized 24/7. I began doing these activities more about 14 months ago and ended up with severe vertigo. None of them involved spinning. The vertigo was from flashbacks we worked out..... can explain if you like.

The cognitive activities I HAD to try to do at the time were extremely laborious. One by one I took EVERY key text, research study, published paper, manual relevant to my job and studied the first and last paragraph (lol) and made summaries. Highlighted key words with definitions.

Made a phrase book of sentences I needed to say regularly and rote practiced them out loud.
I felt like a robot but these supported me greatly to remain competent at work.

Same with the highly legal paperwork I had to complete. I brought up all the ones I had previously completed (before event) and marveled that I could write that at all lol. I began writing practice ones.

SO because I happened to find my Joe Dispenza book last night whilst find needlework things for my youngest daughter lol - I had always hidden important things so exH wouldn't find them and throw them away or sell them.
I took it to bed and there are a few sections on PSTD. Nothing new to me and no doubt you either.

It's the rewiring that's important to me.

I'm not doing that at the moment. Just trying to keep heads above water lol. And heads sleeping soundly.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: identifying triggers. Dumpers.

A very difficult day today. I woke early and felt fine then the schedule changed, got a bit 'wobbly' but was ok.
Dealt with changes and I'd promised myself to go to Bunnings to buy new things for my garden.
I knew I couldn't go looking for these things - I begin to trigger looking for things here. There has been so much destruction and theft. It triggers me to think about looking for a list of materials & tools. But if I discover that I can't find them then the MAJOR triggers begin. Flashbacks thunder into my mind (speaking dissociatively but I don't know how else to describe this).

SO in an attempt to avoid all that most of the time I just go out & buy what I need for a project, tools & all.

Today I wanted to do this. When I got to Bunnings across the road from my son's workplace I was just at, I broke down in tears in the car in the carpark. I couldn't face going in. I began shaking. Crying.

I texted a friend I was supposed to text early. She texted straight back. I already sensed there was something going on with her the night before. Just a sense. But I thought my reward for getting into Bunnings was to speak with her after it. I barely made it through Bunnings, moving quickly and forgetting half the things on my list. Then I ran into her in Bunnings! She told me, there was something going on but could I come over to her house tomorrow.

Ofcourse I worried. We have been friends for 45y. I phoned her & she said she couldn't tell me over the phone. I need to respect her wishes but gosh I've been worried, she had major heart surgery 18 months ago. I will visit her tomorrow.

I need to identify more triggers. I'm really struggling to lead even close to a 'normal life'. A thing that was connected to the trigger I had this morning was to do with 2 workplaces of offenders. The offender was immediately sacked from Bunnings on somebody else's report. A related person works in a place one of my adult children wants me to go with them to, to buy 5 whitegoods at the same time. This adult child, T, asked me only yesterday. I said "okay" then stood straight up and said "NO, I can't".

Ts insistence is realised by me now. I gave in.

Psych friend helped me this afternoon in my garden to finish a project, we talked. My primary aim is now for self-care, not projects. A promise only for self-care.

Triggers: offenders workplaces, life threats / dangers to those I love, discovery of damage / theft at my home.

EM

[Guest_1643]

Thanks Mara for your beautiful advice

EM - I was reading about the experience of losing words. The words are there, I think. the brain is just in overwhelm. We are like stunned all the time.

I hope everything is okay for your friend. It's hard when we care and feel their feelings, and not knowing and having that interaction at Bunnings is quite intense!!!
I hope that writing it out helped a bit, how is your garden going? WIth all the triggers on working on it, you are truly amazing how you perservere.

Love to hear your shares

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy21

Yes the words are there but those words we 'fumble for' and 'can't find' are stored in the long term memory part of our brain (forgotten the place's name)…. words like discombobulated - words we don't use in every day simple sentences, so when we want to ACCESS that specific word for the first time (after a traumatic event) and maybe for the first number of times, we can't.
We stutter KNOWING there's a better word back in our brain somewhere that we USED to know and use, but now all of a sudden, we can't find it.
This happened to me POST a SIGNIFICANT traumatic event but I had no idea connected "events" would continue for 5 years. Courts etc. The direct abuse occurred for about 13 months after the first chain mentioned here.

It's impossible to explain it all and I wouldn't want to burden anyone with more stuff.

About a month after the initial significant event I saw the AHP. I barely told him anything but he could SEE and HEAR my issues, just noted them. As I began to work again, I was discombobulated (lol) with the zero access to more rarely used vocab in my daily life but MOST of them were in my work life. So I panicked more and told the AHP.

He said "your synapses have snapped". You have to reconnect the wiring in your brain and link your frontal lobe BACK to your long term memory part of your brain. Hence the study ensued, years of it.

Yes I completely agree that it is a feeling of overwhelm, at times AFTER the event, but for me it was that the functioning of the brain was changed due to trauma. Not unalteringly changed, I worked hard and long to reconnect and now I can feel 'wobbly' when I know I'm about to TRY to access a specific word, but I calm and move slowly into it, usually finding it now.

I estimate it to be about 300 re-representations of the word BEFORE it becomes a smooth connection. I say RE because it already had to be represented a lot to become part of my (and anyone else's) long term memory to begin with. I estimate another 300 times ON TOP of that.

My STP cannot believe I have kept working in my field. Lol neither can I tbh. I'm quite sure after our last appt that she will recommend that I medically retire / retire.

I don't plan on doing this, probably not at all, or ever. Work is a SAFE place for me. I don't trigger probably at all or so rarely and it's extremely mild there. I need to take data lol.

Anyway I'm only back 3d per week in 6 weeks time. That's completely manageable IME.

Love EM