I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

You certainly did a job on your foot, not one bone but two! Did say how long to heal (if you treat it sensibly of course)?

Not being able to put weight on it is incredibly frustrating, however I use crutches when I need to and they are not too bad when you get used to them, at least the sort that clip onto your forearms.

You can get pretty nimble with them (though a mug of coffee is an art to carry). They are light and easy to store in a car and will let you climb steps and go over rough ground. I've no experience with wheels.

Actually if they are loose and do not clip your arms properly they fall off onto the floor when you are using your hands, this is a right pain, so please make sure if you are going to use them you borrow exactly the right size.

I'm glad you have the chance of some support, even if going though coffee withdrawals, you might be interested to do a search of hte Forum to see how others have got on with EMDR and the other therapies offered.

A bright side is a daughter that cares even if she overreacts. Mind you having no concentration left for navigation and looking out for yourself is a worry, so I can see her point. Hopefully the therapy will help.

I'd echo mmMekitty's concern over that kidney pain, maybe it needs to be mentioned - what do you think?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello, Mum Chris,

Thought I'd drop in, or slink, or maybe even saunter in, shed shed some hair, & purr for a while, seeing if you are alright, & if you'd like some company? I'm not far away. 😺

& here's more,❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️, a six pack!

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris,

Popping in again, trying to catch you sleeping. 😺

Look what I found, another🧸& this one is stuffed with virtual tissues, & a miniture Fogwhistle. You won't believe the range of notes you can get out of it! You'll have the staff wondering what & where the sounds are for hours, if not days!

The Harpsicordian & the Euphonedrum were too big for me to smuggle in , so when you can travel to Croix's igloo, you'll hear them long before you arrive, rocking the place, literally! DB is going to be on the Euphonedrum & Grandy on Harpsicordian, in a duet I wrote especially for them to play, & dedicated to you & your recovery!

💖💖💖Hope to hear from you soon,💖💖💖

😻mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

i have descended out of my drug fueled hospital stay. I had an allergic reaction to endone got the work’s itching panic swollen organs and technicolor yawn before they moved me to morphine. Still itching and discomfort and a little panic but much better. I’m home with various aids to get me around and minimal pain relief. I prefer the pain so I know what I can tolerate and not reinjure my foot.
The world revolves around making it to the toilet in time and not going into a state of panic.
Big day tomorrow I start treatment for trauma finally. It’s my first time and I have to make my way to a new place and on crutches. Taxi instead of security of my own car. 😕😱😬😳

I am scared but hopeful. I decided the setback of injury was time to use for a leap forward to getting treatment.
im very vulnerable and the slightest hurdle or tiny bump and I cry and am really jumpy.
I must have very clear tear ducts

it’s hard for me to concentrate or interact and I’m having relationship issues. I dont know what’s real or what’s imagined. I feel let down and neglected but my insecurities are so strong maybe no amount of action or display of undying love would make me feel comfortable. I got giant bunches of flowers from work but none from my husband and all I can think about is no flowers and I have always said don’t buy me flowers. 😵‍💫😵‍💫 He brought me clean clothes and has cooked the meals and cleaned the house but I think he doesn’t love me. Uurk yuck

Dr said pain meds increase anxiety and depression but when they say that it seems abstract. To me what I’m feeling is reality I’m not loved I’m all alone etc etc.

When I can focus better I will reread the posts from mmMekitty and Croix because they are so lovely and well written but marshmallow brain can’t absorb the words if you know what I mean. I’m at preschool stage of comprehension

I will update tomorrow on session with new psych I’m excited and hopeful

good night 😴💤🛌🥱

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

Popped in to see how you are going.

I hope your stay in hospital is over and oyu are home, how are you managing with the moonboot and what sort of walking aid did you get in the end?

Hope all is well

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

I have a fixed no wheels walker thingy and crutches. Both very ineffective in my hands but I’m getting around

Frustration with being in this condition is immense and I’m a grumpy person with waves of insecurity.

I am trying to view as an opportunity to learn and slow down. To uncover more about who I really am and what I really want. I’ve been propelled by circumstances and other people needs now I’m the needy one. Who what and why and hopefully how is where I am at.

I totally suck on crutches so hopefully at the end of 6 weeks I won’t need surgery. If I do then maybe they can fix the old injuries and I can be better than before.

Excited for new psychologist visit tomorrow he specialises in trauma treatment and comes with good recommendations.

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC - I like that & appreciate that you posted on my thread. Thank you.

You have gone through a lot in hospital, but it seems to me, you'll come out stronger for this experience. I wish you all the best with the new psychologist. Just remember to allow yourself extra time to get there so you aren't panicking trying to find his place. Also give yourself enough time to settle before he comes out to greet you.

I'll leave it hear for now. 💖💖💖 with all my best, 😻

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

Yes the aids are a pain, but if you are like me it will not take long to be very mobile on the crutches. and if it makes you grumpy, that's OK, such restriction would make most that way. The only reason I don't is from long term circumstances, and even then if somone assumes too little or too much I can get shirty.

Having some time for yourself sounds good, I realise you wish to make your recovery better, and I was wondering if you had a plan, an idea of what might be best?

A new psychologist who specializes in trauma sounds pretty promising, is there any way you can brief him that is gentle on yourself?

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I had a emotional drama before the psychologist and I took a sedative and left early so I could get there on time and not freak out or get lost. Luckily because Uber app had issues and I had to update payment method and I was freaking out but luckily the sedative was like a heavy blanket. Also I rang my husband and he could hear it in my voice the distress and he talked to me in such a strong and understanding way it just helped me soo much. He’s not usually like that he’s usually more judgmental. I like him again 🤣

The psychologist was fantastic and I was suitably numb. I handed over paperwork and he read and I coldly spoke on my history of abuse and that I had gotten well and strong but now was not okay. He stopped me and said what the plan was evidently I’m not at a point where I can start emdr therapy I need some safety stuff to get me more centred or something not his words but I think that is what he was saying. He did say when I get overwhelmed I can use ice and cold water to bring me back and lower the physical reactions. I think that’s what it’s for. He did say that what I have experienced was extreme and he had a plan to help me he mentioned steps and I of course can’t remember a thing. But he never said any of the stuff the other psych said that I found absolutely unhelpful. I’m feeling hopeful

As for the walker and crutches I’m getting used to them I was going to send back the walker next week but I’m going to keep it as it’s better for night time dashes.

I’m doing some craft projects again for a long time I wasn’t able to focus on anything and even watching tv I was just looking at it not watching. Blank stares and a whirlwind in my head and emotions.

im not able to cope with the slightest extra anything I can find a harmony and sort of functioning level but add a tiny hurdle and I come crashing down. Do you think that’s what was intended when I was hurt was it to totally destroy me. Was there so much hatred that this is what I will do to her. I attract and create hatred from others and I have no power to protect myself. I had an illusion that I was strong and a fighter and not a victim but it was a lie I told myself. Anyway baby steps I need to keep thoughts small and tight
Today I will focus on one task I need to colour my hair. All important for self esteem the grey GT stripe has to go 💈🦄 if I had pink hair dye I think I’d give that a go.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Oh, Mum Chris, I think you are a survivor. Yes, you were victimised, but You Are Still Here. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

MMMekitty