I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[mmMekitty]

😻

On nimble claws I teeter, tee-hee!

& off I flitter, like a bumble bee!

💨

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

The avatar represents turmoil. Many different images of a person in different colours and poses and one behind bars. Actually the bars are only on one side so not a jail just a obstacle in front.
I didn’t take cortisol I took a pill that slows pulse and cortisol production and the shaky sweats. Only last about 4 hours and I can take 3 times a day.
If I’d had alcohol I would not have taken a sedative because the alcohol would have been close to hand. The sedative I had to hunt for as I’d stopped getting scripts for it. I found 1 and a1/4 pills in the bottle and I took 1 kept the precious 1/4 for future panic.
Im sometimes not very clear with explanations.
Yesterday was a success I got to see my grandchildren and I got lots of hugs. Things have been tough there and I’m going to help as much as I can even if it involves going to court. They are not seeing their father anymore so I have to deal with their mum who likes to be in control and play games. Games I’m not strong enough to deal with atm.
Seems like seething anger has to have a place to strike and now I’m not around there needs to be a new target. The lies continue and the sympathy seeking bull. I shed tears for my son and his pain but he’s not changed not seen the light it’s still the poor me party putting up with everything and everyone no wonder he gets angry Delusional hateful person

I’m beyond disappointed. I need to not let my disappointment mask the feelings I have had and the realisation of my injury and my emotions The focus is not on others it must be on healing me and my home life.

A lot of my grief is around losing my grandchildren and to hear that they were told they would not be seeing me and how they argued with their father about it and wouldn’t agree that I was the problem and they suffered because of it and I told them I admired their strength. Angel’s I sent them back to mums happy and with some new clothes and toys.

They did tell me he hates me and gets angry and opens and closes his fist and stomps around when talking about me. So his solicitor telling me he was sad what his actions has done etc is all an act for the court. I’m glad we have installed security at home.

Garden clean up today lots of exercise and satisfying end result.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

When you have experienced real life aggression and feared for life and limb it does something to you. I don’t feel safe in many situations. I did learn to fight and defend myself and that helped. It helps with fear of strangers. Scrappy was a good way to describe me when I was young. I’d argue struggle and resist. Eventually that gets worn down and I started checking for danger. Looking for signs things are not safe. Be careful be prepared at all times.
Therapist telling me I did a good job of keeping myself and my family safe. I did avoid conflict and getting hurt good job etc. may be true but it enabled bad people to gain more control and fed my distress and my continued abuse.

For me I’ve heard noises in the night and been in danger for real. Not just once fighting for my life or begging.
Not my husband’s experience he thinks it’s only imagination. Vigilance turned to hyper vigilance

For you too these are things that happened actually how you get to feeling of safety you will have to explain. Do I go back to learning how to protect myself again or does it just get easier to feel safe.
I used to wake and be paralysed with fear unable to move or scream out. Now I am able to scream out while dreaming and my husband wakes me and tells me I’m dreaming. Some progress maybe. 🙁

The bars are in front but not at the side or behind but they are there. No shackles but still crunched and seated. I look forward to my next avatar although turmoil fully represents my different selves. All are currently tangled and intertwined.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I just saw you had fallen and hurt your ankle and are waiting for the doctor. I guess if you can avoid an ambulance and ER that's pretty good, it can be quite a taxing environment.

"For you too these are things that happened actually how you get to feeling of safety you will have to explain"

You sure ask hard questions and I'm not sure I have a complete answer. Towards the end of my time in the force and for a period afterwards I probably overreacted badly. True there were possibilities from people that I'd had to deal with but nothing ever happened either at home or after I left with the exception of one minor assault.

Toning things down so my expectations were realistic took time. To start with it was all locks, lights and a large dog. However as time went on my spouse started to convince me my expectations were false. At the same time I was on medication and undergoing therapy (still am)

So gradually I became less and less anxious of bad things happening and also less jumpy. To start with my reactions seemed instinctive, and not open to logic. In time I came to understand more of what I was doing and tried to take various forms of action to lessen my reactions. These included exercise, reading, movies, talking to and listening to my spouse, as well as seeking out humor from British comedians. Even taking a shower.

Slowly it worked, now I lock my doors and windows at night, (I'm in a small rural town) but otherwise am not that jumpy or anxious of harm.

Mind you if I had your situation, with dogs charging at the fence, I'd be fearful too.

In a nutshell: time, experience leading to control, therapy & meds, family support and a new working life away from the police.

That's as close to an answer as I can get. Dunno if it makes any sense

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Sounds good to me, Croix, (from the peanut tree)

My difficulties in this area aren't as severe, so I am fortunate in that.

Mostly I wait, too afraid to even turn over, even if I am feeling someone is standing behind me, I can't do it. That's why I listen intently, waiting for my heart to stop beating so much, catching my breath, holding it, yet, knowing I must breathe, & the more control of my breathing I have the more I can calm myself, the more my heart stops pounding, & the easier it is to breathe again.

At that point, I will risk moving, turning, getting up & turning on a light, checking the nearest door, then going out to the next room, & checking the front door. & I look out too.

Even though I can't see much, I still look out of my windows, & sliding glass door, especially if I think I hear something, & try to identify it. If I can identify the source of the sounds I hear, I not, okay, 😸that's okay then. Developing tinnitus hasn't helped. 😾

Now, the audiobook goes back on, (or music) I have a drink of water, or maybe even a small snack. Go back to the bathroom, then go back to bed, with my audiobook playing for perhaps another hour, while I get back to sleep, or so I hope...

If I was with anyone, Hell, I think I would feel a lot of embarrassment, maybe shame about these feelings & having to disturb anyone who is with me. I wouldn't want to do that. It's good you do have someone you can trust, someone who will forgive how you feel & react to your trauma.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Short post in hospital 2 small broken bones in foot and other leg huge bruises torn muscle. Just got moon boot and a weird walker I lean on and hop so I can take myself to the toilet. Yippee

Painkillers and blurred vision now. Had a meltdown and I may go to another hospital for rehab and mental health care.

No visitors yet because no one could believe I’d actually hurt myself. I’ve a history of massive falls no injuries. Tonight lots of disbelief and comments on my bad 2021.

remember when people visited and brought grapes and chocolate to hospital patients.
👻👻👻

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I'm sorry to hear of the breaks and the meltdown too.

Still please regard this post as a virtual visit, with virtual grapes (so you can spit virtual pips at the passers-by of your choice) and virtual (dark) chocolate wrapped in foil (so you can make noisy unwrapping noises in the middle of the night to disturb all and sundry)

Would you prefer to stay where you are or go to the other hospital?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

I have the chocolate,🍫, & little 💖💖💖stickers for your boot. 😻& i'll purr for you, right here, mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm ...NOT sitting on your feet!

Have you taken a photo or two? Just an ide. 😸

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Thank you I will enjoy the gifts and treats. ❤️❤️❤️
Hubby has been my only visitor so far and I’m missing my decaf coffees. Maybe I could Uber a jumbo decaf full cream milk no sugar 🥰🥰

Did I say I broke my foot in 2 places. Small tip of heel broken and bone on side of foot. Both completely snapped off. I’ve had reaction too the endone and they have taken that off the list and I can have injections only but I seem to be reacting to that now. I have developed a pain in kidney and I think It’s a issue. It’s a pain I’ve felt before but as I get off drugs it may be better.
I had good news about getting psych care for trauma while in hospital. Well partial good news. I have an appointment next week with psychologist that specialises in EMDR therapy and other trauma therapy. I can’t remember if I have already said anyway bright side I’m getting some support. I just feel this would not have happened if I wasn’t consumed by invasive thoughts. I stepped in front of a car recently in a car park more than once but in my defence one was electric car and I didn’t hear anything.
im not mobile so will be in hospital till Friday afternoon if all goes well.
Positive affirmations are playing in my ears all night. Not sure how effective it is but I think it drowns out nightmares

My daughter is very very upset I’m hurt and she’s scared for me. My vulnerability is destabilising for her and I understand. I wish I could hug her and tell her it’s ok but FaceTime is all we have.
im using a giant walker but need to practice on crutches to get out of here. I think I need one of those knee wheelies that look like scooters but instead of standing you kneel on bad side and stand on other foot and you scoot around. But maybe not I should suck it up and use the crutches. Decisions 🤦🏼‍♀️

[mmMekitty]

Hey there, Mum Chris,

I presume you've spoken to either a physiotherapist or an Occupational therapist about how to get used to crutches, or if the wheelie thing would be better for you? They could help you make the decision.

I've brought you a ☕, see, it's got full-cream milk in it, already? Can you imagine the smell, the smooth porcelain cup, warm in your hand , & raising it to your mouth, smelling the coffee, with it's own warm aroma, feel the steam, & sip, - what a great exerse in using your imagination! This could be a good mindfulness exercise, too. Trying to create as realistic an idea of having your giant cup of coffee. 😺 Might be as good as having a real one! & a far better thing for your mind to be focused on, along with your affirmations.

I'm not much sold on affirmations, but if they seem to keep nightmares away, then go for it!

After all, you don't need to continue having the nightmares, because you know what they are about anyway, already, so - 'enough already', I'd say. Even telling myself that may not take such dreams away completely or forever, but I've felt it has helped.

Have you mentioned the kidney pain to anyone? It might be worth to check out, if only to confirm it is nothing to worry about.

We need to be super mindful of traffic, especially those silent electric & hybrid cars. They are so annoying.

When I am tired, or mind is caught up with some thoughts, or I am highly emotional, or when I am feeling so low I don't care, (not good, I know, & this is especially why I mention it, is when we need to be pushing ourselves to listen, look, & react appropriately to what is going on around us. It can be so hard, & the mind can slip, so then we need to stop, 'regroup' & keep our minds on getting safely to where we can sit awhile. It isn't practical in the middle of a carpark, or when walking towards home, or wherever, so we need to taking greater care than usual.

I keep thinking how it would be for a driver to bump their car into me, knock me over, & potentially cause some serious harm, because I started crossing a road before I was absolutely sure it was safe. Still, no matter how cautious I am, I know something could happen, so that scares me every time I go out.

I can't control how much others are taking care, so I must do what I can to keep myself from harm.

💖mmMekitty😺

Just look at my picture, & see if you can imagine me on your bed, purring, & definitely no grabbing toes! I am being nice, gentle kitty for Mum Chris😸