Husbands porn addiction

[Empathic]

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too.

During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine.

My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all.

He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal.

I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts.

Is there any hope?

[quirkywords]

Mrs confused

Welcome to the forums. Thanks for taking time to share your story.

I am sorry what you have discovered about your husband. You have probably read what empathic's posts and the other posts people replied to her.

It will be very confusing for you and maybe seeing a counsellor may help.

MrsConfused, you may like to start your own thread as people then can help you with your issues.

Quirky

[spilman]

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I know how you are feeling as I have been gong through the same thing, the denials, the lies and the " I wont watch it again I promise". I have heard this for at least the last 3 years. It has ruined our marriage, the trust for me has gone. I hope that things for you are getting better. At the moment he hasnt looked at porno for 1 monthso we will see how it goes. The whole thing is I dont want to end the marriage as we have been married 52 years and that is a long time but if he does it again it will be the finish for me. Anyway I hope things have improved for you.

[quirkywords]

Welcome Spilman to the forum.

This is a very friend,y and supportive place.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I do hope things work out well for you.

As people have not posted on here for a while you may like to start your own thread as people will be able to help you with your own issues.

you are also welcome to keep posting here.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear Spilman~

I'd like to join Quirky in welcoming oyu here, and echo her suggestion that you make your own thread, that way more people will see your posts and you will get more points of view and hopefully some idea of how others have handled the problem.

Trust is a surprisingly fragile thing, easily broken and immensely hard to rebuild, and unfortunately yours has been shattered.

I'm going to leave to one side for the moment the particular problem, porn, and would like to emphasize that any addiction is a monster that is very hard to quell. Along the way lies, evasion and broken promises are terribly common.

Sometimes the lies spread to other areas, finances being a common one, or driving when one should not. Other times they might be more confined to the problem itself.

With any addiction often the best way is outside specialist help, people that know the pitfalls, the weak points, the areas of temptation.

52 years of marriage, if on the whole it has been a happy one, is an awful lot to lose.

May I ask if your husband is seeking medical and group support?

A call to our 24/7 Help line on 1300 22 4636 can probably tell you what is available in your area.

For some a porn addiction is harder to admit than such things as alcohol or gambling, however I'd be hopeful with the appropriate help matters could improve.

As for your predicament, do you have anyone, family or friend perhaps to lean on? It can make things more bearable.

What do you think?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Spilman, and a warm welcome to the site and thanks for joining the discussion.

To be married for 52 years is half a century but I feel for you and hope that it ceases because today is Valentines Day a special day for those who love each other.

A multitude of happy and sad times seem to outweigh one another at times and it would be sad to see you both separate, however, you have made a decision and it would be lovely to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[spilman]

The decision to end the marriage has been a very hard decision to make. But I have been saying this to him for a while now hoping it would bring him to his senses, but in all honesty I dont think that I could throw away 52 years of marriage, even though he has broken me time and time again. He used to be my best friend, my confidant but at the moment that has all gone. The trust and respect that I had for him has completely gone. I tell him how I feel and how the porno makes me feel and I think that he thinks I am making it up. I have also asked him how he feels and why he did it and he juat says that it was there so he watched. He even does when I am in the same room or in another part of the house, which has made me angry, dirty and I want to hit him but I havent. I just wish that he would talk to me and explain things to me. We used to be very close, did everything together but now thing have changed so much with him I dont even know who he is at the moment. Thankyou so much for letting me vent my feelings as I havent told anyone about this and it has been going on for 4 years that I know of. Thankyou.

[Peter-B]

Hi all, I just want to offer some insights as a man addicted to porn.

The bad news is it had destroyed at least two maybe more of my relationships. And it is I believe harder than most people believe to quit. Porn is so easily accessible. And for many men they can be triggered just by seeing someone in the street or in a movie.

The good news is it can be beaten. The key is to make it hard to access the Internet. I go phone-free at night. Currently I am 70 days without porn.

It is important the man addicted is able to talk about with his partner and not be judged or despised. Support from partners, friends etc is so important. I mean for a second imagine an alcoholic who got no support from family and friends?

I am happy to help with advice if anyone wants it.

[quirkywords]

Spilman,

Thanks for your reply. I can understand how upset you would be after your long marriage and the changes you now see in your husband.

You mentioned your husband has not looked at porn for a month, so that is encouraging.

Croix has mentioned about whether your husband is getting any support and also mentioned the Beyond Blue as a possible support line for you.

Thanks

Quirky

Peter

Welcome to the forum.

Thanks for sharing your insights in your first post.

You make an important point about getting support from partners and friends.

Maybe because there is stigma attached to porn addiction that it can make it difficult for both the person who is addicted and the partner to talk about it without emotions being heightened.

I am pleased you have managed 70 days.

Thanks again for your honesty and offer to help.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear Spilman~

I can understand how you feel, and it very difficult for you. Thinking he may be viewing porn while you are in the same room or nearby is a horrible and degrading thing.

I'm not minimizing the heart-ach you are going though. I'm suggesting that in some ways all addictions have similar characteristics.

As far as I know any addiction cure is not a smooth path, with wins and losses.

It may be a difficult time for your husband too, I don't know. All I can say is if you love someone and upset them deeply it hurts too.

I do think that after that length of time I'd doubt he is a completely different person in all respects to what you believed.

52 years with someone who is close, a best friend and a confident is in itself a wonderful thing and I'm not surprised you value it so highly that you consider breaking up would be very hard. Deciding what you are prepared to put up with is very hard too. It is easy to feel a lack of worth - quite undeserved but it happens.

Now - again -I'm going to leave aside the particular addition. Though I will say that the embarrassment and deeply personal feelings it raises may be unique - again I don't know. Talk becomes difficult with the emotions involved.

I do think any addiction changes both people's perceptions. The one not addicted feels anger, betrayal and wants with all their heart for the addicted to show love, consideration and climb out of the pit they have dug.

The addicted may feel powerless and shame. They may well realize the hurt they case. Sometimes they don't, perhaps because of familiarity with the subject matter over a long time

Frankly the most worrying thing I read is you saying "I think that he thinks I am making it up" when talking of the effect on you. Maybe a proper realization of the hurt might make a difference, and again a support group might be useful here. Porn can create a fantasy world that without guidance some might come to believe

Any addiction requires two factors, a genuine desire to quit, and specialist support in order for it to stand a reasonable chance of being successful. That's medical and peer support. Support from those around is important too

May I ask a question? If you husband had sustained an injury and as a result became addicted to pain meds, doctor hopping, buying on the illicit market, driving dangerously, emptying the bank account and so on do you think you would see him is a slightly different light?

Seeing him as someone needing help may be the key

Croix

[spilman]

Thankyou Peter B for your answer, but you see I have supported him through many ups and downs in our married life and at the moment I just feel that it is me that needs the help. At the moment it is 6 weeks since his last lot and in that time I have asked him to talk to me and explain why he keeps doing it. You see the reason I am so angry is that last year he went 10 months and then he watched it once again with me only a few metres away then he did it again exactly one month later, after promising me he wouldnt do it again. I have had these promises time and time again over the last 4 years so now I call them blah blah. I will keep doing that until he proves to me he will not watch it again. In the beginning I did believe him but after awhile to me it was all lies. I want to trust him but to me trust has to be earned, so does respect and consideration for his feelings. The respect and consideration for me and my feelings as far as he is concerned wasnt there when he betrayed my trust and that will take a long time. Anyway good luck and I hope you keep up the good work and start respecting yourself which is very important in your situation.