Husbands porn addiction

[Empathic]

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too.

During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine.

My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all.

He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal.

I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts.

Is there any hope?

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Rebecca,

These days, I don’t participate here regularly.
But I popped in this week and noticed your post to me, so I hope you get to read this.

I feel for you, experiencing and living this nightmare.

I wish I could give you a simple answer - but everyone’s story will pan out differently. And whatever happens in my marriage may not in anyway indicate what will happen in yours, re the porn addiction and related behaviours of our husbands. You know?

Porn has a incredible grip on certain men. As you have found out.

My husband has had underlying issues his whole life....whilst appearing to be a great, fun, decent guy to most.....if not a little shallow.

We had good ‘thinking’ male friends who would say to me, that he only liked to talk on a superficial level, using his rather clever wit and engaging easy to be around personality to form relationships. Everyone liked him, but detected a wall...

So what can I tell you.... if you read around, there seems to be a pattern of indulgence, starting with restricted viewing which then can escalate and spiral out of control - moving into much darker places, including actual physical meet ups.

I don’t think there are any lifelong guarantees with ANY kind of addiction.....in seasons of weakness, when self esteem and self worth is nosediving, caused by some external trigger... the addict may or likely feel the pull to go to their addiction. Their mangled form of comfort.
I know, that when my husband has tearfully sworn off from porn and all the other destructive stuff, at the time he really meant it.

I know at this stage of our lives, he doesn’t appear to be watching porn or ‘hooking up’ - it’s been a couple of years now.
He keeps incredibly busy doing wholesome things and I have no reason to suspect he is dodging off somewhere for hookups or porn watching.

He treats me well, he loves my company. He seems happy.
Has a temper problem occasionally, as does his entire family...get frustrated easily. That’s the problem there.

So, our marriage is carved out from a strange old mess......

But....we’re having many good, good days of peace and mutual joy in our lives. Keeping it simple, sharing a love for an ongoing project that excites both of us. But it wouldn’t be enough for many, so....I don’t know.

Sending caring thoughts Rebecca,

PhoebeWings.

[KROB]

Dear Empathic

i have just recently discovered that my husband is a porn addict and has been for years. We have been together for 33 years , he has apparently been watching for 10 of those.

I had absolutely no idea until I found some pictures on his phone. The porn itself is devastating as we had both agreed to be porn free, but learning that he had been lying, deceiving, manipulating, hiding, ghosting, deflecting and not communicating with me has left me completely broken.

He did confess and beg my forgiveness, he said he’d get help and never do it again. He downloaded an app called Migiri and allowed me to put a screen time block on his phone. He took no other steps to help himself.

After 2 months he has worked out how to get passed these things and is back to watching porn , I confronted him and he of course denied it and became very aggressive. I wanted to fix this but he’s now even watching when I’m home. I am depressed, anxious, sick, don’t eat, can’t sleep, cry a lot and have no self esteem.

Its been awhile since you posted your story, I was wondering if there is any hope?

How did things turn out for you? Did you stay or leave?

I hope you are doing well, what ever you decided .

I hope you see this and let me know.

K

[Lacey]

MrsElle,

I would like someone to talk to. Going through this alone right now and I just don't know where to turn x

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Lacey,

A very warm welcome to our forums…

Im so sorry that your going through this…my late husband also had porn addiction, but took it one step further and forced me to watch with him…The more I told him how I felt and how it made me feel, the worse his addiction became..I had a lot of abuse in my marriage and saying no to him wasn’t even an option…..I am deeply sorry and can relate to how your feeling sweet Lacey…

I endured this for many years…after he left his job, he got worse…at that time I didn’t know that there is help out there for this addiction…..Have you suggested to your husband that he see a psychologist?…or talk to his Dr about what he’s doing?….

Lacey, this thread although not that old may not get many people popping in…maybe you could start your own thread…. where more community members might call in to chat to you with their live experience and suggestions….I’m sorry that I haven’t been much help, sometimes remembering those times triggers bad memories….I will call back in here or into your new thread..(if you decide to start one) and chat to you some more…when I can 🩷🦋..

You are not alone with what you’re going through, we are here to help support you the best we can….

My kindest thoughts with care Dear Lacey, with a caring hug 🤗..

Grandy…