I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[therising]

Hi MC

Being determined to not be like our parents can be hard work. I think there are a lot of factors that can make it hard. Not knowing why our parents are the way they are or were; so not understanding their back story can be one. Another can involve not knowing what healthy parenting is supposed to look like. Another can involve our partner getting in the way of developing a good parenting team; so a lack of support and the pressures of trying to figure it out on your own. There are a lot more but these are just a few that come to mind. As mmMekitty mentioned, as a parent 'We do the best with what we have, what our skills are, what our maturity is, what our insight is'. As insight grows and hindsight reveals our past parenting style in our rear vision mirror, things begin to make more sense as we travel along. I've come to realise how much of my parenting came from the dysfunction of my parent's relationship with each other. While my parents suffered through their own traumas in their young lives, a lack of resolution or revelation led them to come together following a history of trauma. They never really came together as a team. They never really worked as a team. While this is one issue, as a couple, it's a whole other issue when you throw kids into the mix. It's kind of like being raised by 2 somewhat lost and dysfunctional people who aren't entirely on the same page. You're being raised or depressed by 2 people who live together yet are separate at the same time. Can be confusing for a kid, how those dynamics work. You can grow up thinking that's normal in a way because that's the only example you have to really work from.

It's hard coming to gradually understand the nature of those people who raised you. When you take the word 'parents' out of the scenario, it basically comes down to 2 adults who give you the basics while you're living with them. Whether these people go above and beyond the basics is a whole other story. When neither one of these people explains to you why they're interacting with you the way they are you can be left thinking a lot of what you're facing is your fault. Not only this but you can inherit their faults without realising, such as a lack of patience, a lack of clear communication with your kids and a lack of other stuff. Then you might come to realise these are not really your parent's faults, they also inherited them. Becoming possibly the 1st conscious parent through generations breaks the cycle of faulty parenting.

[mmMekitty]

These Thought I've had; you say so well, The Rising.😺

It does make what has happened much more understandable when I think like this. I can stop blaming & feeling at fault, because I can see how I am a product of how ever many generations it took to get me here, & eeing the person I am was being formed long before I was born.

Breaking out of this template is so very hard. I don't think I've been successful at all - I hardly took up the challenge, having decided, from fear, not to have children, therefore, to not even try. Even now, as I am getting older, I don't want the responsibility of looking after anyone's children. I know I am too impatient & intolerant, especially of noise.

Philosophically, I am wondering if the basic human imperitive to perpetuate our species is only achievable while we are immature enough to be unaware of the huge responsibility we are undertaking, how difficult it will be? After all, we are not only interested in the numbers of us on the planet, but, usually, in seeing the next generation is an improvement on the last. Or is that wishful thinking on my part?

A couple of my sibs have done pretty well, in their own way, I think, mostly by their own efforts. They have managed to grow beyond their parenting, at least to some extent.

I think this is what is to be hoped for - that kids outgrow their parenting.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

i think I have a very mild cold it’s going around and I’m tired and blah. Achey but I did a test so all good.

Both your thoughtful posts yes I agree and yes I agree well said. I used all my brain power for work today and I’m a whiny mess now. Chucked the dog outside he wouldn’t stop crying maybe he needs a pee. 😂

I made a mistake that cost me so I’m sick and grumpy. I went straight to give up and hide in my bedroom and sulk. These are the times I need to implement the things I’m learning. Breathe and relax and let it go. Holding it tight won’t make it better. It just makes me suffer and it’s unhealthy. It happened and yes it cost me, work stresses me and it’s over for today. I’m unwell I can take a Panadol and breathe and relax my neck and shoulders. I can close my eyes and think of something that’s fun and makes me happy. I can meditate and let the sooky dog back inside for cuddles. I can tidy the kitchen and have a cheerful attitude.
I did take a sedative and now I regret it I think I can manage to rise above this without it. At least I’ll sleep tonight

Its hard to recognise sometimes that people are just doing there best or doing what they learned.
My husband said yesterday that I’m the strongest toughest person at times and that I’m also suddenly as fragile as a twig and I break. I need to merge the two me’s. I think I can with what I’m learning and I’ve only just started. I understand the abuse and the damage and now I need to find the recovery. I really do pop off things happen and bam I’m spiraling downward to my go to which is I can’t handle it and I retreat.

I really like reading your posts

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

I try & not take things so personally, but it is so very hard to do sometimes. I've been sort of sulky too, today. All the various things of happening yesterday had got to me & I struggled to let things go.

Some things, like the few very loud crashes of thunder...after reacting by being startled & feeling the tingling, I responded by having a word to it, telling it to stop &, it is not supposed to do that! Which made me laugh a bit, at myself, really...& felt better then.

Other things were more difficult to deal with, & there seemed I was having to deal with several thngs, overlapping & feeling like a growing mountain, I could not break down anymore into smaller bits.

& because I couldn't deal with everything, at some point, I realised I'd let the shopping go...even the neighbours, to some extent. I thought, maybe they hadn't been able to have a get together for ages, & I really couldn't hear all that much from them, so I let them go.

I tried to take a few minutes, here & there, with 'fun' posts, to break up all the stress I was feeling.

I was still tired, my legs were aching, I'd gotten distracted & very nearly made my late lunch inedible, I felt in much need of a shower, & I felt as if nothing was happening as & when I needed it. I'm looking at email I was not happy about, got another scammer calling my number, block that, on & on,

I had an emotional reaction for everything.- my typing included! I'm making so many typos, I wonder how I finished my posts.

Took me a while, but this time, those emails have gotten a reply. I wrote, & rewrote, trying to make complicated thoughts & feelings into a reasonable response. Or two... three....

So, Today, I gave in & watched some things on Iview, (after creating a new account - giving info, I wish wasn't 'required'. They want it so they can send promotions & let you know about thngs 'you might also like'. I don't want them doingg, but..)

It's also been quiet here. I've only messed up my fried eggs...but still, I feel like curling up in the back seat & letting someone else drive for a while. (lol, 😸me drive! 🦯 Oh, well, it's a metaphor.)

🧸☮️❤️

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Yes life gets very difficult and exhausting and metaphor is perfect. I will join you in the backseat. What else can be done when everything is difficult. Why does iview and SBS make it so hard to get access to streaming. I’ve been locked out and unable to get access a dozen times. Occasionally I can re enter my details and start watching but mostly I fail and end up yelling at the screen and storming off frustrated and furious. I have Netflix and as long as we pay no problems at all.
Last night was a bust I somehow managed to fry some meat and a egg and fall into bed. The head cold and sedative knocked me out and I only woke to could or drink water.

Today I need to practice my happiness and look on the bright side. Look after my emotions and not be carried away with despair. I have been struggling with my diet and craving things that were bad for me. With current barrage of hard knocks the old habit was to reach for food and drink to cheer me up. The compulsion to do the wrong thing for me is really strong. I’m very very slowly losing weight and my blood results were 90% good. I’m not dieting just changing what I eat and eating full fat with meat and lots of veg. I have not been perfect but 90% so my blood tests are showing that.
I saw the surgeon and my broken foot will take a bit longer and the physio I’ve been doing has been not enough and I told her I’m not happy with the one I’m seeing and she’s referred me to another one. I have to have surgery on my other foot and I’m getting injections to see if it helps. I can’t see me doing that till my broken foot has gotten stronger. I have a holiday booked for later in the year so definitely after that.
Im avoiding the news and watching funny shows only. I did a little gardening I have a folding chair I drag around and sit on while I weed or plant something. I do need help with the heavy stuff but I’m taking part in the way the yard looks and getting real bossy even if the husband bites back I’m asserting myself. I’ve been an absent participant for so long he’s struggling with me not agreeing with everything as was my way of coping for the last few years. He’s a procrastinator and is an I’ll get to it and I’m anxious and need to do everything now so makes for fireworks. He feels bossed around and hard done by if I ask for help and I think he’s cute when he’s angry. Old me wouldn’t have asked for help to avoid the conflict but that didn’t work so well for me.
❤️❤️

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

I tried to post, & something went wrong, I guess. I keep thinking how well you are doing, how you get back up & keep trying when you have setbacks, & things feel so hard. I have a feeling you are not going to let anything defeat you.😺

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for you &❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for hubby & dog.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I had trouble posting too I had to log in again and then I couldn’t reply. It’s ok now

Im ok still sick but not very sick. Just uncomfortable.
I suppose it will be a while till I get some order back in my life. The things I neglected piled up and the damage to my husband and me from sustained stress is still coming out. I’m sure my husband has some pushed down resentment from how I parent and how I function when in a dangerous situation. I think he confused my ability to ignore dangerous and bad behaviour as strength but it’s not really it’s my survival instincts. I did fight hard for my son and it was to the detriment of everyone else in the family. I saw my son as wounded and needing protection which is accurate but I was unable to stem his behaviour and I let it go too far. I’m feeling calmer about that now and I recognise his spite and entitlement now. I’m not over it but I’m calmer about it.
Using the tools the psychologist has taught me and also his feedback on my safety issues and grandchildren and husband.
My giant doggo has been improving and whatever was plaguing him has settled down. I got a large crate and a cover and fitted it out with bed and food and water bowls and he goes in there for sleep and security and it seems to be helping. I left him out of crate last night and he was more settled. He’s had a bad day every now and then but he’s got control of bladder and not fretting as much.
I just saw my psychologist and he wants me to write down my achievements each day before sleep. Just one or more so I can start a positive narrative in my brain. I have been sort of doing that but not formally and not each day.
I feel so tired everything is a push I can’t wait till I shrug this and get some strength. Dry cough last night. I’m not sure it’s allergies or mild head cold.
I need lots of naps.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC

I had a chuckle, about noticing achievements. I'm so very much like you, not noticing, or just occasionally. I think your psychologist has a good idea, to make aregular part of your day. Grandy has a great Thread:

Small achievement you managed to do today....How did it make you feel? Did it help you feel better today?
by Ggrand, 03 Mar 2021 in Staying well

I don't expect this has turned up as a link, but it is not too hard to find - but somehow, I think you've already noticed it. I know, whenever I see it on the list, it prompts to think of any, even the smallest, achievement I hadve had that day.

Today, I may well be that I have posted this! I've had 4 go's at it so far. Even closing the browser!

& if I get through talking to myPDr without feeling I am melting in this humid heat.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I found that link already and posted. Eating well for me is a huge task and I haven’t been getting exercise because the change in my diet has been a struggle and I’m tired from im eating a lot but it’s a huge change. I think my sugar cravings are going.
my next goal is to do 4 days of 20min exercise. Not much but it gets me sweating and the heart rate up and my muscles get sore.
This is all so I can work on caring for myself like I would for others. I need to care what happens to me and that I’m getting the best of everything. I do that for my loved ones so I why not me.
im missing my grandchildren but I only just had them here not long ago. The house is empty and quiet. I’ve filled up the rooms with our stuff and made the house the way I want it. I like the open space and there’s rooms for them to sleep still. Instead of being busy looking after them like before I do a lot of sitting and staring at the tv. I didn’t have any time to look after me but I didn’t care I love them so much and they make me laugh. When they are here which is not very often and not for long I look at them and they are so happy and content. They are relaxed and they talk about their pain and struggles. It’s been hard for them this was their home and they lost us and they are angry and disappointed. I think maybe when they get older they will come back and live with us again. They asked if they could and I said you have to make it work with your parents but of course you can and if you need us we will come to them. Life is tough for them they can see what is happening around them and they feel unsafe. I redecorated a room for them with more grown up look but it’s definitely not a full time bedroom. I want them to be strong and settle into the new situation and have visits with the grandparents as a fun trip with the oldies. Coming to live with us would cause them a terrible scar as it would mean they have turned away from their parents. I also don’t trust my parenting skills and a few hard knocks and finding their own way might be a good thing. I just miss them so much and they miss us too.

I need to get into my day and do some work.
I hope humidity is a bit lower today mmMekitty 🐈

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

I'm still getting really tired, too. I found some info which may explain some, but I'm not sure because I was tired so often long before my diagnosis & surgery, & the related treatment began... I wonder if I could just fall asleep in the GPs waiting room, (fall off the chair, too ), then they might begin to think it is something worth investigating & solving.

I don't know how I missed your last 3 posts. So sorry for that... seems in many ways you are pushing forward. Especially with looking after & caring for yourself, even when you don't feel like doing, you are making the effort... 😸

I think these notes you are making, tracking your successes, in particular, will be very valuable to you. If in doubt, just look at some of your posts! There is so much in what you write, it's wonderful.

*

As they grow, I think your grandkids will have many fond memories of you, of how you made your home their home too as much as you could, that you were there to listen & care for them, & would consider their needs. It is awfully difficult to be sure they don't feel they have to choose sides.

*

I've thought a bit about what eating food, what certain foods means to me, but not about what it may mean to serve food to others. Quite apart from providing a meal, eating, especially with others can have so much more meaning.

I just think, if I give you something to eat, you have to trust me. in order to take a bite. It is an exchange, where I ask you to trust me.

Lots of social & cultural events revolve around food.

How often is food offered as an award? Or withheld as a punishment?

Oh, there is so much to say about food!

What's our relationship to food? There's a biggie.

*

Best to steer clear of snakes. We wouldn't want mistakes with snakes!

❤️☮️🧸❤️☮️🧸❤️☮️🧸❤️