Im not really sure what to write so I'll just start by telling a bit about myself.
I'm 24 and am 12 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child. I was diagnosed with PTSD during my 1st pregnancy in 2013.
I believe my ptsd stems from the extreme physical abuse that I was exposed to as a child. I was also raped by a group of drunk men in 2010. I was 17, I quit my job and started using hard drugs. I was so afraid i couldn't even leave my house without a knife in my bag. I became very violent.
Ive been clean for around 3yrs. I havent been in a fight for about the same length of time And I haven't had a drink for 8 mnths, which is HUGE for me
last night was the first time I was aware that I was actually having flashbacks due to PTSD. It was weird, my partner and I went to the local pub to watch Danny green vs Anthony mundine, my father is an aboriginal man and I'm not sure but mundines footwork reminded me so much of my dad, and then just all the drunk men everywhere yelling, my partner was drunk and nearly got in a fight twice and by the time I got home I felt like I was having a breakdown. i couldnt open my eyes. I didn't recognize my partners voice unless I was looking at him. I didn't feel like I was in the present, or even on this planet. I Specifically could visualize one time when I was about 5 and my dad got into a bar fight and a glass got shattered over my head, I remember crying alone in the bathroom picking glass out of my hair. But it just all felt like it had just happened or something?
I couldn't stop shaking, i couldnt breathe. I was afraid to go to sleep. And once I did finally go to sleep I woke up twice during the night crying in my sleep (although this happens often)
I had to keep reminding myself of the present. Of my son asleep in his bed, of my dog, my partner, our home. It worked and I would strongly suggest this mindfulness method anyone in an anxiety attack!
I'm really struggling today. I still feel really traumatized. Im feeling depressed and guilty. my partner doesn't really understand, im afraid he's going to leave me. I actually thought he was going to hurt me last night. I think its affecting our relationship.
I don't mean to drag on so much, I just needed to get that off my chest in a non judgmental environment.
Thank you all and best wishes to all of you in your own journeys
❤️
