I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

That was exactly what the physiotherapist was doing to my calf’s absolute agony and it always hurts when anyone massages my legs. The roller is very hard to use at home but I am and doing the exercises he gave me and I plunge my foot into a bucket of water and ice then back elevated to drain the fluid.

Our shared dislike of the torture of physiotherapist is funny 😆 But today I was able to walk a bit better and I cooked dinner. Foot bloated again so back into iced bucket and elevated. It was nice to cook and dishes are done and my poor exhausted husband is out cold. My night time antics are catching up with him. He’s not getting enough sleep and I’m disturbing his sleep.

Being startled is disturbing and I too am very jumpy as you know. I have a dim light on all the time it’s very dim but it’s enough to see when I hear a noise. My psychologist said a level of awareness about my surroundings and noises will be always there and he said it’s beneficial but he said we will work on turning it down so it’s a background thing and not so alarming. I’m not ready to sleep in a dark home.

I bought my dog a new bed today it’s got plump cushioning and I wanted to get him a thank you gift also I’m trying to get him to come into the study with me while I work but he’s like his owner needs to keep an eye on the door. He’s turned his toy to face out towards the gate so looks like back up. I think he’s hyper vigilant now and new bed is untouched.

I went and bought some pots and potting mix and this weekend I will repot some plants. Im sticking to my light exercise routine and my new resolve of if I think about a job I need to do then I must do it. Reduce the procrastination that has been my life.

Im in need of human contact, friendly human contact, I was excited to see the chemist today and exchange pleasantries.

MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

If drawing was a requirement I’d be unable to draw a happy place. I’m not artistic and my hand eye coordination is not the best. My handwriting is shaky and misshapen and wonky. The exercise was to relax and think of a place where I felt safe and happy and to go into it mentally and it’s supposed to help turn off the sympathetic adrenal cortisol response.

This afternoon I had an uneasy feeling and wondered what it was I had mild butterfly feelings in my stomach and I felt nervous and I realised I was happy. I wanted to call someone and tell them but I decided to sit with foot elevated and enjoy it. I’m excited for the future just now. The past has been #@$& and now I’m actually looking after myself. I’m getting help mentally and physically and I’m saying what I need from myself and my friends and family. I was when I started posting last year isolated and very unwell. Mentally and physically and I had no hope and I’d made the decision to give up but my husband wouldn’t let me. It’s all very fragile and the uncertainty that surrounds others behaviour frightens me still.

Time and patience is something I’m not good with. I like absolutes and the unknown is scary to me. My past experiences are people are bad and do bad things.

I also have lived with so much fear that I normalised and ignored bad behaviour I knew I couldn’t stop it and was powerless. Instead of recoiling I’d continue on with my day as if nothings wrong. I feared losing the person or place and the unknown was too terrifying. My low self esteem and confidence and guilt ruled my life and bad people take advantage of that. Not that I’d lay down and take it because I did try and exert myself and try and make a good life. I’d plan and fuss over each thing and push and overcompensate.

A family member came to visit and I had some things I thought she’d want to go through and take with her and she said to my husband. She’s always on the move does she ever stop! I was a bit taken aback because I don’t see myself that way. I think I’m snail paced and sluggish with a pile of unresolved undone things in my life. I suppose the inner turmoil is evident to my loved ones. I don’t relax but I may lay and stare at a wall for hours.

Nice to hear time is a healer and that there is a gentler more easy life. I’m no spring chicken and I’ve lived a life not but I don’t talk age I feel old but young too. I haven’t caught up to my years emotionally or mentally.

MC

[therising]

Hi MC

You're an absolutely amazing person. I'm so glad you're able to recognise how much progress you've made since first coming here. I think that's sometimes the nature of progress, you don't realise how much you've actually made until you look back.

I think the other thing about progress can come down to recognising what kind of 'traveler' we are. While some folk can travel through life in a fairly straight forward way, for others it's not so straight forward. Imagine someone saying 'That little town you're looking for is just over there (the town known as 'Mind Altering Progress')'. No problem, you'll just walk over there. It can take weeks or months or even years of thinking 'Why is something that was just over there so hard to get to? What's wrong with me? Why am I so slow?'. Eventually, through a lot of hard work, you finally get to that town and the townsfolk show up, welcoming you with a ticker tape parade. You wonder what all the fuss is about, until someone leads you to turn around and have a look at the ground you've covered. You look and are stunned. Behind you is a mountain larger than Everest. To get to where you are, you realise you have become a mountain climber. No wonder you're exhausted, no wonder it's been so hard. No wonder there have been moments when you just wanted to give up. While some of the heights were dizzying and suffocating, you made it and you have never felt prouder.

Straight forward is easy, which is why some choose a life that is straight forward. Climbing mountains turns you into a whole other person. You begin to redefine yourself: I am a traveler who not only takes the simple paths, I navigate the unexpected detours. I am a traveler who gradually comes to recognise progress, who discovers what it means to find a compass, who climbs both mountains and mole hills. I am a traveler who recognises the need for rest and who has come to recognise what saboteurs and obstacles look like. I am an incredible, stunning and amazing traveler.

If you're left wondering whether you are in fact stunning and amazing, I offer the following test. Have you felt quite stunned by your progress at times, even if the progress appears quite basic? Have you come to amaze yourself by how well you've managed to cope under certain circumstances? If you said 'Yes' to both, there's proof. We don't have to stun and amaze others to be officially regarded as stunning and amazing 🙂

[Mum Chris]

Hi the rising

Thank you for your inspirational and very kind post. It’s hard to hear positive things when my head is full of negative thoughts and defeat.

I read it several times and I wonder how I can get to feeling good about myself. I am trying and doing what I’m told by my team of drs and it’s easier to follow instructions than to not.

I can say my tears are less and my resolve is better and more positive.

thank you
MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Ive been MIA not on the forum but also struggling with focusing on myself and my health. I’ve got people in my life that are struggling with illness and also personal demons. This impacts me and is triggering my PTSD heaps. I have made a stand for me which is super scary. Get help or I can’t be around you. I feel scared of them refusing help then I have to follow through. Don’t call don’t visit and cut them off. Their not bad or dangerous but a situation happened Saturday morning and I found out new information and I went straight to destroy me life’s too hard mode. Only for a minute but I had to isolate and think what can I deal with and am I overreacting. Probably am

I’ve accepted and overlooked and loved unconditionally and it gave me nothing. Anyway I was very honest with them and said get help or I’m not in your life. I can’t see me having the strength to follow through.

I saw psychologist and I told him I can’t meditate and focus and I’m dealing with this this and this but last Friday I had a real feeling of joy. I could see he wanted to get onto other things for the session but I needed to tell him what was happening now as it was so much. I recognise that this is just life but getting feedback about the complex issues I am dealing with or should I say people around me are dealing with is filling my mind. I’m unable to move above the worry I’m just going through the motions now. I’m in physical pain too my physical therapy was going so well I feel I had injured something. Anyway if my mind can’t get to a happy place I’m to physically to go to a happy place and take in my surroundings and relax

Im planning a small family get together too and I’m very anxious because I’m so excited and the feeling I’m getting from my family is it’s a chore. I’m sick of being last on the list and I have told them what I want and they will come and I will enjoy it. I’m organising pedicures for the girls and lunch out and games for the boys and dinner and next day skating with fish and chips lunch and then they can all leave.

I don’t often get what I want I’m usually along for the ride and get taken for granted. I was brought up to be humble and not ask for anything.

oh did I say I’m in pain back in my moon boot and wondering if I really need to walk to the next room. Dare I say two steps forward and one step back with this foot.

MC

[mmMekitty]

Mum Chris said:

Hi the rising

Thank you for your inspirational and very kind post. It’s hard to hear positive things when my head is full of negative thoughts and defeat.

I read it several times and I wonder how I can get to feeling good about myself. I am trying and doing what I’m told by my team of drs and it’s easier to follow instructions than to not.

I can say my tears are less and my resolve is better and more positive.

thank you
MC

Hi MC, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️,

I have been thinking of you. I was just about to find this thread, when there it is because you have posted! Good timing. 😺.

I thought you'd like some time to think about what The Rising has to offer you. I've read through the posts from The Rising a few times myself - a fantastic post.😸

Living day by day, change may seem slow, but, yes, when we look back, there is so much we have done, so many achievements.

For myself, I may not give myself much credit or think I am any way near 'amazing', but I have moved away from simply absorbing negative attitudes & opinions being applied to me. I question & very often, reject such conclusions others may make about me. Working on being 'good enough' is a whole lot better than I used to do - that's like travelling to a whole other country where they speak another language I have yet to master, but I am in this new enviroment, & that's okay.

It's a long process, where small changes add up, over time. It can be hard to see the picture you are painting, until you step away from the canvas & can view what you've done. In the meanwhile, you can ask people, whose opinion you respect, to tell you what they see.

mmMekitty

[Sophie_M]

Hey Mum Chris,

Hope you don't mind us popping in. We just wanted to say that this sounds like an incredibly difficult time. It sounds like you're making some really important steps in making your wellbeing the priority. It's not easy to do, especially when in physical pain as well, so well done. 

Please know that you can reach out to the Beyond Blue counsellors if talking it through would help at any point. We're here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online.

Thanks again for sharing here, Mum Chris.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Mum Chris]

Hi Sophie

Im ok I saw my psychologist and discussed and I see gp tomorrow. I do have option of pain meds but I think pain is a warning to rest it.

Thanks

MC

[therising]

Hi Mum Chris

'I'm sick of being last on the list' is a significant comment/revelation. Throw a 'because' in there and it becomes 'I'm sick because of being last on the list'. 'I'm sick because people serve themselves in ways that don't serve me and can actually make me feel worse. I'm sick because people can't manage the way in which they vent their issues to me, leading me to stress or distress. I'm sick because no one encourages me to have a good solid ranting vent, to get this dis-ease (serious unease/stress) out of my body.' 'I'm sick because of being last on the list' is a revelation that can lead to 'What the hell is wrong with everybody?'. That get together sounds exciting and highly relaxing to me. It's brilliant. I can feel the relaxation and excitement factors. You've inspired me. You're inspirational. I smile when I imagine you saying 'Okay, everyone act excited and relaxed and I'll give you feedback in regard to your acting skills. Trust me, I'll be able to feel it if you're not convincing'. I can also imagine you saying 'If you want to know what acting happy looks like or acting not stressed looks like, I'm an expert. I'm a seasoned professional who can offer tips, for I've been doing it for long enough for you lot' 🙂 Meditate on feeling the joy of the day MC. Anyone who interrupts your meditation needs to learn how to serve you better. By the way, if there are young kids involved, this is good as young kids typically don't like to interrupt or put a stop excitement and joy. If anything, kids love to lead us to thoroughly feel excitement and joy; it's in their nature to want to feel such things so intensely and share that feeling. Excitement and joy are just a couple of factors that keep kids feeling so energetic.

I'm a firm believer when it comes to those who work hard in managing their mental health challenges as being some of the hardest workers in the world. Managing through years of depression and managing to stay out of it, is what's led me to this conclusion. You can work hard to find the right mental health professional, work hard to find the right anti depressant, work hard to manage the depressing and stressful nature of others and work incredibly hard to raise your own consciousness on an almost daily basis (through mind altering strategies). To raise yourself to life is hard work. If you have worked so hard all these years, constantly, I believe you're entitled to demand that others around you begin to put the same work in.

[Mum Chris]

Hi the rising

A family member tried to guilt me about my demands today and I managed to hold my own and stand firm. I explained in detail what I have missed out on that I see others getting because I didn’t say I Want. Everyone will be there and be happy. But there was a compromise in that some extra accommodations were booked but not at my expense. I understand the need to feel comfortable and safe and I respect their needs but the days are all organised. I’m excited again and happy.

MC