How much more can I take?

[I_wish_to_be_anonymous]

I’m a Firefighter with the CFA and I’ve only been in this role for a year now. I joined at the minimum age of 16 and it’s been a rewarding career that has had some severely dark sides to it. Since I’ve been in the CFA I have been to 45 vehicle accidents which 4 of those were fatalities, I’ve been to plenty of fires which some have had a good ending others haven’t and I’ve been to many jobs where people have taken their own life. At my age I have seen things that nobody should ever see. when I joined I thought that I would be much resistant to what I see.. I was wrong just about every night I either go to sleep shaking, or I’m restless in my sleep, sometimes I’m even violent in my sleep there’s been a few nights that I’ve accidentally harmed my girlfriend in my sleep and have hurt her to the point she doesn’t want to sleep next to me for a few days.. I hate it but I can’t help it, I have nights where I go to bed in tears and I’m feeling completely empty with the thought of just ending it all as my only option. One part of me just wants to die just so I can have a break from it all.. The other half of me reminds me of how that would impact my loved ones but that part of me gets weaker and weaker.. I don’t know how much more I can take and I’m reaching out for an answer right now because this is my last resort. I’m in tears as I write this because Ive always wanted to help people but by doing so I’m tearing myself apart.

[Sophie_M]

Hi I wish to be anonymous,

We are sorry to hear about everything you have been through but are glad that you have decided to reach out here. Please know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service are trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

The Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or Lifeline 13 11 14, are also great resources if you’d like to talk through these feelings.

Check back in and let us know how you’re going when you feel up to it.

[PamelaR]

Hi I wish to be anonymous and welcome to our community
I am sorry to hear about your circumstances. I'm pleased to hear the support service are trying to phone you.
It is clear you are hurting very much at the moment and it's awfully painful for you. You are not alone, there are quite a few of our members in similar situations. There is a thread PTSD for medical and first responders pinned to the top of our PTSD and trauma forum. When you are up to it, if you feel like it read and join the discussions. Or post more of your story here if you want. No pressure.
Kind regards
PamelaR

[therising]

Hi I wish to be anonymous

First, I just want to say what an incredibly special gift you are to this world; to come to the rescue of others during one of the worst events they will experience in their life requires a sensitive and caring nature. You really are such a gift in so many ways!

Wondering if there is anyone helping you through the post traumatic stress. Having someone who can help you make sense of why your brain's doing what it's doing is definitely a plus. The brain is truly a tricky and powerful thing with its networking and chemistry and the way it interacts with and controls the rest of our body. When put under pressure to perform, it will interact with our body in seriously complex ways. Occasionally, more complex situations can present symptoms. It's definitely best to manage them with some help, especially when some of the chemistry required to experience 'happiness' isn't at optimum levels.

I don't believe we can ever be fully prepared when it comes to what we will find within a particular traumatic event but we can be prepared to a degree for how our brain will most likely try to process such an event, with it seeking associations or existing networks (that may not actually exist). The brain may have no reference to help it make sense of a new/traumatic situation, which can leave us in a state of confusion and helplessness. There really does need to be so much more psychological support and education for folk in professions such as yours.

Iwtba, I believe on a soulful level we find our nature; the hero, the rescuer, the carer etc. On a whole other level we find a complex set of interactive systems (including brain and body) that keep us breathing, walking, talking, producing adrenaline and so on. You mention 'I’m in tears as I write this because Ive always wanted to help people but by doing so I’m tearing myself apart.' It's important you keep in mind that the mind/body/soul trinity require balance in order to work, otherwise they will feel like they are being torn apart. Your soul nature will never change whilst it waits for you to seek greater well-being for mind and body. We are complex creatures with so many amazing facets to us.

Take care and reach out for some much deserved help.