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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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NKL__ How do I believe in myself?
  • replies: 1

My name is Nat, I'm 29 years old and up until this last year, my entire life has been a constant repetition of trauma and abuse.I have seen my mum overdose on heroin more times than I can count, I've visited her in hospital when she went on a binge s... View more

My name is Nat, I'm 29 years old and up until this last year, my entire life has been a constant repetition of trauma and abuse.I have seen my mum overdose on heroin more times than I can count, I've visited her in hospital when she went on a binge so much that she almost lost her legs, her kidney function, her life. When she drank it was different, it was violent. She's abused me, my sister, strangers passing us by, I've seen her try to kill herself in front of us, the list goes on.I've had to undress her from homemade diapers and bathe her because she didn't want to get up to go to the toilet anymore, taken her to court appointments for when she's attacked people in streets and more recently spent two years by her side when she was in a psych ward from drug induced psychosis after trying to kill her neighbours. I would call her doctors on my lunch break to work out her treatment and rehab plans, visit her every weekend and clean out her house so she had a real home to come back to and within 6 months she started drinking and doing drugs. It broke me and I knew it was time to take space from her so I could focus on giving myself the same love, care and effort I was giving her.To add to the list of traumas, I've been drugged and raped twice and both times were away with friends, they knew what happened when they found me but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud, none of them wanted to address it and ruin their holiday so we acted like it never happened.I feel like everything has worn me down so much that I don't have anything left to give in this life. I try to practice mindfulness, awareness and gratitude. I do affirmations, meditate and have gone to therapy when I can afford it but whenever I do anything good for my self I can feel this deep seeded belief that things won't work out for me and I am always walking around with this sense of doom and insecurity. I can't go anywhere or do anything when I'm alone, I completely shut off and dissociate watching days go by and thinking nothing of it. I don't know how to make myself believe that I can get better, I am doing all the things to help but I know none of it will work unless I truly believe happiness and positive change will happen and I can't.How do I start believing in myself?

Immy-95 Self-discovery after trauma
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I have lost my identity and direction in my life. I have suffered through many traumas which have destroyed my sense of self and thus, I am 'lost' in my own life. I have forgotten what I am good at, what my dreams are, what my goals are,... View more

Hi everyone, I have lost my identity and direction in my life. I have suffered through many traumas which have destroyed my sense of self and thus, I am 'lost' in my own life. I have forgotten what I am good at, what my dreams are, what my goals are, and who I really am. I would love and appreciate advice as I am really struggling.

44Max44 I think I've realized why I have such a hard time with friends and relationships
  • replies: 2

For a long time now I've had a lot of trouble with relationships, whether that be with friends, family, romantic partners, or whatever else. I never really knew why this was the case, but after a bit of thinking the other day, I think I know why this... View more

For a long time now I've had a lot of trouble with relationships, whether that be with friends, family, romantic partners, or whatever else. I never really knew why this was the case, but after a bit of thinking the other day, I think I know why this is the case, or at least part of the reason it's the case.As a kid I had 3 best friends (all at different points in time), I never really had big friend groups, I would just have 1 main friend that I put all of my time and effort into. I realized that all 3 ended badly and quite suddenly, all for stupid reasons.With the first, one day we were playing the N64 and I accidentally spilled a drink, which spilled onto some of his Pokemon cards and ruined them. When he saw this, he started screaming and crying and said "I hate you, I never want to see you again" and at that point I was crying and just waited for my Mum to pick me up. I never saw him again. He was my best friend for years, and we fell out over a dumb accident.My next best friend pretty much threw me under the bus. One day, my friend's older brother came home early from work, and saw that his xbox controller joysticks had been chewed up. I wasn't me, it was all my friend, but he immediately threw me under the bus and blamed me for doing it. His older brother then started yelling at me and scared the shit out of me, and that traumatized me, so I never saw that friend again after that either (not that I wanted to, you never throw your friends under the bus).With my third best friend, one day we had a disagreement, I won't say what about because I am already nearing the character limit, but it was a stupid disagreement and we stopped hanging out after that.Anyways,This is why I think I don't even bother with relationships now. As a child I was conditioned to think that all relationships would inevitably end for little to no reason, so "what's the point in putting any effort into them at all?". I lost 3 best friends that I put my heart and soul into, all over trivial things. My parents also divorced when I was quite young, and my older brother had a new girlfriend pretty much every other month (so I never even bothered to get to know any of them). Both of those things probably just further cemented that mindset into me. Anyways, I'm not looking to get any advice out of this post really, I just wanted to speak my mind.

Frisk Not sure what to think of my father
  • replies: 2

Little S/H warning Honestly my father has hit my in the past but I only remember 2 times he’s done it he once kicked my in the leg just for looking for some swimmers and the other time he punched my in the stomach so hard I passed out. He frequently ... View more

Little S/H warning Honestly my father has hit my in the past but I only remember 2 times he’s done it he once kicked my in the leg just for looking for some swimmers and the other time he punched my in the stomach so hard I passed out. He frequently yells insults at me and belittling me for random things sometimes and I don’t understand why. Like if a door accidentally slams shut I starts to panic thinking he’s going to yell at me again because he doesn't like slamming doors but when he’s angry at me he yells at me then after he finishes he slams the door behind him and it makes me shake a little. Another time he knew I s/h and one day I made him made for some reason that day but I started looking for something I don’t know what but he was yelling at me before I was looking for something and he yells and insult at me that made me tear up a little and I started to walk away he then screamed “Yeah go f!@#ing S/H” Well something around those lines but then after he apologised saying he shouldn’t have said that and that he was sorry but I just nodded and said it’s fine when really I never forgave him because h encouraged my s/h issue and didn’t get me the help I needed. He even tells me to control my anger when he’s the one with the anger problem. I always get so scared that sometimes when I see him coming towards me I think he’s gonna yell at me like I did something wrong. I find that he’s probably called me all the names in the book. Sometimes he jokes about me being fat, Chubby when I’m reality I don’t look that way and it really makes me feel bad. My mum isn’t that bad she hasn’t called me any mean name she just yells but it’s not as bad as my dads.

PsychedelicFur It's so difficult to function, I'm exhausted
  • replies: 2

Hello there. I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder but I am yet to receive a diagnosis. I have an intense fear of abandonment. I fear being judged and when I sense I have been judged by someone I isolate myself. I couldn't hold down my e... View more

Hello there. I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder but I am yet to receive a diagnosis. I have an intense fear of abandonment. I fear being judged and when I sense I have been judged by someone I isolate myself. I couldn't hold down my employment. Masking to pretend that I was OK was extremely difficult. I have very black and white thinking, love and hate. And I feel like sometimes everyone is against me and everyone wants me to fail in life. I don't live leaving the house and I suffer from social insecurity and anxiety. I find it hard to sleep. And I just feel so overwhelmed. It's hard to relate to people. I get hyper sensitive to the way some people word their messages or the tone they use in conversation. Even small incidents make my day or mood intense. I internalize and bottle up a lot of anger and frustration. "Functioning" as a "normal" human being is really difficult. I'm on break for university at the moment but at the end of my uni year I felt snowed under with work and I still feel so burnt out. I'm 20 years of age but I don't feel like an adult. I constantly feel exhausted by my self destructive thoughts. I want a therapist who will take my stories/experiences seriously. I feel that something isn't right BUT I don't really know what it is. I recognize and acknowledge that self diagnosis is not ideal. Although, I feel so stuck and I really relate and resonate to all of the information I am studying or reading about Borderline Personality Disorder. Finally I feel like my feelings, intense emotions, worries and concerns are VALID. PF.

JustAnYtka Trauma Dreams
  • replies: 2

Hiya, I haven't been here in a while because I haven't needed it but this morning I had a dream that involved some trauma from a few years ago.I don't know why it happened but its made me confused and quite frankly scared. Why did it happen after 2 y... View more

Hiya, I haven't been here in a while because I haven't needed it but this morning I had a dream that involved some trauma from a few years ago.I don't know why it happened but its made me confused and quite frankly scared. Why did it happen after 2 years of not having any trauma dreams? I can think of no triggers.The dream was so vivid that I woke up in Fight, drenched in sweat and terrified, also feeling guilty. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks,Bee

Booots Reality vs present - past vs present, disassociate confusion
  • replies: 3

Hi peeps , hopefully somebody can help me clear some thoughts that have been going round in my head. I have PTSD , I think I disassociate.But when I am in a disassociate state I'm not escaping my trauma memories I am remembering them or I'm stuck in ... View more

Hi peeps , hopefully somebody can help me clear some thoughts that have been going round in my head. I have PTSD , I think I disassociate.But when I am in a disassociate state I'm not escaping my trauma memories I am remembering them or I'm stuck in some other negative thought loop .... hopefully people don't say that is flashbacks because it's not always real past traumas , I do have flashbacks I know , but I feel I disassociate from whatever I'm doing eg driving a.d get stuck in a negative thought or memory .I'm not disassociating from the trauma do whats that called and why do I keep doing it

MIB Looking Over My Shoulder
  • replies: 3

Hi,I trace my change back to 2011, I was in Christchurch New Zealand during the major Feb quake that took 185 lives and left the city in ruins. I was working at home when it struck, both my son and wife were in the Christchurch CBD. I was in shock as... View more

Hi,I trace my change back to 2011, I was in Christchurch New Zealand during the major Feb quake that took 185 lives and left the city in ruins. I was working at home when it struck, both my son and wife were in the Christchurch CBD. I was in shock as I picked myself up off the floor ( Not sure how I ended up there ). I remember jumping in the car and heading into the city, with no power for traffic lights, and big aftershocks causing the road to snake in front of me. I was numb and scared, I could see as I got closer to the city the destruction and smoke rising. I got lucky and got my son on the mobile and arranged a spot for pickup ( Not knowing if that was possible ).I did pick up my wife her building was very damaged and she had some bruises, we headed into the CBD for our son, driving through none existent roads and bridges that we had no idea if they were safe. We ended up parking 4 or 5 blocks out of the CBD and walked barefoot due to the liquefaction, we found my son in the crowd. That was the first part of my personal mission, save my family, now get them home ( This took 4 hours enduring many aftershock quakes ). I have a very clear memory while sitting in traffic looking over and seeing a woman with 2 young children in her car, her eyes were like saucers, and I had never seen that much fear ever it really upset me at the time. Fast forward a few years and I was forever looking over my shoulder, what was out to get me, catastrophizing all parts of my life. I had a short fuse, I thought everyone was out to get me. It's a very exhausting way to live, I did get medication and time did heal but the need to look over my shoulder is a hard thing to conquer, I am lucky to have a great wife to help me step back. I watched the 10 year remembrance on TV, it really got the emotions of the day flowing, its the sounds of the sirens that sets me off. That night I had a vivid dream that ended up with me sprawled on the floor after in my sleep I threw myself under a table so I thought. I have been in Australia for a few years now and fresh start has helped, but the mood swings and old habits still rear their head and this week is one of those times. Sleep patterns shot, the mood is low, Not see a way forward, and wanting just lay down and not deal with anything. It will pass, but it will be back

Booots Ptsd ?? I don’t understand my situation
  • replies: 8

Hi guys , firstly I want to acknowledge that I don’t feel my situation compares to most of the people on here .others have it a lot worse but hoping someone has time to share some insight . I have developed severe anxiety and depression , social anxi... View more

Hi guys , firstly I want to acknowledge that I don’t feel my situation compares to most of the people on here .others have it a lot worse but hoping someone has time to share some insight . I have developed severe anxiety and depression , social anxiety from some bad Experiances that I won’t go into been seeing a psychologist who suspects ptsd - but I read with ptsd there is emotional numbing ... but my emotions are all over the place - anger , guilt , depression , agitation , irritable and withdrawal Anybody have any insight on this ? Because I’m a bit confused by this diagnosis im coping ok ,one day at a time but wondering if I’m going down the right path and getting the right treatment thanks

Ely_ Managing triggers- advice needed please
  • replies: 5

Hi all,I am starting up with support workers again soon. I had a meeting last week where I met them briefly. One of the new ladies unfortunately very much reminds me of a male from my past who caused alot of trauma. It isn't her fault my brain makes ... View more

Hi all,I am starting up with support workers again soon. I had a meeting last week where I met them briefly. One of the new ladies unfortunately very much reminds me of a male from my past who caused alot of trauma. It isn't her fault my brain makes this connection. She just happens to look similar in a number of ways. Does anyone have any tips for how to handle this? There aren't many other options here, and I would definitely rather try if I can. And it doesn't feel fair to the support worker to turn her away for something like this. This is the first time I've encountered a female triggering this response in me. I have only come across males that I have had similar reactions to in the past. So this is all new ground. Thanks.