I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

I thought I replied oh well still on pain meds occasionally none yesterday and really only taking 2 a day

I am still here and trying and hopeful but not feeling like a conqueror maybe

im trying to buy a light weight moon boot so I can get in the pool and relax. Water is my happy place. I went to work Christmas party drank wine ate food and had a fantastic time. I have the best working relationships. I love them all. Everyone was loud and laughing and I sat and enjoyed. Got home so late and tipsy.
my world revolves around the broken foot and navigating around the house. Showers brushing hair and getting food and drinks. There’s a lot of planning and difficulty but it’s an opportunity to slow down. Rest and relax.
I already had mobility issues and a high level of pain and this is what contributed to me falling and breaking my foot. I’m keen to get back to gym I will in a couple of weeks. I’m getting exercise using crutches and it’s exhausting so that’s good. I’ve noticed my brain is a bit foggy. But I’m pacing myself taking time

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend and is thinking good thoughts.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Not just one day at a time, but one step, eh? All the moments don't have to be perfect to be okay. 😺

☮️❤️👩‍🚀❤️ 🐱‍🚀❤️

MMMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

Mobility is a right pain (did I say something funny?) and I hope you do get something suitable to wear in the pool, the buoyancy and (hopefully warmth) can make for a whole different world.

Wanting to help and not saying "No" is a difficult one, particularly if you are normally successful (from the recipient's point of view). I know I get two reactions, the glow of accomplishment, and the down-side of cost to my self.

I know you have mentioned you now have reached the stage of realizing each occasion rather than being on automatic, but still don't refuse a lot.

I guess it is not a black and white thing, with differing reactions in different situations, or with particular people. Easing into the "No" role has already taught you a lot, in particular about some 'friends', a real benefit.

Actually you are lucky if you have even a few that are genuine and can accept "No" and see why you say it. On a milder level I remember I've said "If I do xxx then I'll be wake all night worrying about it" . That explanation worked well. I'm not suggesting you use that phrase, but it may give you an idea of the amount of personal reason one can sometimes offer.

I"m very pleased you enjoyed the party, it would have been a great release after what you have been though.

I'm also am glad you sound hopeful about you new psych, I've heard of using cold water, actually I suspect any physical sensation may help, someone told me they put their forearm on a cold surface around a bus window and it helped to change the mental mode. It is comforting he is not inclined to rush into EMDR therapy wihtout thinking of its potential consequences.

Please don't worry about being a little foggy, wiht meds, pain and difficulties - plus the odd party:) - it's not not realy surprising .

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Not working from home today I’m in pain and I did too much on the weekend with work party and then bbq and overnight stay at husbands friends place. Got home Sunday and went straight to bed and I’m still in bed. Taking painkillers and sleeping and planning next trip to kitchen to make an thermos of hot drink. A friend is coming to visit later so I do need to get up but not yet. I will take more pills an hour before she arrives and get ready.
My emotions have been a lot more manageable not so much panic and anxiety. I still have an awareness of safety and I feel fear still but I’m not grieving like I was. I have more anger and disappointment. The negative thoughts are a little quieter. I’m still worried about all the trouble my sons in he’s probably going to jail and it’s the last thing I want. I don’t want anything to do with him and I’m glad he’s not in my life anymore but I just wish he hadn’t threatened us and behaved like he did. I now see that my wanting to compensate for his father’s neglect and abuse by helping him and protecting him was the wrong thing to do. I did not have it in me to let him suffer any further and I overcompensated. He figured out he just had to threaten self harm and I’d give him the world. It must be confusing for him and I know he has little self awareness and is adept at victim blaming it’s never his fault. We are all responsible for our own behaviour and he’s got a rage problem and if he doesn’t get proper help will suffer a lot.
Im putting more energy into my relationships and creating healthy environment. I have nice sweet people around me that I neglected because I was to busy trying to stop the rages and drama. I’m reconnecting with our grandchildren and they told me how they are feeling and how much they missed us.
Trying to be more cheerful generally.
Feeling grateful for what I do have and what I have achieved.
🥰

[mmMekitty]

Hello Mum Chris,

Great to hear from you.

I have often thought, how difficult it is to be a conscientious parent. I know I can't imagine how hard it has been for you, having not had any kids of my own, & only twice being with someone who did have their own, & in both cases, the parenting left very much to be desired. It was so painful to watch, & feel I couldn't do anything, even as I tried, to make things better for the children.

I'm sure, my own parents could have done quite a lot better, had they insight enough to realise the ways their own behaviours were effecting us.

In the end, the children, when adults, have to take on responsibility for their own actions, &if they need help to do that, they must seek help to learn how.

If he won't, then it's a sad decision you have to make. His needs are beyond anything you are able to help with anyway. Trying to help him has dragged you down every time, ritght?

*

Rest up, that foot of yours needs it, you need it, & deserve to take this time to care for yourself.

It's great to discover good friend, to reconnect with grandkids, & to feel their love for you.That's all wonderful. Don't let them tire you out, though.

How are you channelling your emotions, the anger, disappointment, fear, insecurity, vulnerablility, all of that? What's your safe outlet/s?

I'm glad to hear the emotions are not overwhelming like they were. That's gotta be something to feel good about. I find it easier to take them on alittle, question & reflect about why the feelings were so strong. It's kinda like talking to them, understanding & not fighting them like I did at first. I hated my emotions so much, I would have throttled them if that were possible, but that it seems, is another way of beating up on myself & not helpful.

So, be kind, listen to your feelings, acknowledg them, accept . Neither food nor bad, positive nor negative, just simply 'feelings'.

Make the next hot beverage some soup, eh? Pumpkin, tomato, chicken, whatever you like. Get something nutritious into you, okay.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty and Croix

I’m still hopping around very uncomfortably and struggling physically and super frustrated. Life’s physically tough and maybe that’s what reduced my mental anxiety and pain.
Tomorrows struggle is getting some food and presents sorted and I think I just have to let the presents go. I can’t do everything there are things that are priority.
I still have no capacity for complex procedures of the ability to handle one extra thing in my day. Drama with tv remote and I’m probably going to cry.
mmMekitty I hope your physical challenge is proceeding smoothly and with as little issues as possible.
Croix thank you for your words it’s been helpful.
Everyone’s posts are in some way helpful sometimes I find things hard to understand it’s like parts of my fluid brain is now ceased and unable to work. I read and read again and then won’t know how to reply or if I should comment at all.
ive been offline because I’ve also been trying to work and keep my job. 3 days this week is enough for me. I’m maxed out.

I was hoping to see grandkids to give presents but might be a while before I do there’s a bit of power play going on and I’m not well enough to deal with it so I am trying to focus on the what I can do. Which is not much lol.
ive got help coming every week to help with house and shopping delivered and I have hubby getting meals and drinks so I’m lucky. It could be a hell of a lot worse.
One thing the psychologist said is bouncing around my head. He said he’s specialised in trauma and what happened is by far the worst he’s seen. He said I’m to not try and do too much but rest and recover and I can work through things with him and he mentioned some things which I forgot immediately. He asked if I had thought about moving to a new place and a change of scenery and if I had family or friends I could stay with. I wonder now if it would be easier if I had a new place and a fresh start. I do live with reminders of the pain so I can see his point. I should consider it but the effort is immense and beyond me now. I feel why I’m still the one to suffer more loss. I love my home and we have soooo much stuff. 20yrs of accumulation and memories in this house. He has a point though and I do know it can be therapeutic to be removed from the point of trauma.
With that in mind I am going to spend a few days with family and friends

wishing everyone calming peace.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris,

I didn't realise you were still in the same house - I can't staying somewhere where anything awful happened. When I've tried imagining I'd want to change everything to make the place unrecognisable. Visiting my family when I left home was difficult in part because I was going back to that house too.

I'd give it some thought; you don't need to rush into any major decisions straight away.

Talk more with your therapist, mention to him that you forget a lot, so you may need to hear things several times. Forgetting stuff is so common he ought not have a problem with repeating information. & given his comment about what you've experienced, again, don't rush. It'sno use if you are overwhelmed because of tackling too much at once.

I like that you are prioritising , & it seems to me, making decisions which you feel are what you need. Even deciding to limit how much time you spend here is completely understandable. When you want to talk, as much or as little as suits you is fine.

I wish you a very peaceful & pleasently enjoyable time away with those friends & family. We make the best of what we have? Don't we deserve to do that.?

❄🍪🎶🤶🥕📦🎍🥛💖🎄🌟🍭🎁🎼🎅🔔🍬☮️❤️⛄🍍❄🍪🎶🤶🥕📦🎍🥛💖🎄🌟🍭🎁🎼🎅🔔🍬☮️❤️⛄

☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I would say I was not limiting myself on here but having to work and struggling physically I’m exhausted and just lie down and zone out. I still have a fair bit of time that my head is swirling and I’m staring at a tv but not watching.
Yes I live at ground zero but I’ve had so many ground zeroes that I’m like no more this is mine f you and your evil. I’ve run and left and sneaked away so much in my life and in my dreams I’m right back there trying to survive and escape. Abusers always blame the victims so wherever the victim is can still be scary and dangerous. I’m not so sure what is best because the feeling of being unsafe still follows. Am I safe here I don’t know but I have cameras and alarms and the police patrol and call sometimes. I’m not prepared to be anyone’s victim anymore and as much as I feel concerned it’s no different to how I felt when I hid. The little girl hiding is still with me. How a supposed loved one can be so destructive I will never understand. In the past I had decided they are evil but now I’m left trying to understand what lies do they tell themselves that justifies hurting a loved one so much they can’t go on. What delusional thinking belongs there. I saw sweet sensitive and loving person but deranged thinking took over and then the monster took over.
Anyway I’m angry and not grieving like I was. Stages I suppose today was 3 hours of tears so far and I wrangled in my emotions and it’s nearly 2 pm. Hurt people hurt is not good enough.
I agree you grow up and personal responsibility kicks in. Get help.
Thank you for the presents ❤️🥰 MC

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

mmMekitty has an excellent view of things and I'll not try to repeat or expend on them, they are quite good enough by themselves.

I'm sure your Psych is right in theory, my moving out of the environment that was bad and traumatic for me was a great help, however it was different circumstances.

The actual process of moving an established house is not something for the faint-hearted and thoughts about it may be best left at least for the moment.

You did say "I still have no capacity for complex procedures" which really means any such long term and far reaching decisions are not really going to be made at your best.

Going to visit others sounds an excellent and much more practical effort at the moment, and in all probability will do you good. Getting away from old reminders, even if only for a while, does tend to quieten the mind.

Please don't worry about eihter understanding all the posts, or responding to them. They are our means of letting you know you are not alone, and others understand. If they do that they have done their job, and anything extra is icing on the cake.

I probably won't talk to you again tonight, so let me wish you a peaceful and non-taxing Chrsitmas wiht gentle people

Croix

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[mmMekitty]

Wishing you, Mum Chris, a most beautiful day & a Happy Xmas, filled with my warm thoughts & feelings for you.☮️🌞❤️🧸🌺

mmMekitty