Lost

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

 What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

It must have been a crashing disappointment to have your psych session cancelled. I know how much it means to have this to look forward to so you can unload your thoughts. Small comfort that you can see your GP on Monday I know, but it is only two days away. I realise this can seem like an eternity having been in exactly the same position. As Jack has suggested, try to fill the weekend with good stuff. In this sort of situation I would plan something for the next hour and then the next, concentrating on what I wanted to do each time. It did help to relieve the anxiety a little.

Perhaps you need to find a psych who is a little more accessible. I hope he/she had a jolly good reason for cancelling. Can you talk to your GP about this again? In the meantime try the BB helpline 1300 22 4636. There is also the Chat Online option. Or you could call Lifeline on 13 11 14. They are very helpful. It can be more comforting to to talk to someone instead of writing but continue to write in here as much as you like.

You asked about my meeting with the DV counsellor. Not as scary as I anticipated. But then this is often the way. She was very gentle and we had a getting to know you chat. I often laugh at myself and others when I find a situation a bit ludicrous and true to form I did a bit of that. I'm not sure she realised I was joking so I think I need to watch what I say more carefully. However I think we can get on. I am seeing her again next week.

Please use all the resources available to you to get through the weekend. Perhaps you could find the time and courage to talk to your husband? I know it feels like 20 steps backward, but it's not really. You have taken a huge step in writing to BB and continuing to write. That takes determination and energy.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Thank you Jack! Thank you Mary!

I am so sorry to bother you, I guess you all fight your own battles. But thank you for your support. I will call the helpline next time - after talking to the GP receptionist and not getting an appointment, I did not know what to do - if someone at work crossed my way that time I would have burst out in tears. Next time I will call a helpline, thank you. I buried myself in work and eventually the fog lifted. I do try to listen to relaxing music when I feel anxious and try breathing exercises, but they are hard. I am still amazed how physical my emotions get.

I exercise when I am anxious, I run a lot outdoors and off-road, but I find peace in nature and feel very connected at times. I think one of the things that have dropped me down the dumps is when I had to stop training due to an injury last year - I felt like I lost my balance, my point of calmness in this mad environment, I always knew I needed exercises for stress release, but never thought I was actually running away from things. I run and exercise to the point of exhaustion - before work, and then I am all calm and relaxed for the day. Now I don't. My psych knows about this - but I think I should talk to my GP, who has been there during my hard days of discovering my physical limitations, from the injury to the diagnosis of a genetic disorder. I also have severe IBS with an unknown trigger - I do get suggestions that the trauma my injury caused, could have caused my IBS, as it happened simultaneously.

I will try to meditate later on.

I find it so difficult to tell my husband. He knows most of my past, he is my sweetheart since my late teens. There are some experiences that I don't want to share with him, there are some that open my wounds, but there are some that will open his wounds as well. I have childhood friends, who know even more, but they are far away. I find it difficult to open up to anyone who is close to me. I have experienced so much, but life around you goes on and people forget. I have been hurt so many times. No one does it intentionally. I am even disappointed and hurt by my psych and I am sure there was a good reason for the cancellation, but I don't know as I had a call for the receptionist.

I have always been good at keeping myself busy and distracted and I still can get lost in activities. I exercised yesterday and I walked through nature today (3hrs). I keep my head up, don't worry. I am not beaten to the ground 🙂

Have a lovely weekend xox

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Never think you are bothering anyone on this site. We may not be able to answer you for some reason, but never because you are bothersome. I suggested ringing a support line because you get direct and immediate help from people trained to do this. I find it better to talk to someone when I am in a bit of a crisis, but I certainly do not discount writing here or emails to others.  Ask for and receive help wherever you find it.

I am so sorry that you feel I was fobbing you off.  Certainly not my intention.

carrying wounds is an exhausting process and this is why you need someone to talk to regularly. I really believe once a month is not enough, at least at this stage. Maybe when you have gained some perspective and resilience longer gaps between appointments will be OK. Try for at least fortnightly and possibly weekly to start with.

I found meditation of the greatest help when my depression was at its worst. Meditating gave me something to focus on instead of the rat race in my brain.

To go back to your psychologist, it sounds as though she is not very experienced. The idea of dealing with trauma is not to go back over it but to look at how the trauma affected you. For example, if you were bullied there is little point in recounting the experiences and hurting yourself over again. The experience will not go away because you cannot change the past. What needs to happen is to look at the effect of these experiences. Are you afraid of talking to a certain type of person and how do you cope with that. If someone shouts at you how do you react, especially if this was part of the bullying process.

Look, I am probably saying this all wrong as I am not a psych. But constantly opening old wounds just stops them healing. Yes get rid of the poison but through a small drain, not by ripping you apart.

Let us know how you get on with your doctor.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I think I wrote this wrong, I really appreciate the time you guys spend to help me - I did at no point feel like you were "fobbing me off" - thank you for being there for me 🙂

I have a lot to discuss with the GP now, I have learnt a lot in the last few days. I will print off our conversation and talk about my options.

I will let you know how Monday goes! 

[Jacko777]

Hi yggy,

I also have a passion for and feel a connection to Nature. This connection can constantly be investigated, you can research, develop and create new and exciting activity. As well as spending time in nature, like bush walking, bike riding, camping, I have also combined my skills as a media producer with my passion for nature. So now I travel the countryside making videos for conservation groups for free, to help them raise awareness and funds. I guess I am telling you this because it has brought me much satisfaction over the years and it gives me strength knowing that I have tried my best. Perhaps you might enjoy partaking in some activities with a conservation group or such near you?

Jack

[Guest_2350]

Hi Jack,

that sounds great! What a beautiful way to combine your passion and your skills!

Hi Mary,

I have talked to my GP today and I have another longer session with the GP this week to discuss some of the issues in more detail. It was okay to talk a little bit, but I still feel very awkward to talk to a GP - I think I feel awkward at any time - what do they do with my inner most feelings? What do they write down? I am a very suspicious person, so I always try to see something bad behind everything. That does not make it easier for me. When the GP asked me if I could print my notes, I backed off. That feels like a written confession to me. It might sound very silly, but like I said, I am very suspicious.

I am also wondering if I want to go ahead, and I did tell the GP that. My life is pretty good, yeah there are some issues, but it is pretty good - why dig in the past??

We talked about the GPs role and who I can contact and that we will look for a psych more suitable for me.

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

What a great start with your GP. My GP always prints off her notes at the end of the consultation and gives them to me. Perhaps you could ask your doc to do the same.

I certainly relate to your comment about disturbing the past. My attitude was that I could not change the past so why revisit it. When I saw a psychiatrist he said it was good to understand the past and come to terms with it. I thought this was far too touchy/feely and really put the brakes on. This psychiatrist turned out to be useless anyway.

However I now see a psychologist who tells me that I need to understand the effect the past has had on me and that makes a great deal more sense. Sometimes we are afraid of opening up the past because it leads to revisiting hurt and sadness. And lets face it, no one wants to be hurt for any reason.

I would never have opened up to my GP if I had not already come to trust her. She looked after my health issues way before I experienced depression. I also would have run away if my GP was a bit pressing about copying my notes. Sometimes I take notes or emails and on occasions I have written a letter to her to explain something I want to talk about. This gives me the chance to think about what I want to say and how to say it. It usually has a number of revisions before I hand it over. Copying your notes is not a way of trapping you but of ensuring he/she has the correct information. Sometimes their notes miss the flavour of what you are trying to say. Remember they cannot share this with anyone else.

In your original post you spoke about

yggy said: I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

It seems to me that you want to get rid of these ghosts  and continue with your happy life without the shadow of the past. Explain to the doc how you feel and quote your words to her. Everyone is uncertain to start with. I know I am. Seeing the DV psych tomorrow.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Thanks Mary, 

I hope your DV psych appointment goes well - what is DV?

Thanks for your advise.I have written a letter to my GP this morning and feel better now. I have two days to look through it again and again.

I actually started with who I am and not what is wrong with me. I think a lot is right with me and I don't want anyone to forget that - or not know that. I have put questions in about working with a GP and psych. Then I did a brief section about the various issues I encountered in my life - I have also noted the issue I do not wish to discuss further - something I am not ready for. I also did a list of things I think I need to work on right now. 

I don't know if I will leave the letter with the GP but I think it is easier to let him read 3 pages than cry myself through the process and get myself utterly confused. I feel like I never remember everything and I have written notes most times when going to any treatment as I forget when I am nervous.

I have also asked him to explain my privacy to me.

I am feeling more confident today and less confused since writing the letter. I think writing down all that is right with me has helped, I am not a broken person, a lot of things are going well in my life.

Thanks for your support, I will let you know how I go.

[White_Rose]

Congratulations Yggy, you are on the right track. Sounds like a great letter and letter the doc read is probably best. I know that feeling of forgetting half the things you want to say.

DV is domestic violence which took place during my marriage of 30 years. Should have got out earlier but at least I'm here.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I hope your appointment was okay. 30 years is a long time, but I am glad you made it out!

My day has been weird with ups and downs. It felt good to write the letter, but then I started to get concerns again. I also read a bit on the bb webpage about treatment options and I looked at psychs in my area, but it is overwhelming how much info there is and how should I know if the next psych is good or a treatment will help? I will just leave that to my GP. I should trust him more, he has refered me to good specialists and therapists before for my genetic condition - I am sure he will know what to do. One more day to go.

silent

lost for words

the tears have dried long ago

starting a new journey

looking for peace

hope

x