Trauma hitting hard after 10 years

[ophelia02]

I've just started university, moved to a big city, and done good things for myself. I'm happy with the path I'm taking at the moment, but something is wrong. I was raped when i was younger, and it didn't mentally bother me until now. I'm constantly wanting to pull my hair out and tear off my skin and i can't stand my sheets touching me at night because i think of HIM. I want to reclaim my body as mine, I want to be able to hug my family without needing to scrub myself in a hot shower immediately afterwards. I'm on a prescription and I'm seeing a therapist but it isn't helping. I think about it constantly to the point where i don't feel happy, or sad, or angry, or afraid anymore. i just feel so deeply hollow and empty and i am so utterly numb. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but it feels like my fault that he is still walking around, able to do to others what he did to me. He was meant to be a father figure after my real dad left. i feel so much pain and hurt and there's nothing i feel i can do anymore to help myself through this. I've tried everything i can possibly think of. this is affecting my family, platonic, and romantic relationships. please help me. what do i do?
- ophelia

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ophelia02, 

Welcome to the forums, we hope you find some comfort here in our wonderful community. 

We are so very sorry to hear about your experience but thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you've been struggling with some intense and overwhelming after effects of trauma. 

Please know that you are not alone. There are a number of services, such as 1800 Respect (1800 737 732) and Blue Knot Foundation (1800 421 468) that have specalist counsellors who may be able to understand the complexities of sexual assualt.  

As well as this, you are always welcome to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service for mental health support, anytime on the phone (1300 224 636) or on webchat between 3pm-12am AEST through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

Please keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[james1]

Hello ophelia02,

Welcome to the forums. I'm very sad to hear about your trauma, and how it continues to affect you today.

As Sophie_M has mentioned, you are not alone and I hope you can find some more professional help, as it sounds like you are really struggling now. I also wanted to just lend my own voice to say that it is not your fault at all that he, I think, has not been put in jail or anything. It sounds like you are struggling enough with the effects of his abuse.

I understand you are currently seeing a therapist but it is not helping. I do not have any experience with sexual assault, but I know mental health issues can generally be really challenging to deal with, and for one reason or another, it can often feel like we're not making any progress in therapy.

Have you spoken to your therapist about how you feel in terms of therapy not being very helpful right now?

James