Labels and moving on

[MsDugzt]

I have lots of labels these days. I hate labels! MS, CPTSD, Anxiety, Depression-it goes on. All I know is that I feel down,like black down.My life is peppered with traumatic events starting with the unfortunate passing of my first two children from a rare genetic disease.Then sexual abuse,divorce,severe domestic violence from a new ptnr,death of my dear parents , diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis and it goes on..the roundabout goes around… Most days I have suicidal thoughts brought on by fatigue,pain and loneliness. I do have people around me. My gorgeous hubby who I’ve been married to for 19yrs, my two adult girls who are my life, a sprinkling of very good friends. I have 4 carers in my life, a brilliant medical team and a psychologist who suggested this forum. I have an amazing faith in my God and a supportive congregation.But I can’t shake this black cloud. I’m not looking for sympathy.What has happened has happened, I can’t change that. I’m looking for something to lift this black cloud. Some promise. Some hope to get through my days. I don’t want my loved ones to suffer on without me, that’s why I stay. But I don’t want to stay. I really don’t. This living caper is exhausting for me. I’m rambling I know, but there’s too much in the past that won’t stay away from my thoughts. That’s part of my story…..

[Sophie_M]

Hi MsDugzt,  Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others who understand what you’re going through. We can hear how difficult it has been lately, we’re so sorry that’s been going on for you.  It sounds like you’ve taken some really good steps in having an amazing support team and netowrk of friends and family, and following the advice of your psychologist. It sounds like it would be a great time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide.   If you'd like, we'd also recommend calling the Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. The counsellors there are super kind and supportive, they’re understanding and can be good to talk to right in the midst of these feelings, or at any moment so that you can work out your next steps in getting more support together with them on the phone. You can also reach them via webchat 24/7.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone  We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.   Kind regards,  Sophie M 

[MsDugzt]

Thanks Sophie. I appreciate all of that. This reaching out thing is really hard for me to do. I think it’s a generational thing 😂. I have to start doing it though before I lose this internal battle that I have in my head.

[ecomama]

Dear MsDugzt, welcome to the forums. I hope you stay and look around at the threads in the Wellbeing section perhaps? 

I understand what you're saying. 
Firstly, I'm sorry for the tremendous losses you've suffered in your life. Also for the abuse, hugs. 

You probably described "things" with more clarity upon joining than I did. Your initial post was so precise and has so many things expressed succinctly. Well done! 

I think I've spent most of the past 50+ years "handing things over to God", he must be exhausted too! 

I'm grateful that you have your faith. 

I was able to have 4 very effective sessions with a Trauma Psychologist who taught me how to do Exposure Therapy on my own. My goals were to "file" the memories away, for me to have control over them, but to call on them when I chose to (not the other way around), with very little if any emotional weight behind them. 

It worked well. I still use this technique when I need to. 

Black cloud - well said. 
I do quote the Bible regularly to myself. What's a favourite of yours? 
One of my faves is "Be still and know that I am God"... love this stillness with God. 

Another set of things I NEED to practice like breathing... is daily self-care and points of gratitude. 
We have 2 threads to note these. One on self-care I started. Another called something like "3 things to be thankful for today" by Doolhoff. 
Grounding ourselves regularly can move these into habits which can eventually spread throughout our minds and lives. Dr Joe Dispenza has AWESOME meditation clips on YouTube which support changing habits of our minds. 

Hope we can talk more soon, 
Love EMxxxx

[geoff]

Hello MsDugzt, what you have been through is unexplainable, but to lose two dear children must be horrific for you and my heart goes out to you, not only from this, but what else you have told us, because when something does happen against your wishes, then even something small only compounds on how you are feeling.

People are very quick to label us with a mental disorder, but they don't have the experience, let alone the knowledge to justify this, but it's done to ease their conscious, rather than help us solve these issues.

This 'black cloud' is what comes and goes, but never disappears until we are able to overcome it, understand it or at least control it and can be triggered at the worst possible time, that's not necessarily what we could ever predict and as soon as it begins, it starts to gain pace along the way.

The problem is you cherish your husband and two adult girls, so it's very difficult to know why you can't move on, but MI can't be turned on and then off as you wish, it's a condition that will gradually get better in small steps, if you are able to change your routine slowly, because if you stay on the same path, then you won't get any better.

Geoff.

Life Member.