new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Mara56]

Dear Em (with a wave to Croix),

I totally agree with everything Croix said. Sadly, people often look for someone to blame and clearly it is easier for them to blame you than the offenders especially when they have been manipulated by them. And as you say a lot of abuse happened after you ACs left home. I empathise with you on this one. I know in my own situation, my sister left home when I was 4 years old. My younger brother and sister weren't even born then. Yet she will tell everyone that we had it much easier than her. WT..... She at least knew my father sober. I didn't until I was 19. She had absolutely no idea what happened in the home. Just as your ACs obviously didn't realise just how bad things were. You can only hope with the passage of time as your younger children get older, they can enlighten them.

Totally agree with you in relation to your children's career choices. Good on you for having the awareness and the ability to love and support them to make the choices that are right for them. Their paths are not our paths. It is their life and you are an amazing Mumma to be able to allow them to be themselves.

So much evil in this world. I truly hope and pray that one day your ACs will be able to see through the manipulation and the evil that has been generated by your family and the perpetrator.

Really pleased to hear that the PTSD triggers have settled. Certainly seems that the work you are doing with the STP is paying off.

I hope that the rest of your break is nurturing and relaxing.

Sending a big cyberhug.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Thankyou Mara, the cyberhug was lovely lol! Here's one back - CY -BER-HUG.

I've encouraged ACs to see Counsellors about "their issues" but they don't. SO it all becomes my issue I see. HOW convenient for them. There's no way on earth I could do what they accused me of doing. There's NO WAY anyone could MAKE me do it either.

A few years ago I was asked by ACs just HOW I "got my money"... was it because I did x y z?
OMG NO. Omg omg omg no.
SO they said "is there any evidence in your BANK records of you receiving money from (offenders)?"
OMG NO!
I got dressed out of my PJs in the middle of the night and reported this all to police immediately.
Police looked at offenders records and notes and said forget about it. They looked at mine too - nothing to see.

But this lingers, now to know that ACs suspicions of me were NEVER laid to rest.

NOW I'M ANGRY.

The poison they shot at me then and on the weekend has made me physically ill. I still haven't recovered from the assault dream last week. I'm seeing a Dr tomorrow and getting all sorts done.

My younger children are so sweet, gentle and kind. They will never bring it up with ACs and trigger pretty badly when ACs push them on these topics.

As Croix eluded, the ACs have become abusers too. I'm furious that yet again I have to protect myself and my children from abusive family members - my own adult children.

My "money" came from ME. I worked multiple jobs relentlessly since 14yo to put myself through school and University. Got 3 Scholarships. Saved for everything. Never had a car loan, always paid cash for cars. Bought a home the moment I could and paid up to double repayments to get ahead. Kept buying property. NEVER blew my Tax Returns but put them into investments. I do awesome Tax Returns lol my father was an accountant. I DIDN'T drink, do drugs, gamble or have credit cards or ANY store credit. I didn't get handouts or loans from anyone.

Everything "fell apart" during my last horrid marriage but during this time I learnt the most incredible skills to save money because we had none. exH was stealing and selling everything I owned saying they were 'missing'. I ran up to 5 home businesses and studied as well as Home Schooled, growing lots of food for us and trading the rest.

SO ACs THAT'S how you "get" money. No mystery there.

Better being angry (for a short while lol) than depressed!

And if my children want to be anything (legal) then I will support them.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I am so sorry to hear that your ACs haven't gone to counselling. Sadly for a lot of people it is so much easier to blame someone else than to look at themselves and their actions. We had the same problem with DH's kids. He offered to go to counselling with them, they refused. There is nothing more you can do. They're adults and you just hope with time they'll seek counselling. With your ACs whilst they may not be acknowledging it ATM I have to believe that because of your awareness that with time they will see that there is a benefit in looking after your MH. I truly hope for your sake that is the case.

You should never have to justify your finances to anyone and especially not your ACs. You have worked hard, had the right priorities, all while raising a family and working. No one has the right to question you on that. I feel angry on your behalf that they questioned it. Croix hit the nail on the head when he said that they have become the abusers now.

You are a shining light for so many people. If more people did what you have done, worked hard, took responsibility for themselves and there dependent children, the world would be a better place IMHO.

Yes anger is definitely better than depression.

Re: dreams, I'm having so many nightmares ATM. So can totally understand when you say that you're still triggered from the assault dream.

Thank you for the returned Cyberhug. It is very much appreciated.

Well I'm not going to write a lot. My head is not in a good space. I have elaborated on my thread.

You take care of yourself lovely lady.

Sending much love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, I have responded on your thread.

I also saw the Dr today & it's not good news. I have been SO unwell since the assault dream but I have had pain in my abdominal area for my whole marriage & since. I didn't know he was poisoning me.

Almost a decade ago now, I was so ill I had over 6 months off work. GP had no clue. Ofcourse neither did I.
She addressed a stomach ulcer whether it was or not. I had "oscopies" & horrible things were found. The entire flap of my stomach was burnt to nothing. It was evidence of poisoning we know now but overlooked as such at the time. I took ulcer meds. The pain remained.

But with the blow up / courts etc I was in combat mode for years & barely saw a Dr.

I see different GPs now. A gastro specialist's receptionist phoned today confirming receipt of the referral so I wait to find out when I see him. They will do more investigations in hospital. Last time they did "oscopies" I woke in the middle & had to lay still while they completed removal of all sorts, I watched their work on the screen even though I didn't want to.

My stomach has bloated about 6x bigger & the pain is excruciating at times, I can barely sit up & the pains are all over my middle, front and back.

Sleep is disturbed & when I wake at night, I just cry over ACs. The evil look in Eldest daughter's face as she said THE WORST thing I've ever been accused of, keeps appearing to me 24/7. Yes it's abuse, I'm having flashbacks of it. It's like I'm in the middle of my worst nightmares again. I'm brokenhearted. I haven't spoken to my bf because I can't utter the words to tell him about all this.

I know I've slipped a disc from the sharp pains (I had 3 slipped discs last week when I saw my chiro). Chiro sees all of us next week & will put them back in again. I'm trying not to slip more but there it is.

Today I told the children that I need help. I want to keep this house but IDK, "Single Parenting" & fighting for so many children for over 30y, has taken it's toll. I'm tired. If I wasn't treated like a doormat it would be easier.

If I had a modicum of respect from ACs then yeah. That's clearly not happening.

So we are 2 peas in a pod. Walking a near parallel path.

I'm reading "You are the Placebo" and listening to Dr Joe's meditation CDs in bed. I fall asleep & wake alot all day and night. I just start them over.

Our smoking ceremonies will go ahead rain or shine. Holding your hand dear friend.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

OMG! Could we have any more in common? My gastric problems started just over a decade ago. Not due to poisoning, mine was genetics. I am appalled that your ex poisoned you. How dare he do that to you. My heart goes out to you for all that you have had to endure.

Oscopies I am so sick of them. I am forever having to have them and it now looks like I won't be getting any respite from them given the latest discovery. I so need a new body. Wouldn't it be lovely if you could go to a shop like a car repair shop and say "can I have a new stomach and knees and spine and lists goes on..." LOL.

I can imagine how heart breaking your ACs behaviour has been for you. I can see by your posts just what a loving supportive Mum you are so that have abuse leveled at you like that from your eldest daughter of course it's going to impact you. You have tried so hard to do the right thing by your kids and to be treated this way is awful. The fact that it has impacted you the way it has says to me what a good Mum you are because if you weren't you wouldn't care what was said or how you were judged.

Your seeing Chiro, I've just got back from the physio. No surprise that we both have problems with our spines LOL. I'm starting to wonder if we both were twins and separated at birth LOLOLOL.

I understand you not being able to talk to your BF. When I've been triggered the first thing that happens is I shut down and I can't speak. My psych is use to it now, I think it must be a PTSD thing. That said, I hope you do reach out to your BF you need all the love and support you can get and I'm sure he would want to give it to you.

Single parenting is without a doubt the toughest gig. I was a single parent for 12 years so I have know what it's like. That said, it can also be the most rewarding job. It sounds like your younger children know the truth. Hopefully with time your ACs will too.

I wish I could read. I can't even focus on a TV show ATM. It will get better I know especially once we get out of this house. On a positive note my physio returned from maternity leave today. She was asking me all about the house. She and her husband are looking to buy and she like the sounds of our place. It might not come to anything but I felt a little hopeful after leaving my appt.

I am so touched that you are doing the smoking ceremonies for R. It means more that you could ever know.

Sending much love and healing hugs to you.

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Ofcourse we'll have Rs

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Yes ofcourse we're doing Rs Ceremonies here on the 3rd and the 7th. xxxx

Mmmm what a parallel set of whirlwinds we're facing. I started taking the ulcer meds last night.

Today I went to a huge 'Organic' / vitamin / supplement warehouse nearby and bought some Arnika pillules, Liposomal Vit C, Vit A and Glutomine I think it was. I am drinking all sorts of infusion teas; Ginger, licorice, pomegranate and others.

I had a contraceptive removed yesterday, so I'm bleeding quite a bit. I have iron supplements for that.

Today was the first day since Sunday that I stayed awake most of the day. I'm just so exhausted all of a sudden.
I know PTSD gets adrenaline going, I imagine that high anxiety would too.

At least this broken heart is putting me to sleep. Not keeping me awake!

Yes my previous GP confirmed that the only explanation we could come up with was poisoning, you see I miraculously got BETTER when I got him out. I know it was exH. He used to say the most craziest things to me... he knew it would click one day if I lived that long.
I did. So it clicked.

My Super would treble upon my (early) death, with the Life Insurance attached. He had breached my Super account and taken ACs names off as beneficiaries. I found out after I went No Contact.

I found out SO MUCH after I went NC.

Then it ALL made sense. He found a woman with "property", me, and impregnated me and hoped it was only one child so he could leave quickly and get 50/50 ... then that wasn't enough. And it wasn't only ONE baby. And he wanted EVERYTHING. He used all sorts which runs parallel with my blood tests. Ofcourse those poisons were never tested but they manifested as different things. My cousin is a pathologist and it all ran true. Shocking. Miraculous the children and I survived. Anyway my body was very damaged.

FINALLY I am hoping to repair it.

I got a text "apology" from one AC. But it was weak excusing their behaviours and I said so. I said a bit more too.
Then later a response asking how I am. whatevs.

3 kids worked last night and another 3 working tonight - gosh IDK how I did it all working full-time. They finish so late and it's so cold, I get freezing and often take a hot water bottle! lol.

I was born in Asia lol so unless you were too, I'm afraid we're not twins separated at birth. Shame.

One child got lost on a bushwalk this afternoon, never a dull moment lol. He's home safe now.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Yes I remember that you were born in Asia. LOL. I was born in Australia. So definitely not twins at least not biologically. There are so many similarities in our journeys. I'm so glad we connected. It helps knowing there is someone out there who has similar life experiences.

I'm on ulcer meds all the time. I'm prone to erosive oesophagitis and gastritis. That is what complicated the recent situation with my pancreas because what I was experiencing could have been related to either of these conditions. I'm a huge believer in Vit C. I take it daily. Truly hope that the combination of your ulcer meds and natural treatments helps heals your digestive tract quickly.

I think you are right about exhaustion and high anxiety. I hope you manage to get some rest. I know what it's like to have a broken heart. I am sending you love and hugs.

I have no words for you Ex. Except to say that the type of person who would poison you for your insurances, well that is pure evil. I am so glad that you are physically safe from him now. I know his manipulation continues with you ACs but thank God he can't physically get to you. I admire your strength and courage to leave him, and also to fight him in Court. You are an incredibly brave woman. A beacon of light for other DV victims.

Just wondering if you've ever had a hair analysis done? I did that years ago. They can pick up toxins in your blood from analysising your hair. I didn't have anything in mine but I was glad I did it.

Good for you for calling out your AC's weak apology. Hopefully the longer they sit with it they may realise just how inappropriate their treatment towards you was. I hope so. I reckon nothing hurts more than when the children you have worked so hard to protect, raise and love, turn on you. My youngest did that once, he apologised later but it really hurt at the time. You are such a hard working, loving and supportive mother I hope in time your ACs see you through their eyes and not the lens of the Ex.

Well I'll leave there. I'm off for a walk. A lot on this weekend. R's anniversary is on Sun so I probably won't be back online till next week. I hope the weekend is a relaxing and healing one for you.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, yes many Prayers for tomorrow & this weekend. All things GO here, so watch out neighbours!

No doubt it was poisoning. It's been many years since "its" time here with us, so no hair analysis done. I did cut some for "one day" but I know the poisons used & they were various. it gave me 'hints' remember - sick.
ACs are not its children, they saw enough to despise him. 2 of their spouses sided with it though. One left our family recently - good work for that - the other turned around quickly after youngest D disclosed in Court years ago.

If I HADN'T realised the poisoning a year after we got it out (its a demon, not human)... then I wouldn't have fought with every cell in my body for 100% care of the children. It's virtually impossible to get 100% care so it was a mammoth set of battles.

Then the disclosures came. THAT was the worst of everything. Well not the disclosures ofcourse - the REALISATION of what it had done. COMPLETELY EVIL.

The disclosures were only the beginning of my baby girl's healing journey. I am SO PROUD of her. I am SO PROTECTIVE of her & so are ALL of her siblings. She's working out her confusion... a life time full of demon filling her head with lies to manipulate her sweet innocent mind.

All the abusers including my own mother have mind- effed the ACs and almost succeeded with the younger children. Now all are staunchly NC. They shut my mother down immediately when she lies about me.

Anyway it's done. WE ARE DONE. it is no more. You may now see WHY youngest Ds older brothers all want to join the Police force and become lawyers etc. They've ALL said they would KNOW an abuser at first sight. And they do! And they want to protect women & their children always. They do already.

ACs including eldest D made heartfelt apologies by phone today. Even though my youngest children KNOW I never ask them to take sides or anything childish, they were all NC with their eldest siblings UNTIL they pulled their heads in & did the right thing in aiding some repairs to what they did. I guess ACs knew there was never going to be any going forward until they meant their apologies.

There did sound to be some deep remorse going on. I've never heard this from them.

Youngest children have said about the abusers "All we have to do is look at what THEY did in their lives & DO the COMPLETE OPPOSITE, then we'll be good people". They're right too.

Love light and healing
EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

"All we have to do is look at what THEY did in their lives & DO the COMPLETE OPPOSITE" is my philosophy too. As I may have mentioned I was dis-inherited, which made me realise that parental love had always been absent. So it was an excellent guide in it's way, the sort of handbook you read upside-down.

I do have one observation which may or may not be welcome. I get the feeling from all you write that you must try to sort everything yourself - you do an admirable job - and I understand why.

However just the passage of time can be beneficial, some people have good buried in them that does eventually emerge. That is a hidden ally for you, thus bringing a small smattering of extra hope.

Now I'll go all 60's on you - "Peace"

Croix