Someone who I'd been on a few dates with and I had a small disagreement
where he reacted in a very manipulative way. I felt anxious. We ended up
in his bedroom somehow then he was on top of me, grinding on me. ‘Stop’
then more forcefully, ‘Stop!’ He ...
View more
Someone who I'd been on a few dates with and I had a small disagreement
where he reacted in a very manipulative way. I felt anxious. We ended up
in his bedroom somehow then he was on top of me, grinding on me. ‘Stop’
then more forcefully, ‘Stop!’ He did, and I went home. This was assault
but at the time I didn’t realise so stupidly, I went back to his house
later to apologise. We went to dinner then he wanted meet his family
who’d be at his house soon. I still felt guilty so I agreed. When we
went to the house he wanted to ‘cuddle on the bed.’ Guiltly, I again
agreed. I felt trapped by sick obligation. I’d been strategically
manoeuvred and had no power. And then he was on top of me again, and my
hand was undoing my shirt buttons like a slave. But I knew it wasn’t
right. ‘I don’t want your family to think badly of me’ I expressed my
discomfort. In response he dragged a piece of furniture across the door.
Then I’m in denial - this isn’t a ‘make up’ interaction, is it? I asked.
This is something else, he told me. I gave up and became a yes-man. Do
you want this? Do anything, just be gentle. Do you want that? Yes. I
have very strong sexual values so afterwards, I was in denial. I
self-deceived saying that it had been my ‘most connected encounter’ and
asked if he wanted reciprocation. I even met his family when they came.
He invited me to his house twice after that. Once to watch movies or
study. Neither of those things eventuated because sexual contact was
initiated. And I complied. Sometimes I kissed him first. It’s almost
like I knew it was coming and wanted to stop the threat before it
happened. Something I now suspect is a fawn response. Sometimes, I felt
powerless so I would request something during the encounters - a last
ditch effort at control. But I wasn’t in control, I was a puppet being
used. He didn’t care for me, it was lies. I was a piece of meat. I tried
to convince myself that this person, as they kept implying, was my ‘the
one’ but all it was self-deception to quell my anxiety. Eventually, I
asked him to take a step back, to put a hold on the physical so we could
‘get to know each other better because I'd never been ready for it. But
just like when I’d tried to assert myself the first time, his reaction
was emotionally volatile and manipulative. After only a handful of
dates, I found my strength and cut off contact. I feel so responsible
and silly now, because I ignored some very predatory red flags, but his
behaviour just isn’t right, is it?
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
