My partner was disowned from his family because he chose to be with me

[LivvMay]

My partner was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness for context. 

To summarize

we met online and became a couple.  

His father spied on his phone and monitored and archived our conversations without us knowing. (He was 18 at the time.) His dad took away all of his devices, constantly guilt tripped him saying he was going against Jehovah and their religion (this was because I was a Jehovah’s Witness. His father screamed and lectured him for hours. (This happened a lot.)

In the end he wasn’t even allowed to leave the house anymore. He had no access to the internet or literally anything. He sat in his room staring at the wall all day barely eating or drinking.

After a while his parents gave him an ultimatum. It was either stay with them and the religion or leave to stay with the worldly person and get disowned. He already made up his mind but every time he told them he would just be told “we know you will make the right decision. Think about it some more.”

after a couple of months he escaped through his window in the middle of the night. He had bought another phone in secret and packed some spare clothes, then caught a plane to my state where we met in person for the first time.

for two years after that he lived at my family home struggling significantly with the trauma. His father would message and call him nearly every day with more guilt tripping which kept the trauma fresh in his mind. The religion he was in taught him to believe that if he leaves the religion he was going to “die to Armageddon and that people in the outside world would prey on him like vultures.” He still believed in those teachings so he had many many panic attacks, break downs and severe dissociation periods. I was 17 at the time, still in high-school and this was my first relationship. I didn’t know how to help him at all. it was like he was an empty shell of a person. 

it’s now two years later since he left and he has healed so much. He is himself again and has goals in life. He still has a long way to go but he’s motivated and on the right track. he’s got his own place, a job and is in university. But recently things have been really hard. His parents are coming up here to find where he lives to see him. He is scared and is going back to his same mindset from before. It’s hard to see him so stressed and scared and I really want to help. But I don’t know what to do.
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[Sophie_M]

Hi LivvMay

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting tonight. We're so sorry to hear of the distress both you and your partner have been experiencing recently - fearing the return of his family and their pressuring in his life and the undermining of all the hard work he has put in. To hear about your partners struggles with his family/upbringing are very heartbreaking also. 

Can we ask does your partner have any professional supports he is either currently utilising, or would go back to see if he is able? We'd love to know that he has these sorts of supports in place as he may need them for moments such as these, and for his continual healing journey.

Whether he does or doesn't have any professional supports he can turn to, we'd like to recommend that your partner consider getting in contact with our friends at the Blue Knot Foundation. The Blue Knot Foundation provides information and support for anyone who is affected by complex trauma. Complex trauma is repeated, ongoing, and often extreme interpersonal trauma (between people) – violence, abuse, neglect or exploitation experienced as a child, young person and adult. They also have support and information for people who support those who have experienced complex trauma as well, have a look here for some information to help guide you in supporting him, but also so you don't feel alone in supporting him. 

If you would also like to talk to someone in real time, please remember that you get in contact with us 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat. We're always here to talk through your feelings with you and we're here to offer you support, advice and referrals.

We hope to hear from you soon, 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[LivvMay]

Thank you so much for the reply. 

at the moment he has no support groups to talk to. He promised me he would see therapy one day however we are not financially stable enough for it yet. I believe the group also teach that therapy is not recommended so he does not think highly of support groups or anything like that. When I ask him why he says things like “ hearing other peoples stories it doesn’t really help me” and things like that. 

He really needs to seek help related to narcissism and high control groups but I can’t find much in the area. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I have a niece that joined a cult at 14yo. No matter what we did we could not retrieve her. At 40yo she is now an established pastor there. Sadly she is gone forever and people suffer so much.  We dont see her children and are categorised as evil.

You can support him by reminding him that he is protected by law. He does not need to talk to them. If really scared he can get a court order stopping them from contacting him in any way.

He also needs to know that self help by way of being proactive is a requirement for all people if they need to secure their lives. This could include joining groups or learning the contact laws etc. 

TonyWK