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Confused and Uncertain

Jilly
Community Member
I have spent 5 and a bit years struggling with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I have worked so hard climbing out of the deep dark hole I fell in to. Along the way I said hurtful things in anger, re-hashed my past over and over with one thing on my mind and that was to cause pain to the person who is responsible for my PTSD.  I went to the police and made a statement and now regret it despite the fact I told the truth. It is my brother. But I cant take it back. I have dropped all charges but it has had its effect. As things got better and I have been able to come off so many medications I feel clearer, less angrier and with a desire to rebuild my life, despite everything I lost....career, husband, home, friendships and connections to my siblings. I thought as things got better for me so to would these relationships. I think I am wrong, I am still not positive this has happened, but I have tried to reach out to one brother and his family (not the abuser), so far all my calls and messages go unanswered. Its only been 4 attempts, but I am becoming paranoid and it is affecting my day to day thoughts. I am so scared I have lost them for good. There is so much I want to explain but feel like they just dont want to hear it, they are probably sick of my constant talking about myself. I am scared I have changed direction I was heading and that is my fight to rebuild my life.  All because I am being ignored. Then I ask myself is it just paranoia and if so then things in my mind really are not good. One minute I am telling myself to just let it go and focus on myself and then I am wondering whether I should try to make contact again. If I get no response it will really hit me again. I would like one day to find peace with the brother who hurt me, that may never happen, but I have accepted that. I think my reaction to this brother has affected my relationship with the other. Perhaps he thinks I went to far bringing the police into it. He might wonder what kind of person does that to a family member. And those thoughts bring me back to feeling guilty. It took me 5 years to stop that feeling, I dont want those feelings again. This all might sound confusing and that is what I am afraid of. Should I make contact again, should I just get on with rebuilding my life and hope my negative thoughts go away eventually? Should I just wait and see what happens? So confused. 
6 Replies 6

Jacko777
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Jilly,

Sorry to hear how you are feeling Jilly, much love to you.

For me, negative thoughts don't go away eventually, they have to be replaced with positive thoughts, for me I have to oust negative thoughts with the boot, tell myself I am the boss of my own mind. Have you tried meditation Jilly? It helps me a lot to stay focused on the positive and off the negative. With focus you can practice rejecting thoughts about this issue until a time that is appropriate for you, the more you do it the easier it will become.

Obviously this event with your brother was/is huge, it's not surprising that it has affected your life and you feel it needs fixing. Don't forget the steps you took to climb out if the hole last time, they worked right?

You could change your mindset about your efforts to reach out. You could decide that you will never give up trying to reach out to your brothers, be it 4 times or 400 times, you won't give up but you will learn to conserve the energy you lose to their lack of response. You can't control their response, you can control what effort you put in and how it affects you. 

I know it's hard mate, unfortunately we can't go back in time, we can only practice giving our best in the present moment. Talk any time.

Jack

Neil_1
Community Member

Hi there Jilly

 

Firstly, welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.  And wow, so much is involved with what you’ve posted. 

 

You had a brother who hurt you – I’m sorry that this happened and for how you write in this message, it seems that you, as you said, would one day like to make peace with him.

 

As you haven’t mentioned the incident or anything kind of related to it (and you’re very correct in not doing that, if that is what you wish), it does make it a bit more difficult to respond, so I hope you’ll forgive me if I tread to close to anything – as I’m certainly not wishing to do that.

 

But just speaking on a personal side of things, if there was someone who was responsible directly for PTSD and there was the opportunity to bring that person forward and to be made accountable, I must say that I am in your corner on this.  Whatever the thing was, it must have been truly horrible and the effect on you was very severe.

 

But then for you doing that, you’ve then had to experience so much pain and suffering out of that – and to me, that hardly seems right, it hardly seems fair.  That it’s actually caused you so much loss in your life – none of that to me seems reasonable.

 

Moving on from there, it has you who has then been trying to reach out to make peace and all of that has fallen on deaf ears also.

 

All of this bought on by something horrible that your brother did to you, I’m guessing, so many years ago.  Horrible instances in our lives, impact on us with devastating effects, as you well know.

 

I think these “other people” should put themselves in your shoes, so they can try to learn or feel the pain and suffering that you’ve had to experience – the pain and suffering you felt long ago, but also, the pain and suffering of now realising that you possibly feel abandoned by those close to you.

 

I would love to hear back from you and I really hope that you can continue to lay down more bricks and cement them in solidly, as you make further efforts to rebuild your life (with or without these other people).

 

I also hope that I’ve read your post correctly and my assumptions were reasonably accurate.

 

Kind regards

 

Neil

Ladyhawke
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Jilly. I read your post and really felt for your plight. You have been through so much, and it seems you have an enormous burden to sort out. Have you considered speaking with someone professionally to sort through all your options and possibly give you some alternatives? A psychologist could be of great benefit in helping you put things into perspective and work with you in dealing with past issues. It's worth a try - it would be daunting for anyone to experience life as you have and cope alone. Seeing a psychologist need not be a long term comitment; the idea is that you work together until you both feel you've achieved what you set out to do. I really think speaking to someone professionally, who is removed from the situation - that is, not a family member - could help you get some order and stability into your life. If you think this may be of assistance, then speak with your GP and ask him/her to refer you to a psychologist. I hope this advice helps.

Jilly
Community Member

Neil when I was 13 my brother made an attempt in a sexual nature, nothing ended up happening but remains in my memory. From that time up until I left home at 17 he on an off again physically beat me. Punching, kicking, hands around my throat, spitting on me etc. It was never really taken seriously. Just stupid brother/sister fighting. I am 48 now and up until 6 years ago I lived with it, I had a relationship with him & even though it was always on my mind to some extent. At times when things went wrong for him I would feel pleased & I felt so guilty for those thoughts. I confronted him a few times over the years, but always agreed to let it go. Im not sure why but It seemed all my anger and the feelings of this time came back in a way it had never before & I couldn't hold anything in. I began seeing a psychologist as things became unbearable. I began to have seizures around this time and was diagnosed with Epilepsy, however they think some of these seizures where non-epileptic psychogenic seizures, things went down hill from there. I became angry and wanted so much for my family to acknowledge what had happened and be there for my brother and me. I think everyone just wanted it to go away and for me to be quiet. I struggled terribly & began planning a way to disappear and after that I didn't really care what happened to me, in the end I was admitted to a psych hospital. I came out of that thankfully. I have 2 kids, one 23 and one 18 who have been my reason to rebuild my life. I have until now. I take no medications anymore & felt good. I felt there was nothing to be gained by pursing the legal avenue. I wanted to move on, but this is proving difficult lately with my constant questioning about family. Although I had reached a healthy point and wanted to move on, they still would rather avoid the risk of my problems again. I have to really try to think about how far I have come, and like Jack's reply above says I should keep reaching out to my family. I really don't want to go backwards. It scares me so much. I don't want to start feeling guilty again about who I am & what I have done over the last few years. I might have to accept the way it is now and keep working on my battle in my mind. I have to believe I can still have a wonderful life with or without my brothers. Thankyou to all of you, I am grateful I can come here and get some advice from some who are happy to read my confused thoughts. It does get tiring fighting your own thoughts doesnt it?

Jacko777
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Jilly, thanks for replying.

I think you are so right, you can have a wonderful life with or without your brothers, you might regret not trying to contact them, so you can try and you will learn to do it in a way that doesn't sap your energy. The 'battle' is to stay focused on the positive parts of your life and not allowing the negative thoughts to stay in your mind, kick them out, find the positive in all situations, with practice this becomes easier as you wear in new pathways in your mind. Everything can be viewed as positive if you see it as a valuable learning experience that motivates you to grow into a smarter kinder person. I try and believe that I can't 'go backwards' as such, you have learnt much through experience and you use this to take on new challenges.

Jack

Ladyhawke
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Jilly. I just wanted to reiterate that you are part of a caring, supportive community, many of whom have experienced the most negative aspects of life. We are all at varying stages of dealing with our own personal demons, something which is very difficult to do alone. That's what draws us to the community forums; we ask for assistance and try to give assistance where possible. A friend sent me the following quote a few weeks ago; I think it is relevant to the community forums:

"Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory." (Proverbs 11-14 NASB)

Take care.