Nervous breakdown PTSD Memories

Living57 · ‎21-01-2021

I saw my psych yesterday and my dr today. They say I am close to having a breakdown.
I had a lovely Xmas, but had 2 visits to Police HQ flow up an assault, it put a damper on things.
Now I'm home, back to routine and I'm struggling to cope.
I've lost interest in everything and spend my days at home,making excuses not to go out.
I decided to see my dr to discuss this. He said the stress that I am under us the major contributing fact.
The PTSD isn't going anywhere, my depression is getting worse. In layman's terms a nervous breakdown.
I'm exhausted trying to cope.
I confided in a friend I ran in to and she said no not you, you're always so happy.
I'm obviously good at putting on a face.
I can feel myself slipping backwards and I've worked hard to get where I am,but now it seems like it was not worth it.
The memories and flashbacks are endless. I rarely watch TV because of triggers.
Sometimes I just feel like screaming and tearing my hair out.
I cry a lot.
I have a daughter and adult grandsons nearby and a daughter and grandsons interstate.
I dont even want to see them.
I only go to see my psych on a regular basis its a struggle to even do that but I know I need it.
I just don't know what else to do.
This forum allows me to just say it, thank you for listening.

Living57 · ‎18-02-2022

I'm feeling pain. All the pain of letting family and other people down. So much guilt and remorse and sorrow. Feeling as if im choking from it, as if somebody has their hands around my neck. I don't know who I am. I have labels, Mum, Ma-ma etc but who am I. I cannot find myself in all those labels. I have had choices all my life. I don't know if I made the right decision. I had chances to make some thing of my life. I obviously did it wrong. The real me has retreated, from the c world. Is it possible to keep going. Should I not. Will I make life worse for my family and friends by staying. I don't think I have anything to offer if I don't know who I am
I think about finding myself but don't know how. So many regrets in mine. Today I'm trying to find my way by thinking back to choices I had. Its like a maze, dragging me into the wrong turn, not finding the right path. Totally lost in my memories. Everybody else seems so happy and content with themselves and I hate it that they are that way. They've worked out their lives and I'm lost so totally and utterly lost. The mental pain never leaving me, just constantly reminding me of the abuse, pain and hurt I've lived through and continue to live every bloody day, and I'm tired of it.
I can hear my late father, who never acknowledged mental health as an illness, chin up, he'd say, get on with it, there are people with real illnesses worse off than you, stop crying you have no reason to. And now those memories make me angry. Perhaps if I'd had help as a child things would now be different.
I've enclosed myself in my own world. I let nobody in. I keep to myself. I have nothing to offer. I struggle to maintain a decent conversation. My life has become me and my plants. I read and try to paint but its hard to put images on paper
My life is full of regrets and hurt and pain.

Sophie_M · ‎18-02-2022

Hey Living57,

We're so sorry to hear how hurt and lost you feel. We can hear you're dealing with a lot of painful memories and relationships, and it makes it really hard to let people in and feel ok with yourself. We really hope you can be kind to yourself through this, and reach out to support like ourselves to help you through these painful moments. It's really great that you've shared this here and been able to open up about what's going on for you right now.

We’re sure you’ll hear from some of our lovely forum members soon, but in the meantime we wanted to let you know that we’re here, if you ever feel like reaching out to our support service, we’re here, via email, webchat or phone. Another good option is Blue Knot, who have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. You can also ring them on 1300 657 380, available from 9am-5pm AEDT Monday-Sunday and public holidays. You can also email helpline@blueknot.org.au.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Ggrand · ‎18-02-2022

Hello Dear Living59,

Reading your posts is like reading my life...I am still struggling with all the wrong choices I made in my very emotional and physical abusive marriage even though it’s nearly 9 years since my husband passed away...

The nightmares, the yelling, swearing, actions and words and people in general really can and do trigger me many times back in time to re live and feel everything all over again....I try to tell myself that I’m safe now..he cannot hurt me anymore....even though he can’t it doesn’t really make it any easier to believe in those words..,

My counsellor told me that if I hear something that triggers me, to ASAP listen to something nice...birds, music, if I see something that triggers me find something calming ASAP to look at...for me it’s mostly the clouds or trees that I look at....sound silly..it did to me when she suggested it to me...it works sometimes and sometimes not...but anything is worth trying to not go deeper into PTSD...

Most of my bad choices were made by me..to keep the peace, to protect my children and to protect me...now reflecting back on them...I see only my weakness and fear of my husband that made me make those choices....and that makes me feel bad about myself....

You had the courage and the strength to walk away from your abusers....I did not.....I admire you greatly for that...You were strong to do that, you can try to gain some strength and be stronger by not letting what he did to you control your life now....I know my abusive husband owned me, controlled me, hurt my inner most soul...I am trying hard...really really hard, to not let him win...I am not under his control anymore, neither are you lovely Living57....finding out who we really are supposed to be as an individual is hard, but I know you can, and I can do this...,I am a survivor....and trying hard on a daily basis to be more then what my husband made me believe I was....I know you can as well...

Keep strong, Living57..believe in yourself....because you are an amazingly strong and beautiful person...

My kind thoughts, with my care and a hug..

Grandy..

mmMekitty · ‎18-02-2022

Hello Living 57

I've been through the, 'what if', & how I must have done something wrong, or didn't do what I should have, not making any real decisions at all - well, mostly, because I had to admit, because I did make a few decisions, choosing one option over any other options I saw. What were my choices? awfully limitted as I saw it, & made the best choice I could, under the circumstances. I didn't know much, had no confidence, had no friends who could help; I din't think anyone could or would help me. I was feeling absolutely alone & helpless, hopeless, but desperate. I was an animal in a trap.

I did my best. I think back, & I don't think I could have made different decisions to those I did. I cannot regret keeping myself alive. I do hope for better, but I'm not wearing rosy glasses.

I cannot undo everything done. I cannot walk another road than the one I did. I can only be more mindful, taking more care of my Self, as never before.

If I need those distractions, as Grandy has mentioned, I will use them as I am able. Or I choose to examine what I am thinking & feeling, by writing, (yes, painting when I could see enough not anymore, though - I wish I could), & I'll even talk to my Psychiatrist as well, & think over whatever comments or questions he has.

One decision I have made since then, I guess like a petulant child, was that "I'm not gonna let them win!" Yes, we are survivors. Everything they did - & we are still here!

I imagine us, side by side, together.

mmMekitty

Living57 · ‎01-02-2023

Two nights ago I had an horrific nightmare which has left me shaken and unable to get decent sleep.

I dreamt I was watching myself go through an assault that happened just over 3 years ago, but just before the end of the assault I was reliving it, no longer watching, and I fought back, something I didn't do at the time. I didn't win the fight, he had a weapon, and then again I was watching myself, and I was attacked and getting weak and couldn't move. I was scared and felt the emotions of myself as I was lay there.

I started screaming, not sure if it was me injured or me watching, but I screamed myself awake and then felt like someone was in my house..

Since this happened I have felt very strange, extremely exhausted and tired, the smallest thing tires me out. I am having hallucinations in as much as I feel there are people in the house and I see shadows that I logically know aren't there, but I see them all the same and it frightens me. I am unable to sleep properly, I'm scared of having another nightmare like this. Its scared me so deeply I sleep with a large knife under my pillow. I feel as if I'm going to break completely. This has triggered me and I'm trying to cling to what bit of normality I have, but I'm tiring and don't know what to do. How the hell does somebody flick the switch to make it all go away. Exhaustion is killing me.