I witnessed a murder

[Kbet]

I witnessed at murder when I was 16 years old. It was a brutal murder and I was a friend of the person who commited the murder and also friends with the victim. I have never forgotten that day, it constantly plays in my mind on a constant loop. I found it hard to sleep before this happened due to another trauma and after this happened I found it nearly impossible to sleep. I am plagued with nightmares and often I will stay awake until I am totally knackered and then go to sleep. I am still woken up 4-5 times a night with nightmares and a racing heart. It takes me ages to go back to sleep everytime and I feel like my body and mind are on constant autopilot. 23 years of no sleep is catching up with me.

I get up for work at 5am and usually dont go to sleep until after midnight and have been doing this since I started my job 10 years ago. Now I am getting older I consistently feel exhausted.. I cant take sleeping pills because I am worried something bad will happen to me in my sleep ( from a past trauma). I am trying to meditate but its so hard for me to relax or even sit still. I feel like im always looking over my shoulder and now because of my exhaustion I find that my mind and body has had enough. I have been fighting for my right to some semblance of normalcy for 35 of my 40 years and I dont think I will ever be able to find it. I dont even know what life without fear is like. Please if anyone has any ideas to help they would be greatly appreciated.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this and sharing my journey through life. 

Kbet

[Kbet]

Hi Neil,

Well we kind of sound like we have very similar interests that's for sure. Yes the Iceman collection is something that I am looking at purchasing now. A couple of books have been written on him I just recently found out. I have only read "The Iceman, Confessions of a Mafia Contract Killer," by Philip Carlo. There is another one entitled "The Iceman, The True Story of a Cold-Blooded Killer," by Anthony Bruno, I haven't read this one yet but I am looking to purchase it on kindle soon.

I have seen the movie but it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. I was a little disappointed in the way they portrayed him. Even though he was a somewhat uneducated man, the way he fooled so many people for so many years proved to me the underlying brilliance of his mind as a serial killer and the potential of that mind had it been nurtured and supported as it should of been. He definitely was a victim of circumstance that is for sure. The Documentaries are out on DVD in a 3 cd pack. I am looking at getting these for my collection. I have them recorded on my foxtel atm.

I did watch Dexter for the first season maybe. I absolutely loved it!! I lost track after the first season so haven't watched any since because I want to watch it from the start again. I will have to get myself the DVD collection. I haven't seen "The Fall" so I googled it haha ... It looks really interesting and definitely something I would watch so I might have to buy it on dvd also, I really appreciate the suggestion so thank you.

No the psychologist didn't go well, I haven't spoken to my husband about how much it really did effect me but I will definitely take your council under advisement and see if I may be able to broach the subject after Christmas sometime. I just hope that he doesn't take it too personally, or maybe I shouldn't even care if he does because this is really not about him its about me. Everything is always about him and the kids and it just makes me so mad that my feelings are never really thought of.

How is everything going with you? How's the pain and injury management going? I hope the kids are helping with keeping you motivated in your healing process so you can get back on track with your fitness and general health. It can definitely be a contributor to those low moments in our life cant it? I hope you are well anyway and taking care of yourself. Thank you for all your encouraging words.

Take Care

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

I really hope that you are able to talk with your husband.  This issue is so important and I hope that he does see that this is the case.  I'm really sorry for how that appointment went.  Please try and not be too discouraged from that.

There's other avenues for opportunities to try to move forward - I think the key here is to not give up hope and to know that there's other things that you can put into place to help you.  Please know that if you're stuck at all, come here and write;  and if I can't be of help, I'm sure there'll be others who may have other ideas as well.  This is the key thing for you to know.

Hey, I didn't know about another book about Richard Kuklinski - definitely had an evil mind and hardly any emotions linked with him.  I guess if you had a parenting the way he had as a young kid, it could really make you to be an emotionless person as an adult - but as for serial killer;  well, that's the stuff that books are made of, I guess.

Yes yes, The Fall is good.  Hope you can get a hold of it.

For Christmas yesterday, I was given the first season of Breaking Bad.  I'd only heard small reports about it from others in that, how good it is.  I'm half way through the first season and am loving it.  It's a really excellent show.

Hope that your Christmas was an ok one ... mine was really nice.  Just the four of us and then later, our son's girlfriend came over and we played some Mario Kart last night - always good fun.  So it was quiet and a nice relaxing day.

Still have a shoulder issue;  but now it's my "other" shoulder.  Talk about sharing the pain around.  Oh well, I guess that's what happens when we age - our parts start not wanting to play anymore.

Kind regards

Neil

[A_Tech]

Hi Kbet,

I just read your post and the first thing that came to my mind was, thank god! someone who knows what I'm feeling! I'm so sorry for saying that. 

I didn't witness this murder, but I may as well have. I have that same image on constant loop in my head too. Two and a half years ago my brother murdered someone (we've always been so close that we finish sentences, know when something is wrong with the other, and have ALWAYS been mistaken as twins!). 

I knew something was wrong, I tried to call but his phone was off. That night I saw the news coverage and I just knew in my heart he did it, not for any particular reason. When my husband came to tell me at work the next day, I basically told him first. 

This obviously distroyed our entire family (parents/siblings), but I stood by him. How could I not? I'm still torn at the love I have for him and the despair for the victims family. I received copies of all the police and forensic paperwork and basically became part of his legal team.

But none of that prepared me fully for court!!!! Listening to testimonies, especially his, has changed me forever. I spiralled out of control, alcohol, drugs, suicide attempts. I even kept going back to the place where it happened, I don't know why. I had to resign from my job due to bullying over this, no one wants anything to do with you if your the sister of a murder!

I was diagnosed a year ago with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression, what a shock right? Even two years later I still see her face when I close my eyes at night. I hope that one day that will stop.

I feel guilty ALL THE TIME for anything good or happy in my life, because MY brother took that away from her! 

I apologise for dumping that on you, it's been rough over Christmas trying to stay happy when I'm defiantly on a downslide again. I just miss him so much. Everyone forgets after a while, except for us, the OTHER VICTIMS!!!!!

Sorry again, but thanks xx

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[Neil_1]

Dear A Tech

Have seen your name around the traps on this site for a fair while now, but I don’t think I’ve written to you, until now – though my memory ain’t that flash, so don’t hold me to that.

I can’t imagine the issues, the pain, the torture that you’ve had to endure due to what your brother did – but can get a bit of a feel for it through your post.

Your comment about how many people forget, except for the victims and it’d be interesting to see how many people think about the “other victims” – those of the family of the person who committed the crime.  You suffer from the exact same three things that I deal with on a daily basis as well – and yep, it ain’t much fun – day in, day out.   Along with your diagnosis, I’m guessing that you’d be on some kind of medication(s)?  And hand in hand with that, I wonder if you’re still seeking out counselling to try and lessen the effects of these symptoms for you.

Hope to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Kbet]

Hi A Tech,

Sorry I have taken so long to respond, but I, like you had a rough Christmas and New Year period. I can honestly say that I wish I didn't know how you feel but I do. I am sorry for your struggles. It is hard to deal with both missing your brother and trying to come to terms with what he has done.. There are so many emotions you have work through and also try to continue your life as normally as possible.

I commend you on your loyalty to your brother and being their when he needed you. Sometimes things happen that aren't in our control and it is painful and damaging but we have to continue with our lives. "Revisiting the place where it happened" I see going there as you trying to make sense of why it happened in your mind and come to terms with the emotions you are feeling. I often replay things over and over in my mind and find it very difficult to switch it off. I know that it is dangerous to keep thinking things that I know will trigger me to fall into a depressive state but I have no other way of processing my feelings about what happened.

I have just recently been diagnosed with PTSD and I have depression and anxiety as well. It is a web of emotions that can be hard to deal with but with guidance and help from professionals you will survive and move on with your life with some semblance of normalcy. Substance abuse can be an easy answer to hurt and pain but it isn't a lasting treatment for the emotions you are feeling. Know in yourself that you did not commit this crime, know that you didn't hurt anyone, know that you love your brother and that is ok, know that you can enjoy life without guilt because it isn't your guilt to bare, know that you deserve to be happy because your a good person who loves her family and who has experienced just as much loss as the family of the victim. You lost a brother that day, just as they lost someone. You will never forget what happened but treat yourself a little kinder and understand that YOUR life is not based on the actions of others. From what I have read you sound like an amazing sister with a loyalty and love for her family.

Sending all my good wishes to you. If you need to chat to me I am here.

 Kind Regards

Kbet

[BlueEyesGirl]

Dear Kbet,

I have had a very similar experience and find great comfort in reading your story. Only you and anyone that's been in a similar horrific life event will understand this. I searched what I had experienced and your story came up. I can only suggest what may offer you relief and or release. My partner was murdered in front of me in a gruesome manner. I understand the fear, anxiety and suffering this brings. Its been 4 years since the event and I waver from happiness and back to anxiety bouts and depression. To move forward I always think that this does not define me. I'm better than this person but have had to face the reality of the events. If you want to talk further just ask.