I do believe that I was in a very Manipulative Narcissistic Relationship

[Sadgina]

Someone told me about Beyondblue, so I joined in today, as I think I really needed help even just to talk to someone, in regard of what I’m going through now. I was living with my man for more than 5 years and I realised and do believe that he’s suffered with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I know I can’t diagnose someone with such an illness without professional test, but after with him in a period of time he has all the symptoms known to man. Five years ago our relationship starts so amazing and wonderful, and I even thought I’d meet my soulmate. He’ll do anything & everything for me, very protective, very thoughtful, sending dozens roses to work. After 6 months things had changed showing the red flags he has the control of everything from the food shopping, the food we eat, all of our financials we have joint account, he’ll decide what clothes I wear, which friends I can see. My son (not his son) moved out as my partner has an OCD problem, and he use it as his ticket just to nagged us and told us how dirty we were. In the last couple years situations gotten worsts it’s gone from south to north. He became very verbally abusive, put me down, nagger, call me names, counting everything he does, and me not doing anything. I feel like walking on eggshells, there’s a time when I sat down in sofa after work, I have to get up quickly pretend I’m doing something when he arrive home. Because he’ll get up me for sitting in the lounge and not doing anything. There’s a time that we had screaming match and he’d told me that he wishes me to die and rot somewhere. I haven’t told any of my family members about this as I was so embarrassed. I’d hang on to this relationship because we bought a property together with my only deposit in it in the beginning of the relationship. He’d manipulate me to change job from good paying nurse to poorly paid labourer Now I moved out as our relationship becomes so intense, toxic and violent he keeps knives under bed,pillow spare gun in the bedroom, also I found a hidden camera in my room. I don’t trust him anymore, I felt so violated I don’t know what to do as he wanted me to go back. If not he’ll make the sale of the property so difficult.I love him with all of me. Now he’s angry, makes me feel guilty for leaving him & not talking to me. I feel so bad and worried about him, I’m so confused, Please anyone can help me think through as I’m very confused not coping well. I want to moved on but it’s so hard.

Thanks Beyondblue,

Sadgina

[geoff]

Hello Sadgina, I've read both your comments which are pretty much the same, except to say that your partner has OCD as well as NPD a complicated combination, perhaps he could OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder), that's not for me to decide on as I'm not qualified and he would need a psychologist or psychiatrist to diagnose him .

Please don't be embarrassed, I've had OCD for a long time.

You can still love him but you can't live with him, that's how I feel with my ex, love doesn't mean you have to be with him and what I would be doing is contact a solicitor saying that you may or may not want to sell your share of the property you jointly own.

To make you change jobs from a nurse to a labourer wasn't by your decision and certainly not what you wanted.

All of his control over you is a bit too much, you don't have the freedom you want, and might be a reason why your son moved out.

Can I suggest that you go and see your doctor and secondly if you want to move out, then have everything planned where you are going, perhaps change the sim card in your mobile and only tell the people you trust and who won't let him know.

You could visit Anglicare, they have places available for situations like this, and places have furniture already in, so you won't have to worry about that, they certainly won't tell anyone where you are, except for your son and maybe another person/friend.

Please let me know what you think.

Geoff.

[Sadgina]

Ho Geoff's,

Appreciated your advised, yes I've already moved out, lived with my sister and hubby. They're great support for me. I thank god i have the support that I needed, but in saying that I'm still looking for an advise from someone not related to me as relations advise are always have a negative in put to my partner, as they see him as a bad person. I still do feel sorry and guilty for leaving my partner instead of helping him. That is hurting me the most I am battling with the guilt badly.

Every time I get anxious I feel like seeing a doctor and ask for suitable meds, but I talk myself out to it.

It does works for in the past.

Thanks again Geoff for an advise.

[Birdy77]

Dear Sadgina,

Hello again 😊 I'm glad you made a fresh thread.

I am hoping that others will come in to give you advice and support around this very distressing situation of yours.

I am extremely concerned for your safety Sadgina ... this man has taken over control of your life, and if he has weapons in the house, and a hidden camera in your room?! This is serious.

Can you please have a look online at 1800RESPECT , or ting that number and talk to someone there? Your living situation with him is dangerous.

I am glad you have moved out, but you want to console him and make him feel better, because he has abused you Sadgina, and you feel guilty for standing up for yourself.

You said to Geoff that your relatives don't give you an objective opinion because they don't like him ... I think they don't like him for very good reasons: he treats you very badly Sadgina.

Please, do not go back to him. I am concerned for your safety if you do.

How do you feel about looking up 1800RESPECT?

Will you get back to us please?

A concerned,

🌻birdy

[Ggrand]

Hello Sadgina,

Ive been listening to you talk and have been triggered by reading your post, but I really need to try to let you know a few things....What you are going through I went through for 38 years, my husband controlled me, everything about me, my clothes, my hair, shoes, weight, food, sex, friends I had none I wasn't allowed to, absolutely everything, and if I even raised my voice slightly, or looked him in the eyes,...I ended up unable to leave the house for a few weeks due to having to hide until I recovered properly without any signs...

I left him 3 times, and I felt like you do, so very guilty because he needed me, ashamed because he fed me, clothed me, etc...I went back, silly me I went back 3 times...The last time i went back..well a few days after I was a broken person , I didn't care anymore what happened to me, I just accepted my life was what it was and that I have been a very bad person and deserved everything..

He died 5 years ago earlier this month, and to this day I feel so much guilt that he died and not me...He still has a stronghold over me and it's been 5 years...I have no self esteem, I have days that I cry non stop with the memories, self hate is a regular feeling, triggers down me constantly...I am struggling so much with doing the very basic things at time...I am having counciling and am on meds..

Sadgina...I think your family knows who he is and what he's capable of doing ...please listen to them, there your family and they love you....Narcissistic groom us to think they are right and everyone else is against them... Please think very hard about what your going to do...Please do not go back to him...I don't ever tell people what to do but I went through hell and still am 5 years after..I honestly don't want anyone to go through what I did.......

There is help out their for you, please Sadgina, seek out the help that's available for you and accept it..

Grandy....

[Sadgina]

Hi Birdy77,

Once again thank you so much for your support, I get what you saying. What I am worried about is he might harm himself, I know he treated me badly but he’s not well also.

And this is what I’m battling on. Guilty for leaving him when he needed my help. His son lives with him in our house but he’s not home all the time. He don’t have much friends to talk to.

I popped into our house this afternoon, I don’t even know why? But I couldn’t get in as he changed all the locks, then I find out that he went overseas left this morning, don’t know where’s? he didn’t say anything to me. Some days I’m pleased with myself when I’m in control, but there’s time I hated myself because I’m so weak and feeling hopeless.

Yes I’ll take your advice on board

Sadgina

I just want all my guilt go away, and not to worry about him.

[Sadgina]

Hi Grandy,

Sorry to hear about your story, I hope you well, and coping much better now days. Reading through your story made me realised that how bad my situation is. I’d thought leaving him will teach him a lessons and I’m hoping that things will change for better. What I gathered with your experience is they seems get worst? Why?

My partner already destroyed me emotionally, he said the worst things to me that now I would not look myself in the mirror without hating myself. Mind you he’d only physically abused me 3 times, but I guess 3 times too many. I should of left him then, but I thought that was my fault, that’s why I had my lips splits open & etc. Not only that the names he calls me is so hurtful its killing me. The way he puts me down is just disgustful.

I can’t understand why I still love him, and still wanted to get back to him.

Your story gives me the courage to stay strong and hopefully to gain more self respect which I don’t have anymore.

Your story much appreciated. You take care Grandy, big hugs.

Sadgina

[Birdy77]

Dear Sadgina,

It is natural for you to feel guilt, because this toxic relationship has warped your sense of boundaries and wellbeing.

I understand you feel concerned that he may harm himself, but he is an adult and is responsible for his own behaviour. Although you naturally feel concerned, you are not responsible for him or his actions. You are responsible for you and taking care of you. You have abandoned yourself many years ago, and now it is time to take very gentle care of yourself.

The fact that he has up-and-left without telling you shows you who he is and what he thinks of the relationship, don't you think? I had a very similar experience of my own. I know it hurts a lot.

Looking at my own experiences, i think the guilt and responsibility you are feeling is a result of being in a codependent relationship with him ... have you done any reading around this?

Melody Beattie has some great and helpful resources on codependency that I think would support your resolve right now.

Melanie Tonia Evans has some helpful free articles and ebooks on her website if you are interested.

This will be a long road for you to rebuild yourself, but you can do it, and we will support you. I have rebuilt myself from being left a mere shell of a person. You can too.

Please keep talking to us.

Any time you feel like contacting him, you can come here instead, talk to us instead. He is toxic for you Sadgina.

🌻birdy

[Ggrand]

Hello Sadgina,

He is trying to make you feel guilty, If he has changed the locks and gone on holiday without you he does not care about you..He only pleases himself does what he wants to do and cares only for himself..

He will not hurt himself, he loves himself to much for him to do that, he wants you to think that he will hurt himself so you can go back to him and he will control your life again, worse because now he doesn’t trust you because you have left him once...believe me it gets worse the second time around.....You are free from now, please start to build up your self esteem, start to look after yourself..You have been so very brave to move away from him....I wasn’t brave enough..Be strong inside yourself Sadgina, Please...Start looking after yourself, You have a beautiful soul Sadgina, Please don’t let him destroy you...

Sadgina....3 times is 3 times to much....he won’t stop at 3 because he got away with it 3 times....

My husband destroyed me emotionally, hurt me physically but I still loved him and now miss him....However I did not like him.... It hard to understand, I can’t understand it either but my psych said that this is normal for people living with narcissistic people...,

As Birdy said it’s a long road to rebuild yourself, but you can do it and we will be here to help you along the way.....I am still trying to rebuild my life...We can do it together if you want to Sadgina...We can help each other on our journey to wellness....

There are few more threads here about narcissistic people ..top right hand corner of this page in the search box ..search narcissistic and a few threads will,pop up for you to read if you want to...

Please keep talking here Sadgina, when ever you feel to, we will stay with you and be here for you...Please stay strong.. You can do this and get your life back again...

Sending my love and big caring hugs 🤗..

Grandy...

[Sadgina]

Hi Birdy77

Yes I went passed our home last other night as I want to check on my cat and cat food is outside. As someone told me that he went overseas. I went passed again last night his son car is there but I didn’t stop. He still not answering my text nor emails. We’re in the middle of property settlement made an offer to him my lawyer said it’s a very generous offer, but I don’t he wants to take it. I think he left so he can make the property settlement and sale very difficult for me because with out his signature I cannot do nothing about the property. I just want to sorts of property and move on. But he won’t give up putting in hell.

So frustrated, sick and so low right now. I don’t feel like going to work but I have to. I feel like running out of energy about this. I’m so hurts. Everyday I woke up crying most of the day I’m Not working I stayed in my room. I just want this to go away.

By the way I booked for the live chat with Melanie Evans tonight at 6.

Feeling so hopeless

Sadgina