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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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larrygreen I get the feeling that somethin' ain't right...
  • replies: 1

I'm just now starting to uncover the original problem. I thought it was alcohol and opiates, but now I'm starting to realise that I was coping how I had learned as a young teen. I've spent years running away from it. I've found success and found a gr... View more

I'm just now starting to uncover the original problem. I thought it was alcohol and opiates, but now I'm starting to realise that I was coping how I had learned as a young teen. I've spent years running away from it. I've found success and found a great wife. Our life is idyllic in many ways but I can't shake the self-hatred, the hyper-vigilance, the anger, the intense desire to be on my own in the bush with no one else around. I'd self-diagnosed with everything but I've never just admitted that it was trauma based as opposed to a mental illness lacking precipitating factors. My father was abusive. It seems so strange to say as he's such a quiet old man now. The physical things were just the little things though. The biggest horror was the emotional abuse. His hair-trigger. My sister and I would walk home from school, peering over our fence to see if his car was there. If it was we'd both have bricks in our stomach...I'd have sweaty palms. I'd ready myself to avoid him lest I drew his anger. He'd oscillate between the funniest man in the world, who'd do anything from his kids but he'd turn on a dime and tell us he never wanted us and we'd ruined his life. But here I am. Up since 3am thinking about it. I don't allow myself to see it most of the time, what I'm thinking of that makes me so on edge. I just think I hate myself because I'm fundamentally flawed, and I congratulate myself on a sharp diagnosis. It's hard to talk about. He's a nice man in his heart, and other children have been abused horrifically in their lives. Both arms have been tied behind their back, while I have only one tied behind mine. Enough complaining for now. I'm still figuring it out. I want to be a better man.

mer5306 Depression & Anxiety after partner cheated while on a drug bender
  • replies: 4

My story is that I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second child and due to some bleeding I had to be flown via the flying doctors to hospital which was a long way away. My partner stayed behind to look after our son (which because of covid couldnt visi... View more

My story is that I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second child and due to some bleeding I had to be flown via the flying doctors to hospital which was a long way away. My partner stayed behind to look after our son (which because of covid couldnt visit the hospital) and organise everything and then a few days later got over to stay and see our beautiful little boy be born. I thought all was well apart from a real funny feeling. When we finally got home a week later I could not shake this feeling of something had gone on while I was gone, so while my partner was sleeping I checked his phone and there hidden was messages and videos from a woman he works with. It was said in the messages that it would now unfortunately have to end because I was coming home. I immediately woke my partner and questioned him over it! He admitted he was on a drug bender and it had just happened. He has a history of drug abuse but had not done it for a really long time. He says it only happened that one night while I was away and I'm not sure if I believe him. The other thing is I am so upset he had our 18 month son with him but had put him to sleep on the couch while under the influence of drugs and drinking. He has made every effort to got to drug counseling etc and talk to me honestly about everything when ever I need to talk. I am struggling with everything right now from trusting him while he is at work because she works there too, not being able to stop thinking about it all, cry on and off all the time, depression, not feeling like I'm enough as a person, mother and partner. Feeling like I'm living in a haze and there is no way out! I do not want to end our relationship because I love him dearly, he is such a strong, loving, caring, supportive, and awesome father and this is the first time he really fucked up! What can I do to get through this? And what more can he do?

phoenixwaitingtorise Driving people away
  • replies: 6

I’ve recently started seeing a psychologist and am on antidepressants to help with anxiety and PTSD as a result of growing up with a narcissistic father (psychologists words not mine - she met with him and my mum and my sister when my parents divorce... View more

I’ve recently started seeing a psychologist and am on antidepressants to help with anxiety and PTSD as a result of growing up with a narcissistic father (psychologists words not mine - she met with him and my mum and my sister when my parents divorced). The emotional and physical abuse shaped who I am today and recently I’ve started to deal with everything I’ve been through because in the past I’ve just soldiered on but that’s not working so well for me now. In my bid to try and work through this baggage I found myself unloading the depths of my mind on a close friend and I know it’s all become too much for him. I have been so emotionally dependant and needy that it’s caused a shift in our friendship. He’s been absolutely supportive and dealt with countless meltdowns and in no way has he failed me but I know it gets to be too much and he ends up finding himself busier in life as a way to get his own downtime and a break from my crazy anxiety. He takes longer to reply or times things to make conversations shorter. Little subtle things all while trying his absolute best to reassure me he is always there because I know he wants to be but just can’t. So my answer to driving him away is to call it out and tell him that I know he needs air and he needs for me to stop relying on him so much. He didn’t disagree but said he doesn’t want me to feel let down. I’ve cut him the slack he deserves and have pulled away. I’ve told him to get the air I need and suddenly I’m back to a state of panic. My safety net is gone and I’ve gone back to feeling like the burden I grew up feeling. I’ve gone back to feeling like I don’t matter enough for anyone to fight for me. My partner is so supportive and so loving but I don’t let my emotional baggage intrude on my relationship. My friend was my leaning post because it kept my relationship safe from the damage that my emotional self would cause. Now I feel alone and as much as I feel desperate to reach out to him I know I need to give him this space and air. I know I need to stop needing him but it leaves me terrified because he’s been my rock. I have no replacement. I have no safety net. I don’t ever want to ruin my friendship and leaning on him the way I have is just not fair. It’s affecting his own mental health. So what do I do now? How do I stop needing someone? How do I stop feeling like I’m falling? I don’t have his hand to grab on to anymore and it’s making the anxiety rise more and more.

aussiemel Really not sure what to do....husband is a sex addict
  • replies: 22

I'm not 100% sure that I'm posting in the right spot but I thought that this post may offend some people, so I shouldn't be posting in the new members area. To try to cut a very long story short: my husband of 20+ years is a sex addict. When we first... View more

I'm not 100% sure that I'm posting in the right spot but I thought that this post may offend some people, so I shouldn't be posting in the new members area. To try to cut a very long story short: my husband of 20+ years is a sex addict. When we first moved in together, we had a regular sex life - but looking back on it, not normal. He was always "zoned out", I felt like he wasn't present when we had sex. He was there in person, but certainly not in mind. Within seconds of finishing, he was asleep. He always had his eyes closed, and tried to avoid any kissing, and there was no foreplay at all. Fast forward a few months, he was pushing me away. He joined Whatsapp and I saw messages on his phone from women younger (after I looked them up on FB) than his daughter (from previous marriage). I told myself that I was stupid for looking at his phone, by the way these messages were coming up on the homescreen. I wasn't unlocking his phone as I didn't know his password. I realised that something was really off, and I discovered that these messages were all from prostitutes. Some he was in "relationships" with. Buying them gifts, giving them money etc. I might add that at this point in time, we didn't have a joint bank account. I was continually worried about paying bills and didn't know where all his money was going. He kept telling me that he had to help out his ex-wife or his daughter so I couldn't really question him any further. I left him once but a couple of days later he got his mother to ring me and beg me to come back. He rationalised everything that had been going on, I now know that he was gas-lighting me. It got to the point where I had to hire a P.I, I couldn't prove what was going on and I was extremely anxious all the time. I spent thousands having him followed but the PI couldn't catch him. Two days after I sacked the PI, I found proof. Of course, he denied and tried to say I was mad and crazy. I more or less forced him into therapy. There was individual therapy for both of us, followed by couples therapy for almost two years. Then he cut it all off. Two years after the therapy ended, I have caught him out again. Screwing prostitutes only several days after the covid restrictions have been somewhat reduced. I have told him to return to therapy or move out immediately. He is going back to see a therapist next week (first available appointment). I'm running out of space to write but can tell more if anyone asks. I'm stuck ATM - financial reasons

Guest_672 Why can't i ever stand up for myself?
  • replies: 10

I had a big trigger 2night or last by the time ive finished this. It might seem like nothing to anyone else but to me its upsetting. I had a friend i met 8yrs ago who we met through our dogs being service dogs. She was super clingy from the start and... View more

I had a big trigger 2night or last by the time ive finished this. It might seem like nothing to anyone else but to me its upsetting. I had a friend i met 8yrs ago who we met through our dogs being service dogs. She was super clingy from the start and wanted me to move in with her to be her carer. The warning signs were there to back away but i felt too guilty because she had a noticeable physical disability so i stuck around and had let her use me. Very long story short the last time we spoke was a long time ago when i got an inheretance when my beautiful mum and nana my mums mum passed away. The day after i recieved the money she said the same thing every single day for a full month saying i wish i had someone in my family pass away so i could get $10, 000 to renovate the bathroom for when her physically disabled husband will need a wheelchair permanently. After a month i gave in and gave that amount of money to her. I knew she wasnt going to give in and i thought a paid human friend is better than no human friend. 2 days later she showed me pictures or a cruise they we're going on. The following months i tried to let it go but it was eating me up inside and i texted her what i felt. She ended contact after that which secretly i was glad. Last night she turned up out the blue with her dog and started talking about the bathroom ndis are paying for. Her very large dog ran back and forth from my wet garden and garden bed through all my carpet and she said you dont mind i let him run around cause he hasnt been off the lead for a week. Of me being the wus i am said of course not. I have spent hrs cleaning up after and have to get my carpet cleaned which i currently cant afford. She wants to come back in a few days. I was trying so hard this month to help myself but 2night has set me back alot. I have to let her in again and let my house get destroyed again because ive learnt i not to be respected

KazooRights [low priority] Is this considered trauma?
  • replies: 5

Hey everyone, I've been talking to a friend recently about my upbringing and she thinks I might be suppressing trauma or trying to minimise or pretend that bad events just haven't affected me at all. Family stuff - my household is generally really ch... View more

Hey everyone, I've been talking to a friend recently about my upbringing and she thinks I might be suppressing trauma or trying to minimise or pretend that bad events just haven't affected me at all. Family stuff - my household is generally really chill, parents are together, no glaring problems. It's just that as long as I can remember, my dad's been really sick (chronic illness) and I've had to take care of him as well as myself and my brother. I've been fully independent in caring for myself since probably age 5 or so because I had to be - even cooking (or rather just eating whatever I find within reach) and fixing things around the house (and recently, getting my learner's with the sole purpose of taking pressure off my parents). Mum works more than full time, dad's incapacitated by his illness, and that leaves me to try to keep my brother under control most days. I don't do this very well though, as I'm just really exhausted and have been withdrawing emotionally from everyone for years, because I just don't have the energy to do this stuff. And that makes me feel guilty, too, because it leaves my mum to try to look after everybody and she's clearly just as tired. So now my brother and my mum fight all the time, dad's still sick and can't mediate, and I just withdraw/dissociate/pretend to sleep or something to avoid it. And then there's the actual illness. Can't count the number of times I've seen my mum forced to argue with/pressure/guilt hospital staff into putting my dad on much needed oxygen when he's about to die (and the doctors are just like "oh its chill he's just psychologically stopping himself from breathing, he'll snap out of it"), while my brother screams at her for not letting him use mobile data for his games because he doesn't have wifi at hospitals (and I'm not mad at him, he's just too young to understand). I just feel bad for my mum and want to help, but I'm completely useless all the time. People keep reacting with shock and are trying to convince me that this is valid trauma but it just... doesn't feel like enough. Everyone goes through loss and people die all the time. My family's not broken, abusive, neglectful or anything. My parents try their absolute hardest, to the detriment of their mental health as well. I don't think I have PTSD or anything, I just want to work out how much I'm actually being affected by the way my upbringing went. I don't even know what people mean when they ask about my 'past trauma', to be honest.

Ishtahandmirabi Can’t sleep
  • replies: 3

Hi, Just struggling to sleep. A lot of the trauma I went through was related to the time I spent in bed. I probably only got maybe 3 or 4 hours a sleep a night when I was a child. Now it’s so hard to sleep, I find myself hypervigilant. My children bo... View more

Hi, Just struggling to sleep. A lot of the trauma I went through was related to the time I spent in bed. I probably only got maybe 3 or 4 hours a sleep a night when I was a child. Now it’s so hard to sleep, I find myself hypervigilant. My children both sleep in my bedroom with me (my eldest on a rollaways bed) it’s the only thing I can do to get at least a little sleep. I lock the door and feel safer. My eldest is ten and yesterday he wanted to sleep in his own room and I said okay. I tried but as soon as I went to bed the trembling started and I was so terrified I took him back to my bedroom. I feel like I’m failing him, because a boy should be able to sleep in his own room and not have to keep his mother company because she’s too afraid to sleep with her bedroom door unlocked. I just see them, you know. The people who’ve hurt me. I imagine them climbing in windows and kicking down doors. I imagine them creeping down the hallway to my bedroom and finding me asleep. These images are honestly terrifying. So I lock the door and I force my kids to sleep in my room. I’ve had counselling to try to deal with this, she got me to consistently try to sleep with the door open. It didn’t work and I tried it for 9 months. What ended up happening was that I’d fall asleep but even the slightest breeze would wake me so I was never going into a restful sleeps I’m just exhausted. I don’t want to do this forever. I don’t deserve this. I was just a child and I should have been safe and protected so I didn’t have to grow up with so many issues. Instead I’m tired and afraid every single day and the worst thing is that I feel like nobody sees it and if they did nobody would care.

NadineT Dealing with trauma
  • replies: 11

Hi. I'm in need of huge help... I had a bad relationship a few years back and I just can't get past it. I have tried to ask for help but I keep getting palmed off. I feel like this has broken me again and I don't know what's to do.

Hi. I'm in need of huge help... I had a bad relationship a few years back and I just can't get past it. I have tried to ask for help but I keep getting palmed off. I feel like this has broken me again and I don't know what's to do.

Jonathan03 Living with my abuser.
  • replies: 8

Hi, I am currently living with my father. He has abused me my whole life. I have been avoiding him the best I can for a very long time. I lock myself in my room and only leave if he has gone to work or I have to leave for school. I went to the police... View more

Hi, I am currently living with my father. He has abused me my whole life. I have been avoiding him the best I can for a very long time. I lock myself in my room and only leave if he has gone to work or I have to leave for school. I went to the police a few weeks ago to get an intervention order but was unable to get one due to my broken fragmented memory and because of the statute of limitations. I fear that he will hurt me or maybe even kill me. He has threatened to kill me and do other things if I ever told anyone about the abuse multiple times in the past and know he knows I have. I can’t sleep at night and tick all the symptoms for CPTSD. I am currently seeing the school psychologist and another psychologist out of school. I constantly have intrusive bad thoughts and it’s debilitating. None of my other family members really believe me and justify his actions. I doubt myself and question my sanity all the time but I know this really happened to me. What should I do? I hate living with him. I might go to boarding school but I would have to live with him on the holidays. I don’t really have any close friends and I don’t want to ask any of them if I can live with them because I don’t want to give them that burden and I have trust issues. I believe he has antisocial personality disorder and is a sociopath. He didn’t grow up in very good conditions and he has never shown any empathy, remorse or guilt. Is my fear of him irrational, is it just a symptom of CPTSD? He has hurt me hundreds of times but it hasn’t happened as lately because I started fighting back, got bigger than him and began avoiding him. I can’t remember much of the abuse but I have memories coming back all the time. Should I try mend my relationship with him even though I don’t want to, I hate him and I really doubt he will change? He tries to justify his actions. I think he enjoys doing it and he is always trying to assert control over me my touching me inappropriately, taking photos of me and humiliating me. He psychology, emotionally and verbally abuses me, making me question reality and believe in his deception and lies. I’m still dealing with the things he has done to my so many times and for so long and I don’t know how to recover. I really don’t know what to do. My mother tells me I should forgive him because it happened “a long time ago” but it didn’t, I feel like it’s still happening even if it isn’t, I don’t want to and he is no different to the days when he was bashing me and he doesn’t even feel sorry. I fear for my safety every moment, I’m really paranoid and I want to get out of here and I’m afraid I don’t really have any options. I can’t move out, I won’t survive, I’m only 16, I have no money, no job, no where to go.

Rosebud2020 Do PTSD sufferers understand how their partner feels?
  • replies: 5

My PTSD partner wants space and has gone away for a while. I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. She gets angry at me for so many things that seem so unreasonable to me. I never point out how unreasonable I feel she is being. These past fe... View more

My PTSD partner wants space and has gone away for a while. I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. She gets angry at me for so many things that seem so unreasonable to me. I never point out how unreasonable I feel she is being. These past few months is the first time I have witnessed the effects of her trauma being triggered. She has gone back to therapy. My questions is... after this passes, will She realise how unreasonable she has been and look at things from a different perspective?