New Here, Old Trauma

[Knuckleberry_Poe]

Hi, I don't know how to start this post. So I'll just post what I wrote late last night.

Hell found me. Once more after many years. It found me but I went looking for it. The flashes of faces in my head just wouldn’t stop. I just wanted them to stop. Why won’t they stop? So on a windy night, after midnight, curled up in my blankets with the big tv still on because I can’t sleep in the dark, I stumbled into purgatory. I’m tired and anxious and shit scared.
His face won’t leave me alone. Tap, tap, tap in my memory he goes. It’s so frustrating that I want to cry. His face is there. It’s always there. It’s been in my memory for thirty years. The problem is, I can’t see his features, it’s like something has taken a sheet of course sandpaper to it and wiped it clean. I get snatches of a smile, a whiff of sawdust and cologne. An impression of strong firm hands and shock of white hair. It’s a jumbled puzzle that my brain can’t piece together, because I don’t want to.
I’ve been looking for Hell for thirty years and Hell has found me tonight. It found me through an old photo I found online. It found me because the memory is a scab that won’t close over. The photo was there with memories from a history of time. And it wasn’t his face I noticed first. It was his name, listed as the teacher but he wasn’t in the photo. The next time I found him it was those all too familiar clothes and his physique. The third time I found him was in a photo from 1985. Six years before my hell began. It was in a staff photo and there were no names, but I recognised some of the other teachers too. Maybe not their names but there was a familiarity about them. Til I found him, it was that shock of white hair that drew me. The photo was small and as I zoomed in it blurred the faces of every teacher there. Still that feeling of fear from thirty years ago became a living entity inside of me. I froze and stopped breathing. Scared that he would reanimate from the photo and become a holographic nightmare in front of me.
Hell found me. Tonight. It found me again because thirty one years ago as I attended school Hell found me. And released a monster into my life that I’ve never been able to get rid of.

[Sophie_M]

HI Knuckleberry Poe,

Welcome to our wonderful online forums community. This is a safe place where users give and recieve support to one another based on their own experiences of mental health. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need.

It's important to remember that while the peer support offered here is often quick, it is not immediate. For more immediate support we recommend reaching out to our Support Service on 1300 22 4636 anytime 24/7 for brief counselling, support and referrals. As you are dealing with trauma from your childhood, we recommend reaching out to our friends at the Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380, 7 days a week between 9am and 5pm AEDT
or via email helpline@blueknot.org.au.

We are so grateful you felt brave enough to reach out to us as you have here and encourage you to keeping checking in and letting us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[james1]

Hello Knuckleberry Poe,

Thanks for posting here. I understand you were feeling very scared last night, and perhaps have been feeling that way for a long time.

I certainly don't want to pressure you into saying any more than you feel comfortable doing so, but please do know that we are here to talk to you if you'd like. Sophie_M has also suggested some other good support sites.

Take care, and do let us know if you'd to talk or have any questions.

James

[Knuckleberry_Poe]

Thankyou.

[Knuckleberry_Poe]

Thanks to all who replied. I was very wound up last night and I did call an after hours helpline.
It's been thirty one years since I walked into that Catholic High School. The woodwork teacher molested me over a period of 5 years.   
As this was going on I was also being beaten at school. There was a lot more that happened. So I don't know why what the teacher did bothers me more than that.
It just does
I found photos of our school on Facebook and he was in them. I felt my stomach clench. I wanted to scream and throw my phone at the wall.
I'm getting therapy but I feel sometimes this darkness in me.

[GimZim]

Hey Knuckleberry Poe

Much love to you, you're very brave for coming here and speaking about this, your writing is really beautiful too. I'm so sorry for what happened to you and is still plaguing your thoughts. I've looked up my abusers online, it almost feels like some kind of emotional self-harm.

I think of mental health as similar to physical health. If you're seeing a doctor and they're examining you and come across a spot that hurts, that's a sign of an injury. When you have a specific memory that hurts, even if it feels insignificant on paper compare to other peoples struggles or even other things you've experienced, that's the same as a bruised rib or broken leg. If it's still painful that's trauma and it's something that needs to be addressed and hopefully, if you're able to do so, treated.

Chatting with people here, getting it off your chest, as hard as that is can be can also be so freeing. I hope you feel a bit lighter after sharing it.

We're here for you.

[Knuckleberry_Poe]

Thankyou GimZim. For your response. I tend to find writing easier sometimes than talking. I have these nightmares and also fears about going mute, talking with a severe stutter and no one can here me.
My belief, right or wrong is that it stems from the Woodwork teacher not saying or warning me to keep it quiet. He was pretty talkative as a whole while teaching class. But he just never said a word about what he was doing to me and I find that disturbing and creepy to this day.
Words, language became a big control issue for me. Not being able to articulate what I wanted to say made me feel uncomfortable, frustrated and embarrassed.
I still don't fully understand it, not the way a psychologist would be able to explain anyway.

Thanks for replying.

[james1]

Hello Knuckleberry Poe,

I'm glad to hear you are getting some therapy to help. It sounds like the trauma has affected you in some really deep ways and I hope, perhaps through therapy and time, that you'll be able to find a way to articulate your thoughts.

Your nightmares sound absolutely terrifying, and I hope you can feel listened to here, even if no one can hear you in your nightmares.

Do let us know how you are going, if that helps. We're here to support you through this.

James

[Boudica]

Hello Knuckleberry Poe, I like your profile picture. I hope you are feeling okay today. It is a strange thing that when these horrible things happen to us as children it can cause part of us to be trapped in that place, seemingly on repeat, prisoners of others ill deeds. I too went through a period of being really angry with someone from my childhood. It was unbearable that he could be so happy and smiling and successful, when he had destroyed me. I honestly spent time dwelling on things I could do to take revenge on him. But I soon realised that whatever I did to him would not give me back what he took. I realised the best revenge was to work to forget the worthless garbage that he is, and work on healing myself and being happy in my life (though I am still a work in progress). It seems you were wronged by many in your life, but it also seems that despite the pile of poo that life threw at you, you pushed through and grew up to be the intelligent, articulate person you are now. Don't let him take any more of you, be kind to yourself and look towards those who wish you well. I am new here too, but there seems to be a lot of good people that understand, and are safe to talk to.