Lost

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

 What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I do hope you feel satisfied with the outcome of your meeting with your GP. Try not to over think your letter. A couple of revisions are OK but in my experience the perfect letter does not exist. You have been very positive by stating who you are and I find it great that you have this confidence.

At this stage in your journey it's OK, and in fact normal, to feel confused. You said you should trust your doctor, and I noticed the similar comments you made in your other post. Trust his expertise. I would have no idea where to start to look for a psych. I know my GP is picky about who she refers me to in other matters and you have said your GP is the same. So let your doctor make the decisions about who to send you to, and you make the decisions about working to get well again.

I know it's hard. Sometimes I feel so despairing I just want to run away and hide, pull down the shutters and pretend there's no one home. These are the times when it takes every bit of strength to continue, and each time I vow it's the last and that I will not get into such a tizz again. Ah promises, promises.

I saw my GP today and fell apart big time. So embarrassing. DV psych not as helpful as I thought she would be. Only two appointments but she has not even broached the subject. On the other hand I just want to get going and finish it. I suspect it will be difficult but not as difficult as not starting. If next week does not work out I will not be going again.

I love your poetry at the end of your post. Do you write much? I go through phases of writing and I enjoy writing Haiku, Japanese style poetry. This is one verse with 17 syllables and three lines. The number of syllables in each line is 5, 7, 5. The idea is to present a moment in time, a snapshot.

Good luck tomorrow.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Hi Mary,

I am sorry to hear about your DV psych and I hope you are feeling better after seeing your GP. Does your GP talk to your psych? Can you tell the psych that you want to talk about it?

What do you try to do when you hit a low? Often I give myself a little kick and tell myself I will feel better if I go out and do things, but sometimes I just go to bed. I am worried, that if I allow myself to go to bed too often, I won't get out of bed at all anymore. That scares me enough to get me going.

I have heard of Haiku, it sounds very interesting, but also pretty difficult! I used to read a lot (!) and write poems and short stories. I don't anymore. I try to write a journal, but I never look back.

I have just printed off my letter and I have the appointment in 9 hours. I don't know what to expect and I will just see what happens. I have this silly idea in my head that from now on, I will just have this sticker on my head "nutter, fruit cake, crazy woman" and whatever I say will be seen in that context. I am worried about that, but I don't know what else to do now. I am worried about being manipulated. I am worried to get hurt. I am worried about so many things. But I am a brave woman and I am pretty sure, I will sit in that GPs office in 9 hours. I just hope that it does not get cancelled!

[Guest_2350]

Hello All,

I made it to the GP and it was not too bad. It did help that I wrote the letter. We agreed on a treatment plan and I will see my GP and my psych regularly.In our discussion I realised that I just want to give my current psych another try.

We also discussed the benefits of meditation.

We did not agree on medication, but I agreed to look into it. I actually bought the pills, but have put them in a draw for now, as the side effects and withdrawals scared me. I am thinking of seeing my naturopath and will also work on other things that I know have an influence on my mood, like sleep, food, exercise and exposure to sunlight & nature & people.

I am worried about what is to come, but I am relieved that I have put it all out on the table now - a thing which I have not been able to do before. My GP said it was really helpful and respected my notes where I said I do not want to comment further, at least at the moment. We also agreed that if I shake my head, we won't discuss further. I did not leave my letter with him.

I will try to start focussing on looking after myself again from tomorrow. I noticed this morning that I've lost 2kg in the last 4 weeks - that scares me a bit 😞

[White_Rose]

Hello Yggy

By now you will have seen your GP. I hope all went well.

I actually have another psych who I have been seeing for nearly two years. He put me in touch with the DV psych. My usual psych is welcome to talk with my GP as far as I am concerned and vice versa but it doesn't happen much. However I tend tell each one what I am doing with the other.

I went to a psychiatrist many years ago and always felt I had Sees a Psychiatrist branded on my forehead. But it passed after a while. I suppose we are all manipulated by other people in some way or other and no doubt do our fair share. I once told my doctor about being scared of manipulating people. She laughed and said that's what we all do. No decent psych will manipulate in a bad way. They may well sneak up on a subject very gently, but will always back off if it is too stressful. Of that I am certain.

I'm not sure we get hurt by our therapists but we feel pain from some of the topics that come up. It's really inevitable because we have experienced traumas of some sort and need to manage them. My psych said that it was not necessary to keep reliving the traumas. Instead we need to learn what effect the trauma has had on us and how to manage/change this. It makes sense to me. But it may be that you need to recount some things in discussion to set a context and allow someone to comment.

It's great that you are brave. It takes courage to embark on your journey and will continue to do so as you travel. Remember that you are constantly moving forward, even though it's small steps. You can look back occasionally and see how far you have come.

When I feel bad I have several things to do. I may have a jolly good therapeutic cry on occasions. I try to do some physical activities for a short time, but not huge gymnastic types. Perhaps a walk, gardening, dancing by myself, even housework if I am desperate. And then something quiet and soothing. I meditate, listen to music, take a cuppa outside and watch the birds, embroider or get scrapbooking. At times like this I cannot read and rarely watch TV. Both require more concentration than I have. I know my craft work needs concentration but it is a different type. Sometimes I write, poetry, journal entries and general 'stuff'.

Whatever works for you. Something that gives you pleasure  and requires you to think so the other thoughts get crowded out. Chatting on the phone is also good, especially if you can talk about general topics rather than how horrible you feel.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Hi Mary,

we must have been writing our posts at the same time 🙂

Thank you so much for your post, you are such a wonderful person! You really help me to calm down and tackle my challenges. I just hope that you find the help you need as well.

I will write more tomorrow, but I am really tired now. Take care.

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Yes we obviously wrote at the same time. So pleased you had a good outcome with your GP. It sounds as though your discussion was in-depth and quite open. Good for you.

Now starts the more difficult part I think. That is carrying through with all the plans and keeping on keeping on. I am rather a fan of John Denver and I love his song

Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.
Sometimes a hard time won't leave me alone.
Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

I think that sums up so much of our life and is so reassuring that the bad times will not last.

Cheers

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I realised yesterday that the difficult part is starting, the song from John Denver applied to moments not days. I was positive and the anxious, happy and incredibly sad, I cried and I tried to smile. 

I enjoyed writing some nice things on the forum and get myself out of my miserable mind. I will focus on doing things that make me feel better, so I can be strong. I walked in the sunshine yesterday afternoon and sat in the garden, that was nice.

Hope you are having a nice weekend! What kind of embroidery are you doing? Every few years I embroider something for my mum, I need to have a good reason to sit still and embroider. I embroider pillows or table cloths.

Talk soon xox

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Sounds like you are on the right track. Sitting in the sun is good for both body and soul, so long as you don't get sunburned. I am constantly surprised how helpful and uplifting it is to respond to others on BB. Sometimes I feel as though I am writing to myself and discover new things about myself in the process.

I have been X stitching for a while made a number of wedding samplers for various people and birth samplers for my grandchildren. I started a sampler for my youngest granddaughter, which is way overdue. For a while sewing or craft work was beyond me. But I'm coming back.

I am also about to start sewing a dress for the daughter of my eldest daughter. I showed her a photo of her mom and aunt, wearing identical dresses sent by my mother. My granddaughter was impressed and asked me to make a similar dress for her.

I also embroider table clothes etc. In many ways I find embroidery more satisfying than X stitch, but X stitch is faster and less effort so I take the easy road. My mind wanders a bit while I stitch and I have found the best way to sit still is to listen to a talking book. I get them on CDs from my library and I enjoy listening, especially when the narrator has a good voice. In fact I can sit for several hours just enjoying the book and being creative at the same time. For me there is a an extra dimension in being read to.  My book club meets monthly and I have often listened to the nominated book rather than read it. It does take longer than reading and I believe this is why I get so much more out of the experience.

I cleaned out my garage this morning and threw away a heap of stuff that I have been hoarding for no real reason. The reason for this activity was because I needed a table for working on my scrapbooking. I used to have a large desk in one of the bedrooms which I called my craft room. My eldest grandson came to live with me just over a year ago and he now occupies my craft room and uses my desk for his lap top and his homework. He is an apprentice chef working at a restaurant near me but a considerable distance from his home.

So I had a major rearrange of all the house furniture and created a space for craft stuff, but nothing to work on.  So I decided to buy a suitable table until I remembered I had my original table from when I first moved here. It lived in the garage and I had to move things to get at it. Now I have clean and tidy garage and a craft table without buying one.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Good morning,

the weekend was so difficult. I am still shocked at the rollercoaster of emotions, the strength of my feelings and the lack of control. It was frightening at times. I tried so hard to get myself in a better frame of mind. I feel like my head is a washing machine and my thoughts are just getting turned again and again and again, sometimes slow and sometimes spinning and no way out.

I am glad that I got an appointment today with the psych. There is so much to talk about. I really want to feel better and I want to learn how I can stop the thoughts. I am not sleeping much at the moment and I have no appettite. I am starting to remember things, that I have stashed away for so long.

I feel better than on the weekend, work has always been a great distraction for me. I am trying to focus on looking after myself. I am still wondering if i should take meds as the GP suggested - is it reasonable to say to the GP, that if I have to take meds I want to discuss that with a psychiatrist before? I prefer talking to a specialist in the relevant field before putting my body through chemical treatment.

I want to talk today with my psych about how we are going to do this. I am sure we will have to talk about trauma - how are we going to work on the effects, if she does not even know what happened? I would really like to start with accepting, that I am feeling this way - and get over the fact that I feel like having a "seeing a psychologist" sign on my forehead, as Mary said. And I want to talk about things that make me happy or things that can help me defuse a situation when my feelings are strong. I think that would be a good start, but I will see what she says.

Mary, thank you for writing to me!

It must be lovely for you to have your grandson close - does he enjoy being a chef? My daughter is a chef and loves it! Have you started working on the dress for your granddaughter? You are amazing that you can make dresses, that is wonderful and such a special gift! I actually cross stitch - not embroider, I did not know there was a difference 🙂

It sound like you had a very productive weekend! Where did you end up putting your table? I hope you found a nice light space where you can be creative! I have a room that I created just for myself, with my library, some exercise equipment and photos and memories all over the walls. It is my space and this is where I lie on the floor and read, colour in or write my journal. Sometimes I just lie there and look at the ceiling.

[Neil_1]

Hi there yggy (though, was just wondering whether there is an alternative name we could call you?)

I’m back again and I’m so sorry that it’s been a fair while since I last posted to you.  Things haven’t been so flash and so my time on here has been very limited.

It’s been awesome that you’ve been having many responses back and forth with Mary and Jacko.  Good people on here, which you obviously have already found.

I know you’ve asked with regard to finding a new psych and for me, it was purely trial and error, though based on recommendations from other professionals (either that psych’s office or my GP).  But in the end, of all people, it was my physio who suggested the place where I am now – so I guess you just never know.

I read that you’ve been scripted for some medication, but at this time have decided not to take it due to reading the possible side effects.  Those can be for some scary reading really – and they put all of them down (and more) to cover themselves.  As we are all different, some people may react to some tablets, while some may not – and then some may have certain types of reactions, while others may have different types of reactions – hope you get the picture there, but really, we just don’t know how we’ll be unless we have a go at them.

But with regard to them, obviously that’s totally up to you, but if you feel ‘ok’ at the moment without them, then that’s awesome.  But it is good to know that you’ve got them close by to commence on, IF you feel the need.

Also I read where you lost some weight recently – but you mentioned that this scared you a bit?   It’s just not often that you hear someone say that when they have lost weight it scares them.  If that is the case, have you kind of levelled out a bit now?

Again sorry for the long time no hear from, but hopefully I’m back on deck now.

Kind regards

Neil