new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Croix, lol Peace to you also man ✌ and mung beans 🤣😂

Oh gosh I can't even find what comment you think would not be welcomed lol. IDK!

Families can be another eff word. We've sure learnt ALOT but probably exactly the opposite from what they'd all think lol in our 'upside down book'.

There's always so much drama and I'm fine with a natural disaster or pandemic which is out of our control but the dramas created by individuals just for the sake of their own boredom or IDK crappy selves (yes I'm being harsh) or put more softly, the issues spewing out at me because of their choice to believe lies and not even ASK me about them, but assume. Assumption is an ass.

I left ACs to gossip and carry on as much as they wanted to bathe in those cesspools.

In this specific case they didn't.

So I'm proud of them. I know saying sorry is difficult lol for some it's impossible, but they did and showed remorse. This shows the ACs "coming into themselves" and growing up well, or better.

My psych friend just texted this to me from somewhere "It just occurred to me that many people are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they've experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma & that unknown can be terrifying". Must be American lol.

But THIS is what my family DNA is. And my friend Ts life too absolutely. Who ARE they without drama?

For me right now, the more I talk about these past experiences then I am not only cementing them in my mind - body, but I am disabling my healing and most definitely cutting out entire expanses of waking time where I am opening up opportunities for a far 'higher', better more fulfilling life.

Ofcourse the genes I need to deactivate include the need for a "fix".
Hence me "being" through meditation and grounding activities in the precious present.
Expanding my thoughts to the quantum field and being able to attend to creative opportunities.

I'm gathering my 'new' tribe. It feels comfortable and calm. I'm happy with that!

Love Em

[ecomama]

Update: 2 days before Session 6

My first 'in person' session with STP is in 2 days.
I finally get to MEET her lol.

I'm glad I had c2 week's break from STP sessions.

My homework was to NOT avoid anything because of fear of triggering. I didn't mindfully avoid anything for those reasons.

The only thing I avoided was contacting ACs after that event. This was mindful NC. Not because of triggering, just good sense.

The things I was avoiding I did below:

I was very unwell and saw my GP, had a procedure done and got a referral and had to chase that up and will have to do again this week. For another set of overdue procedures.

I did very well in my Accountant's appt and got an extra $1500 in my return - well for the Govt lol. All good.

I took around 35 garbage bags out of the house and disseminated around. About 10 x more to go lol!

I've been checking my private email almost daily.

Applied for Active Kids vouchers and forwarded them to providers.

Sent an email that will upset one provider about discontinuing with them. I had $5000 on payment plans this time last year and paid the balance today. BUT only AFTER I checked ALL my bank records and found I'd paid them a lot more than they said. That'll be fun exchanges if they disagree. I have bank records lol.

I called a company to send replacement cards for our Health Fund. Finally lol.

I am cooking ALOT more.

I bought all the whitegoods and arranged fitters to fit them all. They arrive this week so that's pretty exciting.

I began to "Spring Clean" the kitchen - doing a few hours per day if I felt well enough. It's looking lovely.

I phoned a friend I hadn't spoken to in years and we had a wonderful catch up. She's now HAPPILY divorced and we have a lot in common so it was lovely to catch up.

I end calls with my bf that give me a pain in my gut. I have greatly reduced our talking time and it's done wonders for me.

I spoke with my head boss yesterday and she is happy to give me 3d per week for maybe the rest of the year.
That call was so lovely and positive.

I cut out sugar, gluten, dairy and my favourite habit Tarzan jubes lol! My mid section feels more well now.

There's so much to do because of the backlog of worst triggering during the Courts for years, no time then either. Then paying things I had put on payment plans to pay legals. Then Covid.
Then realizing I'll always have an excuse lol.
But I'm choosing only to do these things to spark joy!

EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

Just reading of all you have done makes me want to take a rest, are you sure your pacemaker has not gone into overdrive?

Croix (who must be confectionally deprived as has never heard of Tarzan Jubes)

[ecomama]

OH NO WHAT?

You say you are around MY vintage yet no Tarzan jubes? How have you SURVIVED??
They sold them at schools here when we were young lol, they were marketed as "cough" lollies, 1c then 2c a piece! lol.

A shop sells them with a new name but this shop mostly sells rejects. I think they're called Menthol Jubes or something. omg addicted and also to eucalyptus lollies lol. My bf can't stand the smell of either lol. I gave up eucalyptus lollies a while back.

I just checked my pacemaker - ooops, I don't think it's working! Hold on.....

Oh it must just be my OWN heart pumping! Well done heart.

I'm most definitely hyperactive but only in the sense that I CANNOT sit still for very long at all lol.
I always have to be physically active - it drives my ACs crazy lol....
UNTIL I go over to their houses then they love it - I work in their gardens. Chop wood. Help move furniture. Hang washing out, bring washing in etc etc. ANYTHING I CAN FIND lol.

I LOVE working hard. It helps me sleep well and keeps my back from seizing up.

You rascal Croix 🙂
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em (with a wave to Croix),

I am so pleased to hear that your AC's have apologised and are remorseful. It is testament to all the good work you have done and it is definitely a sign of growth within them.

I have heard that saying in relation to trauma becoming a person's identity. Certainly I have known people along the way who have done just that. It's sad, because they miss the good that is happening in their lives. I think for me that hardest part of the last 18 months has been being thrown back into my past. I had years prior to that where the scars of my past trauma were there but they didn't intrude in my life. I had reached a place where they didn't affect me. Then that hospital admission triggered me majorly and I've been dealing with it ever since. Mind this time I'm dealing with it at a much deeper level so maybe after this I can return to peace, that's my goal anyway.

I am so impressed by all the work you have done since we last spoke. You're a dynamo! I'm exhausted just reading about it. Lol. I use to be hyperactive, not so much now. I remember when I was hypervigilant I use to get so much work done. There a days I miss all that energy. Lol.

Croix, I cannot believe that you haven't heard of Tarzan jubes! They have been around since I was girl and I'm pretty ancient. Lol.

I love reading your posts Em. They are filled with so much energy and positivity.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Hi MARA!

So nice to have you back, I know tomorrow is the 7th. Our 2nd Smoking Ceremony. Hugs.
Best wishes for tomorrow.

Well, parallel lives alright. I read about DH... and replied there. Mmmm.

Last night I had had enough of my bf.
Briefly: yesterday I called him after a week of being extremely unwell. He knew that. I hadn't spoken to him for 8 days. He expects me to call every day, no matter what.
Yesterday we spoke for about an hour about stuff (I haven't told him about ACs). Then he lunged into a 90 minute rant about a coworker of his - M - with the same story, for the umpteenth time, over four long years.
He really lost his mind about M, imagining ALL sorts of absolute garbage.
I intermittently gave him multiple strategies as I've done for FOUR LONG YEARS.

EVERY single call for months M is in it.

Bf blew off every strategy.
I surmised bf LIKES ranting about M & told him so, it's been too long etc.
Told him I don't want to KNOW about M anymore, I live on the other side of the globe, will never meet him & it's all on bf. I expressly said that talking to him (bf) this year has negatively impacted my MH. I could feel my anxiety rising & asked to end the call.

He asked for an outline of "how he wasn't good for my MH".
I gave this list PRECISELY.

Then he said that I "put pressure on him to visit" AND "put pressure on him to live there". I asked to end the call again.

THEN bf asked how my health was... 2.5 HOURS into the call. I told him - news isn't good. About 3 mins.
THEN he began ranting about M again!
He laughed at me wanting to end the call again. I did.

Hours later I texted an apology for him "feeling pressure" and that ALL PRESSURE IS OFF.
"Engagement" is OFF.
ZERO expectations.
I NEVER expect him to visit.
I NEVER expect him to live here.
Told him I expect same from him.
Simply asked him if he wanted to stay friends.

BF has visited ONCE. I have visited FOUR times.
My whole family was going to the U.S. this Christmas but we called it off due to Covid.
I have never asked him to visit.
It was an OBVIOUS choice that he live here, for reasons including my children.
He has ONE older child he sees maybe once a year. That can be done from Australia we concluded.
Who on earth would choose to live in the U.S. vs Australia NOW? not us.

How ridiculous.

I'm getting better, he's getting WORSE. He refuses to seek help. He has depression, keeps drinking & now has anxiety.

Feeling "shrugging shoulders" IDK. Relieved?

Love EM

[ecomama]

I need to leave for my STP appt soon.

Last night, I felt sad at bf saying those things. I had a headache and went to sleep.

For 5y we have planned all sorts together.

Each time I had a gut instinct that maybe the thought of moving here was too much?
I brought it up with him and he reiterated that he wants that.

I felt trapped between what my gut was telling me and what he was telling me.

I believe (maybe know by his words) that my gut was right.

SO this morning at 4am, instead of waking with a good feeling, I felt sad. I had a few tears, not many.

IDK it IS sad ending a relationship that so much has gone into. SO MUCH.

The strange thing is that instead of the "empty" feeling I thought I'd have if we ever broke up, I feel full.

My life is rich with beautiful people and wonderful things like a great career, great kids and great pets! lol.

I live in a veritable paradise. Beautiful weather. Incredible home and garden.

After our home was left devastated and neglected for so long it was THIS relationship that gave me so much motivation to MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL again. I've been doing this in earnest, visualizing my bf happily living here with me. And we grow old together.

We both LOVE to cook! Grow wonderful food.

Even the appliances I bought that are arriving tomorrow were with HIM in mind.

Now there's a bittersweet feeling about their arrival, when I was so excited before!
Having workmen here all day toiling. IDK it's lost its shine for me.

Love me

[ecomama]

Update: STP Session 6. 1st in person session.

I was late for my appt, delayed by an AC calling with great news!

I got lost lol, had holiday traffic, found clinic. Oh well. I apologized. She was great.

She had lots of questions for me. I'm getting tired, I feel sad about bf. He said sorry but he's not denying it's the truth what he said. So there's no future. I was frustrated & angry about him wasting 5y of my life future faking & keeping me entangled in a long distance relationship. Barely a response to my texts.

I guess we're NC. So I lost my future partner and my closest friend in 2 days.

😞

STP said there are 2 things I have to do (she was anxious I was returning to work - she still doesn't get it. It's not WORK, it's the rest of it)

1. I have to regulate. So if I feel anxious I ground myself. (If I feel depressed I guess I do things to make me feel happy - hard losing a partner 😞 lol I'm being a big baby tonight).

2. When I have a thought then I have to challenge that thought.
Hmmm interesting lol when we have about 60 000 thoughts a day, I'll be busy!

We didn't speak much about bf just that it looks like I broke up with him.
She asked me if I could maintain distance LOL I said EASY he lives on the other side of the planet AND the borders are closed!
But I do want to contact him. I'm holding back.
He would usually expect me to phone him. I just can't atm, he'd probably ramble about M. He would think everything's fine.

It's not. I don't think he wants to be friends. IDK anything.

Psych said the ball is in my Court.

She asked me if I would KNOW if someone was gaslighting me. I said I would HOPE so but I really don't know.

She said she perceives me as a very strong person who wouldn't take shit from anyone doing the horrors that exH did. I know. Everyone thinks and says that. exH said that he "had the Police in his pocket", so if I called them then I would be removed from the house. I was afraid for the children if that happened.

Anyway that's in the past.

Today my future doesn't seem solid like it has for 5y with bf. An old school friend said to me recently, BOY YOU would smash it in online dating! yeah yuck. NO THANK YOU. Not my cup of tea.

Plus I don't trust ANYONE. Nobody. No one 100%, that's safe.

I owned so much LESS years ago & was seen as a target to take from BACK THEN ughhh.

LIFTING MY GAME to suit myself now 100% lol. Oh & all my kids lol!

I saw online Courses I liked. Maybe that. IDK.

Not a Fairy Tale after all.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Yes our parallel lives continue. Why am I not surprised that we both are having relationship issues. Good on you for calling out your ex-BF on the “M” issue. Also want to acknowledge your awareness and wisdom. It sounds like you have tried to support your BF but ultimately he has do the work. I admire the fact that recognised that and stepped away. You are a courageous lady.

5 years is a long time to invest in a relationship. It is only natural that you would feel sad. You had a whole future planned together. That said, I’m pleased you felt full this morning. You have so many good things in your life. You have worked hard to get to where you are. It warms my heart to hear you speak of positives in your life.

In relation to the BF giving you motivation. You are the most motivated person I know. And whilst the relationship with your BF may have inspired you to turn your home into a paradise, it you who did the work. You deserve to enjoy it.

I know the appliances have lost their shine but hopefully once they’re installed some of that excitement will return.

I hope your STP session went well today. I am sending so much healing energy your way.

Much love

Mara

[Croix]

Dear EM

Forgive me if I repeat myself, sometimes I forget who I've said what to. Put it down to advancing decrepitude, I'm not a young whippersnapper like you.

When my first wife passed away I advertised for another soulmate and met lots of people. Their ideas were dreams, not practical, idealized scenarios where all was well and the new person sort of just fitting in to their established routine, with all the benefits of a realtionship and none of the drawbacks -or at least accommodations.

I've had/have 2 soulmates and have lived with both before marrying. Fortunately in each case our feelings were confirmed. NOT try before you buy, it came naturally.

Long Distance Relationships I think must have an element of that in them. meetings are by mutual agreement, subjects discussed are often in the abstract, and the clues one thinks one is pickup up tend to be less than if the person was actually there with you. You are not in their world or they in yours.

Might I suggest you are giving up not just a person but a partial dream. I guess that makes it even sadder and more poignant too

It won't help your trust of course, that is a battle I suspect you will always have, there are those that are kind and steadfast, it is your misfortune that the only one you know is you. Still even without those repugnant dating sites you never know.

You mentioned gaslighting, which I'm not sure would apply here. It may well be that a person becomes stuck, between what they think they want and practical everyday living with all its distractions. A sort of state that can go on for a long time with promises made but not with fervor.

I expect he would have felt pressures, but as much from himself as you.

Maybe you have already received all there was to give and those 5 years were not wasted. Hope lived (and , knowing you, will live again in another way).

I'm not sure about the fairy tale, what role do you play?

Croix (would not mind playing Earnest)