Nervous breakdown PTSD Memories

[Living57]

I saw my psych yesterday and my dr today. They say I am close to having a breakdown.
I had a lovely Xmas, but had 2 visits to Police HQ flow up an assault, it put a damper on things.
Now I'm home, back to routine and I'm struggling to cope.
I've lost interest in everything and spend my days at home,making excuses not to go out.
I decided to see my dr to discuss this. He said the stress that I am under us the major contributing fact.
The PTSD isn't going anywhere, my depression is getting worse. In layman's terms a nervous breakdown.
I'm exhausted trying to cope.
I confided in a friend I ran in to and she said no not you, you're always so happy.
I'm obviously good at putting on a face.
I can feel myself slipping backwards and I've worked hard to get where I am,but now it seems like it was not worth it.
The memories and flashbacks are endless. I rarely watch TV because of triggers.
Sometimes I just feel like screaming and tearing my hair out.
I cry a lot.
I have a daughter and adult grandsons nearby and a daughter and grandsons interstate.
I dont even want to see them.
I only go to see my psych on a regular basis its a struggle to even do that but I know I need it.
I just don't know what else to do.
This forum allows me to just say it, thank you for listening.

[smallwolf]

Hi. I am at work at the moment and cannot type out a long reply. Firstly I noticed you said you are seeing a psychologist which is a good thing in my opinion. I see one myself on a regular basis.

And I am sorry for the reaction you got from your friend.

You mentioned slipping backwards and it was not worth it. I see my journey as walking to the top of a mountain and sometimes I have to go down into a valley to find an alternate or better pathway to the top. At some point the valley will level and start to rise again. It is how I stop myself from feeling as though my MI has reset and I am back at the beginning.

I hope you will write what is on you mind here and I am listening to you. I also hope some of my reply made sense to you.

Tim

[Living57]

Hi Tim
Thank you for your encouraging words, you have no.idea what it means to know that others do understand how I feel, that somebody out there has walked in my shoes, so to speak.

Regards

[James_M]

Dear Living57

Just wanted to reach out here as I have had several nervous breakdowns myself over the past 20 years due to a variety or reasons at different times including narcissistic abuse, witnessing abuse of a loved one, being in helpless and overwhelming situations, witnessing extreme suffering and death of a loved one, sever animal suffering, poverty, abandonment and homelessness.

From my own experience, and what life has tought me, having these nervous breakdowns were a vital part of my survival during challenging times, it is like our minds telling us we need to stop or it is going to do it for us.

I don't seem to have them anymore, I guess because my awareness has grown enough that I can feel when things aren't right and take action before it gets the better of me. And you can do this too.

Declutter your life as much as you can, remove anything and everything you can to limit incoming stressors and triggers (including people) for a little while, if you have friends or family that's aren't really helping your situation, take a break from them for a few weeks. It still amazes me how much other people can cause us so much stress, sometimes directly but sometimes indirectly too.

Having quiet time to yourself is really important right now, forget things that you used to do, you won't have any interest in them at the moment. Just keep it simple, like go for long walks (I used to bike ride a lot) and get some rest. My last nervous breakdown I kinda caught just before it took hold, I could feel it coming like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. a friend at the time sensed something was up and referred me to a a chap named Gabor Matte on Youtube. I started listening to him and he really helped me to understand why the mind does what it does (plus the sound of his voice is like a warm blanket). I ended sleeping for like 3 weeks on the sofa, completely exhausted, but it was probably the most peace I've even had.

I still listen to Gabor regularly, as well as Eckhart Tolle, plus practice mindfulness in every thought and action I take. Everyday is still a a bit of a battle, and sometimes i slip back a bit, but it's ok now, it's like "I got this".

Hope this helps.

[Living57]

I feel as if I'm falling back into the blackness of my CPTSD. My nightmares have become a vivid reliving of the horrific sexual assault I was subject to. I relive it, at other times its like I'm watching it and can't turn away. As a result my depression and anxiety has gotten worse.

I'm not doing anything different at night to what I have done previously. Im so tired and fed up. I try everything I can to go to bed relaxed. I even listening to self guided meditations, calming music, I've stopped reading before bed. Anything to have a calm clear mind. But once I fall asleep it seems that is the trigger for the horror to return. I just want a reasonable night's sleep. I live with triggers during the day that cause flashbacks such as sirens, seeing uniformed police, police cars etc, I dont need it at night.

I was doing so well and now I feel like I'm back to square one. All the hard work of the past 23 months seems to have disappeared and I must start again.....I don't want to do all that work again.

I dont know what to do and my exhaustion has given me brain fog so bad I can't even think straight.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Living57,

That sounds incredibly difficult, we’re so sorry to hear you’re going through it right now, and feeling like it's been such a long time. It doesn't mean it will last forever, but we are here for you in these really difficult moments. Please know that the forums and our lovely community are here for you, and it’s really good that you could share this here. 

Are you seeing your psychologist/psychiatrist at the moment? Please remember you can talk to Blue Knot on 1300 657 380, available every day between 9-5 (AEST). They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. Another good option is 1800 RESPECT  on 1800 737 732. The Beyond Blue helpline is here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding. In the meantime, we hope it's helpful to revisit the a

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Living57]

Sophie M thank you for your reply and helpful suggestions. I am seeing my psychologist regularly, very hard at times but I recognise that I need to do it.

I will keep trying to push through and not let the misery and depression take over.

[mascudkoray]

hi , i hope you are okey now , i had the same problem before , right now am ok with that

[Living57]

I'm just going along day by day and nothing is changing but me. I feel as if I'm not myself. At times I feel like I'm watching myself doing the things I used to do. And then all my things around me, even my coffee cup, seems further away from me. Things are done and I dont remember doing it. Like this morning I got up did my usual routine and then I noticed the bed was made and so was my cup of tea. I have no recollection of doing either of them. It's not just started today, its been about three weeks. Its pushing my anxiety levels up and then panic sets in and my CPTSD kicks in. I just feel like I'm heading for a breakdown.

I go over things in mind, I remember things I'm trying to forget, the childhood abuse, the sexual assault, the verbal abuse, when I try to remember the good things in come the bad things.

The nightmare of the person I saw as a child has come back to taunt and tease me. I thought he'd gone, but obviously not.

I'm finding I can't concentrate on things, I feel like I'm moving away and watching myself. I put the TV on for noise to try and be a distraction but I couldn't tell you what was on, it feels like its in another world even though I can see it. I feel like I'm going crazy. The only good thing.....ha ha ha.....is that this only lasts an hour or so and then I'm back to myself, worrying anxious and emotionally and mentally tired. I just wondered if any of you have been like this and what did you do about it.

Thanks for "listening" to me once again

[Mum Chris]

Hi living57

i can relate to your post having thoughts and memories invade your mind and for me my sleep is terrifying and overwhelming. My counsellor told me this week to pick up those feelings and thoughts from my pillow and shove them in a cupboard or draw and don’t let them out. For me this week it was a overwhelming grief and sadness and it sounds weird but today I had a good day. I engaged with my day and I made plans and stuck to them. Baby steps but way better than yesterday. The thoughts still tried to get back in but I didn’t let them out of the cupboard.
sleep has not been easy either as I have vivid dreams and often scream but I have no control over that I listened to a meditation music tape one night till the morning and there was a woman saying I was a wonderful person and I was great or something it’s funny I can’t remember now and I had no dreams that night.
maybe no one magic answer just be kind to yourself

I would never treat a person as bad as I treat myself self hatred is real. I remember I was asked to write down 3 nice things about myself and I couldn’t write 1. Took me 12 months to do that list that was 35yrs ago and I need to do it again. Now I find I’m mentally telling myself dozens of things I’ve failed at and what a terrible person I am. I have to find a way to be nice to me and like me again.
keeping focus is important and not distancing from now. I bought some nice smelly stuff and I spray that to feel comfort and as a gift to me.