I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

back a couple of days now but still recovering. It was good to get away but physically taxing. I had a big reaction to Covid booster I had Christmas Eve and I think I’m just getting better. First night back nightmares galore and I was in bed till 1pm today.
I hope everyone was kind to themselves and I certainly was. I didn’t want to come home but I did

I have help coming tomorrow to tidy up the house so I will need to get dressed lol.
Not much personal growth this week

goodnight and sleep well all

MC

[mmMekitty]

Good night.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Nearly 2022 let it be a better year.
I did it I went to the gym and got a set of exercises I can do not standing 😅 I’m happy about that but I’m muscle sore and tired. I need a nap now.
zoning out watching tv.
😴

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I have been a babbling and crying mess again. Lots of tears.
I messed up our New Years plans and cost us money and then two very important and physically vulnerable loved ones have been close contact Covid and I can’t see them. Already I was supposed to see a close family member and Covid blocked that.
Lots of tears and I feel like it never stops hubby and dog glued to me blah blah blah blahba

I’m missing everyone even those that hurt me. I run over it in my mind is there anyway it could be different anyway I could have them in my life Then I remember how bad it was and how useless and unable to cope I was and how much hatred and judgement I received. Then it’s the memory of how everything was blamed on me. I caused it all and deserved it because I was a shit person. Their words not mine.

I’m grateful for much but exhausted I have to beg for crumbs to see my Grandchildren instead of seeing them everyday for years now it’s rarely. I think I need to go to court to secure that.
I need a shake up

[mmMekitty]

Their words about you are utter bullpucky! Old useless words! That's what those words are.

& You know it.

*

Please tell me more about the exercises. That sounds good. 😸

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Did you get your Covid test?

No exercise today I’m trying to watch Netflix but very unsuccessful

I thought about sitting outside but it’s raining and hot. I might go sit outside anyway and see if there’s any birds. The big heavy moon boot is hot and getting in my way. My husband keeps smiling at me and I need to snap out of it and return to earth my brain is a wasteland lol.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris,

Yes, my home helper took me up the road, into the next suburb, & when we arrived probably 9:15am no one was lined up in cars, or in the waiting room. So I was the only one at that time. She said they were lined up outside early in the morning, but there was a lull so we were lucky. The woman was very business-like, no fuss & bother to make me more nervous, & proceeded first with a narrow thing stuck down onto the back of my tongue, which caused a fairly healthy gag reflex, & some tingly feelings on my skin. Then she poked narrow fuzzy ended (I think) sticks, one into each nostrils. Very quick, no tearing up or or stinging. It was good. & we were done. I was home before 10am.

Try to do some breathing exercises, I would suggest, if you ever do have to take a COVID test. I wish I'd thought to do that myself before we went in. Gagging for any reason is not a good thing for me, Not the worst, but pretty high on that list of awful things.

& as per instructions I am staying home until I go into Hospital.

Thanks for asking.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hello

Great you got in quickly Gagging yes it’s a big no thank you from me too. I’m in semi self isolation the broken foot has reduced my access to the world. I want to go to a shop but will wear a mask and get in and quickly out. I’m quite worried about Covid I get pneumonia from a head cold and while so far nothing ever kills me im allergic to nearly all drugs that they need to give me so I end up in a fairly bad way because of the drugs I have to have and the extreme reactions in hospital oxygen and drips and pain. I had an allergic reaction to to endone with the broken foot. Panadeine does not stop the pain and the dr was worried about my mental health because other pain meds can have severe depression and anxiety reactions. Anyway I would prefer to not get Covid.
Ive not been that well lately feeling very sad and I am crying a bit. I’m missing people and can’t reconcile what happened. I don’t want to relive it but I worked so hard to keep my family together and now we are all estranged. I dreamt we got a phone call and he needed help and we couldn’t help him and I was trying to remember a number so he could call his grandmother but I couldn’t remember. That was days ago and I’m still upset before the dreams I was already not great but now I’m worse. The reality is probably he’s still a hateful person who only means me harm. The dog is glued to me trying to get me calm but I’m keeping my issues away from my husband. Nothing he can do anyway he’s gotten to a place of acceptance of the facts and is trying to move on. He’s busy with my daily physical care food and drinks and helping me physically. To be fair he has held me and comforted me a lot and knows I’m sad but is being cheerful and practical.

I think my broken body fits with how I’m feeling inside. Everyone can see I’m broken on the outside now. I have some medication to take when I get too anxious and I had some mostly because I’m getting red in the face and my breathing is not calm and steady. Self worth is at a big low and my headspace is not my own it’s crowded with random twirling mess. To be truthful this is not living it’s existing. I exist. I’m going through the motions but the pain inside me is so bad.
Sorry for the big negative post.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC, (yeah, I like 'MC')

sometimes, going through the motions is all we can do. It keeps our heads above water, like treading water, our legs are pumping just to stay afloat.

I'm so glad you have your hubby to rely on for all the practical needs. His love for you is so evident in everything he does. Trust in that. You are a worthy person, worthy of love & care.

In some of the posts you've written, I am moved to tears by the strength you have found to just keep going. I'm so proud of you.

I'm here, MC, on the breeze, in the sound of an insect, in the rustle of leaves...I am here. Imagine, & it is so.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MC (Yes, I'm picking up bad habits from mmMekitty:)

You have an awful lot to try to deal with at the moment, family, physical pain, all the effects of complex PTSD, plus intolerance to necessary meds. Also trying to buffer things from your husband -a generous measure.

You are not used to the physical limitations and pain with your foot, and that can make all else seem more pressing, worse.

You do have those that want the very best for you, your husband for one. Maybe not exactly perfect but who is? Then there are us here on the Forum, real people who only appear to you as words but are fellow human beings nevertheless.

It's all overwhelming and I'd like to suggest you try as best you can to take your mind off all of it.

At bad times sometimes I put my mind in another place, one from my childhood in Wales, standing on top of a cliff on the side of a mountain, with sheep cropped turf all around. On three sides is grey seas, windswept and with squalls of rain. I can see the squalls coming. They hit me as the wind pushes me around. It is not a bad feeling, I'm closer to the earth, away from civilization, and the rain washes away memories and fears.

There is more but that is enough to give you the idea. Do you have mental retreat to help calm and sooth you?

So can I ask what you would like? A movie or magazine or book, music perhaps. I'm just guessing obviosly. Maybe a cherished memory to relive.

One of my memories I relive is about going in a water-filled cave in a rowing boat wiht my wife in the pitch dark and seeing festoons of glow-worms, on the walls, roof and reflected in the black water with us suspended in the center.

Any respite will be good for you, even if your brain is fuzzy and concentration is hard

Croix