Good to meet you, Jason.
Kudos to you for your interest in watching different aspects of mental illness through other sufferer's eyes. It can often helps bring insight into our own issues.
Reading your post, what I found disquieting is the uncertainty about your diagnosis. Wouldn't it be easier to deal with something if you knew exactly what it is ?
My own life has been a long series of traumas. The result ? PTSD, depression, anxiety and dissociation. Many years later, I consider myself mostly healed, scarred but functional. I went medication free and without formal professional therapy. My belief is that -unless genetic- the unconsciously created self (by past experiences and our responses) can be consciously reconfigured.
BUT my own line of studies + ruthless mentoring by professional friends (no ongoing therapy) has played a significant part in recovery.
The mind is a complicated maze at the best of times. It is supposed to be ours when in reality it runs our life in a despotic way. We are its puppets. When brain mechanism (on which the mind depends) is thrown out of whack by trauma, everything becomes more confused. Control is lost, we wander in the labyrinth forever, bumping against dead ends, never finding the way out. Having a guide (or at least some sort of map) can be a valuable asset.
As you know, self-medication with alcohol or drugs doesn't resolve anything. It only contributes to complicating an already complex situation. A good place to start. I'd suggest it as a difficult but necessary first step.
In the West, we are never told that the mind can actually be trained and controlled. No wonder it runs amok on us, dragging us in all sorts of directions where we don't want to go. A lifetime of running unreined makes it difficult to reclaim some measure of control. Mindfulness is what keeps us in the here and now. Like any seldom/never used muscle, it takes consistent, patient practice. (Checked out Smiling Mind ?)
But it is possible. I'd suggest you get a proper professional diagnosis, even if you are anti-therapy. There is no knowing where to go next if unsure where you are to start with. It may help you figure what would be the best approach for you.
Those of course are only suggestions, options for you to consider. I have read in other threads that you don't care much for therapy and have little time for therapists. It is true it may take several attempts to find someone you can trust and work with.
Kindest thoughts.
