How do you overcome a fear of intimacy following trauma?

[Boudica]

I am a middle-aged lady now and I cope okay with day to day life, and can pass for a regular person. I rarely think directly of my childhood sexual experiences. But I know that it broke something inside me, and I cope through avoiding triggers, including avoiding close emotional or physical relationships. I gave up alcohol when I was in my early 20's. Since then, I have had one relationship. I really loved him, but it was difficult for both him and me. I was honest about my past and he was respectful of that, but even though we were dating for 5+ years and I made progress in being able to be touched, I still frequently had panic attacks and found I just could not be emotionally present during sex, and instead felt like lump of clay. I was attracted to him, but if I am honest, utterly disgusted by sex. It is very difficult to explain to someone that you find them physically attractive and yet you feel it is impossible for you to touch them, and if they touch you in a sexual way it is sickening. My partner at times experienced my episodes of terror, and they had a deep impact on him (and left me really hollow and exhausted). It was really hard for him to witness the raw pain I still kept in a box down deep, and it made him feel powerless and he also felt guilty for triggering me, though it was not his fault. As a result, he became very anxious and watchful whenever he touched me, which no doubt killed the mood for him too. Eventually I told him I just can't have a relationship, I do not think it possible for me. Yet it was so heartbreaking and lonely. I have not been able to bring myself to date anyone for 11 years. There have been a couple of men over the years that I have grown very fond of, and I am attracted to, but they vanish after a while when kept in the friendzone. I do so want to be able to have a close relationship like other people, but fear I will need to get through life on my own, as I always have. Is there anyone out there who has been broken like me, but fixed themselves enough to function in a relationship?

[Matchy69]

Welcome Boudica to the forums and with this sensitive topic.This is a caring non judgemental environment to post.
I have experienced sexual abuse.This made me feel intmacy was disgusting.It took me to the age of 30 to be able to share my self with someone.It is a subject so hard to talk to about and the shame of it effects you mentally.
Just be yourself around men.The right one will like you for who you are.Imtacy will happen if you click and not forced.Have you ever talked to a professional what happened to you?Thos could help you.
Take care,
Mark.

[Boudica]

Thank you for your kind reply. It is cheering to know that you feel you have moved beyond those feelings. I have never had professional assistance, as I do not want anyone to know, I just want to leave it behind, as history. I am a mother of two children, one from when I was a teenager who is now at university, and another from my last relationship, who has autism. I would hate them to know of my past, and it may sound silly, but I am also too busy to engage in therapy as I care for my disabled son, and I am a full-time student. I want to find a way to gradually de-sensitize myself, so that next time I meet someone I like, I am not terrified. I wanted to know how others approached these feelings. At the point I am now, I cannot do anything that may lead to a feeling of pressure to be intimate (real or imagined) even a simple coffee date, is really difficult for me, and puts me in such a state of heightened alertness. So I have earned a reputation for being very cold and reserved, which I guess on the surface I am, yet I yearn for the same closeness that other people do.

[Matchy69]

Hi Boudica it is the the hardest thing to do is talk about it.It does make you feel shameful but we have nothing to be ashamed of and should be able to hold our heads high. I have two children that have intellectual disabilities that I care equally with my ex wife.One thing with my experience I try to protect my children from anything bad happening to them.Maby become over protective.My life is now basically concentrating on my kids and getting them prepared for the world.
Relationships seem so easy for there people.Maby it's just a matter of time of finding the right one who you can feel completely comfortable with and respects you and what you have been through in your life.We seem to need the love from someone else but first we need to love ourselves.
Take care,
Mark.

[Boudica]

Thankyou so much for answering my post. I know that no one but myself can really solve my problems, it is comforting to have someone listen and talk back from the void. Wise words too. Yes, it is my children that keep me going, particularly the youngest because he needs me so much. But at the same time you can be so engaged with looking after others that you vanish completely and lose a sense of who you are and your own needs. All the best

[Matchy69]

Hi Boudicca my phychologist told me I need to take time out for me and do something that I enjoy just for me even if it is only small.She was right because I was always putting my kids and other people first.Just to enjoy a small Moment in life does wonders.
Take care,
Mark.

[RJ_3]

Hi Boudica
It's nice to talk with you. I was sexually assaulted more than once as a teenager and then groomed into a relationship by a much older man, and I couldn't tell anyone about any of those things. It took me until a few years ago to realise that what happened to me wasn't right and that these things have shaped the way I've always felt about sex. I agree with Mark about the shame and with both of you about feeling disgusted by sex. I've now been married for 25 years and I've been lucky that my husband has been so patient and understanding with our physical relationship. Mark is right that when you find the right person who loves you for you, it'll be okay. I've been seeing a psychologist for the last two and a half years and it's only been through talking with him that I've been able to feel more comfortable about being intimate, though there are still times that the thought of sex makes me feel like I've been violated all over again. As my psychologist says, you need to be kind to yourself, look after yourself and do things you enjoy. And once you can let yourself off the hook for feeling the way you do, you'll hopefully feel comfortable enough to let the right person in. They'd be lucky to have you.

[Boudica]

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I'm sorry for what happened to you, and it is great that you found someone to love and care for you. I know that there are some good people out there. I understand what you mean about taking years to realise that it wasn't right. For me my early sexual experiences date back to when I was twelve and I seem to have spent my whole live processing. I was a very shy & naïve girl, growing up in a small, mostly lutheran country town with a very small social circle. It was not until I was an adult that I even knew that people aren't allowed to do those things to you. Such things were not discussed. Yes, I was so ashamed, and I withdrew because I could no longer face my friends. I feel I have worked through those feeling and thoughts consciously, and I have forgiven myself and feel protective of the child that I was. I still hold others at arms length though, and don't feel comfortable with any friendships going beyond the superficial. You say that there are still times when you feel like you've been violated all over again, and I understand this, and it is what I have struggled with. Feelings of shame, guilt or anger I can reason through consciously but what is hardest is those primordial moments that take you back. In an instant you are again a child as if no time has past, and you must relive the feelings of the child again and again. I find it almost ridiculous that I have a part of my brain that is still there, like I am stuck there forever. I manage pretty well to avoid triggers these days though. I think my favourite therapy is hiking. I really enjoy being out in nature alone. I haven't had so much time for it lately though. I hope you also have a happy place RJ#3. Thanks for talking, it is nice to find people who understand 🙂