I witnessed a murder

[Kbet]

I witnessed at murder when I was 16 years old. It was a brutal murder and I was a friend of the person who commited the murder and also friends with the victim. I have never forgotten that day, it constantly plays in my mind on a constant loop. I found it hard to sleep before this happened due to another trauma and after this happened I found it nearly impossible to sleep. I am plagued with nightmares and often I will stay awake until I am totally knackered and then go to sleep. I am still woken up 4-5 times a night with nightmares and a racing heart. It takes me ages to go back to sleep everytime and I feel like my body and mind are on constant autopilot. 23 years of no sleep is catching up with me.

I get up for work at 5am and usually dont go to sleep until after midnight and have been doing this since I started my job 10 years ago. Now I am getting older I consistently feel exhausted.. I cant take sleeping pills because I am worried something bad will happen to me in my sleep ( from a past trauma). I am trying to meditate but its so hard for me to relax or even sit still. I feel like im always looking over my shoulder and now because of my exhaustion I find that my mind and body has had enough. I have been fighting for my right to some semblance of normalcy for 35 of my 40 years and I dont think I will ever be able to find it. I dont even know what life without fear is like. Please if anyone has any ideas to help they would be greatly appreciated.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this and sharing my journey through life. 

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

It’s my pleasure to be able to share thoughts and suggestions with you – and it’s even more incredible that you have found them helpful.  When we think so lowly of ourselves, it really does come as a surprise and a really wonderful thing to hear that we may have in fact, been helpful to someone else;  so I really treasured your comments back to me.

I believe this is a new road that you’re about to embark on – with some good professional help behind (or beside) you.  To be able to share with these people and for them to be able to hopefully provide you with helpful and useful suggestions for the traumas that you’ve been through.

But you know from all of this, it is all very positive from what I’m reading from you.  First of all, by you coming here and to unload a little, which I know from being here for a number of years now, that people do find it to be a little therapeutic in being able to type down issues, etc on here.  Stemming from that, well, it then becomes like a bit of a snowball – a snowball of goodness, where you pick up along the way other people’s points of view from experiences lived, suggestions, advice and a general sense of support and understanding.

Extending on from that is the positive moves you’ve made to be seeking out professional help.

The thing to acknowledge though, as you know, your issues are numerable (is there such a word as that?) and so it’s a matter of tiny steps forward and to be aware that these issues are not going to be knocked down and put to bed in the click of a couple of fingers.  It’ll take time to just chip away at the bad – that’s important to be aware not to expect big wins immediately.  But the big thing is to keep working at it and to enjoy the little goals achieved along the way.

I had a series of dreams on Saturday night that when I woke on Sunday morning, I was exhausted – and yes, I know the feeling about how you could set up a possible movie with things that happen in my dreams.  It’s so bizarre and they are so vivid and real.  Then you wake up and you feel thankful that it was a dream.   Certainly something to mention to your psych in an upcoming appointment I think.

Neil

[Kbet]

Hi geoff,

Thanks for you advice and letting me know that you are there for me if I need it. I take comfort in the fact that I have a group of people I can converse with who have actually experienced or continue to experience the same struggles I face and they have managed to move forward with the help of others and through proper treatment.

I hope this day find you well

Kbet

[Kbet]

Dear Neil,

Thankyou for you message and as always it has been a pleasure to speak with you about what has been going on and effectively using the advice given to me and trying to move forward in my realm of reality. I know that sometimes I can be abrupt with people and a bit overly critical and I don't know if this is because of my own personality or a symptoms of the fact that I hardly sleep.

I am sorry to hear of you also having bad dreams . I hate when they play like a series in your mind. Sometimes I just want to yell out to my brain to turn it off(like a really bad TV show). Its not much fun that's for sure. I have to take my husband with me this week to the psychologist because apparently my home life needs to be as peaceful as possible before we start to deal with the trauma. I have no idea what that means but I do know it will be difficult for me. I'm scared that she is going to upset him or tell him off and I am going to get into trouble when I get home.  

I really love reading, writing, drawing and anything that keeps me locked up inside my house. I don't go out much so anything that can take me away from the four walls is gold to me. I feel like I am the one who is always complaining. Please if there is anything you may need to talk about know that I am here to listen.

I hope today finds you well.

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

First and foremost, you ended with saying, you feel like you’re always complaining.  I’m here to say that “No, you are not complaining”.  Not at all.  You’re simply telling me how things are … how it is.  Sharing and unloading and being up front and honest.  So please don’t be thinking like that anymore – cause that’s not what this site is about.  It’s about being able to unload, to vent, to share, to talk (or in our case, type) and to get things off the chest.

The thing with dreams though (well for me) is that I can never predict what they’re going to be – and then when I try to list down the following day or to at least think back about what dreams I had, it can be often over 6 of them and with no real background kind of thing.  And in them, there can be a huge variation of people – but a lot of mine revolve around my home where I grew up for 19 years.  Well, actually I lived for 19 years – growing up could be widely argued about people who know me.  🙂  🙂

With regard to the upcoming appointment, I would think that your psych will be extremely careful when broaching this subject with your husband.   Hopefully it will be more of a session that will outline how things are for you at the moment and by being able to create as peaceful a home environment as possible will be of huge benefit for you in being able to commence the process of addressing your traumas.  By having him there it will let him know that he is important in this process as well as he will learn how much this is needed for you.  It will hopefully come across as nothing but positives to be gained from this.

I’m a bit of a book person as well – I’ve read all the Lee Child series of books, have read lots of Jeffrey Archer books – I particularly like the Harry Clifton series that he’s writing.  I’m currently into a fantasy world of dragons – well not lots of them – the series of books, the first one was called Eragon.  The 2nd one was Brsinger (or something similar to that) and the 3rd one I’m nearing the end is Eldest.  

What kinds of reading do you enjoy?  With your writing, I’ve responded to that in your other thread, but I’ve gotta say, I like the sound of what you’re doing.

Whoops, another lengthy one from me – sorry about that.  🙂  🙂

Neil

[Kbet]

Dear Neil,

Hope you are feeling well today. Thankyou for your kind words I appreciate it. I know I shouldn't feel like I am complaining but I guess whenever I have spoken about my problems to family member I am always told to stop complaining and get over it. I guess it has sunk into my subconscious psyche so much that every time I say what I am feeling I am complaining. It is something else I will have to teach my mind as I start to head into my journey.

I am guessing you didn't have a good time in that house or that in all these dreams the house is the focal point for a reason? The differing characters I understand as the people drifting into and out of our lives. I can relate to that in some ways. One of my dreams(nightmares), which I have regularly, is about my children. They are the most important people in my world to me and the nightmare is a brutal scene that I cant even begin to describe to you. I hear them screaming in my sleep so often I have become accustomed to it. I find this is why I can't close my eyes at night time and sleep.

I hope it goes well at the psychologists. She did promise me that she was going to be as no confronting as possible and speak to him and just let him know what needs to happen to make my life a little more comfortable at home so I can be more well equipped to deal with the multitude of hurt/pain/trauma/suffering I am facing. I will keep you posted on what happens anyway. My appointment is this Thursday.

I have read a few of the books you have listed and found them quite good reads myself. I have a wide selection of authors which I like to read and I will read just about anything. J.R.R Tolkien- Lord of the Rings/Hobbit, J.K. Rowling- Harry Potter, Homer's Iliad, James Redfield-Celestine Prophecy Series, Orson Scott Card- Enders Game Series, Stephen King- The Green Mile and a few others, Quinn Loftis - The Grey Wolves Series and a few others. I don't think I have limited myself to any author in particular but I will read anything anyone recommends to me and continue from there. If I like their style of writing I will read all they have written, even if it is bad so I can make an informed decision about whether I want to purchase the paperback. I buy most of my books on Kindle so I can see if they are worth investing in.

I hope today finds you well Neil. Please take care of yourself and I hope to chat to you soon.

Keep smiling 🙂

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

Hey, thanx so much for sharing those books/authors with me.  I might do some research, investigation into them;  some sound quite interesting.  I’m also reading Brisinger right now and not Eldest – as Eldest was the 2nd book in the series.

I’m really pleased that you’re able to come here and write down exactly whatever you feel you’d like to.  But I do hear you with regard to having heard certain things over and over, they do get stuck in our psyche;  but this is your new beginning, your new journey and I hope you will be able to pick up positives all over the place as you progress forward.

As I mentioned before, even if sometimes you might experience a set-back, please don’t worry – because the overall goal is set down for path/journey in the right direction, so look upon any set-back, as a slight stumble, as you move forward.

Actually I had a really good childhood and growing up – 19 years on a farm and it was all pretty good.  No real complaints at all, so makes me think that my subconscious is just taking me back to somewhere that I felt good about – and also knowing that it’s no longer available as it’s been sold.

That is awful to hear of your nightmares – horrible to hear that your children would be caught up in something so terrible.  I sure hope that during this journey of yours forward, there’ll be someone who might be able to address this kind of thing with you and to hopefully get them to happen less and less for you.

I have fingers crossed (after I finish typing of course … makes it very hard to type with crossed fingers!) that your appointment is a positive and helpful one tomorrow – for all concerned.

Kind regards

Neil

[Kbet]

Neil,

As always you are the light in a day of darkness and I thank you for that. These are just some of my favourites. Let me know which ones you like and I will recommend more of the same genre. I have nearly 2000 books on my kindle and about 100 in my personal library at home. I just love the written word so much. I struggle with talking to people so writing things down really helps me encapsulate how I think and feel on such a different level.

I am glad to hear you had an amazing childhood. I am from a family of farmers myself. I used to always question my mum on what it was like to live on a farm and I always feel at peace in the country. There is just something so simple, serene and uncomplicated about being on a farm. I am glad your subconscious is reminding you that life can be a good thing and when you are awake you have those dreams in your mind to help you deal with the daily struggles we face with mental illness.

Well the appointment is tonight. I am tired atm so I don't know how its going to go. I also feel very confrontational and angry with the reasons why. What did I do to deserve being treated this way and why is life like this for me? I cant think of a time where I've had some peace from pain and trauma. I don't even know what that is like. I get these episodes where I am feel exuberantly happy, talk really fast and just basically  running around like a kid and I cant sit still. My family don't know how to react when I am like this because its not usually who I am. I have no idea why I am like it and it sometimes can last for a few days. I don't care what I say, who I say it too or how my actions seem to other people. Its all so confusing. A month or so ago I wanted to leave so badly I thought of emptying my bank account and flying to another part of the world to go shopping and have some fun. I have thought about quitting my job too and handing my kids over to there dads so I don't have to be responsible anymore. Then sometimes I wont even let my 15 and 14 year old go outside because I am scared they are going to die. Its just so strange to be me.

Please take care of you Neil. I am sorry I think I am having a very weird day today and I don't know if anything I have said here makes any sense.

Keep smiling Mr "Young at Heart" man and have a great day.

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

Wowee, that’s some library of books – mega.  It’s great though isn’t it – you find some good books and you can really lose yourself for a while.  Plus they’re so handy to have for locations like a ride on a bus, waiting at the Doc’s and so many more, but I’ll shut up on that for now.  But yeah, it’s great stuff.  

As mentioned I really like those Jack Reacher books – so things with lots of action in them;  I’m really enjoying the Eragon books, and have now just commenced the last one, Inheritance.   Also read The Great Dragon Zoo of China, which was an excellent read also.

Another book that I’ve read about 3 times is the story of a serial killer from the mafia, The Iceman;  I just found that so enthralling for how he did it and got away with it for so many years.

Yes, those memories of the farm are wonderful, but alas, that’s all we have now.  Even my kids still remember times from when they were little when they’d ride around in the ute and go through the different paddocks, etc.  And I know exactly what you mean by saying that you feel at peace in the country.  It’s just a different lifestyle – more tranquil, relaxed and as you say, uncomplicated.

I really hope your appointment went well for you … and that this was another positive step towards this new journey.

You sure do have a fair bit racing around in your mind – and I thought it was excellent that you were able to write it down, or at least parts of it.  At times I do worry about my daughter as well, when she goes off on a walk with our dog.  But she’s very switched on etc, but still yes, those thoughts are not yours alone.   It’s funny isn’t it … when someone says something that’s weird and I respond with, “Well you oughta live 24/7 inside my head!”.

And dear Kbet, no need to ever be sorry on this site – you write it as you see it and how you feel, and that’s the beautiful thing about this place – you write something and that’s awesome – a little bit of opening up and maybe sometimes, someone will be able to proffer something to say in response, and yet other times not.  But at the end of the day, we’ve been able to unload, or just write and to get things down on a screen can be helpful in a therapeutic kind of way.

Kind regards

Neil

[Kbet]

Dear Neil,

Yes the library is extensive and a real escape route when I just feel like getting lost somewhere. The Iceman is an amazing book. I have read that a number of times. I have a fascination with crimes/crime shows. I have watch the documentaries done on Richard Kulklinski a few times also and I was fascinated with his thought process and lack of remorse or regret.

My appointment was a disaster. I felt like a lab experiment with two people making judgements on how messed up my brain is. My husband kept interjecting with how dysfunctional I am and talking about himself all the time which made me feel really inadequate and overwhelmed. I even told my psychologist that I didn't know whether I would be back for the next appointment. She even asked me if I was ok to drive I was that shaken up. It definitely wasn't a good appointment and when my husband asked me about it later I refused to talk about it. I felt very victimised, upset and angry.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I have really cherished hearing from you and how you are going. Please take care of yourself and keep smiling as well as you can.

Kind Regards

Kbet

[Neil_1]

Dear Kbet

Oh boy – this post is going to be a two-toned one;  firstly about the Iceman, cause for some reason it really fascinated me also;  plus I’ve got another one to mention as well.   Secondly it’s going to be more serious and relevant to you and your um, unfortunate appointment.

Wow, I kind of mentioned it kind of off the cuff cause you know, when you mention things about serial killers, etc one might get the wrong impression, but to hear what you’ve said, it’s exactly the same as me.  Have read the book at least 3 times.  Have seen the HBO documentaries of him – I think there were three different ones and I have them taped.  And there is also a movie out – I think it came out last year.

Also, not sure if you’ve seen the series “The Fall”, but I’ve just finished watching both the first two seasons and holy, it’s one helluva story as well.  Apparently Season Three is set to commence sometime in early 2016.

I’m also a massive fan of Dexter.  Have all the books, though they don’t follow the TV series one bit – and have all series of it on DVD also.  Huge fan.

I am so sorry to hear how the appointment went – with how we spoke about it leading up to it, it probably couldn’t have gone more differently (and wrong) for you.  I’m really surprised that neither your psych or your husband picked up how it was all affecting you – especially your psych who is trained to be able to see the emotions changing within a person.  Considering she was able to tell how upset and affected you were by asking if you were ok to drive afterwards.

I really think that some words you wrote are some to be told to your husband.  “Dear hubby (or insert his name), you remember that appointment we had the other day.  Do you think it went well for me?  After all, it was designed to be with one purpose – to help me.  For how I felt about it?  I felt I had basically no say and was made to feel inadequate and just a whole feeling of being completely overwhelmed.   I came away feeling victimised, upset and very angry.”

That’s just a thought for what you could potentially say – though you may have done this already.

As much as possible, try not to let this appointment get to you (yeah, real easy to say Neil – try being in my shoes) and I agree with that as well.  Ok, this was a bump in the road – the road to a better future is still there and available.  We just have to try again.

Keep writing.

Neil